Feel so pathetic

LegacyUser

Hi all.

Long time lurker, first time poster here. Not even sure what I’m looking for by posting this, I’m just feeling super pathetic at the moment.

So, backstory: I’m a late 20’s female who just got back into dating after a 5 year break. In that time, I lost a lot of weight, gained a bit of confidence and felt ready to try some online dating. My first experience ended after the third date, I think because I wouldn’t have sex with him (I didn’t feel quite ready). To be fair to the guy, he didn’t just ghost me, but did tell me I was too much in my own head about sex. We parted ways pretty amicably, though I was a bit disappointed as I quite liked him. But such is life, I took his advice on board and started dating/talking to a good few people. Have not felt ready for sex yet, but thankfully none have ever got that far.

Anyway, I end up chatting to this lad from up the country who I instantly click with. He’s smart and funny, makes me feel good about myself, texts super long messages and encourages me to move off the app despite my reservations about the distance. We messaged everyday, with him chasing me. Because I’m an idiot, I get hooked. I start to see myself really falling for this guy two weeks in. Now, if you told me that before this interaction, I’d have said you were a div and I’m not that stupid. Apparently, I am THAT stupid. There were a few red flags I wasn’t oblivious too though: his online dating profile didn’t contain much info or clear photos. He was very careful to only send photos of himself to me on Snap. He didn’t have a profile pic on WhatsApp, and he wouldn’t tell me his dogs names, or anything about his past relationships/family. Not even basic stuff. He did provide his surname though.

Despite this, I’m still crushing hard on this lad, but he started to fade at the start of week 4. I call him out on it and he blames the distance, and encourages me to date others. Again, being fair here, he was basically telling me to move on, but I couldn’t. We still talked, but always after I instigated. I invited him to where I live and he did consider it but ultimately pulled back. Anyway, I eventually agreed with him it was best we cut contact, and we stopped texting for a grand total of 24 hours. The climax of all this is that the next night I go out and get horribly drunk. I message him asking if the other girl he is texting is more fun than me. Shockingly, no response. Oh, the shame. I apologized profusely the next day and no response. Then, I make it worse. Two weeks later I text him AGAIN trying to make light of it all. No response, and probably a poor terrified lad up the country thinking he’s about to be stalked. My motivation behind this last text was to end on good terms, as hard as that might be to believe. I think I just wanted him in my life in some capacity as I really enjoyed his company, and a texting buddy was gonna be better than nothing.

Now I feel like an absolute fool. I feel pathetic and silly. And worse still is that I would be elated if he ever decided to reach out again. What is wrong with me? Am I just ill equipped to date? How do I toughen up and not feel the need to get closure every time something ends? Should I just come off the apps for a while? I honestly feel so embarrassed right now. I’m still on the apps, but have lost a lot of my motivation to pursue anything else.

PS. For those of you afraid I might try texting this poor boy again, I’ve deleted all his contact details. And even if I hadn’t, my plan to move to Mexico to live in a cave, far away from other human beings would prevent that happening.

Batgurl

I think every girl who has ever come out of a relationship could write this post, myself included.

We all do stupid things and in the grand scheme of things, yours isn’t even top 100. So don’t be so hard on yourself.

That said, here’s some advice I wish I could have take when I was in your place:

Online dating is fine but if you are serious about wanting to move on, you have to take it to real life as soon as possible. You build these guys up in your head and then no matter how nice they are in real life, they are not good enough.

Keep your options open. Don’t put all your eggs on one basket. Date. If nothing else, it’ll stop you from taking all your crazy out on one person when you have your “moments”.

Maybe take some time to date yourself for a while and learn to know what YOU like. Go for dinners by yourself. Cinema. Walks. Whatever. As soon as you love and respect yourself, you’ll stop seeking that validation from others and that confidence is sexy, trust me.

Sorry about that

We have all done things with guys that in hindsight absolutely mortify us op, honestly. I have a few memories from years ago that still make me cringe and break out in a sweat, God, even typing this brings it back!

Forgive yourself, the shame will stop burning and you will get over it! You hurt nobody, you just lost the run of yourself. And you're not a stalker.

zapper55

Haha you are gas with your Mexico plan.

Look no real harm done, he was pulling away anyways. You drunk texted and made an eijit of yourself. Sure most of us have done that, me included.

You do need a thick skin with online dating and it's not for everyone. I decided it wasnt for me, I felt too disposable and was also treating guys similarly. Maybe take a break for a while.

Paddy Cow

I wouldn't worry about it. He probably blocked you after the first text so he won't have received any of the others.

ILoveYourVibes

Again, being fair here, he was basically telling me to move on, but I couldn’t. We still talked, but always after I instigated. I invited him to where I live and he did consider it but ultimately pulled back. Anyway, I eventually agreed with him it was best we cut contact, and we stopped texting for a grand total of 24 hours. Anyway, I eventually agreed with him it was best we cut contact, and we stopped texting for a grand total of 24 hours. The climax of all this is that the next night I go out and get horribly drunk. I message him asking if the other girl he is texting is more fun than me. Shockingly, no response. Oh, the shame. I apologized profusely the next day and no response. Then, I make it worse. Two weeks later I text him AGAIN trying to make light of it all. No response,

OP this is not healthy. Its good you realize its not healthy though and I hope you are taking steps to avoid this pattern.



You are not pathetic. In fact the problem that caused all of this is that you might have low self esteem.

How do I toughen up and not feel the need to get closure every time something ends?

Don't let people use you for entertainment or when they need a chat etc. Don't let your emotions react to them or allow your feelings to control your head.

Its about the balance of feelings and control. Just try to have a balanced approach to dating and relationships.

No one is pathetic.