3 year old acting up with me (mom)

Ciarrai76

Since our little boy turned 3 (in July), he has really changed and knows what he wants & doesn't want etc. He's well able to talk and understand. He's a great little boy, very bright and funny, but has become a lot harder to try to discipline and when he's with us both, he acts up for me (mom) and runs to daddy. He can be quite aggressive with me, smacking me in the face/head, pinching my skin and screams at me. He will not do anything for me, and generally does not listen to me. I get more stressed about it than my husband, which obviously doesn't help, but it is hard to deal with, especially in public. He doesn't listen to 'time outs' or the 'naughty step' etc. he just doesn't do it for us.

He's pretty good when we are on our own together. I don't have the outbursts, or at least a lot less and he isn't aggressive. I have one full day at home with him during the week and he is in pre-school the other 4. As soon as daddy is home he becomes quite difficult. He's also very good in pre-school, he's always been great for them since he started in the same childcare centre when he was 10 months, and they always have great things to say about him.

I know 3 year olds can be tough, it is tough, but I just wish he wouldn't turn on me so much. It is starting to get me down a lot. That and it causes friction with my husband and I.

Abba987

Id come down on him like a ton of bricks and make sure daddy does too. Zero tolerance . They soon learn whats not acceptable.
Obviously if youre suspecting other issues talk to your gp but if its a 3 year old pushing boundaries heap on the positive praise and no tolerance for hitting etc

Abba987

I dont even bother with naughty step. Its just 100 percent not acceptable. We are not going any further. You wont have to do it much to get a message across

But the husband would be treated the same if hes not on board with you not being treated badly by a child

shesty

Positive praise but no means no.Daddy doesn't get to say yes when you say no.Block his hands, put him down, tell him you can't let him do that when he is hitting etc.

Honestly I find it to be a lousy age, you have to hold really strong boundaries and not give them an inch.And first time for everything-come the first time his name is called, stop the first time you tell him to stop...not the 10th or 20th.

Jurgen The German

Abba987 wrote: »

Id come down on him like a ton of bricks

He's a three year old, not a hardened criminal.

Op, ur 26 month old has been acting out a bit, hitting, being a bit difficult, being rough with his little sister etc. What we find works is when he is acting out we get down on his level, either on our hunkers or by picking him up and asking what's wrong. If he slaps out we gently but firmly hold his arms and tell him about gentle hands and that we dont hit people in this house. More often than not when a toddler is acting out its because they cant Express what they are feeling. I know its difficult as they are adept at getting on ones last nerve but you and your husband are the adults. As said above, lots of positive reinforcement and if he is acting up try distraction, if at home say let's play with a favourite toy or if ye are out tell him ye will do some activity he enjoys when ye get home.

oLoonatic

Abba is talking through their hole there, not sure what a ton of bricks means but im sure tusla would strongly advise against anything that aggressive towards a small child.

your 3 year old is developing in alot of different ways at the moment, its something we as adults find it very hard to understand how exactly they are feeling. Positive re inforcement is the best way but the most difficult part is consistency. I have 2 boys, the older of which has ADHD. So i know just how tough they can be at the age. Speak with medical professionals, there is a course called parents plus they will more than likely adivse you do first. Make sure you know what supports are available to you. And best of luck.

paddylonglegs

This sounds like a mirror with what we’re goimg through with our 3 year old (4 in December)

As other people have said it’s the consistency which is hard to keep - having a 6 year old and a 6 month old, the attention can’t be given fully to one child.

I will try the positive reinforcement more though, probably lacking the awareness of that.

The other thought might be to buy toys that has the use more of their hands, play doh, kinetic sand, stretch Armstrong. It could help them direct their energy and focus

shesty

I should add to what I said earlier - that stopping or coming the first time will mean you probably have to stop what you're doing and enforce what you are saying, ie move him gently to where you want to go, or go stop him doing whatever it is, but do it a few times and the message will get through.

Ciarrai76

Thanks for the replies. I have been going to his level and telling him it’s not acceptable to hit or kick etc. He doesn’t tend to do it to other kids, he’s usually been a very timid child around other kids and hated any sort of rough play or pushing or even too much hugging from another child would upset him. He isn’t as timid as he used to be, especially since starting in the preschool room during the summer. He has come out of himself more, and a lot more confident. It’s at home we seem to get his frustrations.
I definitely make sure to give him lots of positive reinforcement and get him to help me with things and tell him he’s being so good etc.

