Boyfriend feels I was acting inappropriately sexually

bb1234567

So the other day I had my boyfriend over, and we were kissing and had sex. It was fine..normal..absolutely nothing out of the ordinary..and he was active in it and did all the usual things we do. Afterward was nice too, just chatting having coffee and a bit to eat.

Then he was a bit distant and quiet all week, we didn't really talk much for a few days until we met up yesterday. But honestly that's pretty normal as we both have very busy college courses(thesis) and so I thought nothing of it.

Anyway we were talking last night about an unrelated issue and got to the topic of being open with our emotions and he said he was distant this week because he found the other evening so unenjoyable with me. He said he felt 'prostituted' afterward and that I used him sexually to my own gratification, that I was not considerate of him in bed. That he was just there for my own entertainment.And that he felt disgusting and so lonely after and didn't feel like speaking to me all week. Something to that extent, honestly I was so shocked he said that I went into a bit of a daze and can't remember how exactly it was worded.

I didn't really know what to say. All he said when we were having sex was just 'slow down a bit' when we were kissing, absolutely nothing else that would be out of the ordinary or point to him feeling so uncomfortable. We've been together 5 years and we are so incredibly close and tell anything to each other ,or so I thought. I didn't really think it was possible for either of us to be able to make each other feel so uncomfortable, ever. He said it was completely fine now and that the feelings had passed but he then seemed annoyed that I was getting upset over him being honest about it and said' would you have preferred if I just kept it bottled up? 'Of course I didn't like hearing it but of course I didn't want him to not say it either though I certainly think it could have been worded more considerately, if I felt that way I definitely wouldn't have used the word 'prostituted'. And he did apologise for using that word but still, whats said was said.

He said he didn't want to leave things on a bad note and started saying things he loved about me and kissed me and said he loved me. But I just feel so shocked and so humiliated and ashamed that I could make somebody I love feel that awful without even knowing. Saying the things he liked about me actually made me feel even worse because it seemed like he had been weighinging up whether it was worth staying with me or something. My pros and cons. I just love him, unconditionally, I can't ever imagine viewing our relationship thorugh such an objective lense.

Honestly the thought of seeing him again makes me sick to my stomach, I dont know what to do. I feel so upset and depressed that the person I love so much thought this way of me. It feels like our relationship, which to me was perfect, has just been turned on its head and changed forever, I don't know how I can ever feel as completely comfortable around him again ,as I always have with him.

Today he is just acting so normally, asking me what I thought of the match etc, as if nothing happened , I can barely bring myself to even reply. It seems like he doesnt appreciate the gravity of what he has said at all.

And to clear up confusion, I am a man also. We are in our early twenties ,dating for 5 years

Ash.J.Williams

Girl you need to drop that zero....oh wait

bb1234567

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

Girl you need to drop that zero....oh wait

What?

qwerty13

“I just love him, unconditionally, I can't ever imagine viewing our relationship thorugh such an objective lense.”

Well this just is simply untrue. Are you actually saying that you would love him no matter what he did, no matter how he made you feel, no matter how he hurt you, no matter how he treated you - or others?! I’m not trying to get a dig in, but I think it is very dramatic and foolish to make a claim such as this. I don’t think you can possibly really feel that way, and I think it is ridiculous to claim that your BF has hurt you because he doesn’t feel that way (and pretty ironic really - if you loved him unconditionally, you’d still love him despite him saying this).

Did you ignore him when he asked you to slow down?

Moshman

5 years is a long time to give up on because of one incident. Think you both need to have a frank discussion about the relationship, boundaries etc. to see if there's a future.
You're both young and have a long life ahead of you. If as a couple you decide it's not salvageable then move on, be kind and be happy.
Best of luck with it

bb1234567

I never said I didnt love him anymore @qwerty13? You can still love somebody and be hurt by what they said. But yeh I get what you mean, maybe it was a bit over dramatic, I just really love him, it would take an awful lot to make me fall out of love with him.

Porklife

Ridiculous "advice" thus far. OP no wonder you feel offended and confused. I think something more must be going on behind the scenes here. To be honest he sounds controlling and like he's manipulating you. He wants you to question yourself and feel bad. I'd be questioning why that is. You didn't do anything wrong OP

qwerty13

bb1234567 wrote: »

I never said I didnt love him anymore @qwerty13? You can still love somebody and be hurt by what they said.

You’ve said that you love him without conditions, and are hurt that he is imposing a condition on loving you - the condition being not to ignore his wishes during sex.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for someone to have conditions on their love for another person, such as ‘don’t ignore my wishes during sex, or treat me like I’m just a handy presence’.

