Flat mate has his boyfriend over two nights a week

Am I being unreasonable that I feel like asking my friend to contribute towards bills because he has his boyfriend over two nights a week, every week because his boyfriend owns his own home and work full time and yet when he stays here he gets room and board for free and uses our shower, electric, internet and I’m guessing in the winter he’ll use me heating also. He also brings his own food and cooks it like he owns the place.

I’m seriously considering asking and how much should I ask for.

My response if he goes funny with me is I bet he wouldn’t like it if I stayed in his house two nights a week for free cost him so why should I.

The rent is €975 a month and there is 3 of us my partner and I and our friend.

Thanks

skallywag

Do you mean that your flat mate is not contributing anything towards these bills at the moment?

Or or do you mean that they do pay their share, but you feel like asking for more now because the boyfriend stays two nights per week?

Dial Hard

Two nights a week isn't excessive, imo. Anything more than that and I'd be having a conversation alright, but not about bills. Them paying towards him being there would just give them more "rights" in their heads, most likely.

Does the flatmate ever stay over in the boyfriend's place?

skallywag

skallywag wrote: »

Do you mean that your flat mate is not contributing anything towards these bills at the moment?

Or or do you mean that they do pay their share, but you feel like asking for more now because the boyfriend stays two nights per week?

Yes his boyfriend stays over two nights a week every week

And using the Internet, electric and uses the flat like its his and bring his own food to cook etc

Dial Hard

Dial Hard wrote: »

Does the flatmate ever stay over in the boyfriend's place?

Never

skallywag

Deleted User wrote: »

Yes his boyfriend stays over two nights a week every week

My point was more does your flatmate pay anything towards the bills anyway, as this is not clear from your OP.

Assuming that he does, and if it is just two nights a week, then I would think it pretty mean to ask for something here.

That said, what would annoy me more would be the loss of access to my shower, cooker, etc. I would have no issue with him using these, just as long as we had an arrangement where it was clear when I wanted to use them, and he worked around that.

skallywag

skallywag wrote: »

My point was more does your flatmate pay anything towards the bills anyway, as this is not clear from your OP.

Assuming that he does, and if it is just two nights a week, then I would think it pretty mean to ask for something here.

That said, what would annoy me more would be the loss of access to my shower, cooker, etc. I would have no issue with him using these, just as long as we had an arrangement where it was clear when I wanted to use them, and he worked around that.

Yeah the bills are spilt evenly but what annoys me is I’m not working at the moment and his boyfriend owns his own house works full time and has this place for free two nights a week

I just don’t think it’s fair at all

Salary Negotiator

2 nights a week is pretty normal for flat shares.

He’s not really using any electricity that your housemate wouldn’t be using if he was there alone, except the extra shower.

Dial Hard

Deleted User wrote:

Never

Well than rather than asking for money I think you'd be better off politely asking your flatmate if it would be possible for them to spend a night or two a week there, as you feel they're spending a lot of time in your (plural) house. You'll need the other flatmate on board I suspect though.

Also, I have no idea why you have an issue with him bringing food over. Surely that's the sound thing to do rather than helping himself?

Salary Negotiator

Salary Negotiator wrote: »

2 nights a week is pretty normal for flat shares.

He’s not really using any electricity that your housemate wouldn’t be using if he was there alone, except the extra shower.

Flat mate goes to work also and leaves the boyfriend here and he hangs around like a sore thumb I pulled him on it because he never asked me could he and still does it to this day.

We get on I’ll admit I just think it’s not fair

SirChenjin

Is this the same scenario that you posted about previously? You received a lot of good advice, did any of it work for you?

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057966825&page=2

SirChenjin

SirChenjin wrote: »

Is this the same scenario that you posted about previously? You received a lot of good advice, did any of it work for you?

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057966825&page=2

We talked and he still does it

I don’t mind if he stay 2 nights a week but the dude got to pay towards a bill it’s only fair

SirChenjin

Deleted User wrote: »

We talked and he still does it

I don’t mind if he stay 2 nights a week but the dude got to pay towards a bill it’s only fair

Only drawback is that once you get someone involved in paying bills, that person might then feel that they are entitled to stay around as much as they like?

Time for another sit down chat with all housemates involved, I think.

skallywag

Deleted User wrote: »

I don’t mind if he stay 2 nights a week but the dude got to pay towards a bill it’s only fair

I do not agree with you there, and it comes across as quite mean.

