Now ye're talking - to a survivor of child abuse

Boards.ie: Niamh

If anyone is affected by the issues in this AMA, you can contact One in Four for help and advice. There are also a range of other helpful services listed here.

Our next guest has successfully convicted his uncle on 42 counts of child sex abuse, including rape. His uncle is serving a 12 year prison sentence at the moment. He waived his right to anonymity in order to have his abuser named publicly. The trial was in 2013 and he was publicly named in 2017. He has given a presentation to 300 people in the Mansion House for the advocacy group One in Four as they helped him through the whole process.

I figure a lot of victims don't like talking about any aspect of it, and many people feel strange and invasive asking a victim about it. I think it would be interesting to field queries from Boardsies.

In 2017 Stephen was a guest on RTÉ Radio 1 with Marian Finucane which you can listen to here.

For more background you can also read this article in the Irish Times from May 2017.

Kevhog1988

All i can think to say is fair play to you for doing this and also i hope your ok

TheValeyard

Im really not sure what question i could ask, but just to say how brave Stephen is for coming forward and stopping his uncles horrendous and sicking behaviour. I can only imagine the trauma this man endured. Well done for having the courage and strength to speak so openly and honestly about what happened to you.

If I were to ask a Q, I suppose it would simply be "How are you doing now and are you okay?"

Kersh

Ah thanks

It took years to finally realise and face it all. But once the strength and maturity rose within me to face it, I faced it head-on with family and friends by my side.

Since the trial, which was horrendous (and not for the reasons most would think) I have just adopted the overall attitude that I cant/wont let the abuse define my life or the things I do, whilst also realising that enormous damage has been done to me.
I think its all to do with the way you see it.

As an example, getting all the convictions was possibly the best day of my life, certainly a triumphant day maybe, so instead of that day even getting into the top 5, I challenged myself and headed off to do Everest Base Camp and Island Peak, climbing to 6000m over nearly 4 weeks, jut to see what difficult really means.

So now, that day in court hearing the verdicts is way down under having kids, getting married, the Himalayan adventure etc.

TheValeyard wrote: »

Im really not sure what question i could ask, but just to say how brave Stephen is for coming forward and stopping his uncles horrendous and sicking behaviour. I can only imagine the trauma this man endured. Well done for having the courage and strength to speak so openly and honestly about what happened to you.

If I were to ask a Q, I suppose it would simply be "How are you doing now and are you okay?"

miamee

I know from reading about other people and even from posts on the site here that something like this often causes a rift in the family. Some people are horrified by what has been done, some people don't want to believe it and some people believe it but would rather it was all brushed under the carpet. Was there anything like that in your family or did you get support from them?

Gloomtastic!

Just read the piece in the Irish Times OP, you are so brave to do this regardless of how it reflects on you - you know what Ireland's like!

I dread to think what happened to the adopted boy. Did you have much contact with him before/after/now?

Do any of your relatives visit your uncle inside? Has there ever been any reason given why he turned out the way he did?

Kersh

Hi,

Total support from first of all my own family, and all of my Mams sisters (my Aunties) and their sons and daughters, across the board.
Most, when they were able to, came to court to support me and my family. The trial was in camera, so no public allowed, and limited others, so One in Four had a support room in the court for us, which was amazing, and afforded a huge amount of privacy.

miamee wrote: »

I know from reading about other people and even from posts on the site here that something like this often causes a rift in the family. Some people are horrified by what has been done, some people don't want to believe it and some people believe it but would rather it was all brushed under the carpet. Was there anything like that in your family or did you get support from them?

Kersh

Hi,

Thank you

The adopted boy stood by him through it all, even laughing over at us on a number of occasions.

No visits from any of his sisters, or nephews/nieces. They all seen him for what he was.

No, no reason given for why he turned out how he did. He was a law Lecturer in DIT and Ive had a few facebook messages from his students telling me how he has referenced in lectures about pedophilia being "normalised" at some point in the future, or words to that effect. They were horrified at the time, but it only dawned on them when they seen his name in the paper.

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Just read the piece in the Irish Times OP, you are so brave to do this regardless of how it reflects on you - you know what Ireland's like!

