Husband not happy Christmas wasnt spent with his Mam

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I just want some opinions to see if I really am in the wrong.

My husband (from Wales) and I had a baby four months ago. We both have single Mams.

Every year, my entire family (Mam, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) go to my grandparents for Christmas Day. My husbands grandparents are dead and his mother has two sisters, but it's always just been the two of them for Christmas. He has always flown back to Wales on the 23rd and flies home a few days later.

While I was pregnant, my husband and I discussed what we'd do for Christmas this year. He still refers to his Mam's house as 'home,' even though we've had our own house here for two years now. He said he wanted to spend Christmas 'at home' because his Mam would be alone otherwise.

I wanted our baby's first Christmas to be at home and asked could his Mam come over and join us for a few days. He said she couldn't as she always works Stephen's Day.

I asked could she spend the day with her sisters or her long-term partner. He said she couldn't as she'd need to get taxis there and back and it'd be too expensive. I suggested they go to hers but he said that was 'putting everyone out.'

He said he felt it was unfair that by spending Christmas at home, my Mam would get to see me when she has so many other people around her but his Mam would be completely alone.

In the end, we spent Christmas morning in our own house and went to see my family in the afternoon and stayed for dinner. He wasn't happy at all. I'm still not sure what his Mam did but I'm almost afraid to ask now as he was so grumpy all over Christmas.

We flew over to stay with his Mam last night and all she's been is happy to see us, no bad blood.

Realistically, he had to know that by moving to a different country, buying a house here and having a child with someone from Ireland, there would be a time when this would happen, right?

I'm already dreading the Christmasses to come. His Mam lives in a flat (one bed and just about room for a blow up double bed) so I'm not sure how it would even work if we spent Christmas there, between the sleeping arrangements and bringing all my child's Santy presents over, hiding them in the suitcase, etc.

Am I mad to have wanted Christmas here? What should we do next year?

Hannibal_Smith

Christmas is a hard time when it comes to juggling families, particularly when one has family abroad. It shouldnt mean that the one living abroad misses out on going home every year.

My brother lives abroad and didnt come home for Christmas this year. It didnt go down well with my parents at all, despite the fact that himself, his wife and the child have been here every other Christmas! Its completely understandable that they wanted to be in their own home for once.

If you're afraid to mention it to your husband, thats a bit different. You say you brought it up while you were pregnant and he said he wanted to go home. Were you afraid to push the topic with him then? That's an issue in itself.

It then left you with an unresolved point that was a ticking time bomb.

Both of your wishes are perfectly valid. It must be hard for him thinking his mum would be home alone. Its completely reasonable that both of you want to be home for Christmas. But a compromise has to be made on both sides.

Its something that you're going to have to talk about. Does his mother work every Stephens Day? You could work it where you're in Ireland one year and Wales the next? Surely she could manage to take every second stephens day off to come here, to avoid being alone at Christmas?

Addle

You have your own family now and Christmas can be about your own family in your own home. Santa will come and you’ll have your own traditions.

I don’t get all this coming and going between sides of the family. I think it’s only a relatively recent thing to do? When we were young, we made day trips to visit people, but stayed in our own homes.

Maybe it’s different when you have kids now (we don’t have any), but I find it mad that more people just don’t want to stay in their own homes.

Anyways, you can’t change what’s happened this year, and who knows what will happen next year. I don’t think there’s any point on dwelling on it or making any decisions now.

jlm29

It’s tricky, because everyone tends to want to spend Christmas with their families. I have friends who are married with one child, and they still separate at Christmas and go to each of their own families, but then they all live locally, so they stay at home in the morning for Santa. Their child is small enough still that she doesn’t know much different.
It sounds like something that needs to be planned in advance in future though. The most simple solution would seem to be that your partners mum would come to you if she doesn’t have to work st Stephens day. If she does, you probably will have to compromise some of the time. If I was in your partners situation, I wouldn’t like to think of my mum home alone for Xmas, and certainly not every Christmas. Just because he moved over here, he shouldn’t have to miss out every year.
You probably have at least 4 christmasses before your child is aware enough That dealing with Santa presents will be tricky. But obviously I know that transporting them is an issue too.