For sure if he was eating your food, etc. then yes, but for things like electricity, internet, etc, which you anyway have to pay for? I seriously would not ask him to pay towards these. Unless he happens to using huge amounts of them for some reason?

ILoveYourVibes

Deleted User wrote: »

Am I being unreasonable that I feel like asking my friend to contribute towards bills because he has his boyfriend over two nights a week, every week because his boyfriend owns his own home and work full time and yet when he stays here he gets room and board for free and uses our shower, electric, internet and I’m guessing in the winter he’ll use me heating also. He also brings his own food and cooks it like he owns the place.

I’m seriously considering asking and how much should I ask for.

My response if he goes funny with me is I bet he wouldn’t like it if I stayed in his house two nights a week for free cost him so why should I.

The rent is €975 a month and there is 3 of us my partner and I and our friend.

Thanks

No a guest of someone who pays rent just as you do does not owe you anything towards bills.

Salary Negotiator

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Flat mate goes to work also and leaves the boyfriend here and he hangs around like a sore thumb I pulled him on it because he never asked me could he and still does it to this day.

We get on I’ll admit I just think it’s not fair

I wouldn’t allow him there without the boyfriend, that is taking the piss.

Unanimous

I think you are being pissed of because you are not working and you know he has his house.
You need to raise your consciousness above that way of thinking.
Him not being there twice a week will not reduce the bills you have to pay.
You will only ruin your relationship with your housemate as that is very very unreasonable.
In future, he will not be understanding if you have a situation that he has a problem with.

tony1kenobi

If you’re determined to go ahead and ask for a contribution I’d say four euro per week would cover it.

If he is using your hygiene products when showering,up that to 4.10.

fullstop

OP being ridiculous. 2 nights per week not in any way excessive.

ILoveYourVibes

Salary Negotiator wrote: »

2 nights a week is pretty normal for flat shares.

He’s not really using any electricity that your housemate wouldn’t be using if he was there alone, except the extra shower.

Its kind of like the OP wants the boyfriend to help cover the costs of living there when he isn't obligated to.

There is give and take in these things OP. You can TRY and have a rule only one night a week but for grown adults etc this is very normal.


You would have the same issue most likely with other roommates too.

Del2005

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Yeah the bills are spilt evenly but what annoys me is I’m not working at the moment and his boyfriend owns his own house works full time and has this place for free two nights a week

I just don’t think it’s fair at all

Are the bills split evenly between the rooms or the people in the house? If you and your partner are paying a third then you should be paying more if you want the other person's partner to pay for 2 days.

ILoveYourVibes

Del2005 wrote: »

Are the bills split evenly between the rooms or the people in the house? If you and your partner are paying a third then you should be paying more if you want the other person's partner to pay for 2 days.

I would assume they are paying half when you add their contributions together (OP and his GF ) and sharing a room. The flatmate pays the other half etc?

In this case what the OP alone would be paying would be less than a third. He and his gf would be paying a quarter each. The flatmate would be paying half.

Ursus Horribilis

Is the material cost of him being there really that much? If it was me, I'd be far more interested in getting him out of the house when his boyfriend is gone. Charging him money will just make his position more permanent.

Dial Hard

tony1kenobi wrote:

If you’re determined to go ahead and ask for a contribution I’d say four euro per week would cover it.

I'd also expect the flatmate to turn right back around and ask the OP to increase his own contribution, seeing as he's unemployed and presumably at home more than the flatmate and therefore using more broadband and "electric" than the others.

The guy being there while the flatmate is at work is unacceptable, end of. But I'd be verrrrrrry careful about how you approach any other arguments, OP.

tony1kenobi

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I would assume they are paying half when you add their contributions together (OP and his GF ) and sharing a room. The flatmate pays the other half etc?

In this case what the OP alone would be paying would be less than a third. He and his gf would be paying a quarter each. The flatmate would be paying half.

No way the OP would be fleecing the flatmate like that and have the cheek to look for more money.

3 people sharing a flat with equal use of all facilities means everything is split 3 ways. Two of them choosing to sleep in the same room doesn’t make a bit of difference.

ILoveYourVibes

tony1kenobi wrote: »

No way the OP would be fleecing the flatmate like that and have the cheek to look for more money.

