Attempt at morning sex turned into a disaster [NSFW]

sexlifeover

I've been with my girlfriend for eight years and our sex life has gone really down hill. This morning, I instigated it (after she said yes) because we were having a laugh, but she gave me a massive slap on the back because I looked at her ass on the way to working out how to go down on her from behind.

It was absolutely bizarre considering what we've done before. She slapped me like I was a stranger not allowed to do that. She claimed it was just a fun slap but for me, it was just a "You used to be welcome but not anymore." slap, and it's so different to years ago.

It turned into a fight and now I don't even want to touch her ever again. I've never abused her or forced anything. I just feel totally unwelcome. It wasn't a fun slap in my mind.

She's told me a few times in the last year while drunk to go get I want from other girls. I don't think she's cheating. She just wants a sexless relationship at this point. I would be fine with this in a way if I could do what I wanted, because I still love her. But I also wonder if it would be best to just leave.

I don't know if I should just leave or stay and get my kicks from other people.

leggo

What it sounds like, off-hand, is that she’s feeling really insecure about herself more than anything to do with you. Slapping you as an instinctive reaction to looking at her arse would suggest this, as well as just not wanting sex. And now it’s becoming a problem that’s feeding itself because you feel unwanted and rejected as a result, which is only going to push you away and make her feel more unwanted as the cycle gets bigger and bigger.

Of course this is all easily resolved by having one big, honest, vulnerable conversation where you both admit how you’re feeling and a solution just presents itself. But you’re not having that so instead you’re doing mental stuff like both walking around feeling rejected when you’re both sitting beside each other, going to have sex then her slapping you for sexually desiring her and so on.

sexlifeover

leggo wrote: »

What it sounds like, off-hand, is that she’s feeling really insecure about herself more than anything to do with you. Slapping you as an instinctive reaction to looking at her arse would suggest this, as well as just not wanting sex. And now it’s becoming a problem that’s feeding itself because you feel unwanted and rejected as a result, which is only going to push you away and make her feel more unwanted as the cycle gets bigger and bigger.

Of course this is all easily resolved by having one big, honest, vulnerable conversation where you both admit how you’re feeling and a solution just presents itself. But you’re not having that so instead you’re doing mental stuff like both walking around feeling rejected when you’re both sitting beside each other, going to have sex then her slapping you for sexually desiring her and so on.

This to be honest feels word for word what's going on.. Big chat needed.

Calypso Realm

sexlifeover wrote: »

She's told me a few times in the last year while drunk to go get I want from other girls. I don't think she's cheating. .

Agree with what Leggo said about feeling self-conscious/insecure but this bit struck me as concerning. What was the context exactly?

Up Donegal

I hope the OP and other half get a resolution to their situation.

What does NSFW mean?

leggo

leggo wrote: »

Of course this is all easily resolved by having one big, honest, vulnerable conversation where you both admit how you’re feeling and a solution just presents itself.

thats a bit certain of a statement isnt it?

wonski

Up Donegal wrote: »

I hope the OP and other half get a resolution to their situation.

What does NSFW mean?

Not suitable for work... In case one access boards at work.

Ursus Horribilis

This sounds like a step up from what has been going wrong over time. Are there medical reasons for her lack of interest in sex? Or has she stopped fancying you and is afraid of being single? Have you put on weight or anything like that which might make you less attractive?

Going outside of the relationship for your kicks might sound fine in theory but human emotions have a way of making things awkward. I think you'd be better served either trying to solve this sex issue or splitting altogether. How old are you both? Do you have any children?

leggo

[Deleted User] wrote: »

thats a bit certain of a statement isnt it?

Nope, talking honestly works. You don’t always get the result you want but you’ll get to a solution.

Squall Leonhart

This whole business of getting your kicks outside the relationship has always struck me as great in theory but how is that enacted in reality.

Most men who would like a sexual encounter can't just go just do it. They've to meet someone, date someone, get to that stage, whether it's first date or fifth or whatever, or get lucky on night out.