Addle

If she’s going to be working anyways, what’s the point in being there?
Spend quality time with her when she’s a few days off instead.

Xterminator

Hi Op

It appears on the face of it, you got your way, and he is upset. Saying he should have known when he bought a house here, .. etc doesn't help the situation.

You may need to find a compromise like alternate years are spent in one home then the other. I assume his mother wont have to work every Stephens day forever. Once that obstacle is overcome then perhaps here coming over would be feasible. Just find a compromise that works for now.

PS You are probably having a rant on boards.ie, rather than this being the tone of communication between you. You don't come across as having much empathy for his feeling/family situation. It came across as a 'get over yourself' tone. Just an observation.

jlm29

Addle wrote: »

You have your own family now and Christmas can be about your own family in your own home.

It seems though that the OP doesn’t want this at all though, she wants to spend Christmas with her family in her mothers home place. Or at least that’s what she wanted this year, and that’s what happened. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this, it’s what I do with my kids and my partner, but my partners parents are both deceased, so it’s not an issue. Her partner has a mother, who he’s obviously very close to, it’s understandable that he might want to think about spending Christmas with her sometimes

SusanC10

After we were married, we spent one Christmas each together in our Parents' homes which presented different challenges and then we decided to spend all future Christmases in our own home.
That being said, that decision does not leave anyone alone for Christmas. Both of us have siblings who want to be with the Parents.
We also visit family members over the Christmas break just not Christmas Day.

OP - I would talk to him properly when you are all back in Ireland. If you cannot agree what to do, then there will have to be compromise.

meeeeh

As someone who moved country to be with my now husband I find your attitude a bit cold and selfish. I never go home for Christmas because Christmas tends to be bigger deal here than it is for my family but if I was dismissed like that by my husband I would find it very unfair. So what if your house is here, there is no law that prohibits you to spend some time away from it.

My father was out of hospital on Christmas day after having prostate cancer operation and it just hit me that I really don't want either of them to be alone over the holidays.

miezekatze

I'm also someone who moved here from another country, married to an Irish person. Years ago, we used to do one year over there, then the following year here, etc. These days we usually stay with my folks either a few weeks before Christmas or for new year's, I don't really like travelling over xmas tbh. One year my folks came over for xmas and stayed with us.

You need to discuss with your partner how this should be done in years to come, and you will both need to compromise. You say he should have known it might be difficult when he moved here, but maybe he thinks he's the one living away from his family so you should compromise over xmas. There are 2 sides to this and it's not really fair to dismiss his wishes like that.

Victor

We used to always go to my aunts house on Christmas Day and they would come to us on New Year's Eve.

Try to set up something reciprocal. That way everyone gets respected.

hollymartins

Your baby's first Christmas wasn't at home though? You spent the afternoon and Christmas dinner in your mother's? I would be a bit miffed if my husband had wanted to spend Christmas in our own house when in reality we spent half the day with his family in someone else's house.

christmaswoes wrote: »

He still refers to his Mam's house as 'home,' even though we've had our own house here for two years now. He said he wanted to spend Christmas 'at home' because his Mam would be alone otherwise.

I call my parents house 'home' even though I haven't lived there in 15 years and own our house for the last 5. I think a lot of people do that so I wouldn't read too much into your husband doing the same.

Could you compromise and alternate Christmas between Ireland and Wales? Especially for the next few years when your child won't be fully aware of the change. Your husband may be less inclined to travel when your child is older and wanting to stay at home for Santa

qwerty13

I think you’re being a little unfair.

For a start, you don’t have to make plans now to cover Christmas every year. So certainly next year, I think you should go to Wales. Unless your child is much older and wants say a bike, I don’t see how Santa presents would be impossible to bring with you and do in Wales - and even then, surely there could be a compromise reached, eg Santa knows that your child lives in Ireland, so he did a ‘special early delivery’ to Ireland for a big bulky present, but smaller more manageable Santa presents could be delivered by Santa in Wales.

If taxis are too expensive for his mother though, could you and he not have helped out with that? What age is his mother, I mean is she going to be working every Stephen’s Day for the next 10/15 years?