3 people sharing a flat with equal use of all facilities means everything is split 3 ways. Two of them choosing to sleep in the same room doesn’t make a bit of difference.

Rent is per room usually. Utilities would be 3 ways.

I assume the OP and his GF are not sleeping in separate rooms but sharing one room. So they would be paying a quarter of the rent each split for that room.

I could be wrong. But that is always the way couples seem to do it.

Its not shafting anyone either. Its the same money for the same sleeping space. A lot of couples do it.

Makes no sense to be sleeping in separate rooms as a couple. Makes no sense to be renting out a room for double what you would rent it out to a single person for.

I mean if they split the rent THREE Ways and the OP and his gf are sharing a room that is THEM getting shafted.

And why would you live with your gf and sleep in another room.

Most couples renting with one other person do it this way if sharing a room.

Occasionally they will rent one room to sleep in and another room just for storage or another use etc and pay for the two rooms etc.

But otherwise sharing a room is very normal for couples.

ILoveYourVibes

I mean a landlord would not be allowed to charge double the rent for one room just because its being shared.

I assume they are both double rooms since both are being shared regularly.

I just assumed the flatmate paid half the rent and the op and the gf split the other half between them as its what most people do.

Utilities would go 3 ways though.

I could be totally wrong though. So sorry OP.

Lex Luthor

When I shared a house with 3 other lads for 2yrs before I moved in with my then girlfriend
We all had girlfriends
They stayed over whenever they wanted, cooked for themselves, showered, etc
It was never an issue and we never said for them to contribute more
It was just acceptable by all

ted1

Dial Hard wrote: »

Two nights a week isn't excessive, imo. Anything more than that and I'd be having a conversation alright, but not about bills. Them paying towards him being there would just give them more "rights" in their heads, most likely.

Does the flatmate ever stay over in the boyfriend's place?

It’s over 25% if the time. Significant enough to affect bills and general use of shared areas

tara73

Could it be you don't like the guy and that's the main issue here? Because if you two are in the house together the whole day it could be quite nice to have someone to chat to for a while or drink a cup of tea together. Having some distraction for a while.

So my guess is you don't really feel comfortable or even like this person and the charging money is just a side effect, in general you wouldn't want him there at all?

ILoveYourVibes

Deleted User wrote: »

The rent is €975 a month and there is 3 of us my partner and I and our friend.

Thanks

How is that divided?

325 each? Also do you each have your own rooms? Even if you and your GF share etc do you pay for another room for ..storage or something??

Or do you and the GF pay for one room together at 490? Then your flatmate pays 490?

If you and your GF are paying 650 for one room while your flatmate is paying 325 you are being ripped off unless its considerably bigger.



Is that part of the underlying issue?

I've been on the receiving end of this and it killed long-term friendships for the sake of a few dollars.

OP, you're at home using more than a third of the electricity. There is not a change in hell the housemate is using more than you if they're at work. That's why things went sour when I was asked for extra. One of the other housemates was an absolute drain on electricity and I was now paying more than him.

It's also a far bigger difference between 0 people and 1 person in the house than it is between 3 and 4. The TV still runs for the same price no matter how many are watching it.

And no OP, he isn't making your internet more expensive. Unless things have changed.

Alrigghtythen

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Yeah the bills are spilt evenly but what annoys me is I’m not working at the moment and his boyfriend owns his own house works full time and has this place for free two nights a week

I just don’t think it’s fair at all

You not working at the moment would mean your in the house more often and are using more electricity, Internet etc than your working flatmate. Are you paying extra to compensate?

Rachiee

Two nights a week is very reasonable and wouldn't be affecting the cost of electricity and heating bar two extra showers which really that much, his being in the house isn't costing you anything and it would be totally unreasonable to ask to be compensated for what amounts to a guest.
I do think you have an argument about him being in the house when the other flat mate is at work however it depends on how long this is for if one of them starts work a couple of hours later than the other one it's not worth the argument.

tara73

tony1kenobi wrote: »

If you’re determined to go ahead and ask for a contribution I’d say four euro per week would cover it.

it was written in a bit of a cynical way, but OP, if you're still not convinced, it sums it up pretty accuratly.

4€ divided through three people makes a bit more than 1€/week for you to pay for him staying. And as others pointed out, you most probably use more electricity, heating in wintertime if you are in the house the whole day.

so at the end of the day you will be the bad one here looking for compensation from him.