He is an only child, and we are still obviously learning and not sure what we are doing....as many parents are.
I just need to not let it get to me so much. I get stressed by it which obviously doesn’t help.

farmchoice

Jurgen The German wrote: »

He's a three year old, not a hardened criminal.

Op, ur 26 month old has been acting out a bit, hitting, being a bit difficult, being rough with his little sister etc. What we find works is when he is acting out we get down on his level, either on our hunkers or by picking him up and asking what's wrong. If he slaps out we gently but firmly hold his arms and tell him about gentle hands and that we dont hit people in this house. More often than not when a toddler is acting out its because they cant Express what they are feeling. I know its difficult as they are adept at getting on ones last nerve but you and your husband are the adults. As said above, lots of positive reinforcement and if he is acting up try distraction, if at home say let's play with a favourite toy or if ye are out tell him ye will do some activity he enjoys when ye get home.

exactly, you could reason with a hardened criminal and if things get bad enough send them to ''the hole''. its much harder with a 3 year old as they are impervious to reason and think of no one or nothing but themselves.
as other have said you have to come down as hard as you can to try and keep some lid on it although chances are it will do little good.
i would strongly advise against physically going down to their level as they will use this against you by punching you in the face or kicking you in the stomach/genitals . your only actual advantage in this battle of wills is your physical height and strength out from that they have all the advantages, even the law is on their side since they outlawed beating the daylights out of them( i jest, of course).

others would say just let them at it there is practically nothing you can do anyway, the terrible twos can be bad but the threenager thing is worse in my unfortunately fairly extensive experience.

they grow out of it.

Ciarrai76

farmchoice wrote: »

exactly, you could reason with a hardened criminal and if things get bad enough send them to ''the hole''. its much harder with a 3 year old as they are impervious to reason and think of no one or nothing but themselves.
as other have said you have to come down as hard as you can to try and keep some lid on it although chances are it will do little good.
i would strongly advise against physically going down to their level as they will use this against you by punching you in the face or kicking you in the stomach/genitals . your only actual advantage in this battle of wills is your physical height and strength out from that they have all the advantages, even the law is on their side since they outlawed beating the daylights out of them( i jest, of course).

others would say just let them at it there is practically nothing you can do anyway, the terrible twos can be bad but the threenager thing is worse in my unfortunately fairly extensive experience.

they grow out of it.

Thanks. I was warned 3 is worse than the so called terrible twos, and it is!

His daddy took him out by him see yesterday for some quality time together (daddy has had to work a lot lately) and it did him a lot of good, and me! He was very happy to see me when he got home and said he missed me....you can’t stay cross with them for long! Lol
As with all things baby and toddler, they will eventually grow out of it! It’s just hard when you are in the thick of it.

I am often glad we don’t have more than one as I wonder how I would cope! Then I want another two minutes later! :rolleyes:

fits

One of mine is getting into this phase now. He refused to get dressed last week and kicked out any time I went near him. Not looking forward to this behaviour in months ahead!

shesty

It's rough and the biggest thing is not to take any of it personally.Walk away and take a few deep breaths if you have to.And the biggest thing is pick your battles....make very clear what is an absolute no-no, and just let some of the other things slide...big deal if they go to school in wellies in blazing sunshine, or end up going out with no coat on.(within reason obviously.).I often use "well you come and tell me when you want your coat", or similar, and it tends to work.

I found four to be a vast improvement if I am honest!

Ciarrai76

fits wrote: »

One of mine is getting into this phase now. He refused to get dressed last week and kicked out any time I went near him. Not looking forward to this behaviour in months ahead!

Oh I get this one a lot! The kicks are bloody powerful! I've had bruises from him! lol

Ciarrai76

shesty wrote: »

It's rough and the biggest thing is not to take any of it personally.Walk away and take a few deep breaths if you have to.And the biggest thing is pick your battles....make very clear what is an absolute no-no, and just let some of the other things slide...big deal if they go to school in wellies in blazing sunshine, or end up going out with no coat on.(within reason obviously.).I often use "well you come and tell me when you want your coat", or similar, and it tends to work.

I found four to be a vast improvement if I am honest!

I have definitely started to walk away for deep breaths lately. Usually he comes to find me and feels bad that he's upset me! He's a very sensitive and loving little boy, in between the outbursts!


