Wakes Up Around 4am & Goes to Big Bed

Kintarō Hattori

Hey Folks,

So my almost 3 year old seems to be in a habit now of waking up around 04:00 to 04:30 am and going into the other room. The odd time she'll sleep through the night but for most nights she wakes up at roughly the same time and jumps ship.

Any idea what might be causing this and how to keep her in her own bed?

I used to do this. I grew out of it when my memory started properly forming. I was just scared when I woke up in the middle of the night alone. It was probably more natural for us throughout human history to sleep with our parents.

farmchoice

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

Hey Folks,

So my almost 3 year old seems to be in a habit now of waking up around 04:00 to 04:30 am and going into the other room. The odd time she'll sleep through the night but for most nights she wakes up at roughly the same time and jumps ship.

Any idea what might be causing this and how to keep her in her own bed?

the cause of this is being a child.
thats what kids do, some do it the odd time, some do it every night for a month and not again for a yea,r some do it every night until they are 10.

Kintarō Hattori

farmchoice wrote: »

the cause of this is being a child.
thats what kids do, some do it the odd time, some do it every night for a month and not again for a yea,r some do it every night until they are 10.

Fair enough. I'm querying it because it's out of step for her. She's been a terrific sleeper since she was born. It's only in the last 2 months or so that this has been happening.

Loveinapril

When you say she goes into "the other room" is it your room or a spare room?

Kintarō Hattori

Loveinapril wrote: »

When you say she goes into "the other room" is it your room or a spare room?

Sorry- our room yep. It's a 2 bed house so I'm just used to saying the other room.

fits

Cuddle up and enjoy her company.

Daisy 55

Definitely!

Fleetwoodmac

I would try to find the positives rather than being concerned. At 3 years, imagination really expands, this is where dressing up, pretend play etc really comes into its own but it's also hard for them at this age to decipher reality from fact so something they saw on tv may translate into real life iykwim. So your little one waking and immediately seeking you says you make her feel safe, she needs you near her. Please see this as a positive secure attachment. Some parenting forums will say put her back in their own bed... this could damage that secure attachment. Enjoy the cuddles, don't get cross, and may be get a bigger bed. Enjoy these times!

pwurple

It depends. Are you getting sleep with her there?

If not, I would lift her, put her back in her own bed, with a teddy bear and some cuddles.

I know some people can sleep with a toddler in the bed, maybe their kids stay still when they sleep... I certainly couldn't. Both my kids were like octopuses on speed in their sleep, limbs flailing everywhere. I cannot sleep with someone kicking my head half the night.

Parents need sleep for their health too.

BeardySi

We had this. When she'd wake in the morning she'd always come in to us for a cuddle. When she'd wake at night she started doing the same - after all, it was winter when 3am and 7am look the same to a toddler.

Got a gro-clock which mostly solved it.

Kintarō Hattori

I'm back again. I know some of you say just cuddle up and enjoy it. I do, I love cuddling my little cutiepie but I can fall asleep easily, my partner can't. This is causing some pretty sever sleep deprivation for my partner. It doesn't help that our little one, like most young kids, wants to snuggle right into you and takes up much of the bed lying horizontally.

Some background:

In the cot she was a terrific sleeper- absolute gold

It all changed when the side of the cot came off. She'd get down to see what book I was reading to her and there was no keeping her in the cot
We ended up falling asleep on the big bed and I'd transfer her to her cot when asleep. She'd still come into the other room though when she'd wake up at night

Just before the pandemic kicked off we transferred her out of the cot and into a 'big girl bed' and that went well for about 3 weeks. She slept in it from night until morning

She's back again though getting up now as early as midnight and wanting to go into the main bedroom

I've tried sleeping in her room on a playmat to give some reassurance but she wants to come and sleep beside you. It's very cute and adorable but neither of us have a great nights sleep doing this so I stopped that for the most part

I wonder do I keep a lamp on low in her room perhaps? Maybe have some music in the background during the night?

Loveinapril

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

I wonder do I keep a lamp on low in her room perhaps? Maybe have some music in the background during the night?

Have you asked her? My 2.5 year old sometimes gets upset when we leave him at bedtime so we ask would he like the light on, or would he like if we sang him a song or whatever. He falls asleep in our bed every night and we just transfer him into his bed but it isn't an issue for us. Maybe three times since he moved into his bed he has come into our bed in the night and we will always chat about it in the morning and talk about how he has his own bed all to himself so should stay there tonight (in a kind way as opposed to scolding).

farmchoice

if it was me, (and it has been me on and off for the last 10 years including last night) at the point where she comes in i go out and sleep in her bed

fits

Could you get in beside her in her bed and sneak off when she is back asleep? Works for us.

shesty

4am is roughly when we start to surface from deep sleep into lighter sleep.Just nature.She is probably waking for any number of reasons, habit by now, but the first few times it might have been birds, the early light, anything.If you would prefer her not to come into you then you will just have to lift her and bring her into her own bed.A Groclock might help, but it will take a few mornings of bringing her back in and saying it's time to be in bed.And it will be a horrible time for you because the lack of sleep, but that's it really.She is just doing what kids do.