I dread to think what happened to the adopted boy. Did you have much contact with him before/after/now?

Do any of your relatives visit your uncle inside? Has there ever been any reason given why he turned out the way he did?

Gloomtastic!

Kersh wrote: »

The adopted boy stood by him through it all, even laughing over at us on a number of occasions.

Wasn't expecting that answer at all! Why? :eek:

Kersh

Who knows, he has nothing else I suppose. Inheritance? Sense of attachment, as he was adopted from Romania when he was 5 or so.

Anyone's guess is as good as mine!!

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Wasn't expecting that answer at all! Why? :eek:

somesoldiers

Jesus hadn't heard about this case- it sent a shiver down my spine as I used to study the book in uni and remembered the author's name, fair play Stephen for going through all this and best of luck to you and your family in the future

careless sherpa

I read in the article that he had set up a website from prison to taunt you. Has that ceased? Do you think arbour hill is too easy a place for these offenders? Surely he should not have access to a computer

Kersh

careless sherpa wrote: »

I read in the article that he had set up a website from prison to taunt you. Has that ceased? Do you think arbour hill is too easy a place for these offenders? Surely he should not have access to a computer

Yes he did set up a website, but I havent looked at it, I left it to my wife to sort that out with the Gardai and One in Four.

I would gain absolutely nothing by looking at the lies Im sure it contains.

I look at it like this "I know what happened, and anything he tries to do to wriggle out of it means nothing to me, because I was there, I know"

He has used many points of law in trying to evade conviction first of all during the trial, and also since then with various appeals, all of which so far have failed.

I dont know how it is in prisons, so I cant comment, and I dont know if he has access to computers in there.

vriesmays

Should your uncle's law books still be taught in Irish colleges.

Taiga

I've just read your story there and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your strength is humbling and your kids are lucky to have you as their dad. Thank you for telling your story. It's so important for people to hear and for survivor's of abuse to see they have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Best of love and luck to you and your family.x

Kersh

vriesmays wrote: »

Should your uncle's law books still be taught in Irish colleges.

Quite probably not, but that's someone else's fight!!

Kersh

somesoldiers wrote: »

Jesus hadn't heard about this case- it sent a shiver down my spine as I used to study the book in uni and remembered the author's name, fair play Stephen for going through all this and best of luck to you and your family in the future

Thank you

Kersh

Taiga wrote: »

I've just read your story there and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your strength is humbling and your kids are lucky to have you as their dad. Thank you for telling your story. It's so important for people to hear and for survivor's of abuse to see they have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Best of love and luck to you and your family.x

Thank you so much

Ken.

Hi Stephen, Boards is a pg-13 site. What advice would you give to any 13-18 year old whom may be reading this thread and is being inappropriately touched/abused by someone?.

Kersh

Nosnon wrote: »

Hi Stephen, Boards is a pg-13 site. What advice would you give to any 13-18 year old whom may be reading this thread and is being inappropriately touched/abused by someone?.

Difficult to answer in full, but I can give my thoughts.

Try get out of the situations that put you at risk for a start. If parents send you to a relatives for the weekend, like me, try get out of it.
If its happening at home, leave and go to a friends when the perpetrator comes home. This is the most important step.

The courage you build up in taking these steps may prompt you to tell a friend, and share the burden, which is a start. I didnt tell anyone til after it stopped, so I didnt follow that advice!! But hindsight is a great thing.

The perpetrators tend to choose victims who wont speak up, so gaining the courage to talk to someone will be a breakthrough.

From my own experience, talk to One in Four, they will guide you, and lay out options for you. They are awesome. But this can often be a case of timing. It took me 2 decades to make that call, but the abuse had long stopped by then.

Finally, dont be afraid to tell anyone, dont hide and let it happen. You deserve more than that. You will be believed, and its definitely not your fault that it has happened.

Ill keep running this question through my head and Ill add to it if anything comes to me.

KrakityJones

As a father reading about what you went through makes my blood run cold.

Can I ask if anyone in your family, or any friends had any bit of an inkling that something might be up? I read in the article that a friend of his tried to convince him not to go ahead with adoption. Were there signs that looking back would make it obvious to people that he was an abuser?