I’m afraid it’s coming across as though you want Christmas with your extended family every year, and just expect him to suck it up. I think you need to compromise on going to Wales - but maybe he could consider paying for taxis for his mother if he’s not going to be there, so that she can go to someone else in the day if money is that tight. Or maybe you 3 could fly back from Wales on 26th next year, and you could host dinner for your family that evening.

AllForIt

OP, I don't agree with the 2 posts that got the most thanks here so far, whatsoever, and I find them them somewhat nasty towards you as well especially the second one.

You have a baby! and you are expected to take a flight at xmas to spend the day with your mother in-law is some cramped apartment apparently because she has nowhere to go due to her personal circumstances. You are expected to go to all this trouble and in doing so stay away from the rest of your own family. It's funny how noone one seems sympathetic to you having to engage in all that. I find xmas to be horrible time to travel and can't imagine doing that with a baby.

For some reason it's unthinkable for Welsh in-law to concede her circumstances yet you get the feeling any trouble you have to go to to satisfy your husband is utterly trivial. And to add insult to injury you are told that 'you don't care' about the situation. You are told - 'you've gotten your way'. I see no evidence whatsoever that the OP is all about 'getting her way' and is not either sympathetic to her husband or his mothers situation. Just because OP didn't given in an take a flight to Wales doesn't mean she's not sympathetic to the situation. She doesn't have to prove she's sympathetic by actually going to Wales.

OP, if you hubby is currently giving you the cold shoulder over this then it is him that is in the wrong not you. You are absolutely right to point the 'circumstances' in all this. Your dead right to. Rather is it is him that comes across unreasonable for 'not getting his way'.

Going forward all I can suggest if you better have it out with him. The idea about worrying about this doesn't bode well for your future relationship, and it's absurd to be worried about future Christmas's. I would say to him that you accept that it's a tricky one and that you are sympathetic to him and his mothers situation but you can't change your own circumstance either. These aren't circumstances of your making, it's not your 'fault', rather they in fact are circumstances of his making and I agree with you, he must take his past decisions into the equation, and accept them. If he's still not happy then he can only be unhappy with his own past decisions rather than the way you have conducted yourself.

BTW, fair play to you for travelling to Wales after xmas. It shows you are not the cold-heated 'want it all my own way' person that some might enjoy making you out to be.

LuciX

AllForIt wrote: »

You have a baby! and you are expected to take a flight at xmas to spend the day with your mother in-law is some cramped apartment apparently because she has nowhere to go due to her personal circumstances. You are expected to go to all this trouble and in doing so stay away from the rest of your own family. It's funny how noone one seems sympathetic to you having to engage in all that.

Welcome to the real world. Compromise is a word expected from the get go when it comes to multi-cultural marriages.

lainey_d_123

AllForIt wrote: »

OP, I don't agree with the 2 posts that got the most thanks here so far, whatsoever, and I find them them somewhat nasty towards you as well especially the second one.

You have a baby! and you are expected to take a flight at xmas to spend the day with your mother in-law is some cramped apartment apparently because she has nowhere to go due to her personal circumstances. You are expected to go to all this trouble and in doing so stay away from the rest of your own family. It's funny how noone one seems sympathetic to you having to engage in all that. I find xmas to be horrible time to travel and can't imagine doing that with a baby.

For some reason it's unthinkable for Welsh in-law to concede her circumstances yet you get the feeling any trouble you have to go to to satisfy your husband is utterly trivial. And to add insult to injury you are told that 'you don't care' about the situation. You are told - 'you've gotten your way'. I see no evidence whatsoever that the OP is all about 'getting her way' and is not either sympathetic to her husband or his mothers situation. Just because OP didn't given in an take a flight to Wales doesn't mean she's not sympathetic to the situation. She doesn't have to prove she's sympathetic by actually going to Wales.

OP, if you hubby is currently giving you the cold shoulder over this then it is him that is in the wrong not you. You are absolutely right to point the 'circumstances' in all this. Your dead right to. Rather is it is him that comes across unreasonable for 'not getting his way'.