Cakerbaker

Our guy is 4 and comes into us pretty much every night. The time can vary. We’ve a super king bed which helps and he doesn’t move around much most of the time but any night he is active one of us just goes into his bed. We did try to get him to stay in his own bed at one time but we were all getting less sleep then.

Digs

Did this all kick off around the start of the pandemic by any chance? Had she been in creche/preschool?

I ask simply because I have 3 children but my middle girl who’s almost 4 has put us through the ringer since the beginning of the pandemic. So much regression etc By comparison to her sisters, she has definitely had the most dramatic reaction. My older girl can talk to us properly about it and the youngest is 19mths so totally oblivious which is great.

I’m simply saying it because we have figured a lot of what our girl is going through is something we have to ride out (and to be fair it’s really improving!!), so maybe your lady is similar? It’s mind blowing how perceptive and intuitive they are at that age, even when we think we’re protecting them from it all.

Sorry I have no good advice or solutions. In my experience though it will end... eventually!!

Kintarō Hattori

Loveinapril wrote: »

Have you asked her? My 2.5 year old sometimes gets upset when we leave him at bedtime so we ask would he like the light on, or would he like if we sang him a song or whatever. He falls asleep in our bed every night and we just transfer him into his bed but it isn't an issue for us. Maybe three times since he moved into his bed he has come into our bed in the night and we will always chat about it in the morning and talk about how he has his own bed all to himself so should stay there tonight (in a kind way as opposed to scolding).

She has a severe speech delay and has been late to talk. Since the pandemic kicked off though her speech has come on leaps and bounds. She's gone from having literally a few words to many small sentences now. The trouble is she's still unclear in quite a bit of what she says, plus she's bi-lingual so it's a fine mess. I can ask her but it won't be articulated in a manner we'll be properly be able to decipher. I asked her last night about leaving a lamp on, I did and she only got up a few hours after the missus switched it off, so will try it again tonight and insist it's left on.

farmchoice wrote: »

if it was me, (and it has been me on and off for the last 10 years including last night) at the point where she comes in i go out and sleep in her bed

I think that's going to have to be what happens. We got her a bed that will 'grow' with her but I think we'll have to put it out to its full size.

fits wrote: »

Could you get in beside her in her bed and sneak off when she is back asleep? Works for us.

I'd just break her bed! In fairness to her, I read when I put her to bed and she falls asleep quite peacefully. It's between 11-12 or 3-4 now that she wakes up.

Kintarō Hattori

shesty wrote: »

4am is roughly when we start to surface from deep sleep into lighter sleep.Just nature.She is probably waking for any number of reasons, habit by now, but the first few times it might have been birds, the early light, anything.If you would prefer her not to come into you then you will just have to lift her and bring her into her own bed.A Groclock might help, but it will take a few mornings of bringing her back in and saying it's time to be in bed.And it will be a horrible time for you because the lack of sleep, but that's it really.She is just doing what kids do.

I bought a Groclock ages ago but she took no notice of it. I just gave it away to a neighbour last week. I've tried lifting her and bringing her back but she gets very hysterical and upset- to the point that I don't think it's healthy to force it.

The missus came up with the idea of calling her like a kitty back to her bed (she loves them) and that worked a treat. The only issue is if you leave she follows you so I took to sitting/sleeping in the chair until she fell asleep. She might sleep for a bit more but she wakes up, see's your not there and it starts again.

Cakerbaker wrote: »

Our guy is 4 and comes into us pretty much every night. The time can vary. We’ve a super king bed which helps and he doesn’t move around much most of the time but any night he is active one of us just goes into his bed. We did try to get him to stay in his own bed at one time but we were all getting less sleep then.

We've a king size bed which isn't bad but she lies horizontally, the fecker. Yeah I think the missus will just have to go sleep in her bed when it happens.

Digs wrote: »

Did this all kick off around the start of the pandemic by any chance? Had she been in creche/preschool?

I ask simply because I have 3 children but my middle girl who’s almost 4 has put us through the ringer since the beginning of the pandemic. So much regression etc By comparison to her sisters, she has definitely had the most dramatic reaction. My older girl can talk to us properly about it and the youngest is 19mths so totally oblivious which is great.