It's terrifying to think that you could leave your kids with someone that you, and everyone else trusts and for that to happen. I don't think I'd ever forgive myself for putting my child in that situation. And I am not suggesting for one second that any of your relatives/friends were in any way to blame for this, though I would imagine they feel guilt regardless.

This is impossible to answer I guess but what advice could you give for a parent/family member/friend/whoever on what to look out for, both in your own child that something might be happening, or in a person who could be a potential abuser?

I wish you all the best in future and I have huge respect to you for speaking so openly about it all.

Kersh

KrakityJones wrote: »

As a father reading about what you went through makes my blood run cold.

Can I ask if anyone in your family, or any friends had any bit of an inkling that something might be up? I read in the article that a friend of his tried to convince him not to go ahead with adoption. Were there signs that looking back would make it obvious to people that he was an abuser?

It's terrifying to think that you could leave your kids with someone that you, and everyone else trusts and for that to happen. I don't think I'd ever forgive myself for putting my child in that situation. And I am not suggesting for one second that any of your relatives/friends were in any way to blame for this, though I would imagine they feel guilt regardless.

This is impossible to answer I guess but what advice could you give for a parent/family member/friend/whoever on what to look out for, both in your own child that something might be happening, or in a person who could be a potential abuser?

I wish you all the best in future and I have huge respect to you for speaking so openly about it all.

Thank you

Another difficult one to put context on.

No, no one had a clue!

For my Mam, it was no different than you allowing your kid go to stay with your brother who needed help with the house at any random weekend.

Looking back, Im not even sure there were any markers for them, he was single, a barrister, law lecturer, wrote academic books, looked after their Mam (my Nanny) in his house, adopted a child, nothing really stands out. Maybe nowadays it might ring a bell or two for some.

Obviously it was very tough for my Mam, but as a family unit, we support each other. I wouldnt accept her apologies for allowing me to go up there, its no ones fault but his. He abused trust, and his position as the "successful uncle" of that side of the family.

With regard to the adoption, the child just landed, he told no one in the family. It was a "surprise", so we knew nothing about the guy trying to change his mind, or the fake birth cert stuff until the journalist and gardai went digging in to him.

Veloce

I'm glad you have come through this in the way you have kersh, and fair play relaying your story to everyone - it might help other people who have suffered to come forward.

Random question - but are you still racing cars? Petrolhead asking!

p15574

Fair play to you and your courage in coming through this, and for doing this AMA and all the previous publicity.

Do you think it's odd for someone like him to have remained single for so long? Should that make alarm bells ring? Or did he have (adult) girlfriends/boyfriends throughout his life? I'm trying not to cast aspersions on, say, any mature gay or asexual man who's single, but the reality is that most people do get married or are in (or have been in) a long-term relationship when they get to, say, 40. Should someone not be a little bit suspicious of that before allowing their child to stay over - especially if they say they had to sleep in the same bed? I know hindsight is 20/20 etc though.

And do you think the friend that tried to stop him was remiss in not doing something officially to stop him? How did they know or suspect his predilection?

Kersh

Veloce wrote: »

I'm glad you have come through this in the way you have kersh, and fair play relaying your story to everyone - it might help other people who have suffered to come forward.

Random question - but are you still racing cars? Petrolhead asking!

Yes, thats the thinking behind being open about it. Theres nothing to be shameful of, or to hide.

Only this year I stopped being involved in Motorsport, after over 20 years of racing and engineering cars. I had a good run at it, 4 driving chaminships in 10 full years racing, and engineered/ran 3 other guys to championships, so pretty happy with that

I do still instruct at Mondello along with my wife, who also does. Keeps the eye in, and its a day off from running the businesses :pac:

Kersh

p15574 wrote: »

Fair play to you and your courage in coming through this, and for doing this AMA and all the previous publicity.

Do you think it's odd for someone like him to have remained single for so long? Should that make alarm bells ring? Or did he have (adult) girlfriends/boyfriends throughout his life? I'm trying not to cast aspersions on, say, any mature gay or asexual man who's single, but the reality is that most people do get married or are in (or have been in) a long-term relationship when they get to, say, 40. Should someone not be a little bit suspicious of that before allowing their child to stay over - especially if they say they had to sleep in the same bed? I know hindsight is 20/20 etc though.

