Lockdown Blues-busting “Bonking” Tales

EmmetSpiceland

Had one of those “Lockdown” Zoom sessions last night with a bunch of lads from the rugby club. A few cans of Probs were downed.

We got to talking about the time we we were touring South Africa and what happened to our scrum half. A short, slight, wiry, but strong, guy. Specifically what went on when he employed the “services” of a large, local, “lady of the night” while we were there.

He’d ducked away after our evening meal, most of us had been sending it since early afternoon so were “well on”. He met with this dark character down a dark alley and managed to sneak her back to the hotel. No mean feat according to his description but he did it. Most of us didn’t get to hear the “full story” until well after we got back and he’d had a few too many sticks of Heinomite.

During the bedroom “festivities” he wanted her to get on top. She expressed concern at his diminutive frame, compared with her vast bulk, but he just took this as a challenge. Once she was “secure”, in place, he tried to lift her up with her hands locked in his and using his hips and legs. The aim is to get her knees off the bad so she’s, literally, “anchored” to him alone. He calls this move “The Crab”, no idea why.

Anyway, the lady thought this was hilarious and encouraged him to do another “rep”. He said it was on his fifth “go” that the two of them were laughing and his left arm buckled slightly. This brought her elbow crashing down into his ribs.

They both heard the “crack” and he said it hurt like hell but he wasn’t going to let that stop him, he was paying for it after all.

One of the guys was training to be a doctor so he took a look at him the next day and said he’d more than likely broken a rib. It wasn’t until an X-ray later on in hospital that this was confirmed to be, not only 1 but, 2 broken ribs.

It was assumed that the injury occurred in the game the previous day so the blazers and management, and anyone who didn’t know the real story, thought the guy was a hero for soldiering on with the “injury”. And still do!

A few more stories were swapped but none of us had anything that could come close to that one. I, personally, have never been “injured”, per se, during intercourse.

The worst that’s happened me was “sharting” while with a girl I had a massive crush on in college, I’m sure I’ve posted about that before, and trying to fish the odd clot out of the “jappers”.

Anyone on here, ever “endured” any painful, or humorous, sexual “mishaps” that they would be willing to share, to give us all a much needed laugh during these “restrictive” times?

Woke Hogan

All of those inverted commas gives me a similar effect to trying to read under a blinking lightbulb.

Collie D

I'm going to have a stab at "Probs" being Carlsberg?

Zebra3

Gave up after about three sentences.

Trying way too hard, lad.

CoBo55

Heinomite? Haven't heard that since 2004

riffmongous

You shouldn't have mentioned rugby, now I'm wondering what ever happened to Paddy Jackson

0ph0rce0

I'd say yous were absolutely sending it in South Africa, some of the greatest horseplay of all time.

Feisar

I'm no major mishaps to be honest.

Lets see

Riding crops hurt
Lads will do funny things on tour
When a lady say you can do anything you want with her make sure and find out what the catch is before exploring
Be wary of what angle a lady with a gap in her front teeth gives you a blowjob at

gourcuff

has rugby become unfairly stigmatised and associated with weird sexual preferences...

sydthebeat

i left after 'probs' and 'sending it'

RobertKK

I chatted (voice chat) with friends online, that is all that needed to be said.

I read the first line or two and thought "I guess most people here have voice chatted with their friends, I don't need to read about rugby".

James Bond Junior

Ross O Carroll Kelly looking for some new anecdotes?

fergiesfolly

gourcuff wrote: »

has rugby become unfairly stigmatised and associated with weird sexual preferences...

Stigmatised and associated with weird sexual preferences?......Yes
Unfairly....No

topper75

Sorry, what was being sent to whom?

Higgins5473

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Had one of those “Lockdown” Zoom sessions last night with a bunch of lads from the rugby club. A few cans of Probs were downed.

We got to talking about the time we we were touring South Africa and what happened to our scrum half. A short, slight, wiry, but strong, guy. Specifically what went on when he employed the “services” of a large, local, “lady of the night” while we were there.

He’d ducked away after our evening meal, most of us had been sending it since early afternoon so were “well on”. He met with this dark character down a dark alley and managed to sneak her back to the hotel. No mean feat according to his description but he did it. Most of us didn’t get to hear the “full story” until well after we got back and he’d had a few too many sticks of Heinomite.

During the bedroom “festivities” he wanted her to get on top. She expressed concern at his diminutive frame, compared with her vast bulk, but he just took this as a challenge. Once she was “secure”, in place, he tried to lift her up with her hands locked in his and using his hips and legs. The aim is to get her knees off the bad so she’s, literally, “anchored” to him alone. He calls this move “The Crab”, no idea why.

Anyway, the lady thought this was hilarious and encouraged him to do another “rep”. He said it was on his fifth “go” that the two of them were laughing and his left arm buckled slightly. This brought her elbow crashing down into his ribs.

They both heard the “crack” and he said it hurt like hell but he wasn’t going to let that stop him, he was paying for it after all.

One of the guys was training to be a doctor so he took a look at him the next day and said he’d more than likely broken a rib. It wasn’t until an X-ray later on in hospital that this was confirmed to be, not only 1 but, 2 broken ribs.

It was assumed that the injury occurred in the game the previous day so the blazers and management, and anyone who didn’t know the real story, thought the guy was a hero for soldiering on with the “injury”. And still do!

A few more stories were swapped but none of us had anything that could come close to that one. I, personally, have never been “injured”, per se, during intercourse.

The worst that’s happened me was “sharting” while with a girl I had a massive crush on in college, I’m sure I’ve posted about that before, and trying to fish the odd clot out of the “jappers”.

Anyone on here, ever “endured” any painful, or humorous, sexual “mishaps” that they would be willing to share, to give us all a much needed laugh during these “restrictive” times?

That took a while I’d imagine. D+ for effort, F for content. Better luck next time.

JohnnyFlash

Heard of a lad who was trying out the legendary ‘Brute’ sex position with his missus at the time. He was full of porter and accidentally pushed her off the end of the bed when going for the downward stroke. Poor woman broke 4 of her fingers as a result.

Church on Tuesday

It's great weather out there all the same.

rapul

Ya's aren't worthy of knowing!

Feisar

I don't know why a few "war stories" wouldn't be fun. Suppose it's easier say "D for effort" than contribute.

Never licky licky bum bum a stranger at three in the morning. I was the stranger.

EmmetSpiceland

Higgins5473 wrote: »

That took a while I’d imagine. D+ for effort, F for content. Better luck next time.

Ah come on now, H, no need to be like that. Surely you have a few ribald tales from your extensive hours dedicated to “self love”?

You know, maybe you tore the “banjo string” from going too hard at it with that “furious” fist?

Something like that would put most guys out of action for at least a week, if not two, but I’d say you’re not like “most guys”. Probably didn’t even give it an hour.

But, if your embarrassed, that’s alright. No one is forcing you to “share”.

nullzero

What I liked about the OP's story is how down to earth he comes across and how relatable the characters are and of course the charming colloquialisms.

ChikiChiki

Stopped reading at "sending it".

EDit

Stopped reading at “times?”

JohnnyFlash

It’s not exactly a bonking tale, but saw on Twitter this morning that some lad thought his video was turned off during a zoom call. He whipped out his lad and started beating it like it owed him money - in full view of 27 work colleagues.

Rodney Bathgate

Is the OP “auditioning” to be the next Ross O Carroll Cock?