Can't figure out my sexuality

LegacyUser

I'm a 37 year old male who is struggling with his sexuality. I have dated and have had sex with many women. I enjoyed lots of those experience (although with some erectile dysfunction). I started having same-sex attraction at the age of 28. I have tried intimate relations with men, but they haven't been the highly sexual experiences I envisage when I fantasise or watch porn. I still haven't really kissed a guy and to be honest, the idea doesn't appeal at all. I'm usually very nervous to be aroused.

I keep to'ing and fro'ing from thinking I'm gay, to thinking I'm straight, to bi, for years now. I've never had a boyfriend or even had sex with a man I fancy.

If a guy lifts his top, I get attraction feelings (I think it's attraction). I've never really had that with girls. I am definitely emotionally attracted to girls as I get comfort from imagining cuddling with them.

This 'stuckness' is keeping me out of relationships. I do wonder if I'm sexually attracted to men but emotionally attracted to women.. What confuses me is that in the 28 years I was 'straight', I never had a crush on or fell for a guy (not that I can think of).

I don't come across as a camp but plenty of people think I'm gay (whilst others are surprised when I say I might be). I certainly don't want to be gay but at this stage I just want certainty so I can move on.

Anyone else in this situation?

leggo

Why do you need to ‘figure it out’? That need seems to be what’s paralysing you here. Tbh my own thoughts are that in 50-100 years people will look back at this era and think we were absolutely mental for having labels and a lot of the planet choosing to deny themselves being with 50% of the human population because of some arbitrary idea of ‘sexuality’ we invented, where you had to define yourself as either fully gay, or straight, or bi, or pan, or whatever.

Don’t worry about trying to be straight or gay and live that pre-set life to the max. Just be you. If you’re attracted to someone and want to do something with that, and they are too, do what makes you happy. It doesn’t harm anyone else and there’s nothing wrong with it. Right now you don’t seem to be fully living because you’re trying to find a logical answer to an emotional question. Why don’t you try it from the opposite viewpoint and live, do what you want to do in a given moment, then let the answers figure themselves out in the background? Say you meet a guy, or a girl, who you’ve mutual attraction with and want to date them: date them. If it’s making you happy, go with it. If it isn’t, don’t.

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar position. I'm a woman, I'm romantically attracted to men only, and while I'm also sexually attracted to them I often find my sexual attraction stronger towards women but I've no romantic attraction to them whatsoever. The idea of having a girlfriend or sitting cuddling a girl is completely foreign to me. It's weird but I agree with the previous poster that you're overthinking it.

I'm not interested in meaningless sex so I have only very limited sexual experiences with women, I exclusively date men therefore I usually refer to myself as straight (sometimes I elaborate and at one point inn my life I said I was bi) if asked...but the reality is nobody asks very often.

Having a label can help you come to terms with things and find others who feel the same but it sounds like it's just causing you angst.

never_mind

+1 for Leggo.

The only thing I’d be concerned about is that an inherent shame could be leading you to avoid dating men. You have to question what danger is associated with dating a man and what could lead onto it. I would experiment with both genders WIDELY (just go for it!) and see where it brings you.

fmpisces

Confused_and_need_advice wrote: »

I'm a 37 year old male who is struggling with his sexuality. I have dated and have had sex with many women. I enjoyed lots of those experience (although with some erectile dysfunction). I started having same-sex attraction at the age of 28. I have tried intimate relations with men, but they haven't been the highly sexual experiences I envisage when I fantasise or watch porn. I still haven't really kissed a guy and to be honest, the idea doesn't appeal at all. I'm usually very nervous to be aroused.

I keep to'ing and fro'ing from thinking I'm gay, to thinking I'm straight, to bi, for years now. I've never had a boyfriend or even had sex with a man I fancy.

If a guy lifts his top, I get attraction feelings (I think it's attraction). I've never really had that with girls. I am definitely emotionally attracted to girls as I get comfort from imagining cuddling with them.

