Parents are not nice people

LegacyUser

Does anyone else feel utterly disappointed with their relationships with their parents. Grew up in a physically abusive household full of tension . We were terrified of our father. I used to take the seat behind the drivers seat in the car so he couldn’t reach me when he lashed out when he was angry. He was just an awful father when we were growing up on. Slagged teased name called etc. Other times we were teased that we wouldn’t see our mom again while we were very young for example. I remember us crying our eyes out in the back of them car when we were very young...I’ve only realised how messed up that is to do that to children since I’ve had my own.

When we did something wrong, as teenagers do, we would be marched out to the car and have to go on a drive with driver screaming like a lunatic speeding and driving dangerously. It was terrifying. Our mother didn’t protect us. She stayed with a man who she witnessed dragging one of his daughters up the stairs by her hair in a temper and did nothing to intervene. They eventually divorced but not because of how he behaved towards his children. She is also a very selfish person and can’t be trusted. She lies about so many things and is not someone you can confide anything in as it will be used against you. She is extremely manipulative. I had to distance from her as it was too difficult receiving abusive texts when she was drinking. I would hate to think I would ever treat my children like that, it’s just not what parents should do

It’s disappointing having parents like that. I don’t think some people realise how lucky they are to have loving and supportive parents. It’s just sad

Xterminator

Hi OP

i can only sympathise with you. As the saying gores, you need a licence to have a dog, but anyone can have a baby. Growing up in that environment has without doubt impacted on you greatly. You don't get to choose you parents - and all you can do is make sure you don't make the same mistakes, if and when you have a family.

Practically you can minimise contact with them or cut them off altogether, whichever works for you best. The best thing i can advise you to do is to ive your life fully and without fear despite them. Do what you enjoy, and channel your energies so that they are a positive force in your life. Remember you can find role models in life, that are positive examples of how to deal with situations.

You mention bringing up children in your post. You can certainly take a class on parenting, to equip you for the hard road that is parenthood. Links below if you feel like you would like to get more information on positive parenting & if that is in your life plan.
https://www.barnardos.ie/resources/parents/parenting-courses
https://www.parentsplus.ie/parents-site/parents-find-a-course/

I don't believe in hate, because i think hate harms the person who harbours hate, more then it does the target. I think that you should at least try to work through any anger issues you may feel, but more for yourself and your personal development. Recognise your parents failures, break any abusive cycle, but try not to go down that road of resentment etc. I think the fact you expressed yourself as disappointed with your parents, rather than hate or anger bodes well for you. It suggests you are on the right path.

Best of luck for the future.

eviltwin

I cut myself off from my family in my teens, similar background to you OP, lots of abuse, lots of manipulation and gaslighting. I also have kids and I don't want my children around that, I don't want my kids to have that kind of experience.

Cutting people out is a big decision but for me it was the only option and I don't regret it. I would definitely recommend counselling if you haven't had some. I feel for you, parental rejection and alienation leaves deep scars, I don't think I will ever fully get over it. Even now in my 40s I still feel I haven't learned how to be in the world but I've also learnt a lot from it too, resilience, independence and how not to treat people.

Don't go through this alone, do consider talking to a professional about it

LegacyUser

eviltwin wrote: »

I cut myself off from my family in my teens, similar background to you OP, lots of abuse, lots of manipulation and gaslighting. I also have kids and I don't want my children around that, I don't want my kids to have that kind of experience.

Cutting people out is a big decision but for me it was the only option and I don't regret it. I would definitely recommend counselling if you haven't had some. I feel for you, parental rejection and alienation leaves deep scars, I don't think I will ever fully get over it. Even now in my 40s I still feel I haven't learned how to be in the world but I've also learnt a lot from it too, resilience, independence and how not to treat people.

Don't go through this alone, do consider talking to a professional about it

Looking back it would have been better to just leave the house completely in teens and be cared for by someone else. It was a horrible experience having parents growing up and on top of that we were expected to perform well in school. After years of living in that environment we were then subjected to a functioning alcoholic mother and all the stress that comes with that. There is something very disturbing about seeing a parent slumped over in front of a fire with duvet over them - I used to expect a call everyday to say she had been found face down in water.

I have cut all contact with mother numerous times but have slowly let her back in after a few months. But every time I do I am just disappointed with how she behaves. I think I just need to accept she will never be a mother that is nurturing or caring. Being honest, the only reason I do get back in touch it is so I don't feel bad if something bad happened to her....but I don't even think that is a good enough reason anymore. How she behaved recently and the stress that she caused me, including one of my children, has made me not want to know her anymore. It feels like a relief not being in a relationship with her now, there is only so many times a person will be given one more chance.

My siblings haven't really seen how normal families are. My in laws are lovely people and would never treat their sons or daughters the way mine do even as adults. My siblings seem to have a very ''emotionally cut off'' from family and don't really care or support each other. It is quite sad but it is just what is normal to them I suppose.