Going forward all I can suggest if you better have it out with him. The idea about worrying about this doesn't bode well for your future relationship, and it's absurd to be worried about future Christmas's. I would say to him that you accept that it's a tricky one and that you are sympathetic to him and his mothers situation but you can't change your own circumstance either. These aren't circumstances of your making, it's not your 'fault', rather they in fact are circumstances of his making and I agree with you, he must take his past decisions into the equation, and accept them. If he's still not happy then he can only be unhappy with his own past decisions rather than the way you have conducted yourself.

BTW, fair play to you for travelling to Wales after xmas. It shows you are not the cold-heated 'want it all my own way' person that some might enjoy making you out to be.

100% agree and am shocked and baffled by most of these responses.

OP, you've just had a baby and it's completely normal to want to be in your own home at Christmas and not lugging a very young baby on a plane in the Christmas rush to visit your mother-in-law. Out of all the people mentioned in your post, you're probably the last person who should have the burden of travel and/or worrying about your mother-in-law's Christmas plans, and yet you're somehow being made out to be unreasonable here.

I think heading over to Wales after Christmas was a more than fair compromise and I have no idea how it's possibly your fault that your MIL spent Christmas alone when she has plenty of people living right there. I mean, give me a break....'couldn't afford taxis'? That's pathetic. Not one of those relatives, not her own partner, can get her a taxi, or come to pick her up for Christmas, and that's somehow your fault? Not one of those people who live within driving distance could go to her because it was 'putting them out' but it's perfectly alright to expect a new mother to go over from Ireland with a baby to stay in a tiny apartment?!

I have no idea what planet most of the other posters are on, but I think you're 100% in the right here, and I wouldn't be entertaining your partner's childish sulking. When you get married and start your own family abroad, it's absolutely not the norm to go home to Mammy for Christmas. I know loads of people in your husband's position and not one of them habitually drags the entire family 'home' every Christmas. Once in a while maybe, yes. It's unfortunate if your MIL spent Christmas alone, but it's absolutely nothing to do with you. If her own rotten family couldn't be bothered to make an effort to include her despite living locally, and she was unable to come to you due to her own work commitments, I fail to see why you should feel the slightest bit of guilt.

meeeeh

AllForIt wrote: »

OP, I don't agree with the 2 posts that got the most thanks here so far, whatsoever, and I find them them somewhat nasty towards you as well especially the second one.

You have a baby! and you are expected to take a flight at xmas to spend the day with your mother in-law is some cramped apartment apparently because she has nowhere to go due to her personal circumstances. You are expected to go to all this trouble and in doing so stay away from the rest of your own family. It's funny how noone one seems sympathetic to you having to engage in all that. I find xmas to be horrible time to travel and can't imagine doing that with a baby.

Oh come on it's not Outer Mongolia they were travelling to. I pretty sure OP is well aware that travel with small children is something you sign for when you marry someone from another country. Our daughter was 8 weeks when she got her first passport. Anyway that has nothing to do with op's post but there is no need to exaggerate an hour long flight.

Those of us who move to another country leave behind families and friends and they miss us. From experience I can tell you they really miss grandchildren. My intention was not to be nasty to op but to point out that you don't suddenly just forget your home and family, even the traditions you had just because you moved country and bought a house there. I was home (yeah I still call it home after 14 years) for Easter last year and I really enjoyed doing with my kids what I would do as a child. And I know how happy it made my mum.

Some Christmases will have to be spent in Wales, mother in law will have to travel to Ireland and some Christmases will be spent with op's family. Relationships are about compromises and frankly it's not that hard to work it out once both sides are not entrenched into their position. Some years Christmas will be less enjoyable for
OP and some years it will be less enjoyable for her husband. All that is much better approached without setting out preconditions where babies first Christmas will be or objections to one bedroom flat.

