Love triangle between boyfriend & friend. Dating BF, friend just admitted he loves m

LegacyUser

I'm with my boyfriend for roughly one year and I can honestly say, it's the best relationship that I've ever had, I love him dearly and would love to spend the rest of my life with him.

I have a male friend, whom I have been friends with for 10+ years.

I've always had an inkling that he liked me in a romantic sense, and not just a platonic sense, but I have only ever just seen him as a friend.

My best friend hasn't taken my new relationship too well and has recently admitted to me that he is in love with me. He wants me to dump my bf so that he and I can have a go at a relationship.

This is not happening under any circumstances. I love my bf dearly and nothing is ever changing that. I am not attracted to my friend, and purely see him as a friend. There is no sexual chemistry or romantic spark there whatsoever.

Now I'm really torn as to what to do. I see my friend regularly, but now I feel as though I can't as I want to be respectful and loyal to by BF, but I feel as though I owe it to my friend to be there for him too as we have been friends for so long and we are genuinely such good friends and so close.

I do not want to cut my friend out of my life, even though I think this would be the best option for my BF as I do not want to upset him by seeing my friend, as I have been honest with them and told him what my friend has said, and understandably he is not too pleased about the situation.

I also feel as though I can't cut out my friend as we have been friends for so long and I would be worried about his mental state of mind if I were to do so and he may do something to himself. I could never live with myself if that happened.

Someone is going to end up getting hurt in all of this. Well, I'm already hurting as it's such a horrible situation to be in, my friend is hurting because he cannot be with me, and obviously this is upsetting to my BF too. I would be upset if one of his friends was hitting on him and making a play for him like this.

I'm just not sure how to deal with this situation.

I see a long future with my BF, but I've had a long past with my friend. I don't want to lose one or hurt one, but in not sure how this situation can continue.

I'm really in turmoil over this. I feel like I would be punishing my friend by cutting him out of my life to save my relationship and I would be cruel to him just because he has feelings for me through no fault of his own.

I don't want to hurt or upset my boyfriend by continuing to see my friend, and acting as though nothing has happened and the situation hasn't changed despite everything being so different now.

How do I handle this?

I'm really confused as to what approach to take and how to manage this causing the least amount of upset to everyone involved.

TLDR, best friend of 10 years just told me he loves me. This is causing problems in my relationship, do I ditch the friend to save my relationship?

Thelonious Monk

Yeah you ditch your friend. You can never be friends with hin now anyway.

Midnight_EG

This is akin to girl friends that suddenly take an interest in their best friend once they see them treating another girl like a princess... Drop the friend, he's manipulating you.

Porklife

It's not a genuine friendship if he is harbouring feelings for you. I could never be friends with someone I was in love with especially if it was not only unreciprocated but they were in love with someone else. For his own sake he should cut ties with you.
As for him doing something to himself, I don't know why you would think that. Has he indicated self harm in the past? Regardless it is not your problem cruel as that may sound.
I think you're being a bit dramatic too to be honest. He has feelings and you don't. It happens. He'll get over it and will meet someone else hopefully who does feel the same way. Your post comes across a touch conceited.

osarusan

Your friend has brought this on himself.

He has feelings for you, but you don't feel the same about him. He has to accept that, and if he can't, he needs to be out of your life.

If things stay as they are you may well end up losing your boyfriend as well as the friend, so try and sort it out now.

ShaShaBear

You need to nip this in the bud immediately. Your friend will constantly be under the illusion that there's a chance for as long as you remain friends and put a strain on your relationship to keep him in your life. 10 years is a long time to wait until someone is truly happy and then drop the L-bomb on them and ruin both your friendship and their happiness.

Your friend needs to be told to go find happiness elsewhere - you can no longer be friends if he is suggesting you dump your boyfriend to have a go with someone you have no spark or romantic interest in. Assuming, of course, you explicitly told your friend this?

bitofabind

Why is he suddenly telling you out of the blue that he fancies you now that you're in a happy relationship and in love with someone else? And how dare he suggest you end your relationship to be with him - have you expressed to him that you are categorically not romantically interested in him and are in love with your partner?

His feelings are not your responsibility. I'd be dialling back the contact if I were you. Maybe have a final conversation with him setting boundaries and laying down the facts and tell him for his own sake, you think that less contact at the moment is the right thing to do.

Idle Passerby

Sorry OP, the friendship ended as soon as he admitted he had feelings. He doesn't want to be your friend, you don't want to be his girlfriend. There's no way it can work.

I also think its pretty presumptious of him to ask that you end a happy relationship for him. If he's liked you this long, what stopped him telling you when you were actually available? Not very friendly on his part to urge you to end relationship you are happy in.

meeeeh

Ditch the friend. Two friends of mine were in the similar situation. He was in love with her for years and her staying friends with him meant he didn't move on for way too long. It was hard to watch him moping around when she was dating others. It might seem cruel but you would be doing him a favour and enablinghim to move on. Also since you told your bf (I wouldn't) you are risking your own relationship. I'm firm believer men and women can be friends but not when one person has feelings for the other.

