Sexless relationship

username47

Hi, I really need some advice. I've been seeing this girl for just over a year now. The nicest girl I've ever met, but we never clicked in the bedroom. For whatever reason I just could never climax when I was with her. It would frustrate me any time we would ever get intimate. So today I ended the relationship. But now I cant stop thinking I've made a huge mistake. She is the nicest kindest perfect girlfriend in every way except when it comes to getting intimate. Am I shallow and stupid for ending it with someone so great? I dont know what to do, I want to talk to her but I dont want to hurt her by being half in and half out of the relationship

sallyanne12

I'm sort of confused. You say you don't click in bed yet you say it's a sexless relationship. Was there very little sex or just you found the sex bad? Can you try to explain what turns you off her? Is she boring in bed? Do you find her attractive and fancy her? Any idea why you can never climax with her? Sorry just trying to understand better before advising but you are not shallow as you can't help your feelings and sex is important or else you're just friends

username47

Sorry my head is all over the place. We met a year ago online and clicked straight away. First time I've clicked with someone so quickly, it usually takes me a long time to make a new connection. We went on a few dates and we continued to click intellectually but I did not find her physically attractive. I didnt think it would go any further but she seemed to be really into me and outside of the physical attraction she was smart, funny, I had an amazing time with her.

The first few times we had sex it felt more awkward than anything else. I though with time my attraction to her as a person would translate over to sexual attraction but things never got any better in the bedroom. Over time we would have sex less and less often and eventually it got to the point were I would fear intimacy.

Ive never been good at expressing my feelings and I never talked to her about this but I know she knew. For whatever reason it boiled over with me this week and I told her I didnt see the relationship going any further and we broke up. But now that its done I cant help feeling I've thrown away the best relationship I've ever had simply for issues in one aspect that lies with myself. I really want to talk to her but the last thing I want to do is hurt her any more. I dont know what to do.

Upforthematch

username47 wrote: »

I did not find her physically attractive.

I cant help feeling I've thrown away the best relationship I've ever had simply for issues in one aspect that lies with myself. I really want to talk to her but the last thing I want to do is hurt her any more. I dont know what to do.

You say you have issues in one aspect.... physical attraction. If that is not there it won't work in the long term. You have done the right thing here but you are recognising that this was a really tough decision to make.

If you still don't find her physically attractive please don't contact your ex girlfriend any more for her sake because you will hurt her.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Yeah, you don't find her physically appealing. You made the right call. Now, learn from the experience and move forward.

ILoveYourVibes

A lot of people have regrets after ending a relationship. It's not a reason to get back with her.

Just hold on. The feeling will fade. Its not very healthy to go back on that kind of decision so soon. And its not fair to her either very emotionally tiring.


She is probably someone you could have been friends with instead etc that would have worked better.


Its kind of why its better to date from friends rather than online.

You have been around them and know if you are physically into them. Online tells you more if you connect intellectually.


To be honest I think when you broke up you should have asked her to be friends. Probably would have been nicer for her too. Also your friendship would be genuine as you don't want anything sexual from her. Believe it or not that is a HUGE compliment for a woman. A guy wanting to spend time with you and no sex etc.

But breaking up with her was the right thing to do.

these things are different for men and women ....clicking with a guy can be the thing that makes you attracted to him more than anything I don't think it is that way for guys.

Dual wheels

username47 wrote: »

Hi, I really need some advice. I've been seeing this girl for just over a year now. The nicest girl I've ever met, but we never clicked in the bedroom. For whatever reason I just could never climax when I was with her. It would frustrate me any time we would ever get intimate. So today I ended the relationship. But now I cant stop thinking I've made a huge mistake. She is the nicest kindest perfect girlfriend in every way except when it comes to getting intimate. Am I shallow and stupid for ending it with someone so great? I dont know what to do, I want to talk to her but I dont want to hurt her by being half in and half out of the relationship

Thems my parents too

MSGSM

Right call. She sounds like an awesome girl but you will find someone you think is just as awesome as well as wanting to rip her clothes off. Give yourself some time to grieve the relationship and then get straight back out there.

