Sister continually hides her life from me

Salthillprom

My sister likes to control the information she feeds me about her life. I wouldn't consider her private towards her friends but she will often answer questions I ask such as as 'what are you doing at the wkend, any plans?' with 'nothing, just chilling' and two days later she'll be flat out on social media posting pictures of her in Paris or Rome or New York or something. This has happened so many times I've lost count.

The most recent example is, she's had a baby a few days ago. I found out from my cousin that she was booked in to have a C-section. Despite her and me having daily WhatsApp conversations, initiated 50:50 by both her and me, but always about how she feels etc. I'm never allowed even mention how I am. She'll just end the chat if I do and say she's busy or sthg. But as long as the focus is on her, I'll get text after text after text. I also found out from a cousin that she had the baby. Baby is now a few days old and she won't tell me its name. Despite my loving and warm texts of congratulations and the usual chit chat over and back between us. When I ask what the baby's name is, her reply is 'he's great thanks, so lovely and calm' etc.

Same sister doesn't get on with my parents and has a lot of marital strife (despite having another baby). I know about the martial issues as her husband rang me asking to intervene, saying she's not being logical and is very aggressive towards him. I've always tried to help them both in any way I can and have felt dragged into their marital woes on more times I can count (as peacekeeper) by both him and her. I try to be supportive and caring and loving as much as I can. She doesn't make it easy. My husband thinks it's a control thing and said she's always been controlling over me for as long as he remembers.

Just wondering is this some kind of phenomenon or 'thing', where people withhold information from those closest to them. The flip side is if I don't reply to her texts etc in a timely fashion I get a tirade from her that I am unloving or uncaring. It's so wearing. I try not to react badly to it but I'm very upset about the latest withholding of the baby's name from me. I genuinely don't think I have done anything to deserve this. I don't want to message her friends or my other relations to find out the name as I am actually mortified for anyone to find out that she has done this to me.

She recently blocked me on social media for no apparent reason whatsoever but I have another social media account for other stuff that she forgot to block me on and I can see pictures of her baby on that. She has posted loads and loads of pics. This is despite her constantly texting me today about how she's sore, how her inlaws did sthg to annoy her yesterday etc. And I'm writing back with the usual sympathy for her because if I dare to argue or disagree I'll get attacked.

She lives overseas and as recently as two weeks ago I spent €100 posting loads of baby clothes and bits and bobs that I had over to her. It's not like I don't try. Her messages about her baby have been nice back to me but I am seeing the usual pattern of withholding info.

Is this a 'thing' in psychological terms?

Big Bag of Chips

Whether it's a "thing" or not is irrelevant. Labeling it with a name isn't going to change it or make her address it. Whatever her reasons for carrying on like this, the end result is the same, she's unlikely to change.

But you can change. You can stop humouring her. You can stop running after her. You can stop sending her €100 worth of stuff she doesn't appreciate. Stop answering her calls. Delay replying to her texts. Who cares if she sends you a barrage of texts about how uncaring you are. Block her number for a while.

She lives abroad, so you don't even have the option of meeting up with her face to face to figure it out. Stay out of her marriage problems. Don't get involved if they ask you to. Your input will be used against you, and could be a contributing factor to why she ignores you etc. You know too much.

Just start limiting your contact with her. Ask your cousin what she called the baby. Tell her she keeps ignoring your question! I'm sure your family recognise a side to her that you think nobody else sees. She doesn't talk to your parents, she is funny with you. There's one common denominator here. You haven't done anything wrong, and she is depending on you keep quiet and not highlighting her behaviour to others.

Sardonicat

Yes, it's a thing.

You're suster is psychologically abusive to you. She is withholding her child's name from you deliberately to hurt and embarrass you. She gets a kick out if it because she is a horrible person not worthy of a second of your time . She uses you to talk about herself and deliberately shuts off when you need to talk about you to give you another psychological wound by letting you know you're not important to her. She is doing this conciously snd deliberately. She does not, never has snd never will give a sh1t about you. She will not change. There is no nice, loving sister inside her waiting to come out. Just a pretend one ifor she needs something from you.

Why do you not value yourself enough to stop engaging with her abuse? You do not have to tolerate a tirade if you don't accept her calls. No one has a right to abuse you. How many times does she have to show you who and what she is before you believe her?

You don't have to try and maintain a relationship with someone just because you are siblings. Cut contact down to a minimum and stop taking her crap. Also, do not get involved with marital disputes between her and her husband.

I would recommend, if you can, to engage in some professional counselling with someone who specialises in toxic family dynamics to gain an understanding of why you accept her treatment of you and why you keep going back for more. The answer could well go back to the type of parenting you experienced and the family roles you and your siblings were cast in.

