Gay brother advice.

LegacyUser

I'm unsure where to start.(I'm trying to set the scene at the start)
I'm late twenties and he's over a decade older than me.
Mother is her 50's and father is in his sixties. Other siblings are aged between us.
He came out over a decade ago.
Parents are a little religious. They go to mass weekly and on holy days and confession once a year. However we were never forced to go to mass growing up, say prayers,etc. They never said anything much negative growing up about social issues such as homosexuality or abortion. They supported the marriage referendum and would never had said anything homophobic over the years. They are shy people tough.
In general they are liberal and open but aren't gone on drugs.
He came out over a decade ago. My parents reaction was we just want you to be happy. I hadn't much of reaction to be honest. I just said fine and I was cool with it. Siblings were the same. It wasn't really a surprise to me to be honest but he thought he hid it fairly well.
My parents aren't overly nosy when it comes to our relationships or sex lives unless we speak to them or tell or they'd never try and match max,etc. However if we spoke to them they'd listen and help out,etc.
He did try to date women in his twenties and it just wasn't for him.
I know he's had mental health issues with about 20 years or so. It's mainly caused by loneliness and not finding a partner.
This is where the issues sort of begin.
My brother is sort of stern, serious and can be a judgmental of others. Even my friends growing up were never good enough for him over little teenage issues.
This has filtered into him finding love also. He's besotted with somebody and then they have a falling out and it generally ends because of they get tired of him being so serious and he falls into a big depression and he tries to guilt my parents saying they are not interested and un-accepting. However when they ask questions they are being nosy and they aren't good enough to meet his partner. I do my best with him but we've little in common.
His latest partner is having ups and downs now but this is the most serious he's been about somebody in years. I know him a little through work from years ago and I know his social circle. They were heavily involved in drugs at the time and not a lot has changed over the years. I'm unsure what I should say about this if the matter comes up at home. If I say something I'm being a gossip and if I don't and something goes wrong I'd be told I said nothing.

Is there much else my parents can do to accept him?

im not sure im seeing where him being gay is anything to do with the issue tbh

your brother struggles to find a partner, you dont like his new partner- isnt that about the height of it?

theres not much id advise you to do in those circs.....you have to stay out of people's relationships really

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

im not sure im seeing where him being gay is anything to do with the issue tbh

your brother struggles to find a partner, you dont like his new partner- isnt that about the height of it?

theres not much id advise you to do in those circs.....you have to stay out of people's relationships really

I am mainly looking for advice regarding how who to say to my brother or for my parents to say to him when he tells them they are un-accepting, etc.

He looks for people to be involved with his relationsho

I have no real opinion of the guy apart from the fact that I know him and his friends are involved in drugs. I don't think I said I didn't like the guy. I know now to say nothing and keep my nose out of it. Not much can really go wrong there I suppose.

wiggle16

I understand you don't want your brother to get hurt, or your parents. I do see why you've included that he's gay, as he basically weaponises this to dismiss your parents when they disagree with his choices. It's probably just that because it's in the thread title it's misleading, unintentionally.

Other posters are right tho. It's best to stay out of it - not only because it's not your business, but because getting involved can make things worse and you can come out the bad guy. I've made the mistake in the past of trying to explain someone else's behaviour to the person they're off with in order to try to difuse it and get them to make up, and it always backfires.

That's effectively what you'd be doing here, and your brother may see it as you taking sides with your parents, while your parents may see it as meddling. You're better off keeping your own counsel.

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

I understand you don't want your brother to get hurt, or your parents. I do see why you've included that he's gay, as he basically weaponises this to dismiss your parents when they disagree with his choices. It's probably just that because it's in the thread title it's misleading, unintentionally.

Other posters are right tho. It's best to stay out of it - not only because it's not your business, but because getting involved can make things worse and you can come out the bad guy. I've made the mistake in the past of trying to explain someone else's behaviour to the person they're off with in order to try to difuse it and get them to make up, and it always backfires.

That's effectively what you'd be doing here, and your brother may see it as you taking sides with your parents, while your parents may see it as meddling. You're better off keeping your own counsel.

Just to be clear my parents have always supported us.
My brother just guilt's them ever few months saying that he feels un supporterd because he's gay.

If it goes wrong I'll get the blame either way off him.

Mods can lock the thread.

Xterminator

HI OP

i dont think you should try to wield any influence on your parents relationship with your brother. if they are coming to you ask asking, what should we say/do i would say, tell your brother they love him, that if he thinks his partner is a good person, that is good enough for them and he is welcome to visit socialise etc. and that he will be taken at face value. After the initial welcome they can judge him on his actions not his past.

Its not that i dont recognize someone who has a history of taking drugs isnt a risky partner, but the frosty relationship between your parents and you brother means any attempt to object to his choice will be seen in a certain light. In all honestly perhaps a person with depression issues could also be viewed as potentially risky partner material too.

Maybe they will be good together, maybe they wont. but i dont see any good coming from trying to control your brtother or wanring his about aspects of his partners past behaviour, that he may already be aware of.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

HI OP

i dont think you should try to wield any influence on your parents relationship with your brother. if they are coming to you ask asking, what should we say/do i would say, tell your brother they love him, that if he thinks his partner is a good person, that is good enough for them and he is welcome to visit socialise etc. and that he will be taken at face value. After the initial welcome they can judge him on his actions not his past.

Its not that i dont recognize someone who has a history of taking drugs isnt a risky partner, but the frosty relationship between your parents and you brother means any attempt to object to his choice will be seen in a certain light. In all honestly perhaps a person with depression issues could also be viewed as potentially risky partner material too.

Maybe they will be good together, maybe they wont. but i dont see any good coming from trying to control your brtother or wanring his about aspects of his partners past behaviour, that he may already be aware of.

Thanks.
Funnily enough my parents will get over the drug thing. I could soften them on that. Once nothing was brought into there house.
It's make an issue of it if he finds out.
I know now when he ask me about this guy and his friends from my encounters of them in the past. I'll just have to try and fob him off.
My brother is a risky partner due to his depression and how snobby he can be of people that I explained in the OP.

wiggle16

Thread locked at OP's request.