And do you think the friend that tried to stop him was remiss in not doing something officially to stop him? How did they know or suspect his predilection?

Thanks,

Im not sure, hindsight, especially from todays societal vanatage point, is a great thing, but given that in the eyes of my mam and her sisters, there were other men around, so maybe that allayed any notions.

Of course, my mam didnt know I was put to bed in his bed, she assumed I was in the spare bedroom.

I think there was a very large element of him maneuvering himself into his position in the family, regarding education, law, lecturing, the books (some of which are dedicated to my mam!!) etc, so that probably worked in his favour with regards suspicion.

Yes, I think the other guy should have reported it, definitely, given he came from his circles as far as I know. I dont know how they came to know each other, but according to what I have heard, he knew my Uncles predilection alright, hence him trying to stop him.

tdf7187

Don't really have a question except to say I got a bit of a shock when I saw the boards.ie name of the poster taking questions in this thread, I don't know you personally but remember your posts on the motoring forum here, a reminder that many CSA survivors are functional and live successful and happy lives. Best wishes.

Kersh

tdf7187 wrote: »

Don't really have a question except to say I got a bit of a shock when I saw the boards.ie name of the poster taking questions in this thread, I don't know you personally but remember your posts on the motoring forum here, a reminder that many CSA survivors are functional and live successful and happy lives. Best wishes.

Thanks

Ah yes I could have gone incognito, but I do just think, why should I!

I am who I am, shaped by my life so far

xzanti

Nothing to add really. Just wanted to say my hat is off to you. I wish you the very best for the future.

Kersh

xzanti wrote: »

Nothing to add really. Just wanted to say my hat is off to you. I wish you the very best for the future.

Thank you

eviltwin

From one survivor to another well done on this thread, I certainly couldn't do it. Continued good health to you and thank you for your honesty and bravery.

Kersh

eviltwin wrote: »

From one survivor to another well done on this thread, I certainly couldn't do it. Continued good health to you and thank you for your honesty and bravery.

Thank you,

Im no more honest or brave than you, or any other survivor, we all lived it.

I think it might be important for survivors to now that you can take it all of the way via statements, DPP, arrests, all of the way to court, and on to conviction.

That said the court process was not what I thought it would be.

volchitsa

Kersh wrote: »

Thank you,

Im no more honest or brave than you, or any other survivor, we all lived it.

I think it might be important for survivors to now that you can take it all of the way via statements, DPP, arrests, all of the way to court, and on to conviction.

That said the court process was not what I thought it would be.

Could you explain this a little - I mean, I can imagine that it's the way the plaintiff/victim gets interrogated as though they were the one on trial, but I'm wondering whether, in hindsight now you can find any positive aspects to the way the trial goes? Or would you think a more investigative, less inquisitorial justice system, more like what they have in Continental Europe would be more bearable for victims?

Kersh

volchitsa wrote: »

Could you explain this a little - I mean, I can imagine that it's the way the plaintiff/victim gets interrogated as though they were the one on trial, but I'm wondering whether, in hindsight now you can find any positive aspects to the way the trial goes? Or would you think a more investigative, less inquisitorial justice system, more like what they have in Continental Europe would be more bearable for victims?

Yes its exactly that. Ill rewind to the start of the process.

So, once the process begins, I thought, great, Ill make him face his crimes, Ill get to put forward what happened, and tell the court everything, and surely, he will be found guilty.

What actually happens is that his side do everything in their power to not let you mention abuse. All they want to do is have you say "I cant remember" repeatedly, as many times as possible, so the barrister can turn to the jury and say "sure he cant remember anything" then follow it up with " I put it to you, that this in fact never happened".

That is where you need the inner strength to say, clearly, as I did, "It did happen, I was there, and he knows it".

I was asked everything from the position of the window, the location of the bedroom, the colour of the walls, the carpet colour, etc etc. some I knew, others I didnt.