I don't know why people are saying you shouldn't take a plane for the Xmas but fair play for doing after Xmas? What difference does it make when you get in a plane?
Anyway,
You can drive to Wales, on the ferry, few hours & you are there.
But, yea OP, I think you are being harsh on your other half.
Your mother spends her Xmas at her parents, with her siblings there.
Your other half's mother doesn't have her parents or siblings to go to, she is alone.
If you & your other half stayed in your own house, with your baby for Xmas I would say fair enough, but you didn't, you went to a house full of people which probably added to your other half's feelings if guilt for leaving his mother alone.
You need to be more understanding & learn to compromise.

qwerty13

I dunno Lainey, I don’t think is as simple as you’re saying.

Of course the OP, her partner and child are their primary family unit, but there’s going to be a bit of a case of divided loyalty when it comes to a situation like this. I’d presume the partner feels a bit of guilt re his mother being on her own on Christmas Day - even though it sounds like she could do more about that to help herself, and so could her extended family.

But it also sounds like the OP wants things to be primarily focused not only around their family of 3 (perfectly understandable), but also seems to want her extended family to be a large part of the focus. It’s the latter that I think is coming across as a bit unfair, especially it reads as though she doesn’t mean just this year, it did sound to me as though she wants to justify not being in Wales on Christmas Day any year.

I think compromise is the key. Of course she isn’t heartless, and yes she went to Wales after Christmas. But let’s face it, the 25th is the big day to most people, so I think alternating between Ireland and Wales is ideally what should be done. Presumably her partner would like to see other friends and family too, which is to be expected as he lives here.

I don’t know the mother’s circumstances. Maybe money is so tight that she can’t afford to shell out extra money on coming here at Christmas. Or maybe it’s a case of deciding 6 months in advance and booking cheap flights then.

I just feel that there is a lot more room for discussion and compromise on the OP’s part. She got ‘her Christmas’ this year, and it seems to me as though her partner felt a bit railroaded into that and is still hurt over it (albeit not dealing with it very well). I think it’s only fair to spend Christmas Day in Wales next year - and for the OP to say that soon to her partner

strandroad

qwerty13 wrote: »

But it also sounds like the OP wants things to be primarily focused not only around their family of 3 (perfectly understandable), but also seems to want her extended family to be a large part of the focus. It’s the latter that I think is coming across as a bit unfair, especially it reads as though she doesn’t mean just this year, it did sound to me as though she wants to justify not being in Wales on Christmas Day any year.

I completely agree, that's the crux of the issue in my eyes too.

jlm29

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

100% agree and am shocked and baffled by most of these responses.

OP, you've just had a baby and it's completely normal to want to be in your own home at Christmas and not lugging a very young baby on a plane in the Christmas rush to visit your mother-in-law.

She didn’t “just” have a baby. The baby is 4 months old. It’s absolutely the easiest time to travel with a child. It gets harder as they get older.
They weren’t in their own home for most of it though. They were there for the morning, and then spent the rest of the day with the OPs family. There’s nothing wrong with this, I did the exact same myself. But If my OH had parents, I would fully expect to spend next Christmas with them, even though I prefer to spend it with my mother.

strandroad

OP your post reminds me of when a girl I know was with her Canadian partner for years then when they had a baby she was shocked that he would like to bring the child up bilingual English-French like he was himself. She was of course aware of that fact but since as a couple they always spoke English she never made the connection in her head and she became resentful when she did, trying to dissuade him etc. French (that she didn't speak herself) was somehow a second league language in her head, perhaps she feared being excluded? They did work it out in the end and the child is bilingual. I think she learned some French in the process.

You married a Welsh man and you need to accept that that's where his roots are and now where the granny will be for the baby. You need to learn to share. Plan ahead for next Christmas, perhaps his mother can visit you but if not you can pay for two nights in a hotel over there and have a good time together. Your comments about the flat are more than a little offputting by the way, and perhaps part of the reason why your husband did not appreciate your remarks. And people make Santa work when going to or from Australia!

lainey_d_123

qwerty13 wrote: »

I dunno Lainey, I don’t think is as simple as you’re saying.

Of course the OP, her partner and child are their primary family unit, but there’s going to be a bit of a case of divided loyalty when it comes to a situation like this. I’d presume the partner feels a bit of guilt re his mother being on her own on Christmas Day - even though it sounds like she could do more about that to help herself, and so could her extended family.