Yes, thank you. I very unwell at the moment and am involved with various mental health professionals.....we are currently trying to manage the symptoms as opposed to looking into the cause

Sunrise_Sunset

Yep, another one here who has cut a parent out of my life. It's been one of the best things in my life to have that weight lifted off my shoulders.
I actually had a good childhood, it was only when I got to teenage years that I began having issues with my father, and those issues never went away into adulthood.

I'm sorry that you have had to deal with this in your life OP, I would recommend that you speak to a professional about this and tackle any emotional issues you may have developed because of it. You mentioned twice that you were disappointed with your relationship with them, but I would say that's only a surface emotion, and you have many more gurgling underneath. Definitely speak to someone.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

i can only sympathise with you. As the saying gores, you need a licence to have a dog, but anyone can have a baby. Growing up in that environment has without doubt impacted on you greatly. You don't get to choose you parents - and all you can do is make sure you don't make the same mistakes, if and when you have a family.

Practically you can minimise contact with them or cut them off altogether, whichever works for you best. The best thing i can advise you to do is to ive your life fully and without fear despite them. Do what you enjoy, and channel your energies so that they are a positive force in your life. Remember you can find role models in life, that are positive examples of how to deal with situations.

You mention bringing up children in your post. You can certainly take a class on parenting, to equip you for the hard road that is parenthood. Links below if you feel like you would like to get more information on positive parenting & if that is in your life plan.
https://www.barnardos.ie/resources/parents/parenting-courses
https://www.parentsplus.ie/parents-site/parents-find-a-course/

I don't believe in hate, because i think hate harms the person who harbours hate, more then it does the target. I think that you should at least try to work through any anger issues you may feel, but more for yourself and your personal development. Recognise your parents failures, break any abusive cycle, but try not to go down that road of resentment etc. I think the fact you expressed yourself as disappointed with your parents, rather than hate or anger bodes well for you. It suggests you are on the right path.

Best of luck for the future.

Yes I think minimising contact with father is good, he wouldn't care anyway so it won't bother him. He wouldn't even notice to be honest.

I had to cut contact with mother again recently over her behaviour as it had a very bad impact on myself and one of my children. I had no choice but to cut contact as the abusive messages she sending was causing a lot of stress for my family. She has now started texting me suggesting to meet up but I just don't want to be around her anymore so just make myself unavailable. I don't trust her and don't like her as a person anymore as I have had my fill of her manipulation for 20 years +.

She is an utter disappointment as a mother on so many levels. In times when myself or my siblings were experiencing a crises she would make us feel worse...she adds stress instead of support.

Recently she contacted me to say how hurt she was that I had cut my family off from her. I did this to protect myself and my children from her behaviour. I tried to explain how badly affected my family was from her behaviour and that I can't let my kids be exposed to what I was growing up so....I was then accused of being the cause of her not being able to meet her friends or go to work. The text messages got increasingly frequent and more aggressive. She then started threatening me saying that her drinking would be least of my concerns and started making threats of suicide. I actually felt fine until I heard from her again.

So even when I try to resolve things it is still not possible so maybe it is best to have no relationship at all.

Stateofyou

It is sad and of course deeply disappointing to the point of grief I think, and it's something you'll probably always be processing one way or another. Very sorry to hear what you've been through. I also often think how lucky some are who have one and even two loving parents in their lives. Sometimes I wonder what that would feel like.
You sound like a great parent, and the cycle of abuse will break with you and your generation. Well done on that, many don't. Do whatever you can to focus on healing now and minding your mental health. All the best to you.

donkeykong5

Newby123 wrote: »

Does anyone else feel utterly disappointed with their relationships with their parents. Grew up in a physically abusive household full of tension . We were terrified of our father. I used to take the seat behind the drivers seat in the car so he couldn’t reach me when he lashed out when he was angry. He was just an awful father when we were growing up on. Slagged teased name called etc. Other times we were teased that we wouldn’t see our mom again while we were very young for example. I remember us crying our eyes out in the back of them car when we were very young...I’ve only realised how messed up that is to do that to children since I’ve had my own.

When we did something wrong, as teenagers do, we would be marched out to the car and have to go on a drive with driver screaming like a lunatic speeding and driving dangerously. It was terrifying. Our mother didn’t protect us. She stayed with a man who she witnessed dragging one of his daughters up the stairs by her hair in a temper and did nothing to intervene. They eventually divorced but not because of how he behaved towards his children. She is also a very selfish person and can’t be trusted. She lies about so many things and is not someone you can confide anything in as it will be used against you. She is extremely manipulative. I had to distance from her as it was too difficult receiving abusive texts when she was drinking. I would hate to think I would ever treat my children like that, it’s just not what parents should do

It’s disappointing having parents like that. I don’t think some people realise how lucky they are to have loving and supportive parents. It’s just sad

Glad the circle didn't continue. It's great that you now have your own children and are showing them the love and respect you were deprived of as an innocent child. At the end of the day its your parents loss. You have moved on and are now living your own life with your own happy family. Well done.

lainey_d_123

I'm sorry to hear that OP. I had similar parents myself and I think only someone who has experienced the same can possibly understand. People who had normal, loving parents have a foundation of love and trust and can build on that. Their parents are there for them unconditionally and build them up when things go wrong. For those of us who don't have that, life can be a real slog. I've come to realise that it's not my fault, it's the hand I was dealt, but it's still tough alright. I was also dragged around by my hair, called names and constantly hit/smacked and just grew up thinking I deserved it. It's only now I look back and feel utter disgust that grown adults would drag a 6-year-old child outside by the hair for being boisterous and not wanting to go bed. They couldn't cope with being parents, weren't ready for it, couldn't stand each other, and took it all out on me and my siblings.