And I still think it's not about the money, it's about something else which only you can answer if you do some self reflection.

corkboy38

This stinks of someone who's not working and wants to live the same lifestyle as when they were working but wants someone else to contribute to the cost.

Someone who doesn't live in my house constantly cooking in the kitchen as if they live there would bother me. The costs of bills of someone extra who is there for two nights is negligible.

Thelonious Monk

Ok so flatsharing f*cking sucks, that's the be all and end all of it. 2 nights though doesn't seem too bad, and yeah it'd annoy me as well because I love my own space and the more people in the house the worse it would be for me so I feel where you're coming from.
If this is the only issue you currently have with your lodgings you're doing ok though, there are always going to be problems with flatsharing. My advice? Do what you can to get your own place with your gf or just put up with it.

Xterminator

hi op

because you are not working you are home in the house significantly longer then your flatmate. therefore you are using more electricity etc than your flatmate,. therefore you should have to pay more towards the bills! That is using your logic.

Does that sound fair to you?

OP you need to take a reality check.

skallywag

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

... 2 nights though doesn't seem too bad, and yeah it'd annoy me as well because I love my own space and the more people in the house the worse it would be for me so I feel where you're coming from...

Agree completely, less people around the better.

It's pretty clear that the OP is more concerned about being apparently hard done re the bills though.

Which I find completely mean to be honest, unless the OP is seriously thinking of asking a few Euro each week and will take that 5 euro or so as some kind of win.

Something tells me that someone has a wife at home.

When I shared a house it never bothered me if housemates partners stayed the rounds of the clock. My rent nor bills ever increased. So no skin off my nose.

Food boundaries were respected in my case so if some lamb chop was constantly fleecing me grub I'd certainly want it replaced or a few quid.

Rent or bills though, never batted an eyelid.

Redser87

Having a wife at home would be a plot twist as the OP's flatmate is male!! But I agree, as long as he's not taking other people's food and if he's leaving communal areas tidy I wouldn't start a battle over 2 nights a week.

poisonated

I own a place and my tennants(my flat mates) often have their partners over but I would never expect them to pay me extra money.

ILoveYourVibes

poisonated wrote: »

I own a place and my tennants(my flat mates) often have their partners over but I would never expect them to pay me extra money.

I mean the OP would have to even ask if asking the guest to pay etc was ok with the landlord they are not on the lease etc.

JupiterKid

Sounds a tad mean by the OP to be looking his flatmate’s bf to contribute to bills and rent because they stay over two nights a week. As others opined, the flatmate’s bf could begin to stay longer periods of time and demand more residency status at the place.

As for the bf being in the flat when no-one else is there, that is a complete no no.

And the bf never having the OP’s flatmate over at his place...that seems a bit iffy. Could well be a bit of cheating going on there. Mind you, I’m being a bit nosey here to speculate on this arrangement as this is not the issue at hand that the OP sought advice on.

From hookup apps I tend to steer clear of guys who say that they can’t accom in their profiles or when we chat online.

BrokenArrows

Two nights a week is fair without having to pay extra.
If it expanded to 3-4+ nights a week then you may have a point.

It is that persons home too and they have the right to have their boyfriend come and visit/stay overnight within reason and 2 nights is perfectly within reason.

However if he hangs around the house when your flatmate has left then that is a problem with should be addressed. Once your flatmate leaves then his boyfriends should leave asap.

doughef

I think the OP is in love with the flat mate and is well jell 😂

ILoveYourVibes

Op you didn't specify whether you and your gf share a room or not. In that case you would be paying half the amount of rent your flatmate pays.

Ursus Horribilis

What does your partner think about this? Is he OK with the boyfriend being around all the time?

JupiterKid

JupiterKid wrote: »

And the bf never having the OP’s flatmate over at his place...that seems a bit iffy. Could well be a bit of cheating going on there.

Suss to the hilt. Why on earth would you want to be lounging around with others, at someone else's place, when you could have a whole place to yerselves, galloping each up the stairs and down the stairs, peace and quiet, not imposing on anyone, etc.



Quick question actually OP, is it the same two nights every week?

ILoveYourVibes

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Op you didn't specify whether you and your gf share a room or not. In that case you would be paying half the amount of rent your flatmate pays.

Also since the OP isn't working etc no wage this would make sense.

Is your GF helping you pay rent?

Are you sure you just want the guy to help play utilities because you are broke right now?