Terrontress

meeeeh wrote: »

Ditch the friend. Two friends of mine were in the similar situation. He was in love with her for years and her staying friends with him meant he didn't move on for way too long. It was hard to watch him moping around when she was dating others. It might seem cruel but you would be doing him a favour and enablinghim to move on. Also since you told your bf (I wouldn't) you are risking your own relationship. I'm firm believer men and women can be friends but not when one person has feelings for the other.

It’s very common, isn’t it? I’ve been in the friendship zone in the past for a short time myself, my best mate for a couple of years. It didn’t work out at all.

Love a female friend madly. Try to be everything for her, her shoulder to cry on, her lift to the shops, her job counsellor, give her your possessions, pretending you don’t want them. You’re just waiting for her to realise she loves you, you don’t want to risk the friendship so you stay silent about your true feelings.

It’s torture for the guy, often visible to so many people, but not to the girl in question. She just thinks it is normal for a guy to put all his effort into making her happy, but not expect anything else in return.

I know one girl who told me that she thought a guy who so obviously loves her might be asexual because she’s never heard him mention any girls or guys in a romantic way in all the years she has known him. She had a cold, he roasted a chicken and brought it round along with some lemsip. He brings her back presents from holidays. He gave her his TV and is now discussing buying a very similar one.

OP. That’s the way it is. Better to cut the ties to the friend, or else get married to him. There’s no in between.

LegacyUser

The friend isn't a friend he's some lad that's been waiting for his chance for ten years. He is some lad that has no respect for you or your relationship. Hanging around with him one on one would be both disrespectful to your bf and lead him on. What he does or his mental state in the absence of your friendship is not your concern, suggesting someone end their happy relationship for him when zero interest expressed is unhinged. Friendship over, his fault.

Sardonicat

Has your friend indicated to you that he wants to maintain a friendship with you now that he's said his piece? I'd wager that he doesn't and you won't have to try too hard to ease off on the contact.

Why did you tell your boyfriend? That was not necessary for him to know and frankly, cruel to him and the guy you describe as your best friend. He opened up to you, all you had to do was say your own piece and draw a line under it. In any kind of scenario where feelings aren't or can't be reciprocated, you shouldn't share the contents of someone's heart like that.

He should have spoken up sooner, for sure, but if his feelings grew after a longstanding friendship he was probably afraid of losing you. If you had suspicions his feelings ran deeper then you should have taken the initiative and given him the opportunity to tell you before now and let him move on. Instead, you were knowingly stringing him along for years by the sound of it. Not nice.

This friendship is over now. Stay away from him and let him lick his wounds and move on with his life.

Church on Tuesday

From experience here (I was the BF) if you love and respect your BF the friend needs to go.

The friend isn't and never really was your friend anyways. He needs to cop himself on, deal with it and move on.

Your relationship is and should be absolute priority number one. Your former friend will be fine.

Dog day

Hi OP, my intention isn’t to be harsh but I suspect you’re somewhat enjoying the drama & attention. It was unnecessary to tell your boyfriend, a clearly communicated conversation with this friend would’ve sufficed. Telling your boyfriend risks creating avoidable drama & there was nothing to actually tell as the feelings aren’t reciprocated.

Equally this is not a healthy friendship at all as a friend with your best interests at heart wouldn’t threaten your happy relationship with this admission & you yourself suspected this person had feelings towards you & allowed the situation to continue. To then state that you fear the friend may harm himself is a powerfully impactful statement to make & shouldn’t be made lightly & without concrete evidence that’s a risk.

Leave this friendship to fade & allow the guy to move on. Perhaps try to be more mindful of peoples feelings in future yourself.

leggo

With situations like this where you're torn, always default to what the healthy option is. It makes everything so much easier and things figure themselves out, almost always in the most productive way.

For example: do you tell the boyfriend or lie to your boyfriend? The no-brainer healthy option is to tell him, it's not even close. That'll probably have a knock-on effects, but those effects are following a healthy pathway that lead you to the happiest possible end result, so they're worth dealing with.

Do you continue a friendship that's been tainted now by the understanding that he wants something you can't give him...or do you continue a friendship you're uncomfortable with out of some misplaced fear for his wellbeing? Again, easy option when you default to what's healthy.

Honest conversations that may involve uncomfortable truths that'll upset people need to happen, boundaries need to be drawn and respected, and if not then people need to go. And while that may be painful to go through short-term, doing so means the end result will be you living a healthy, happy life at the end. If you start to compromise and blur the lines, then you risk a relationship you do want to keep for the sake of a friendship with someone who doesn't want a friendship with you. The solution itself is actually easy to arrive at, but the process of doing it could be painful. Still, this guy has forced your hand here with this so that's on him. He's not your responsibility ultimately and you're not doing him any good by trying to protect him from experiencing consequences for his actions and decisions: consequences are how we learn and grow as people.