But what about all the other people around the mother-in-law? The woman has a partner of her own, as well as other relatives who were perfectly happy to let her spend Christmas alone sitting in a flat, and this is somehow OP's fault?

But it also sounds like the OP wants things to be primarily focused not only around their family of 3 (perfectly understandable), but also seems to want her extended family to be a large part of the focus. It’s the latter that I think is coming across as a bit unfair, especially it reads as though she doesn’t mean just this year, it did sound to me as though she wants to justify not being in Wales on Christmas Day any year.

I don't think it would be unreasonable not to be in Wales on Christmas Day any year. Not in the slightest. My mother is from England and I never once spent a single Christmas there with that side of the family. It would have made no sense to bring all the kids, travelling at such a busy time, all staying in cramped and crowded accommodation. We went at other times, instead. As is normal.

I think compromise is the key. Of course she isn’t heartless, and yes she went to Wales after Christmas. But let’s face it, the 25th is the big day to most people, so I think alternating between Ireland and Wales is ideally what should be done. Presumably her partner would like to see other friends and family too, which is to be expected as he lives here.

I don’t know the mother’s circumstances. Maybe money is so tight that she can’t afford to shell out extra money on coming here at Christmas. Or maybe it’s a case of deciding 6 months in advance and booking cheap flights then.

I just feel that there is a lot more room for discussion and compromise on the OP’s part. She got ‘her Christmas’ this year, and it seems to me as though her partner felt a bit railroaded into that and is still hurt over it (albeit not dealing with it very well). I think it’s only fair to spend Christmas Day in Wales next year - and for the OP to say that soon to her partner

But it makes more sense for OP, her husband and the child to all travel rather than flying the mother over?

If I had just had a baby a few months ago and my husband was acting like a sulky child because I wouldn't go over to Wales with a young baby, to stay in someone else's cramped flat, so that his grown adult of a mother wouldn't be alone, I wouldn't be happy at all.

Why is the mother-in-law more important than OP?

qwerty13

The MIL isn’t more important than the OP. But the OP isn’t more important than the MIL (or her partner) 100% of the time.

That’s why I’m suggesting that a compromise would be good. Maybe not even 50/50. Maybe (as I think someone else said), 1/3 Christmas days in Wales, his mother coming to Dublin, and in her extended family’s house. That way everyone gets what makes them happy on a fair and shared basis.

PS: I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘oh MIL can go to someone else’. I presume she’d like to see her son on Christmas Day some years, and probably her grandchild too. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. What would be unreasonable would be if she insisted on seeing her son and grandchild every Christmas Day.

lainey_d_123

jlm29 wrote: »

She didn’t “just” have a baby. The baby is 4 months old. It’s absolutely the easiest time to travel with a child. It gets harder as they get older.
They weren’t in their own home for most of it though. They were there for the morning, and then spent the rest of the day with the OPs family. There’s nothing wrong with this, I did the exact same myself. But If my OH had parents, I would fully expect to spend next Christmas with them, even though I prefer to spend it with my mother.

For Pete's sake, I'm a childless woman and I don't travel at Christmas because I find it stressful. I can't even imagine dealing with the hormones of a recent pregnancy (yes, 4 months ago is recent), still getting on board with the whole parenting thing and being expected to trek to Wales with a new baby, organise nappies, breastfeeding schedules and whatever else all at peak travel time, all because my partner wanted to see Mammy.

There's a major, major difference between going out locally for one afternoon and having to pack for a flight and bring all the baby stuff, struggle to change the baby in airport toilets/on the plane and whatnot.

The lack of empathy on here for OP is honestly shocking.

qwerty13

I get what you’re saying about this year Lainey. But the OP’s post reads to me as though she doesn’t want to be in Wales on Christmas Day any year. And that is a problem. And comes across as though only what she wants for Christmas Day matters. And that’s not playing fair.

lainey_d_123

qwerty13 wrote: »

I get what you’re saying about this year Lainey. But the OP’s post reads to me as though she doesn’t want to be in Wales on Christmas Day any year. And that is a problem. And comes across as though only what she wants for Christmas Day matters. And that’s not playing fair.

