Family troubles

stayback

I’ll try and explain this as simple as possible..

I posted here before about my siblings but can’t find it.

So basically I have 2 brothers I am the oldest.

I’m early 40’s own house (well mortgaged) Moved out of home as soon as I had my deposit saved up so out of home about 13 years. Lucky enough not in negative equity parents gave me circa 5k when I moved in.

I have another brother late 30’s who has always lived at home never contributed anything to the household in my parents house. He has good job and well qualified. No outgoings besides his car and gym.

And the youngest is early 30’s very well qualifies and living up the country renting as he is only qualified. He decided to go back to college for the second time after having a degree already. Now to be fair he has a pretty good job and for the majority of the time in college (second time round )he funded himself.

The issue is my parents are early 70’s and are retiring from their family business.. i have been trying to get them to retire for the last number of years but they wouldn’t listen to me. They had a pub and to be honest my parents worked it all themselves no staff we all worked there. The middle brother has given them money to keep it going over the last number of years.

Anyway last Friday I was told they are giving the building to my 2 brothers for 50k so they can develop it in time. The building itself is worth circa 150k but it has been up for sale and no bids. The reason for that is that my father didn’t want to sell it. Didn’t put much effort in selling it.. I have running around the last 2 weeks trying to sort things so the business could close without any drama

Now I have my own life and family child only 6 months old and don’t really care about the money what’s getting to me is that my parents decided to do this without any conversation just told me this was happening. I worked in the pub since I big enough too never got paid and never looked to get paid. Other 2 brothers done very little grown up.

Am I overreacting. I thought I’d calm down over the weekend but it’s worse I got..

Xterminator

Hi OP

I've seen families torn apart by money issues like this.

My take on the situation is its your parents money to do with what they want. So they have the right to do this if they choose. But it doesn't sound like you are getting treated equally. And that's probably why you feel upset.

What would you like to happen, do you think they should consult you on the plans they have or do they just get to inform you?

As the oldest is it possible they think you are better set in life than your brothers? That perhaps they need more help then you do? I'd suspect that figures into their thinking. They are not obliged to split everything equally.

so perhaps you can sit your parents down and tell them you are feeling a little hurt, and get these feeling off your chest.

stayback

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

I've seen families torn apart by money issues like this.

My take on the situation is its your parents money to do with what they want. So they have the right to do this if they choose. But it doesn't sound like you are getting treated equally. And that's probably why you feel upset.

What would you like to happen, do you think they should consult you on the plans they have or do they just get to inform you?

As the oldest is it possible they think you are better set in life than your brothers? That perhaps they need more help then you do? I'd suspect that figures into their thinking. They are not obliged to split everything equally.

so perhaps you can sit your parents down and tell them you are feeling a little hurt, and get these feeling off your chest.

Thanks for your reply .. you are right I couldn’t care if they gave it to them for nothing but the fact that there wasn’t even a conversation about it.. it was just done and that’s it.

I’ll sit down with them and just tell them how I feel ..

antix80

You wanted your folks to retire. After making sure their kids all turned out ok, that building was their purpose in life and all the good and bad that came with it. They probably saw you as not interested in the pub/building precisely due to conversations like trying to get them to retire - whereas your other bros obviously had different conversations with them over the years. I think that's what it comes down to. You and your parents weren't on the same page, the building is their legacy, they're happy with the decision they've made.

Your 2 brothers are happy too..

and you, well you have your house, life, family.. aren't you happy?

I don't know your parents financial situation. I'm guessing they can't afford to give you the €50k proceeds. But - given that the building is worth €150k (why didn't you offer to buy it at a discount!) and there are three of you, it would seem fair that they give you that money. Why don't you ask for it?

strandroad

stayback wrote: »

Thanks for your reply .. you are right I couldn’t care if they gave it to them for nothing but the fact that there wasn’t even a conversation about it.. it was just done and that’s it.

I’ll sit down with them and just tell them how I feel ..