Behaving like this while in a relationship at home? How? Constantly on tinder? Trawling bars solo on a Friday night? Prostitutes?

Do you come home at all hours and say you were at the office working late, or do you slip into your bed and smell of anothers perfume.

How would this actually even work OP? I don't think this is the answer.

leggo

It’s a total test, not a serious offer. 100% certain.

Apiarist

If something stalled, it needs a push to restart?

Talk to your gf, ask her if she would like a holiday together in Italy, do something romantic without sex, tell her that she is beautiful and so on. It may not work immediately, but don't despair. Even if you split afterwards, you will still have that night in Rome (tm).

ILoveYourVibes

leggo wrote: »

What it sounds like, off-hand, is that she’s feeling really insecure about herself more than anything to do with you. Slapping you as an instinctive reaction to looking at her arse would suggest this, as well as just not wanting sex. And now it’s becoming a problem that’s feeding itself because you feel unwanted and rejected as a result, which is only going to push you away and make her feel more unwanted as the cycle gets bigger and bigger.

Of course this is all easily resolved by having one big, honest, vulnerable conversation where you both admit how you’re feeling and a solution just presents itself. But you’re not having that so instead you’re doing mental stuff like both walking around feeling rejected when you’re both sitting beside each other, going to have sex then her slapping you for sexually desiring her and so on.

I disagree there is more to it.

Op i am tempted to say she slapped you so leave her.

no 1 she slapped him instead of verbally asking him to stop. Its not like he is a stranger in a club or a guy friend etc. He has been her partner a while.

She should have verbally said 'stop that right now' or something.

She is having some issues around the whole relationship.

Your intimacy has gone. Sex isn't just sex for women. There is an issue be it emotional or sexual. When you have real intimacy you can talk about things.

Also OP be watchful for her body language etc ..when you are initiating ...it might help you.

I would ask her what's wrong. And tell her that slapping you is never the answer and is never ok.

If it can't be fixed you may find you want to move on.

Its not about sex though.

Maybe stuff is reminding her of a bad sexual experience or its body issues or .....she feels less close to you or something. Not sure. But you have to talk.

If its just her being ignorant etc I don't know what to say.

I mean tell her that you are not demanding sex etc. But you are worried about what has happened between her and how she is feeling.

And op her hitting you is NEVER ok. Again i am tempted to say leave her just for that.

ILoveYourVibes

leggo wrote: »

It’s a total test, not a serious offer. 100% certain.

I wouldn't be so sure about that.

pwurple

You say she isn’t cheating, but I have to say it was the first thing that crossed my mind. I wonder is she emotionally cheating, or thinking about it maybe, if not doing anything physically... hard to find out though. You could ask her if she fancies someone else, but she may deny it whether she does or not.


Why I say that is, if , in her mind she is picturing herself with someone else, then sex with you is cheating on them. And her reaction sounds like just that.

ldeayton

This is my first time posting in this area of boards. OP, your experience was similar to something I’ve been through. If I could go back to my younger self I’d have pulled myself out of that relationship.

Someone has already asked if you have kids. And depending on this I’d be inclined to advise you to walk away.

Your girlfriend hit you. She does not enjoy sex with you. She tells you to go elsewhere (perhaps this is her desire too). You’re not feeling right about the relationship.
The longer you stay with her the more your own self esteem will hurt. You deserve better. Maybe she has insecurities but that’s no excuse.

Make your own plans and be prepared: where can you stay, have you joint financial commitments that need to be resolved, logistics of moving your belongings etc.

Don’t do the dirt on her. Walk away. Reflect on yourself. Take some time out. Get counselling. There are plenty of people who will want you and desire you for who you are.

Just reverse the genders here OP and see what the responses would be. Physical violence aside, IMO she doesn't want you anymore, and has lost respect for you. Loss of respect is the death of any sort of relationship. I think it's time to pull the plug and move on.

jimwallace197

OP, I think without knowing more information it would be wrong to give you proper advice on this.