She's concerned that Christmas will be stressful and difficult with 3 adults and a baby staying in a one-bed flat with barely room for a blow-up mattress. Does that sound unreasonable to you? It certainly doesn't to me. She's more than happy for the MIL to fly over to Ireland, but MIL has to work that day every year (not OP's fault). OP is happy to go over after Christmas, but that's not good enough. It sounds like the main issue with spending Christmas day in Wales is the lack of suitable accommodation, which is a very valid concern, as is the expensive and stressful peak time travel.

I just can't get my head around people thinking it's normal and reasonable for an entire family to travel to another country for Christmas or that marrying someone from another country means an obligation to spend Christmas there. I've never experienced any such thing. The norm for everyone I know in this situation is to spend Christmas wherever the family is settled - so in this case, Ireland. And then go over to see the other side of the family when it's feasible, or have grandparents come over the odd time.

I read this as the OP's husband being the one who won't compromise and being horrible because he didn't get his own way. He's batted away all of OP's sensible suggestions and come up with reasons why they wouldn't work.

qwerty13

We’re going to have agree to disagree there Lainey! But I guess hopefully useful for the OP to read views from a few different angles.

I think finances on both sides might influence what is possible, like maybe stay in a hotel in Wales? Or maybe help his mother with money over Christmas so that she’s not alone. I don’t know. (Edit to add: so that she can get taxis to other friends /family on Christmas Day)

But I think it’s worth mentioning that if the OP’s partner has always gone to Wales on 23rd, and been there for Christmas Day, the first year that doesn’t happen (ie this year) is going to be a bit hard on him and his mother.

Purple Mountain

qwerty13 wrote: »

I get what you’re saying about this year Lainey. But the OP’s post reads to me as though she doesn’t want to be in Wales on Christmas Day any year. And that is a problem. And comes across as though only what she wants for Christmas Day matters. And that’s not playing fair.

I can't blame her though.
She would have to sleep in a tiny flat on a blow up bed with her husband and find somewhere for a wriggling toddler to sleep.
Then, their host is going to be in work on boxing day.
It's just not really feasible or comfortable.
Yes, they spent Xmas day at her home place but that was a few hours, they slept in their own house.
The MILs house isn't suitable for a family to pile into for Christmas.
And to the OP, I'd say this.. It sounds like your partner is feeling guilty or something but your MIL sounds like she understands that the set up isn't practical. She can probably see the bigger picture.
I'd see about getting her to come for a few days over the Christmas holidays on future. Why does it have to be Christmas day?
It's only one meal and then the fuss is over and like you said, it's not like she hasn't family there to spend time with, she has her own long term partner after all!
The 3 of you could go over for a few weekends at other times during year and rent a hotel family room nearby or send your partner over on his own some times, he could sleep on the blow up bed.

qwerty13

There’s so many factors in this. It’s never going to be a cut and dried solution that suits everyone:
- it’s ‘tradition’ that the OP’s partner spends 25th with his mother
- the OP wants to continue her family ‘tradition’, ie going to her extended family with her baby
- finances have been named as an issue for his mother

Potential issues the OP hasn’t stated:
- maybe they can’t afford to stay in a hotel in Wales (if they can, that removes the cramped accommodation issue, and really the Santa ‘issue’ is a bit silly)
- unknown what the OP’s mother works at. Could be emergency services, volunteer service that she’s done for years on 26th. I know people who do both, and it would be a wrench for them to not do that, as in they’d feel very bad for letting less fortunate people down, and would be very reluctant to stop doing that
- I don’t know if part of the partner’s disquiet is that he doesn’t get to see extended family & friends much, as he lives here, and that his thing is to do that over Christmas
- is his mother hurt and putting a brave face on things so as not to rock the boat
- it wouldn’t bother me if saw people on any of about 10 dates over Christmas. Not everyone feels like that though. To lots of people, the 25th itself is quite a big deal

I think I’ll bow out now until the OP comes back with more info. Otherwise I’m just speculating.

jlm29

qwerty13 wrote: »

I get what you’re saying about this year Lainey. But the OP’s post reads to me as though she doesn’t want to be in Wales on Christmas Day any year. And that is a problem. And comes across as though only what she wants for Christmas Day matters. And that’s not playing fair.