I’m simply saying it because we have figured a lot of what our girl is going through is something we have to ride out (and to be fair it’s really improving!!), so maybe your lady is similar? It’s mind blowing how perceptive and intuitive they are at that age, even when we think we’re protecting them from it all.

Sorry I have no good advice or solutions. In my experience though it will end... eventually!!

No it all began really a good 6 months or so ago when the side of the cot came off. You're right though, they are incredibly perceptive and we find it's hard to really keep anything hidden from her.

fits

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

She has a severe speech delay and has been late to talk. Since the pandemic kicked off though her speech has come on leaps and bounds. She's gone from having literally a few words to many small sentences now. The trouble is she's still unclear in quite a bit of what she says, plus she's bi-lingual so it's a fine mess.

Thats not a severe delay I dont think she is even 3 yet is she?

Kintarō Hattori

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

Fair enough. I'm querying it because it's out of step for her. She's been a terrific sleeper since she was born. It's only in the last 2 months or so that this has been happening.

That's the best (_worst_) think about kids. The moment you think you know who they are or what they are - they change.

And the older they get the more often it happens. Just when you think you see a pattern in their behavior - the pattern changes.

I wrote on a forum once that my first 1 year old suddenly changed her behavior and I was worried about what it meant. Looking back now - I was so comically naive

The older they get the more they push against borders - rules - routine - anything. And they do not do it maliciously. They do it because they are seeking to understand their environment and their place in it - and most importantly (to them) how much control they have over all of it.

So the only answer here is -

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

my partner can't.

- decide what your borders and routines are and enforce them. But do it gently and with persistence rather than angrily and with power.

If the bab sleeping in the bed with you is not for you then every time she wanders in just lead her gently and slowly back to bed and just say "Time for sleep sweet heart" and nothing else and leave her there.

You might have to do it 100 times on the first night. But I expect itll be 20 times the second night. 3 the third night. And after that you'll be fine.

Do not engage in conversation during it. Rebuff any unimportant and innocuous queries or sentences with "Sleepy time baby" and do not get drawn in to any ifs or buts or maybes. Malicious or not - they little - tykes - are masters of getting that out of you.

Kintarō Hattori

fits wrote: »

Thats not a severe delay I dont think she is even 3 yet is she?

She just turned 3 last month. Hmmn the pediatrician in Temple Street a good while back now had told us that she had a severe speech delay. She wasn't doing much babbling, then a few words came out but not many and it stayed that way for a good while. Things seemed to have blossomed in lockdown and there's been lots of words, words said correctly in context and short 2/3 word sentences as well as a few a little longer. I'm delighted with the progress and think she will get there, she just needs encouragement and time.

josip

Our son still comes to our bed some nights.
All I ask of him, is to come to my side and make sure he wakes me so that I can swap to his bed.
If he goes to his mammy's side it takes me 2 hours of disturbed sleep to realise we've got a stowaway aboard.

December2012

We had something similar in our house. The only thing that worked was us buying a bigger bed, with the kind of mattress (memory foam?) that didn't really move when the youngest decided to come in and sleep in our bed with us. Shes now much older, and hasn't come into us for years. And sometimes I miss it.

How lovely it is that your daughter is getting so much company out of simply being in your bed with you both. Its a parenting superpower!

Babooshka

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

I bought a Groclock ages ago but she took no notice of it. I just gave it away to a neighbour last week. I've tried lifting her and bringing her back but she gets very hysterical and upset- to the point that I don't think it's healthy to force it.

The missus came up with the idea of calling her like a kitty back to her bed (she loves them) and that worked a treat. The only issue is if you leave she follows you so I took to sitting/sleeping in the chair until she fell asleep. She might sleep for a bit more but she wakes up, see's your not there and it starts again.



We've a king size bed which isn't bad but she lies horizontally, the fecker. Yeah I think the missus will just have to go sleep in her bed when it happens.



No it all began really a good 6 months or so ago when the side of the cot came off. You're right though, they are incredibly perceptive and we find it's hard to really keep anything hidden from her.