This 'stuckness' is keeping me out of relationships. I do wonder if I'm sexually attracted to men but emotionally attracted to women.. What confuses me is that in the 28 years I was 'straight', I never had a crush on or fell for a guy (not that I can think of).

I don't come across as a camp but plenty of people think I'm gay (whilst others are surprised when I say I might be). I certainly don't want to be gay but at this stage I just want certainty so I can move on.

Anyone else in this situation?

The bit I've highlighted is what stood out for me. You need to ask yourself why do you feel this way? There's nothing wrong with being gay. You need to allow yourself to have whatever feelings you have towards the same or the opposite sex. There is no shame in either whatsoever.

nthclare

I'm a bi male in my mid 40's I've no hang ups about it now.
Some people will say bi people are greedy or judge us according to their own fvzked up homophobic ignorance.

What ever makes you happy dude, I was where you are now but at this stage I'm quite content with my sexuality.

Ironically it seems the more attractive and intelligent open minded women prefer bi guy's and prefer us to jocks, neanderthals and shapers..

Because bi guy's rock and we are more in touch with the femmine side.

Sexualy liberal and honest with ourselves and others...

When I was feeling shame about being bisexual my world was very small.
When I accepted it, the universe opened up.

A lot of things fall into place and I found people liked the flamboyant side of me fun..

Nothing worse than holding it all in...

I hope you do get out there.

I've made some really good friends in the LGBT community and they're friends for life..

Yes I am what I am

A bisexual man

Smegging hell

Hi OP, I'm a bisexual man in my late 20s and I think a lot of people can relate to what you're saying. When I was younger I was quite anxious about my orientation as I was concerned about a lot of the biphobic stereotypes that one sees on the internet and so on, but personally I haven't really encountered anything like that among friends or dating partners since I've been come out, I have a boyfriend at the moment. I agree with the posters above not to worry too much about labeling yourself as gay, straight, bi, or whatever so long as you're comfortable with yourself.

Firebird on the Run

I totally agree with most comments, try to see what makes you happy and go for it. Try to see some guys and see if you will enjoy being with a man sexually in real as well or you just like the fantasy (a friend of mine thought she might be bi or homosexual so she tried it a with a girl and said half way through it she reaized that's not what she likes so now she knows what is her orientation and does not feel that way anymore). Also as others mentioned try to go to the bottom of the fact that you don't like to be gay and figure out why. Is it because you've grown up learning it's not "the norm", are you afraid how others (family, relatives, friends, work) will react? Is it because you always had the image of making a family and children with a woman and now you don't like interrupt that, etc.
I think it will be an idea to talk to an expert about it and get help in knowing your orientation better, sometimes it can be hormone imbalance, sometimes it's your sexually, sometimes it might have psychological reasons that reflects in that way (such as being rejected, not comfortable with your body, etc).
I like to emphasize that I only suggest other reasons than sexuality because you mentioned it happened after a certain age and you don't like to be this way, I certainly do not mean that anyone with different sexual orientation has a problem or anything like that! For most people it's just their tase and that's totally normal. But since you say you're confused and can't figure it out, there might be other factors involved too.
There is also one more thing that I'd like to add and that's unlike others that say you don't need to figure it out, I believe you need to know what you want and what like for your own sake and your potential partners. Make sure you don't go to a relationship trying to escape your feelings, or get comfort..be honest with others. So you won't play with other people's hearts and emotions. Some suggested do what you like and do it widely, yeah that's good to live your life at best but remember others also live only one life! So if you decided to do that make sure the other person/people also know where they stand. Especially with girls since they easily will think the problem is them, not being sexy, not being enough for you, and it can damage their confidence and causes other problems as well as a broken heart when you decide to go out of the relationship. And of course if they experience all of these and then find out that you have had other orientation all together and never mentioned it then the damage is way worse. I have experienced that and I'm telling you it hurts! It hurts really bad. So while figuring out your desires and needs and trying to have a happier sex life please be mindful of others and do not use/abuse others emotionally.
Wish you the best.

ILoveYourVibes

Op try experimenting in an honest and safe environment.