In the meantime I would suggest you look up personality disorders, particularly Cluster B personality disorders and see if anything strikes a chord with the behaviour your sister displays.

You are a lovely, caring person, OP. No one has the right to treat you so poorly and people who do have no right to your care and concern.

Salthillprom

Thank you both for your kind replies. I am sure I have plenty of flaws too, but I most definitely can hold my head high and say that I don't deliberately try to hurt my sister in the way she hurts me. And I do always try to be nice.

Yes, I know too much about their relationship. Unfortunately. My sister recently texted me out of the blue saying that I forced her to get engaged to her husband! She sent me 5 such texts and I didn't answer them they were so appalling and untrue. I used to be trying to help them overcome their problems before they got engaged and it came back to bite me. The irony is that I think they are so unsuitable for one another and in actual fact, before they got engaged and were ringing me at 2am with relationship problems, I advised them to take things slowly and don't feel they have to rush into marriage. She has forgotten all of that. I never, ever wanted to hear anything about their relationship but I was always bombarded with their calls (often in the middle of the night after they'd left the pub!) and messages, one asking me to speak to the other on their behalf.

I never asked to be a mediator for them, never wanted it but tried my best. I could say it has come back to bite me but it has always been biting me.

I will engage with a counsellor when this weird time with the virus is over.

In the meantime I'll contact my cousins and ask the baby's name. Thanks so much. I'll also look up that Type B personality. Thanks

Sardonicat

Salthillprom wrote: »

Thank you both for your kind replies. I am sure I have plenty of flaws too, but I most definitely can hold my head high and say that I don't deliberately try to hurt my sister in the way she hurts me. And I do always try to be nice.

Yes, I know too much about their relationship. Unfortunately. My sister recently texted me out of the blue saying that I forced her to get engaged to her husband! She sent me 5 such texts and I didn't answer them. I used to be trying to help them overcome their problems before they got engaged and it came back to bite me. The irony is that I think they are so unsuitable for one another and in actual fact, before they got engaged and were ringing me at 2am with relationship problems, I advised them to take things slowly and don't feel they have to rush into marriage. She has forgotten all of that. I never, ever wanted to hear anything about their relationship but I was always bombarded with their calls (often in the middle of the night after they'd left the pub!) and messages, one asking me to speak to the other on their behalf.

I never asked to be a mediator for them, never wanted it but tried my best. I could say it has come back to bite me but it has always been biting me.

I will engage with a counsellor when this weird time with the virus is over.

In the meantime I'll contact my cousins and ask the baby's name. Thanks so much.

Stop engaging get with your sister. Just stop. You do not have to answer calls or comply with their requests. Leave her and her husband off.

Salthillprom

Wow. I just looked up Cluster B personality. That is her to a tee.

Sardonicat

Salthillprom wrote: »

Wow. I just looked up Cluster B personality. That is her to a tee.

Well, no one here, nor you, can diagnose. But you might find advice on dealing with people who fall into this category very helpful in dealing with toxic people in general.

rainbowtrout

Salthillprom wrote: »

I don't want to message her friends or my other relations to find out the name as I am actually mortified for anyone to find out that she has done this to me.

There's lot of good advice there that I don't need to repeat, but this sentence stood out. Why would you be mortified? Her behaviour is not a reflection on you, it's a reflection on her, and you can guarantee that you're not the first who has been on the receiving end.

You don't owe her anything, if someone asks you what the baby's name is 'say I don't know, she didn't tell me'. If you learn it from the cousin, so be it. If she's blocked you on her facebook account purposely, why would you even bother engaging with her? If she is sending you messages that demand replies, the polite side of of you is telling you that you should reply, that it would be rude not to. But you are allowed to say No. No is a very powerful word. And by not replying at all, you are saying no to her behaviour.

Foweva Awone

Sometimes people don't name the baby straight away. Or sometimes people prefer to share the name in a face-to-face or phone conversation rather than by text. Maybe phone her for a chat instead of texting.

rainbowtrout

Foweva Awone wrote: »

Sometimes people don't name the baby straight away. Or sometimes people prefer to share the name in a face-to-face or phone conversation rather than by text. Maybe phone her for a chat instead of texting.

But if they didn't name the baby straight away then the appropriate response would be 'we haven't decided on a name yet' not a response that didn't even address the question.

And I've yet to anyone who has waited to tell the name of the baby in person. Practically every one of my friends has had babies in the last 10 years and I've had a text a couple of hours after they gave birth with the babies name, weight and mother and baby is doing well. Everything is instant these days.