This. Nobody is saying anyone needs to do something every year. But a lot of people have said that compromise will likely be required by the OP at some point. But the OP’s partner shouldn’t be sulking, and the OP should be able to talk to them about it.

listermint

bubblypop wrote: »

I don't know why people are saying you shouldn't take a plane for the Xmas but fair play for doing after Xmas? What difference does it make when you get in a plane?
Anyway,
You can drive to Wales, on the ferry, few hours & you are there.
But, yea OP, I think you are being harsh on your other half.
Your mother spends her Xmas at her parents, with her siblings there.
Your other half's mother doesn't have her parents or siblings to go to, she is alone.
If you & your other half stayed in your own house, with your baby for Xmas I would say fair enough, but you didn't, you went to a house full of people which probably added to your other half's feelings if guilt for leaving his mother alone.
You need to be more understanding & learn to compromise.

Tbf she's not alone. Just not bothered making arrangements to visit other people with some Stephens day work thrown into the mix. She had other people to see so let's stick to the facts.

listermint

Would love to see all the folks here spending their Christmas in a one bedroom flat on a blow up bed with a new child.

Would absolutely love it.

Then the child becomes a toddler .


Some folks need to get over themselves.


The OPs mother in law needs to arrange Stephens day off and they can pay for a ticket for her to come for Christmas to their home where she will have her own room and a nice comfortable Christmas for all concerned with her grand children.



One bedroom flat with blow up bed. Lol... Come on people

pwurple

Children change everything about Christmas, because in fairness , Christmas day is really for the children. I would not add that stress and hassle of hauling people through airports at that time of year. It's madness. Even that daily mail awful article with stressed out parents being paparazzi'd in an airport is so miserable it would put you off ever flying with kids.

We used to go to alternative set of parents when we got married and as soon as kids came along we stayed put. The families now come to us, or go to other siblings for Xmas. They absolutely hate being pulled away from their santa toys. It is a pure joy to relax in your own home for the day instead.

I really would support the OP wholeheartedly here. What she did here sounds ideal for this age baby. Stay at home with the baby in the morning, and she her relatives later that day. See Welsh granny a few days later.


Your husband is being quite petty about this in my opinion. Why pout? A taxi could hardly be more expensive than a set of flights, send her the money. He mother can work crazy shifts every year but isn't mobile enough to drive?

No, he knew the plan, everything went to plan and he is still miffed. He wanted to inconvenience you and his baby so he could appease his mum. It's nice that he respects his mother, but It's a lack of respect for you. He will need to find a balance. (Which you were trying to do for him). Give him time I think.

JustAThought

Christmas guilt - horrendous.

ok - so the son wants things to remain the same despite him having a wife and a child, his own house AND living in a different country. Nice and sentimental but also utterly delusional.

His mother has family in Wales, And her own partner - also in Wales - so how is she alone for Christmas and how is him guilting his wife over her being alone even a thing?

sounds like the husband wants his traditional Christmas to remain the same or to gift to his child and no matter what inconvenience he puts his wife to,wants to have this. Possibly he feels aggrieved or healous that the OP gets to keep her Christmas and he has to give his up.

I agree with others that planning a move for 3 people with child to a small one bedroom flat is far from ideal. If money is an issue send his mother the ticket and taxi fare to come ‘ here’ for Christmas - but maybe the mother dosn’t want that - and will her partner want to come too - and does the son want this partner in ‘his’ Christmas?

As someone who has to play musical houses and musical beds at Christmas I acknowledge that it both a pleasure and a pain and a tradition that when it is gone leaves a void and nostalgia. But its a far cry from uprooting one or two adults to a little baby particularly for international flights with the 2+ hours pre-check in and travel time to and from the airport - especially where there are not enough beds for any of them and little space free in the flat. Is the OP also expected to travel with a cot, buggy, nappy supplies/ potty etc as well as presents for everyone and her own stuff? And the expense of those flights. c’mon - its not too complex. Maybe the tricky bit is soft soaping the baby child - her husband.

wiggle16

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Justathought

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