But In truth, she hit you a fun slap on the back, not a serious slap on the face, I think your reaction is a bit of an over reaction. Obviously, its best to talk to her about this seriously. One of two things in my opinion, either she is very insecure, lacking in self esteem and is so desperate to be left alone she is willing to accept you going off with other which is very sad to be honest or she is finished with the relationship and hoping through her neglect of you, that you will go off with someone else and she will be able to play the victim role in all this.

As with most things in life, the signs will be there and I think you know deep down if it is the former or the latter. If its the former, talk to her, work out your issues, support her if but its the latter, get out of the relationship asap.

suicide_circus

how many times have you "fun slapped" her, OP?

You say the relationship is sexless and she has told you to get it elsewhere...sounds cut and dry to me i'm afraid. Time to part ways

Macdarack

suicide_circus wrote: »

how many times have you "fun slapped" her, OP?

You say the relationship is sexless and she has told you to get it elsewhere...sounds cut and dry to me i'm afraid. Time to part ways

Ya, the go get it elsewhere remark is damming. That would leave me feeling very empty. Have it out and make her tell you what's the f is going on, that's cat.

Bythefire

Sounds like she is extremely insecure and felt ashamed of her body. That is nothing to do with you, we are funny like that and it's a vicious circle if unhappy with out bodies. It does make us push people away, especially those closest to us.

Has she (or you) gained weight over the past while? Has something happened in her life like bereavement or loosing a job etc? Has anything changed in your relationship or is she jealous of you with someone else or have you given her reason to think you would/could cheat? You don't need to answer here but seriously think about the answers to those.

Tell her you want to talk honestly. Reassure her how much you do love her and want to work things out. Do it away from home but somewhere quiet. Tell her you want her to be completely honest what's going on with her and you as a couple.

I think she is pushing you away for a reason rather than because she doesn't love you.

Bythefire

Bythefire wrote: »

Sounds like she is extremely insecure and felt ashamed of her body. That is nothing to do with you, we are funny like that and it's a vicious circle if unhappy with out bodies. It does make us push people away, especially those closest to us.

Is this really the OPs problem though? Why is the answer not for the OP to leave and find a woman who doesn't have issues like this? If the OP had body issues or say performance issues and treated her badly should she just put up with it?

TBH I think this is just something that happens to a lot of women in LTRs, they just go off sex with their partner. When they meet someone new their body issues magically disappear and their sex drive comes roaring back. Also if they have gained a few pounds they go back to the gym and diet to look good for the new partner. Seen it more times than I can count.

Porklife

leggo wrote: »

What it sounds like, off-hand, is that she’s feeling really insecure about herself more than anything to do with you. Slapping you as an instinctive reaction to looking at her arse would suggest this, as well as just not wanting sex. And now it’s becoming a problem that’s feeding itself because you feel unwanted and rejected as a result, which is only going to push you away and make her feel more unwanted as the cycle gets bigger and bigger.

Of course this is all easily resolved by having one big, honest, vulnerable conversation where you both admit how you’re feeling and a solution just presents itself. But you’re not having that so instead you’re doing mental stuff like both walking around feeling rejected when you’re both sitting beside each other, going to have sex then her slapping you for sexually desiring her and so on.

God, you're good!

Porklife

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Just reverse the genders here OP and see what the responses would be. Physical violence aside, IMO she doesn't want you anymore, and has lost respect for you. Loss of respect is the death of any sort of relationship. I think it's time to pull the plug and move on.

Physical violence? Get a grip. She slapped his hand away instinctively, it's hardly violence. Jesus Christ. As someone who was in a dangerously actually violent relationship your post is insulting and plain ridiculous.

osarusan

Porklife wrote: »

Physical violence? Get a grip. She slapped his hand away instinctively, it's hardly violence.

She gave him 'a massive slap on the back'.

Porklife

osarusan wrote: »

She gave him 'a massive slap on the back'.

