Jealous/Envy/past abuse

Needguidance

I just find myself feeling overcome with jealously/envy of a family member who abused me in the past (i was 11/12).
Especially at events i have to go to weddings/confirmations/dinners etc, even tho it was so long ago (i'm 30 now) I can no longer attend any family occasions as i get so jealous of him & how his life has worked out. I've been thru cbt but it hasn't helped alot. It kills me that he is 'mr perfect' to everyone else

ChrissieH

I don't have much advice for you but I am sympathetic, someone close to me was abused by a family member in childhood and the abuser seems to have a great life now, whereas my friend struggles with addictions and low self-esteem, and while they've never admitted to me that they're jealous of this family member, I feel like it MUST be an issue, because I know if it was me, I'd be very resentful that things worked out better for them than for me.

It's really tough. I would suggest though that CBT is not the best way to come to terms with abuse? Maybe I'm being unfair in saying that, but in my experience (I'm a trained, but not currently practising, psychotherapist), CBT is great for things like phobias and behavioural problems, but when it comes to childhood issues, that could really benefit more from a psychodynamic approach, where you discuss your childhood and all the elements that influenced and shaped you into who you are today. Granted, as an abuse survivor, it is not as straightforward as "discovering the real you" that other people would attend therapy for, but given the way you've described how "it kills you that he is Mr. Perfect to everyone else", then it might be worthwhile spending some time talking through the impact his abuse has had on you, so that it might bring your focus back to healing yourself rather than being angry at him. And I don't say that lightly at all, I totally understand that it's a horrific and traumatic process, but it would be great to see you taking steps to build yourself up and to be able to attend events with your confidence high, knowing that you're the healthy one, while he's clearly not - anyone who abuses a child is far from healthy - and at the end of the day, your recovery is what's most important.
And btw, in my experience, the type of angry feelings you describe DO intensify with time - most young people can put on a great front of being ok, and they develop coping mechanisms to get by, so people rarely suspect that anything is amiss, but as the years go by, they tend to become more and more affected by what happened to them. There can be lack of confidence and lack of concentration leading to constant relationship & employment problems, and the coping mechanisms that were useful in childhood can now translate to addiction (self-medicating). Going through life as an abuse survivor can be extremely difficult, so I would really hope that you try to get some professional help - maybe your local Rape Crisis Centre could be of help to you.

The very best wishes to you.

Needguidance

Thank you ChrissieH