I have had to pause the toilet training as he is point blank refusing to go for me. He doesn't even care if his pull ups are soaked and will refuse to let me change him. So we will have to try again in a few weeks and hope he's ready.


He's so headstrong, like me...its karma I've been told by my mother!):D

Marz66

3 is difficult. 4 has its moments too I can tell you but probably less of them.

Around age 3/4, I started to read more parenting books/articles, when behavior stopped seeming like tantrums cos of tiredness or hunger and more like being bold or annoying. As in you wouldn’t get annoyed with a 2 year old for being hungry but a 3 year old acting out can be annoying.

Anyway Janet Lansbury Unruffled is a brilliant short podcast and articles on her website too. She has a podcast for nearly every possible topic.

Her main advice is to figure out what’s causing the bad behaviour. Children are usually driven to be good she says and when they act out its because something is bothering them but they don’t know how to communicate that (maybe because it’s subconscious).

Can you pinpoint anything that could be causing it. Unease over playschool or talking about play school over the summer? Could he need a nap after playschool or an earlier bedtime?
Is he missing dad and maybe cross at dad but taking it out on you?
Do you both have different rules and he’s a bit uneasy over that?

Discipline is right so he knows his behavior is not acceptable but best if you can figure out the cause and help that. Janet Lansbury says it better than I can and the podcasts really are short (and free).
For me, all behaviour is a phase and you will hopefully have a good phase very soon

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/

https://www.janetlansbury.com/category/toddlers-preschoolers/

fits

I really like some of Janet Lansbury's stuff until she starts talking about sleep!

whatcanidonow

It's frowned upon now but a gentle slap works well. I'm not saying beat the child but when you're at home and he's acting up, give him a gentle slap across the face. Or if he hits you, hit him back and ask him does he like it? Is it nice to hit someone? This will show him that it's not the right thing to do.

Hoboo

whatcanidonow wrote: »

It's frowned upon now but a gentle slap works well. I'm not saying beat the child but when you're at home and he's acting up, give him a gentle slap across the face. Or if he hits you, hit him back and ask him does he like it? Is it nice to hit someone? This will show him that it's not the right thing to do.

So you're trying to teach something is not acceptable by doing the same thing?

whatcanidonow

Hoboo wrote: »

So you're trying to teach something is not acceptable by doing the same thing?

Yes, to show them how wrong it is and how horrible it is.

Ciarrai76

whatcanidonow wrote: »

It's frowned upon now but a gentle slap works well. I'm not saying beat the child but when you're at home and he's acting up, give him a gentle slap across the face. Or if he hits you, hit him back and ask him does he like it? Is it nice to hit someone? This will show him that it's not the right thing to do.

Are you for real? He's 3 years old!! Ive no intention of hitting my little boy. You are suggesting hitting a child across the face!! I really hope you don't have kids!:mad:

Orion

Suggesting violence is completely unacceptable. Poster has been warned. Let's get back on topic now please

Electric

Is he hungry? Could he be acting up because he's hangry?

I sometimes find with mine that when their behaviour is starting to go downhill, it sometimes helps to take a break from what we're doing and have a snack (banana, yogurt, crackers & hummus, etc)

Ciarrai76

Electric wrote: »

Is he hungry? Could he be acting up because he's hangry?

I sometimes find with mine that when their behaviour is starting to go downhill, it sometimes helps to take a break from what we're doing and have a snack (banana, yogurt, crackers & hummus, etc)

No don't think its that. I do find it tends to happen more in the evening, so tiredness is creeping in. But he does it outside of that too. It seems to be if we are asking him not to do something, or to finish doing something, like if he doesn't want to stop playing or have to leave somewhere that he's having fun. He just doesn't want to leave unless its on his terms or his decision! However, thankfully its been happening less since, and I've been using a few different techniques to either diffuse it or just ignore it totally etc. Every day is a learning day for both him and me

Electric

Ciarrai76 wrote: »

No don't think its that. I do find it tends to happen more in the evening, so tiredness is creeping in. But he does it outside of that too. It seems to be if we are asking him not to do something, or to finish doing something, like if he doesn't want to stop playing or have to leave somewhere that he's having fun. He just doesn't want to leave unless its on his terms or his decision! However, thankfully its been happening less since, and I've been using a few different techniques to either diffuse it or just ignore it totally etc. Every day is a learning day for both him and me

3 is a very tough age! I did find that offering choices helped and involving them in doing jobs, with lots of praise for them did help.

In saying that some days were just about riding out the storm 🙈