Friends with Benefits: Any rules?

Honeydew3456

Hey guys, this might be a stupid question but am hoping to get some of your opinons on this. I was wondering....do you think there is any form of equitte/rules/expectations when it comes to a FWB situation?

The reason I ask is a current FWB (since early this year) never texts in between hooks ups. Only texts a week or so before free time to see if I can meet up and vice versa. When we meet in person we get on amazing, tons of sexual chemistry, have a laugh and then that's it for a number of weeks.

I guess I have been used to having fun, flirty texts between hook ups with other FWB and I LOVED it. Admittedly, those burned out after a few months.

So I am thinking maybe the key to longetivity in these is to keep chatting to a minimum until meeting in person?

I don't know why this came to mind for me as I am 1 million percent not looking for any form of relationship. Neither is he. Without being dramatic but the thoughts of being in one would kill me. I spent a long, long time with the one guy and am loving the single life and me time, in all aspects, right now.

Do you think there are any expectations/rules allowed with this or is it a case of 'it is what it is' and just go with the flow without over thinking it?

Really appreciate any feedback or insight on this and honestly I don't have any feelings for him, am too hurt from the past to develop those for anyone for a few years yet but god damn it, it would be nice to get a text lol

Thanks!!

Merkin

Have you thought about texting him?

pwurple

How are you friends here?

Sounds like benefits with no friendship.

lawred2

Honeydew3456 wrote: »

Hey guys, this might be a stupid question but am hoping to get some of your opinons on this. I was wondering....do you think there is any form of equitte/rules/expectations when it comes to a FWB situation?

The reason I ask is a current FWB (since early this year) never texts in between hooks ups. Only texts a week or so before free time to see if I can meet up and vice versa. When we meet in person we get on amazing, tons of sexual chemistry, have a laugh and then that's it for a number of weeks.

I guess I have been used to having fun, flirty texts between hook ups with other FWB and I LOVED it. Admittedly, those burned out after a few months.

So I am thinking maybe the key to longetivity in these is to keep chatting to a minimum until meeting in person?

I don't know why this came to mind for me as I am 1 million percent not looking for any form of relationship. Neither is he. Without being dramatic but the thoughts of being in one would kill me. I spent a long, long time with the one guy and am loving the single life and me time, in all aspects, right now.

Do you think there are any expectations/rules allowed with this or is it a case of 'it is what it is' and just go with the flow without over thinking it?

Really appreciate any feedback or insight on this and honestly I don't have any feelings for him, am too hurt from the past to develop those for anyone for a few years yet but god damn it, it would be nice to get a text lol

Thanks!!

You're a booty call not a friend.

What bit of any of what you've written above demonstrates any sort of friendship?

tea and coffee

Doesn't sound like you're getting anything out of it. He texts when he wants sex , you don't get to decide.
The very fact that you say "a text would be nice" and then try and dismiss it with lol seems to me that, actually, you do like a bit of affection and caring (even if that is in the manner of flirty texts). And what's wrong with that? We are all human.
Sounds to me like you have a lot of healing to do and this guy is using you, using the fact that you're wounded to make no effort whatsoever.

Augme

OP you are in a **** buddy situation, not a friend's with benefits one. You need to decide if you are happy to continue as is or not. I personally have never any interest in flirty texts in between hook ups so don't bother with them and chances are this guy won't change his mind if you mention it.

tara73

I think you contradict yourself here, saying you don't want a relationship at all but waiting for this guy to text you. why? obviously you are looking for someone who cares for you, so I think you deceive yourself when saying you want to be single.

I think you should stop this fbw connections, it's obviously doing you no good.

And I think you are still in the process of getting over your last relationship as you said yourself, so my advice is to stay really single and start looking for a real, loving partner when you feel ready but leave the f*** buddy relationship aside because that's what it is, as others pointed out already. But I would also leave out supposedly fwb relationships.

zapper55

Op you are no way in the headspace for a fwb. Stop doing this it's just stopping you healing.

Also as the others said its not even a fwb it's just a hook up.

bottlebrush

What would be the purpose of a text in between? To make you feel more wanted, more desired? Although you say you both don't want a relationship are you sure you don't want a relationship? A friendship Is by it's very nature a relationship. Do you think this can go on indefinitely because chances are that he is out there simultaneously looking to meet 'the one' and when he does you will be promptly dropped and feeling hard done by again.
OP you need to have a hard look at your self esteem. Your levels of confidence shouldn't be measured by whether or not a guy texts you between hook ups for sex.

splinter65

Please stop pretending to yourself that he is your friend because he’s not.
He’s a man who has found a woman who will have sex with him at quite short notice and he doesn’t have to hear from her from one sexual intercourse to another. He can have sex with as many other people as he likes in the meantime with no issues.
And he doesn’t have to pay.
You’re self esteem is in the gutter and you don’t even know it. I suppose this is modern life. You can keep it. I’m glad I’m old.

uptherebels

splinter65 wrote: »

I suppose this is modern life. You can keep it. I’m glad I’m old.

Blinkered view as always

antix80

Op, seems like what you're looking for is a watered-down relationship where you get some of the benefits or a relationship without being in one.