Sorry I know this is late but our girl sounds incredibly similar to yours. And we also used to put her to sleep in our bed first then transfer to cot, and so when they wake then they wonder why they're not in the bed they fell asleep in. Our girl is 4 and went into her big bed earlier this year and it worked fantastic but since pandemic she's waking and coming back into our bed also. We have a superking bed which while very roomy, she is doing gymnastics around it at night. We just decided during the bad nights to swap and sleep in our guest room, whichever one of us needs sleep most. Our lady gets too upset too if we try moving her, I tried sleep training and she would get so bad, one night it was a full 3 hours of crying and after that I quit, I have respect for everyone's parenting styles but she just wasn't the type for sleep training, she is too sensitive, some kids just are. I don't think there is any "fixing" it, because it is what it is, just make it work for you. Hope things are a little better now. I know when she's 15 and is asking us to go to school discos I'll be wishing she was crawling back in bed with us for snuggles and I'll be the one crying!!

drunkmonkey

Our 6yr old has developed ninja like skills sneaking in, he knows he'll be put back to his own bed if caught, now we don't notice him only realise he's there when we wake up.
Last night he didn't come in and I think it's because I had his room pitch dark, he usually wakes up screaming if his light is off, worked last night hopefully works again tonight.
He's outside filling water balloons now and here's me who'd gladly go back to sleep for a few hours, shattered after a week of 3 under 7's.

Babooshka

drunkmonkey wrote: »

Our 6yr old has developed ninja like skills sneaking in, he knows he'll be put back to his own bed if caught, now we don't notice him only realise he's there when we wake up.
Last night he didn't come in and I think it's because I had his room pitch dark, he usually wakes up screaming if his light is off, worked last night hopefully works again tonight.
He's outside filling water balloons now and here's me who'd gladly go back to sleep for a few hours, shattered after a week of 3 under 7's.

Haha, that made me laugh. The ninja part. They're so sneaky. But what works one day is completely moot the next for us so we're still scratching heads on it. Hope you catch some rest soon.

Kintarō Hattori

Babooshka wrote: »

Sorry I know this is late but our girl sounds incredibly similar to yours. And we also used to put her to sleep in our bed first then transfer to cot, and so when they wake then they wonder why they're not in the bed they fell asleep in. Our girl is 4 and went into her big bed earlier this year and it worked fantastic but since pandemic she's waking and coming back into our bed also. We have a superking bed which while very roomy, she is doing gymnastics around it at night. We just decided during the bad nights to swap and sleep in our guest room, whichever one of us needs sleep most. Our lady gets too upset too if we try moving her, I tried sleep training and she would get so bad, one night it was a full 3 hours of crying and after that I quit, I have respect for everyone's parenting styles but she just wasn't the type for sleep training, she is too sensitive, some kids just are. I don't think there is any "fixing" it, because it is what it is, just make it work for you. Hope things are a little better now. I know when she's 15 and is asking us to go to school discos I'll be wishing she was crawling back in bed with us for snuggles and I'll be the one crying!!

I think our little rascals are very very similar. We tried moving her a few times after she had come in and like your little one she used to get very very upset. Not in a stubborn 'I'm not going to move' way but genuinely upset as she's a very sensitive little soul.

Bedtime used to be in her room, then it migrated to the other room. When I put her into her bed after she's fallen asleep it might be 11pm or 5am but she will move room at night. I think it's kinda cute myself but the missus really struggles to get some sleep.

I think she's just going to have to move to our daughters bed as I don't see a solution to keeping her in her own bed. She just likes/needs the comfort of having you around. I also agree on the disco part. I'm so so loving all the innocence and sweetness and lapping it up while it's there. As they say, you can't get these times back, so enjoy them while they are there, they are really wonderful.

Kintarō Hattori

Just to update on this. We tried a new tactic and almost two weeks later it's been working a treat. So we closed the door to our bedroom tight and told our daughter that the bed was broken so she would have to go to her room. Pre getting upstairs music is already playing and her lamp is on 'orange', it's calming I think. We also introduced a reward chart and told her she'd get a new animal if she stayed in her bed at night. We're just 3 stars off of getting the second one.

It's been fantastic. The bedtime routine has become a lot easier too. It's become much quicker to get hands and teeth cleaned, into pj's and onto some storytelling.

Babooshka

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

Just to update on this. We tried a new tactic and almost two weeks later it's been working a treat. So we closed the door to our bedroom tight and told our daughter that the bed was broken so she would have to go to her room. Pre getting upstairs music is already playing and her lamp is on 'orange', it's calming I think. We also introduced a reward chart and told her she'd get a new animal if she stayed in her bed at night. We're just 3 stars off of getting the second one.

It's been fantastic. The bedtime routine has become a lot easier too. It's become much quicker to get hands and teeth cleaned, into pj's and onto some storytelling.

Yayy, well done!

Kintarō Hattori

Babooshka wrote: »

Yayy, well done!

Thanks Babooshka,

Apart from us all getting an undisturbed sleep the big win here is just how much easier it's become to get the teeth and hands washed. It was hit and miss before as to just how easy it would be. Now she just sails into the bathroom, both are done, we have a hug and a cuddle and she hops into bed and gets her story. The difference is colossal. She got her second animal this morning from the postie and we're aiming for the 3rd this week. I think she should be well trained after a month of it so I'll stop with the reward chart then.