Jokes Bag

MonkieSocks

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.



Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon…

‘get off’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’

MonkieSocks

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know?

What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."

MonkieSocks

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.

She said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."

A little girl raises her hand, saying, "I had a kitty who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.


"Well," she began,

"I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary!"

The little girl said, "It sure was.

My kitty arched her back, went 'Sssss, Ssss, Sssss' and before she could say shlt the Rottweiler ate her!"

Worztron

There's no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there's no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Sam Russell

An instructor, teaching technical writers, said that the use of 'get' should always be avoided because it is an ugly construct. He advised that in all cases the use of 'obtain' will work and be better.

A voice from the back of the class could be heard saying - 'Obtain stuffed'.