Even if you got texts from him, there'd be a good chance it would just be to keep you sweet rather than friendship or affection. If that's what you mean by rules - mandatory mid-week texts- I feel sorry for you.

I'd suggest you ditch him and find a nice but busy guy on the same page as you... Looking for an exclusive but not serious relationship but a nice date once a week and the odd text.

If you want to be promiscuous or remain fwb with guys who sleep around, your current situation is probably as good as it gets.

Honeydew3456

Thanks guys, really great opinions here!

Tea and coffee you hit the nail on the head with that post.

Splinter65 I appreciate your opinion but if you knew me you would see that my self esteem is sky high. I am a confident, outgoing person. The opposite of needy. The mention of the odd mid week text was just for fun between us and not to make me feel better about myself (I don't need someone else to do that) but I guess just to show some what of an effort also.

Antix80 you are so wise but honestly no need to feel sorry for me!! Everything you said resonated with me though. Scr*w it I am going to ditch it. As it happens I have a dinner date this week with the guy you describe.. really lovely, who has a busy life also but is such a gent and makes time

Tara73 I have often thought I am a complete contradiction too. Soo bloody complex without realising it urgh!

My mind is made up now. I will be drawing a line under that situation now. No point it in tbh. Your right. It's not even a friendship it's a nothingness.

splinter65

uptherebels wrote: »

Blinkered view as always

Providing sexual services to a man who doesn’t like you enough to communicate with you in between sex sessions is not my idea of a “friendship”.
How does this make me blinkered?

uptherebels

splinter65 wrote: »

Providing sexual services to a man who doesn’t like you enough to communicate with you in between sex sessions is not my idea of a “friendship”.
How does this make me blinkered?

That you believe this situation is somehow as a result of "modern life" is baffling. Unless of course you were referring to the use of texts........

Honeydew3456

Guess what splinter65...he is also providing sexual services to me too and has actually has proved he likes me a hell of a lot ...wink wink. But life isn't black and white and those little grey areas make us pause and ask questions like the one I did. It's not life threatening though. All will be fine in the end.

Shocking isn't it. It's a horrible world we live in. Consenting adults actually having sex with eachother and sometimes not even being arsed to text eachother.

Wish I lived in different times..seems so romantic and sweet back then...sigh. I blame smartphones for turning me into a hoiligan!!

Segotias

Definitely doesn't sound like a friendship to me, in my opinion/experience a FWB situation still maintains the friendship side that existed before the hook ups started. So if you spoke to this person or met up on a regular basis before then this should continue and the hook ups arranged as suits.

You haven't mentioned what kind of relationship you had with him before this just that it wasn't the same as previous FWB. What kind of friendship was it

Its important to establish rules when starting a FWB situation, its it friends who hook up and continue on with their friendship or is it a booty call scenario with little communication in between. Either is fine you just have to clarify and go with what suits you

Honeydew3456

Segotias wrote: »

Its important to establish rules when starting a FWB situation, its it friends who hook up and continue on with their friendship or is it a booty call scenario with little communication in between. Either is fine you just have to clarify and go with what suits you

Yes that's definitely what was missing here. I regret nothing but feel I have got tired of it and am happy to leave it now.

It's great to get clarity on these things from other peoples opinions. Thanks boardsies!!

splinter65

uptherebels wrote: »

That you believe this situation is somehow as a result of "modern life" is baffling. Unless of course you were referring to the use of texts........

How is it baffling? When I was on the dating scene 30 years ago if you let a guy treat you like this then all your friends would nag you to death over being a doormat and you might end up being ostracized from your social group if you didn’t cop yourself on.
Now if your being treated like this you have to come on boards to find out if your feelings of self loathing are justified because it appears to be accepted that it’s par for the course in our wonderful progressive of freedom of choice.

Honeydew3456

Ah splinter65 stop please. Omg. Let me assure you I have no feelings of self loathing. None at all. Wow.

As for the doormat comment. Hmmm I know zero women, who own their sexuality, that consider themselves doormats. Some women I know are bigger players that some men.

I think your experiences might not fit into this discussion or contribute constructively. I also think you could agree on that point too.

Before this goes off topic and the likes of splinter feels they need to get personal amd attacking can I ask the mods to please close.

Everyone else...thanks again!

cj maxx

Honeydew3456 wrote: »

Ah splinter65 stop please. Omg. Let me assure you I have no feelings of self loathing. None at all. Wow.

As for the doormat comment. Hmmm I know zero women, who own their sexuality, that consider themselves doormats. Some women I know are bigger players that some men.

I think your experiences might not fit into this discussion or contribute constructively. I also think you could agree on that point too.

Before this goes off topic and the likes of splinter feels they need to get personal amd attacking can I ask the mods to please close.

Everyone else...thanks again!

Honeydew you may not think of yourself as a doormat but I would suggest that your 'friend' certainly sees you as one

Honeydew3456

cjmc wrote: »

Honeydew you may not think of yourself as a doormat but I would suggest that your 'friend' certainly sees you as one[/quote]

Suggestion noted and disgarded.

Furryglove

Sounds like a mutual agreement in safe physical fun which is healthy, however feelings do tend to creep into the occasion 🀔

woodchuck

Mod note:

I'll close this now as per the OPs request.