Lonely, nothing meaningful

LegacyUser

Sorry for long post but I have too much time to think
I am 23 and have a problem that is really impacting my life.

Growing up my mam always had some issues surrounding herself - mental health, eating disorder, very paranoid - and this obviously rubbed off on my siblings and I. I would say we were outwardly a very normal family (because this is how she made sure it appeared) but my mam would do weird things and nobody was ever allowed to come to the house. The biggest thing was 'trusting people' - you can't trust anyone, don't tell anyone anything it will come back to bite you, don't tell the girls in school anything. There was lots of other things, like on week days you should 'choose between lunch and dinner' if you didn't exercise because both is too much calories.

Now I am 23 and I honestly have never had a meaningful or deep relationship with anyone. I am so SO lonely and feel a million miles away from everyone. I am not shy or withdrawn, I do 'have friends' and know a lot of people and go out regularly but I can't get past a certain barrier. The past few years have gone like this:

- finished secondary school, stopped speaking to everyone and moved city for college
- 3rd year in college, did a year of Erasmus and stopped speaking to every one I knew in 1st/2nd year
- Left erasmus and stopped speaking to everyone i met over there, made new friends back in original college
- Left city of my undergrad and stopped speaking to everyone there, doing my masters now and working, with yet another set of friends

These were all nice people and I didn't 'stop speaking' in the sense I cut them off cold turkey, I just make no active effort to chat or visit or maintain a relationship. You will probably say 'just do this' and I don't know how to explain why I can't.

I yearn for a romantic relationship but a) cannot form a deep bond with anyone and b) do not think I'm worthy of a relationship because i have this big issue. I know it's dramatic but I think my mam definitely never made any bond with me from birth and I think this has impacted my whole life and I don't know how to change it. For example she never hugged us or really smiled, there are no pictures of us growing up and I wouldn't consider her to really know anything about me, like my favourite things or opinions on different issues. She is simply not interested.

Do I need therapy? I don't have much money and don't know if it would work. I don't want to accept that this is how I am as a person as I don't feel this is a life worth living right now.

flowerchild

I am sorry for your experience and the loss you continue to feel.

Only you know if you need therapy. Can you talk it over with your GP? Some of the best people work in free services.

But if you want to change your feelings and experiences then research says that Journalling has a very positive impact. As does changing how you talk with yourself about yourself. Say to yourself what you would have wanted your mum to say. Say to yourself what you want an employer or potential employer to say. Be kind to yourself. Be loving to yourself. And you will be amazed at the impact.

Marisa Peer has some terrific free videos and hypnotic sessions on YouTube. It might be worth checking those out.

ILoveYourVibes

Op you have my sympathy.

But there might be a reason why people avoid you. Generally people who are mistrustful come off as very intimidating.

You might not realize but you probably come off as a very intimidating presence.

That's something you will have to find out how to overcome. Maybe with therapy but in my experience people who go to therapy have to come up with 80% of the solution themselves.

antix80

Everyone benefits from therapy.

I think you need to ask what gives your life meaning. Your pursuit of that will bring you in contact with people. Are you doing your courses because you love studying , or is it to get a job? Are you working because you're interesred in the work, or because you need the money?

If you're waiting for everything to be perfect in life before trying to establish relationships you'll find you'll end up very lonely.

Upforthematch

Great advice above.

Just to add, you're 23! So so young. (Sorry, but it's true!!)

Do something you find fun. Go travel, go study, go volunteering. You will meet amazing people and when you're at your best I'd bet they'll find you amazing too!