Upon re-reading you're actually right. It doesn't sound like a meaningless playful slap, it does sound pretty bad.
Talk to her is my only advice Op but it definitely doesn't look good. When you're sexually attracted to someone and love them which is how a relationship should be, you don't slap someone away.
Maybe it is insecurity but even at that, a loving couple would talk about it and reassure and support each other. It's probably curtains but maybe that's a good thing. Surely you wanna be with a woman who slaps you in a good way and loves you checking out her ass!!

pearcider

Sounds to me like it’s over for her and it was on the way out a long time ago. Whether there is kids involved would be the only thing stopping me from walking immediately. I would play it cool from now on and begin planning out finances for when you break up.

sexlifeover

She's moving out as we speak. Had a small argument yesterday and she just said it's time to give it all a break. I agreed. We've been fine today while it's happening. She said I can call over and see what it's like whenever.

Feel like I've been hit by a tonne of bricks. It's been a long time together but this also feels like a long time coming.

We're very tangled up in certain things and I want to take care of her. In a few months, we may get back together I suppose. Unlikely I think but we will be forced to see each other and deal with each other frequently.

Edit: Not sure what to say to the many comments posted. Apologies but I don't feel like replying to them and getting into debates about who was right and who was wrong. Imo we both made mistakes. If I made more, fair enough.

Probably the best thing would be for us to move on while making sure each other is doing ok along the way.

Purgative

sexlifeover wrote: »

Edit: Not sure what to say to the many comments posted. Apologies but I don't feel like replying to them and getting into debates about who was right and who was wrong.

Don't. You really don't have to.


I wish you all the very best for the future and hope that things work out for you both.

sexlifeover

Purgative wrote: »

Don't. You really don't have to.


I wish you all the very best for the future and hope that things work out for you both.

Thanks for the kind words.

Macdarack

sexlifeover wrote: »

Thanks for the kind words.

Best of luck bud, hopefully we see your name change to sexlifestarting at some stage.

Bythefire

I'm really sorry to hear that.
I hope that in time things get easier and you find happiness.

lawred2

Bythefire wrote: »

Sounds like she is extremely insecure and felt ashamed of her body. That is nothing to do with you, we are funny like that and it's a vicious circle if unhappy with out bodies. It does make us push people away, especially those closest to us.

Has she (or you) gained weight over the past while? Has something happened in her life like bereavement or loosing a job etc? Has anything changed in your relationship or is she jealous of you with someone else or have you given her reason to think you would/could cheat? You don't need to answer here but seriously think about the answers to those.

Tell her you want to talk honestly. Reassure her how much you do love her and want to work things out. Do it away from home but somewhere quiet. Tell her you want her to be completely honest what's going on with her and you as a couple.

I think she is pushing you away for a reason rather than because she doesn't love you.

Would you tell your partner to go get what you need elsewhere because you feel a bit overweight?

lawred2

Sorry didn't see your update.

Best of luck to the two of you.

Bythefire

lawred2 wrote: »

Would you tell your partner to go get what you need elsewhere because you feel a bit overweight?

Feel I have to answer this. I'm not a big girl by any means, but at times if I put on a few pounds and my clothes feel tight then I don't think the guy will find me attractive (when I'm in a relationship). I think a lot of women are the same. I wouldn't tell him where to go but I would feel self conscious.

tara73

going from your first post I think your gf had reasons for this break up and it was foreseeable. advice would be to do some self reflection, sounds to me you' re not the best empathic person regarding women.

lawred2

Bythefire wrote: »

Feel I have to answer this. I'm not a big girl by any means, but at times if I put on a few pounds and my clothes feel tight then I don't think the guy will find me attractive (when I'm in a relationship). I think a lot of women are the same. I wouldn't tell him where to go but I would feel self conscious.

We all feel self conscious at one time or another. That's 100% normal! But there's a long way between that and telling your partner to go sort out their urges elsewhere.