I think it is completely unreasonable to expect (or be shocked and horrified) someone else to love you without conditions, ie that you can say and do whatever you like, and they’ll still love you.

Did you slow down when he asked you to?

bb1234567

qwerty13 wrote: »

You’ve said that you love him without conditions, and are hurt that he is imposing a condition on loving you - the condition being not to ignore his wishes during sex.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for someone to have conditions on their love for another person, such as ‘don’t ignore my wishes during sex, or treat me like I’m just a handy presence’.

I think it is completely unreasonable to expect (or be shocked and horrified) someone else to love you without conditions, ie that you can say and do whatever you like, and they’ll still love you.

Did you slow down when he asked you to?

I'm hurt that he viewed our relationship in this way and specifically was weighing up what was 'good' and 'bad' about me, while on the surface our relationship seemed to be going fine to me, thats it. I think youre reading too much into a very specific part of the post. Ok I misused the word, sorry Im just a bit upset and not thinking that clearly, in the context of my post I meant loving somebody despite their 'flaws',I guess its obvious I wouldnt love him if he like murdered somebody or something, theres things I'm sure arent perfect about my boyfriend, but I dont care because I just love him overall. Is what I meant

And yes, I slowed down a bit, but it really wasnt said in a very serious way. It was just kissing, he was half laughing like saying I was getting a bit over excited, to cool down. Anyway if the fast kissing was that uncomfortable for him then I dont know why he continued to have sex wth me after with him initiating many parts of it (sorry to get TMI)..

lalababa

OP.....Sometimes We can't help our feeling eventhough we may make molehills into mountains. This is probably true about the both of ye here. He probably was feeling a bit vulnerable emotionally and thought you came on a bit strong. Alot of my girlfriend s have reacted this way at some point and vice a versa over the years.
Just be glad that ye have opened up more and learnt more about each other . And you can ask him what exactly he wants/needs in the sex Dept.
Or ..... you can just say 'whos yer f**king daddy now biaatchh'🙂

bb1234567

lalababa wrote: »

OP.....Sometimes We can't help our feeling eventhough we may make molehills into mountains. This is probably true about the both of ye here. He probably was feeling a bit vulnerable emotionally and thought you came on a bit strong. Alot of my girlfriend s have reacted this way at some point and vice a versa over the years.
Just be glad that ye have opened up more and learnt more about each other . And you can ask him what exactly he wants/needs in the sex Dept.
Or ..... you can just say 'whos yer f**king daddy now biaatchh'��

Haha thanks, good to know he might not have really meant what he said..I hope so anyway..

Yes the other night we were talking about being more emotionally open with one another. I told him I had been feeling very down lately due to the worldload at college and he said I should have told him so he could help, and then thats how he came to say this..something he was also bottling up..In some ways I appreciate the honesty but it was really bad timing to say something like this given we were just talking about how absolutely ****e I was feeling. Really feeling a thousand times worse now, and dont even feel comfortable now to speak to him about anything so had pretty much the opposite intended effect

qwerty13

It sounds like there’s an issue with communication, both inside and outside the bedroom. Now that you know that, you can work on it.

bb1234567

Porklife wrote: »

Ridiculous "advice" thus far. OP no wonder you feel offended and confused. I think something more must be going on behind the scenes here. To be honest he sounds controlling and like he's manipulating you. He wants you to question yourself and feel bad. I'd be questioning why that is. You didn't do anything wrong OP

He is such a nice, genuine guy though.I thought that I knew him so well after 5 years of a very close relationship. Never once has anything like this come up in that time. I'm still so shocked he said it, when I woke up this morning I actually felt briefly relieved thinking it had actually been a dream he had said it in.

I think tomorrow I'm going to ask him is he just gone off me or something. I did absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, there is no reason why what we did should have made him feel that way unless he just doesnt like me anymore.

Xterminator

Porklife wrote: »

To be honest he sounds controlling and like he's manipulating you. He wants you to question yourself and feel bad. I'd be questioning why that is. You didn't do anything wrong OP

Ah yes, the usual men are bad advice.

What did the OP's partner do that was objectionable? He shared his feelings, and tried his best not to leave on a sour note. how controlling is that? Are you saying he should have sucked it up because he was a man? would you give the same advice if a woman said her partner made her fell this way during sex?

OP - my advice is not to be too hard on yourself. I agree with other poster that a good chat about boundaries, what is acceptable , what each other likes and doesn't would be just what you both need right now.

See it as a wake up call, it doesn't make you a bad partner, and actually could in the long term make your relationship stronger, if you manage to learn to communicate honestly about issues like this.

I think you might be making it a larger issue than it really is, because you are so upset and because it never crossed your mind until he said it.