I think back to what should be happy memories and almost all of them are tainted with violence and abuse. My first ballet exam when my mother slapped me in frustration because she couldn't do my hair properly and then blamed me for leaving a red mark someone might see and ask about. The trip to Disneyland Paris with my parents screaming at each other in the car, my mother threatening to open the door and throw herself out while we were driving on the motorway, my dad expecting three small children to sit in a car for 8+ hours without a single toilet break and calling us ungrateful c*nts when we begged him to stop off. They were incapable of any self awareness, incapable of understanding that the children they chose to have should have come first. They had kids in their early twenties because it was the 'thing to do' then, without any thought as to the type of parents they would be or whether their relationship was solid enough for it.

The worst for me is the envy and the jealousy when I meet my friends'/partners' parents and see how they interact and how lovely they are. I feel rotten for feeling this way, but it really is envy, and also frustration, because these people are just incapable of comprehending that not everyone's life has been happy like theirs. They say things like 'you get stressed so easily' or 'you're so pessimistic' so flippantly, when they have no idea of how bloody lucky they were to take a peaceful, calm home for granted.

Stateofyou

@laineyd123 - I read through your post with a big lump in my throat. So sorry to read of what you went through. I share some of those same feelings as does my wife (double whammy for us that between the two of us we don't have any loving parents or family). While your friends might say that and my wife has experienced that too, we've also found that people with tough back grounds usually have more empathy and kindness and understanding than others. My wife has a close friend that also had a difficult childhood, and she's one of the most kind hearted (and responsible) people I think I've ever met. And it's people like that the world needs more of. It really helps to find friends who are more of your tribe, who get it on that level.

MarkY91

Some really sad stories here.

My dad was an alcoholic when I was a kid...many arguments and general agro about the house.

He decided to get into alcoholics anonymous and stopped drinking which helped a lot with the household atmosphere. He sadly passed away when I was 15. As an adult, I can appreciate that he was battling childhood demons with the aid of alcohol to the point where he became an alcoholic. I'm happy to have spent my older childhood with him as a recovering alcoholic as opposed to the earlier years as a drunk.

Boozybooze

Nothing worse than toxic parents and narcissist parents.

I've basically cut my mother out of my life and usually visit once every three months but it generally just ends with me walking out after a few minutes when her narcissm comes out.

I'm probably going to cut it back to six months now and tell her it's her last chance.

Pistachio19

I think you should have no contact with either of them. I wouldn't want them to have any influence over my kids whatsoever. Your father is vile and your mother enabled him and isn't much better. Neither are worthy of a relationship with you now. You can walk away with your head held high and leave them in the past. They don't deserve to see you, demand anything from you, to take up a moment of your time and certainly don't deserve to have a relationship with your precious children. They made their choices while rearing you and now it's time you got pay back of sorts by freeing yourself from them altogether. For the sake of your sanity maybe you should block their numbers and block from social media (if they are on there). That way they cannot make contact and cannot see what you are up to. And if they try to make contact via other people just ignore. You'll never change the way they treat you but you can make changes to free yourself from them.

AllForIt

I feel for you OP. It's a bad start in life to have to grow up in such circumstances.

Now that I'm more mature I distance myself from my family for having lived in similar circumstances i.e dysfunctional. I'm better off for it.

Ave Sodalis

OP, I too am a person who cut a parent out of my life (my father). It was tough, very tough. There were other circumstances which made it a lot harder. However, if I was to go back, the only thing I would do different is to do it sooner... but at the same time, my brother wouldn't have done it any sooner and then he wouldn't have had the same support when an incident occurred that caused us both to finally cut contact. I can see how close my partner is to both his parents and it's still a bit of a bizarre concept. I'm far closer to his mother than his father. I got a hug from his father once and it was... strange, verging on uncomfortable.



Mine was nowhere near as bad as yours, for the most part my mother was supportive, so it is completely understandable if you are disappointed and angry with your parents. I would strongly suggest getting some sort of counselling, but what you're feeling is normal.

MelanieD

Definitely agree on getting some sort of counselling. I removed my toxic mother from my life nearly eight years ago but it's hard to forget her cruel spiteful behaviour. It's still there in my head every day.

Be kind to yourself. Well done to everyone above for walking away from their toxic situations.

MelanieD

Definitely agree on getting some sort of counselling. I removed my toxic mother from my life nearly eight years ago but it's hard to forget her cruel spiteful behaviour. It's still there in my head every day.

Be kind to yourself. Well done to everyone above for walking away from their toxic situations.