Anna2834

I don't mean to sound like I am giving out however I don't understand why you let it go on for so long - 1 year?!? Sure, you would have realized there was no sexual attraction pretty much from the get go!!! Men tend to be visual creatures...or so they say.

Poor girl....please do not contact her again...:( and if you do, at least have the courage to tell her the truth...well I would appreciate it, that's for sure.

LegacyUser

I once was a similar position, my attraction wasn't great but the sex was great, her personality was the turn off so I ended it very early within the first month. Chase after the women who you are attracted to only, sexual attraction plays a massive part so don't forget that for the future. Grow some self esteeem and get out there again, have some one night stands etc. I have bedded dozens of women and been in amazing relationships, I have nailed down an amazing girl now and headed towards marriage soon. Go for it, but be respectful and the most basic aspect of sexuality is attraction <snip>.

LegacyUser

Plus one to above. I think you've posted here before while in your relationship. She is not the issue, physical attraction is not a slow burner. You've wasted a year of her life and probably caused a bit of devastation. Leave her alone to find someone that is attracted to her.

suicide_circus

if you found her so physically unappealing that you could not come you made the right call.

zapper55

Don't ask her to be friends its just cruel. Prolonging contact because you feel guilty is a terrible terrible idea.

You made the right call ending it. I'm horrified at the amount of married people posting on here who ignored the same problem thinking it would magically change.

A fulfilling relationship needs an element of sex, whether that be intercourse or other methods.

Honeydew3456

Totally the right call (see Zappers post about married people!!!!) but you are now obviously missing the friendship.

Don't contact her. That's selfish op. Let her move on and you will too. It's natural to feel a little lonely after ending a relationship. You will be fine shortly.

Henry Ford III

I'm at a loss as to why it went on as long as it did with issues in the boudoir.

Dial Hard

Henry Ford III wrote:

I'm at a loss as to why it went on as long as it did with issues in the boudoir.

Because denial is not just a river in Egypt and some people would rather fool themselves into thinking things will change than be single.

wiggle16

Henry Ford III wrote: »

I'm at a loss as to why it went on as long as it did with issues in the boudoir.

I think the OP made that very clear. He liked her a lot and he wanted to give it a chance, and he didn't want to hurt her - he felt guilty for not being "able" to enjoy sex with her, didn't think it was a good enough reason to break up. People stay in the wrong relationship for a lot of different reasons, often there's more than one. Not wanting to hurt someone is a common one.

OP you made the right call. You're feeling like this because you are a decent person and you're sorry you hurt her. But you need to leave her be, you'll only end up hurting her feelings more and confusing her by trying to be friends. Mind yourself.

Purple Mountain

It's your guilt talking now.
You 100% made right call.
She deserves someone who fancies the pants off her, as do you.
Disagree with someone's comment above about physical attraction is not a slow burner.
I agree that it wouldn't or shouldn't take a year but I think most of us have started out something with someone based on personality and common interests, only for them to morph into a physical god/ess to our eyes. Definitely happened to me.
Your situation happened me before.
Got on great, great conversations, good laughs, but for me I could not get a spark.
Unfortunately for him, I was everything he wanted.
I was torn up with guilt for a while too.
But it won't work.
Move on, don't reverse, and don't try to be her friend.

yosser hughes

username47 wrote: »

Hi, I really need some advice. I've been seeing this girl for just over a year now. The nicest girl I've ever met, but we never clicked in the bedroom. For whatever reason I just could never climax when I was with her. It would frustrate me any time we would ever get intimate. So today I ended the relationship. But now I cant stop thinking I've made a huge mistake. She is the nicest kindest perfect girlfriend in every way except when it comes to getting intimate. Am I shallow and stupid for ending it with someone so great? I dont know what to do, I want to talk to her but I dont want to hurt her by being half in and half out of the relationship

What makes you think you won't have that problem with someone else? I think you're not being fully honest with yourself.

Dial Hard

yosser hughes wrote:

What makes you think you won't have that problem with someone else?

Because he was never physically attracted to this girl in the first place. It's right there in the post.

yosser hughes

Dial Hard wrote: »

Because he was never physically attracted to this girl in the first place. It's right there in the post.

I'm aware of what he posted. It may well be they he also won't be physically attracted to the next girl he meets.
This is actually more common than you might think.