Then they ask the same question phrased different ways, to try trip you up. They want you to look flustered, and unsure. Which thankfully, I didnt.

Even when they pulled out evidence that was wrong, I just said, "whats in there is wrong", and I was aware enough to be clear and concise.

Eventually, after 3 days of this, my side stand up and go through my statement, asking what happened. Which lasts a half hour or so, maybe an hour. Thats the only moment you get to illustrate what happened, its very straight to the point, because you cant err from your Garda statement.

Feelings wise, I felt it was me on trial, but then, I am only a state witness, as its the State vs Brian Doolan, not me vs. But that only really occurred to me during the trial, as it all unfolded.

Once its all over, and the jury go out, its a waiting game, kind of like the worst ever Leaving Cert post mortem that goes on for days.

What if, what about, and remember when it was said... endless questions !!

What made it worse was the judge allowed the jury home for a bank holiday weekend, to return on a Tuesday to continue deliberating. One of the legal teams asked would Monday be better to which he joked "Ill be on my yacht, Tuesday it is"

What didnt help, I thought in my case was that when the guilty verdicts came in, at sentencing, the judge actually said "now Mr Doolan, the best I can do for you is 12 years with 2 suspended", which garnered a few wry looks from my legal team and the Gardai. He could have used better language in my opinion.

The high points if you can call it that, was facing him in court, letting him know I was ready. Also, reading out my victim impact statement myself, directly to him was also quite good, and in my reading it, I remembered my 13 year old self, and acknowledged him a lot internally. That I did it for him, and anyone else that never made it to court to face their abuser.

Im sure the judge could have been a bit more, whats the word, aware of the damage done to victims of abuse, especially after the verdict was already in.

If all that makes sense!!

volchitsa

It does (make sense). Thanks for that.

I do always wonder when I read about children especially, if the oppositional nature of the Irish and English justice isn't unnecessarily traumatic compared to the European approach, but TBH I have no experience of either system really, it just seems logical to me.

(And I also know of someone else who had a similar experience, she was attacked while out jogging in a park, and the defence seemed to think that if she couldn't identify which tree the attack happened under, then that would discredit her case - like WTF is the point? In her case the jury didn't believe it either. So I just can't see why they have recourse to it, it seems like deliberately attacking the victim just to traumatise them further.)

Gloomtastic!

Kersh wrote: »

What didnt help, I thought in my case was that when the guilty verdicts came in, at sentencing, the judge actually said "now Mr Doolan, the best I can do for you is 12 years with 2 suspended", which garnered a few wry looks from my legal team and the Gardai. He could have used better language in my opinion.

:eek:

CosmicFool

I'm sure you've been asked a million times but do you think 12 years with 2 suspended was enough or just knowing he was found guilty enough or does it matter to you now?

I can't get over the statement from the Judge when sentencing him. It's just shocking. Do you think Judges are too lenient or is it the Law that is too lenient and needs reforming?

cloudatlas

I don't think this is the best space for you Stephen. I don't know if you are aware but there is a forum on here called After hours which attacks and pulls apart news reports of rape trials and speak in very derogatory terms about victims and their experiences, this forum is a staple on boards and these conversations are very much encouraged and promoted by the site. In light of that why have you chosen to do a Q&A on this site?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

How do you feel about the abuser being able to retain their anonymity in the press if their victim insists on maintaining theirs? I understand that sometimes the accused isn’t named to protect the victim, but should it not be the victims choice, only following a guilty verdict of course.

Taiga

That judge, what a bastard. I can't put it eloquently. Scary to read that. Disgraceful.

trout

I just want to applaud your courage, and dignity and strength of character.

Sunlight really is the best disinfectant ... taking the stand you took, going public, the convictions, the subsequent advocacy, all of it ... truly admirable.

You are absolutely right in being so honest and open; you have done nothing wrong and you have nothing at all to hide.

My only hope is that by waiving anonymity and "owning" this shocking abuse, you will make it so much harder for future abusers to hide in the shadows.