Good approach OP.
It must feel very unfair and you can simply say that you were disappointed to hear about the different treatment the three of you received and you would like to know the reason why.

isohon

I don't think you are overreacting at all to be honest. You've laid out the facts and acknowledged that you are not in need of the money, it does come across as though the only real issue is that you were sort of removed from the entire conversation. It was bad form. I'd echo what others have said though, these things can get intense pretty quickly and easily, so I would make sure that you are feeling completely cool and collected before attempting to discuss with your parents/siblings. Be very precise and deliberate in what you say.

ManOfMystery

On the face of it, it does seem unfair (particularly if you all have equally good relationships) that you appear to have been left out of this.

However, I'd caution against flying off the handle until you have a conversation with them - in a civilised way - about why you weren't included. A friend of mine was in a very similar scenario and only found out after the fact that he wasn't being offered some family land along with his siblings because a larger provision had been made for him in the will down the line.

I certainly think a conversation is worth having, just for your own clarification and understanding, but as said above - your family relationships should be more important than money and material wealth, so even if you don't get an answer that you like from them, try and rise above it. Too many families are torn apart over inheritances and land and it's often down to perceptions and misconceptions about they feel they should be getting. Sometimes its simpler for families when the parents have nothing to leave them.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

I'm going to guess that your parents possibly see you as sorted and established in your life, you didn't mention career but presumably as you encouraged them to retire/sell you had no intent to get involved in the business.

If it's woth 150k and they are purchasing it for 50k (each??) then perhaps there's an inheritance there for you and the innocence and fairness of the plan for all 3 of you had them fail to realise some communication was necessary.

Without causing a row which on the surface is not about money, there's no harm in enquiring in to the details and how your folks landed on the decision that was made. Maybe even suggest that you understand it's their call but feel a bit left out as you are a family of 5 and all other members seem to have been involved in the discussion.

Your brothers may have even made the proposal to your folks who just wanted an out.

The worst thing you can do is draw your own conclusions without all the facts

beauf

stayback wrote: »

..... I have running around the last 2 weeks trying to sort things so the business could close without any drama

..... I worked in the pub since I big enough too never got paid and never looked to get paid. Other 2 brothers done very little grown up.

Am I overreacting. I thought I’d calm down over the weekend but it’s worse I got..

I know exactly how you feel. Its that's there's been no acknowledgment of your contribution over many years which was demanding on you.
But others who have done far less and not really put themselves out at all are getting effectively a massive thank you.
It feels like a massive put down.
You'd have to tell them it feels like you've been excluded and completely unappreciated.
I'd also pull back. Because all concerned will continue to ignore your contribution until it's been withdrawn.

You don't have to make a big deal of it.

Xterminator

do some posters here think the child who does the most for their parents should get the lion's share of inheritance? i recommend you read king lear sometime.

Any inheritance should be divided as the parents see fit. Its not a right, its a gift. And it doesn't have to reflect the contribution the child made.

Where I grew up the older siblings would have helped raise the younger ones, would have put money in the family coffers when working before they moved out - or in the OPs case worked in the family business without a wage! The younger siblings would have had things 'easy' by certain measures. this doesn't mean that the inheritance needs to be split along the lines of how much help they have been. in fact in a lot of families the youngest children get well looked after because the older siblings are more financially stable!

I think OP should discuss her feelings with parents because they are hurt, and parents can explain their logic to their eldest child. But i don't suggest OP is seeking, or should seek to change parents will to give her a bigger share. OP has never suggested that is their goal in this scenario.

To understand where the parents are coming from will probably be a good start here.

beauf

Acknowledgment of contribution, and involvement could be simply thanking the person, and explaining the plan. Thats just manners. Doesn't have to be any inheritance involved at all.

Ignoring them risks them being alienated. But then Parents are perfectly free to alienate any of their children. But it is likely to have long lasting repercussions.

beauf

Xterminator wrote: »

....in fact in a lot of families the youngest children get well looked after because the older siblings are more financially stable!....

.. or spoilt.

Bobtheman

You are fully entitled to tell them how you feel but you must be clear what you want. Do you honestly not want a share? Honestly? You got to look deeply at the issue before you respond. If you do feel entitled to a share-say so-now.