Porklife

What has gender got to do with it? I would give the exact same advice if it was a woman, no idea why you;re bringing gender into it. I also never said men are bad. Your post is bizarre.

AulWan

I actually think the fact that he opened up and told you how he felt is an indicator that you have a very strong relationship.

Understandably, you're hurt at how he worded it, but long term, being able to communicate openly about these things can only be healthy.

I wouldn't see it as controlling at all.

You in turn, should let him know you felt hurt and confused by the terms he used, that you would never treat him like that.

Talk, talk, talk, it out.

Neyite

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

Girl you need to drop that zero....oh wait

Mod:


Come on. It's an advice forum. Give the OP some decent advice or don't bother posting.

lozenges

I understand that you were not feeling great before he mentioned this to you and that it made you feel hurt and more miserable.

However - there is no evidence to suggest that your partner is 'gone off you' .You assuming that something else is underlying this does come across somewhat as you (consciously or unconsciously) minimising/dismissing how your partner felt and what part your actions had to play in that.

As others have said it's a sign of strength in a relationship that the other person feels they can tell you things that are uncomfortable/unpleasant. Take him at his word when he says how he felt, figure out together how to avoid it happening again, and don't be afraid to open up to him yourself about stuff that's stressing you out.

Augme

I don't think he is controlling. However often people don't even realise there behaviour is controlling and it is a subconscious thing. Also, in a sense a lot people natural actions and reactions are done as a means of "controlling" someone, it doesn't necessarily mean it is a bad thing.

bb1234567 wrote: »

Honestly the thought of seeing him again makes me sick to my stomach, I dont know what to do. I feel so upset and depressed that the person I love so much thought this way of me. It feels like our relationship, which to me was perfect, has just been turned on its head and changed forever, I don't know how I can ever feel as completely comfortable around him again ,as I always have with him.

Today he is just acting so normally, asking me what I thought of the match etc, as if nothing happened , I can barely bring myself to even reply. It seems like he doesnt appreciate the gravity of what he has said at all.

And to clear up confusion, I am a man also. We are in our early twenties ,dating for 5 years

One could argue that your reaction to this is an example of controlling and potentially abusive or shows signs of being potentially abusive. Now I don't think it is, but there can often be a fine line and people don't even realise.

If you go down the path of reacting in a such a negative manner do you think he will feel comfortable opening up and being honest with you in the future? Probably not. If you were trying to control him and ensure he was never honest with you or criticised you then your behaviour would be a text book way to do it.

I understand your reaction and I don't think there is anything wrong to feel hurt and upset, but it's how you deal your hurt and upset that will make or break this situation.

Porklife

Porklife wrote: »

Ridiculous "advice" thus far. OP no wonder you feel offended and confused. I think something more must be going on behind the scenes here. To be honest he sounds controlling and like he's manipulating you. He wants you to question yourself and feel bad. I'd be questioning why that is. You didn't do anything wrong OP

Other way around and there is zero percent chance you write the same “advice”. A persons feelings should be listened to regardless of what’s between their legs.

OP - talk it out as much as possible. The relationship is going to go to one of the two extremes after something like this so don’t leave anything behind leaving anything unsaid. Him clamming up and saying nothing about it while remaining annoyed would be a far worse situation.

qwerty13

I suspect that this is a long standing issue for your partner, which he didn’t communicate. And for whatever reason, he communicated it all at once, which made it a lot more stark than it needed to be.

You both had very recently acknowledged that you need to open up to each other - I’d say this an urgent thing to do, if you want the relationship to survive. On the plus side, it sounds like you both recognise that.

ILoveYourVibes

I think couples need to find a balance of expressing their feelings while not using loaded language that will only worsen the situation and stop the other person from understanding what you mean.

No relationship is perfect or will ever be.

He didn't mean to make you feel this way. I think he just meant to explain how he feels. But he didn't account for how your feelings would go.

Being able to communicate honestly is important in a relationship. Its important to be able to do that without adding to the drama. Sometimes one partner is better at this than the other.

Maybe it is a long standing issue.

doughef

Honestly — this is bananas.
He needs a kick up the hole and you need to stop facilitating his *****e

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I think couples need to find a balance of expressing their feelings while not using loaded language that will only worsen the situation and stop the other person from understanding what you mean.

No relationship is perfect or will ever be.

He didn't mean to make you feel this way. I think he just meant to explain how he feels. But he didn't account for how your feelings would go.

Being able to communicate honestly is important in a relationship. Its important to be able to do that without adding to the drama. Sometimes one partner is better at this than the other.

Maybe it is a long standing issue.