*tips hat*

somesoldiers

I guess these guys must be the evilest of human beings there is, doing that to a child, using his knowledge of the law to try and get away with it, the harassment post conviction....vile

We had a cousin of my Dads who was convicted for molesting his daughter, maybe 20 years ago. She went public at the time.
The one morsel of respect anyone could have left for him is that he pleaded guilty and spared her the ordeal

S.L.F

I have a friend from Donegal who also suffered at the hands of his uncle. It has really made his life difficult to live especially when it was his mother who used to bring him to be abused knowing exactly what was happening. Last time I saw him he was living with a woman and their child.


God's love to you and I hope you have healed from what you went through.

Kersh

CosmicFool wrote: »

I'm sure you've been asked a million times but do you think 12 years with 2 suspended was enough or just knowing he was found guilty enough or does it matter to you now?

I can't get over the statement from the Judge when sentencing him. It's just shocking. Do you think Judges are too lenient or is it the Law that is too lenient and needs reforming?

Its never enough is it? I can look at it a few ways.

I was one of the lucky ones to make it all of the way, so anything was a bonus, or I can be unhappy that nothing will ever be enough.

But I think I took the point with me, that I did get a pretty decent sentence, all things considered.

Kersh

cloudatlas wrote: »

I don't think this is the best space for you Stephen. I don't know if you are aware but there is a forum on here called After hours which attacks and pulls apart news reports of rape trials and speak in very derogatory terms about victims and their experiences, this forum is a staple on boards and these conversations are very much encouraged and promoted by the site. In light of that why have you chosen to do a Q&A on this site?

If I approached life like that I would have sat on my hands forever and never faced it. Nothing is ever perfect.

Ive been on here a long time, and frequent a few of the forums, mainly Business, Cars and Astronomy, so Im well aware what Boards can be like. I stick to the topics that interest me.

If I didnt like the site, I wouldnt be on it. Im doing this AMA because I thought some people might have some questions.

Kersh

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy wrote: »

How do you feel about the abuser being able to retain their anonymity in the press if their victim insists on maintaining theirs? I understand that sometimes the accused isn’t named to protect the victim, but should it not be the victims choice, only following a guilty verdict of course.

I think unfortnately in most cases, there can always be a link drawn if a victim remained anonymous and an abuser was named, as a lot of buse is within a family.

However in the cases where there is no link, such as unrelated abuser/victim, I dont see why the abuser cant be named and the victim remain anonymous.

Kersh

trout wrote: »

I just want to applaud your courage, and dignity and strength of character.

Sunlight really is the best disinfectant ... taking the stand you took, going public, the convictions, the subsequent advocacy, all of it ... truly admirable.

You are absolutely right in being so honest and open; you have done nothing wrong and you have nothing at all to hide.

My only hope is that by waiving anonymity and "owning" this shocking abuse, you will make it so much harder for future abusers to hide in the shadows.

*tips hat*

Thanks you, I figure if I shout loud enough, some victims will gain strength

Trojan

No questions, just another shout out to say fair play to you for your bravery, it's admirable how you've handled this adversity.

Chapeau.

Kersh

Trojan wrote: »

No questions, just another shout out to say fair play to you for your bravery, it's admirable how you've handled this adversity.

Chapeau.

Thank you

MetzgerMeister

It churned my blood to read that the judge said "Now Mr Doolan, the best I can do for you is 12 years". I swear to God if I was in your position I would have stood up and let loose at the judge. This man is after being convicted of 38 counts of rape and abuse and he's treating him like a friend? Fvck that.

Fair play to you Kersh for coming through it and doing this AMA.

HildaOgdenx

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

It churned my blood to read that the judge said "Now Mr Doolan, the best I can do for you is 12 years".I swear to God if I was in your position I would have stood up and let loose at the judge. This man is after being convicted of 38 counts of rape and abuse and he's treating him like a friend? Fvck that.

Fair play to you Kersh for coming through it and doing this AMA.

+1.
I wish that had been publicised widely at the time and that he was put through the wringer for that despicable comment.

I read in a recent case where a little girl asked her mam was she the one in the wrong after her abuser was convicted because a lot of the wider family sided with the abuser, and no longer spoke to her or her parents. Heartbreaking.

Fair play to you OP, for coming through all of this and thanks for doing the AMA.