How to leave the woman I love

LegacyUser

I don't know what to do, but I can't exist like this anymore. I'm in a relationship for 16 years, I've very young children, and a big mortgage. My wife barely talks to me anymore, and when she does it's invariably to get me to do some family-related work. That's it. I get up and bring kids to care, go to work, come home sort the kids out. Each day the same. No relief, ever. No sex, no connection, no chats. Nothing. No relief, ever.

Marriage counselling, which I initiated, didn't work. I have made myself clear in so many ways that I need sex and that connection back. She has repeatedly promised she will change, and after a week of a return to old times, she reverts back to this post-child birth way of treating my existence under the same roof with neglect/coldness/functionality.

I've never cheated on her, nor would I. But I now know I need much more than this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. I've been so angry for months now - I wish she could see, could feel, how I feel at the way she clinically sees me as some sort of mere partner in raising children, as somebody with no feelings and needs of his own. Life is too short for this and I need to leave for my own heart, for my own sanity, to become a kinder, softer, happier man again. She says she still loves me, but she knows I'm withering here and she knows that the absence of sex, intimacy and companionship is the reason. She registers my words, but she thinks I'm "overreacting" and that I should be grateful for all I/we have. I just want to feel love now, to feel that touch. It has now assumed far greater centrality in my life than I could ever imagine it having.

I know I would be less lonely living alone than being here anymore. My beautiful, funny little kids need me, but I'm dying here now. They must sense my anger now. I cannot, cannot, cannot make her stop this coldness. Her entire world is about the children and, other than to assist her with child rearing, I have no purpose here. I certainly get no relief or emotional contentment from this post-child birth world. I never signed up for this, and neither were our years of pre-married life like this. I feel duped, but most of all I feel deeply lonely and unfulfilled and confused and empty and fatal about what my life will be like if I have to take this treatment any longer. The years are ticking. Life is too short. When I think of my finances on top of everything, the word 'trapped' keeps recurring to me when it comes to my options.

How do I leave this and start living my life again? With childcare and mortgage payments I have no spare money and it will be two years before the youngest is finished childcare. I could move "home" to my parents, but as I'm a deeply private man, I really do not want to involve family or friends on top of everything else. I'm craving privacy now; I just want to curl up and hide away from the world and get all this out of my system. Rationally, I obviously know I cannot do that regarding my children. I don't have the money for a solicitor, and even if I did all I really want is her to show me love again. If she cannot, I want to leave her life without delay and never return. She always says she loves me, but she keeps returning to this absolutist "It's all about the children" coldness in practice, and she just will not see that they cannot have a Dad under the same roof as their mother unless the mother can show their Dad she loves him. I want her to wake up and see that I'm not just some functionally useful father of her children, and I just don't know how I can wake her up.

strandroad

I'm not sure what you're telling us about your wife; that she is failing you because she planned it that way, or that she is distant because she is dealing with something only won't face it?

Upforthematch

Hi, sorry to read about how distressed you are and how you're feeling lonely and duped.

Sex and intimacy aside, do you and your wife have any fun or laughs in your relationship?

LegacyUser

How many children do you have & what ages are they?
Does your wife work outside the home?
Did she experience any physical injuries as a result of the pregnancies?
Have you family living closeby?
Do you take breaks/go on dates as a couple?

The first few years of child rearing are TOUGH, man. Friends of mine had 3 boys under the age of 3,& admitted wryly "it's all about survival right now"!!!
Definitely your wife is picking up on your frustration& hostility; she's known you for 16 years; she's not a fool.
Watch motivional speaker Tony Robbins "How to save a marriage".
Read "The Course of Love" by Alain du Botton.
You can do this.

ILoveYourVibes

A wife should never become immune to her husband's seduction.

I am sorry OP.

pwurple

You say very young children... Have you considered that your wife may have post natal depression? This can last several years for some women.

Hormones are a rough road sometimes.

I would take it in steps. Is there a spare room you can move into?

It's understandable to feel the way you do.

I'd also recommend going to see a doctor and discussing how you feel.

vargoo

Take the kids to your parents for awhile, at least 2/3 nights.

Let her be alone for some time, see if that has an affect.

Another day

When a marriage is dead there is no reviving it unless both want to. Your wife doesn't, for whatever reason.

You sound like you need a break and breathing space to review your life and future. Could you go to your parents for a little while? It isn't a failure to do this, your parents probably have seen the signs and don't want to interfere so please talk to them.

I think counselling would help, for you not the marriage. If you decide to stay you will get coping skills, advice, a sounding board. Believe me there is nothing more lonely than feeling unwanted, uncared for, and being taken for granted and you need an outlet which counselling will provide.

Best of luck

Nikki Sixx

You sound too nice for this woman/ the world. Are you a push over, who is easily manipulated? Are you a supplicating male,in other words groveling at your wife’s feet? I’m not criticizing you, but I wonder if that’s how you come across. It sounds like she has lost attraction for you. It could be that you are too much of a nice guy and need to be more of a dominant male than you are. She shouldn’t be wearing the trousers/ holding all the cards. Tell her you are moving out and rent a room near your kids for the summer months. She is treating you like a doormat. You need to show her some attitude, you need to show her that you value yourself.

Nikki Sixx

pwurple wrote: »

You say very young children... Have you considered that your wife may have post natal depression? This can last several years for some women.

Hormones are a rough road sometimes.

Please don’t make excuses for her, she is treating him like dirt. It’s not about a lack of sex. It’s about a lack of respect/human decency towards this man

Calltocall

Op that’s tough going, your post is very honest/sad, I don’t think it comes down to being more dominant etc etc I think it happens in a lot of long term relationships with kids, I think things can just fizzle out and then the lack of intimacy becomes the norm, it’s up to you to make the big decision, you will either have to leave or find a way to accept how things are but I wouldn’t accept that option myself, you’re right to feel angry upset etc as you said life is too short

vargoo

Calltocall wrote: »

Op that’s tough going, your post is very honest/sad, I don’t think it comes down to being more dominant etc etc I think it happens in a lot of long term relationships with kids, I think things can just fizzle out and then the lack of intimacy becomes the norm, it’s up to you to make the big decision, you will either have to leave or find a way to accept how things are but I wouldn’t accept that option myself, you’re right to feel angry upset etc as you said life is too short

Absence makes the heart.....etc


Time apart. Go from there.

StudentDad

OP it sounds like your life has been sucked into the horrible vortex of work - kids - sleep - work. I'm not saying dump all the caring duties onto your wife. What I am saying is do not be afraid to live for you. There is life outside of that routine. You have known this woman for a large chunk of her life. She's probably still there under all the work of child rearing. She could just be exhausted from that. Sex is very important I agree. I'd suggest that you stop asking for it. She isn't a filling station where you rock up and say 20 euros petrol please. Make time for her and yourself. Give the kids to a childminder or a granny or trusted friend. Go to the movies, go for a pint or whatever, but do not mention sex good bad or indifferent. Spend time with her, as a person. Let her be her. It may take a week, a month or six months. Let her see that you value her for who she is and not just a source of gratification. Also, get out and do stuff for yourself. Go play a football match with your mates, whatever and the flip of that is to say to her. Go, do your thing for a while, I'll mind the kids.

Just my tuppence worth.

pwurple

Nikki Sixx wrote: »

Please don’t make excuses for her, she is treating him like dirt. It’s not about a lack of sex. It’s about a lack of respect/human decency towards this man

It’s not an excuse at all. It is a very real illness that causes women’s personalities to completely change. Change/loss of emotions is one of those symptoms. I remember it well, I had it myself about 8 years ago.

Checking if a possible short term illness is contributing is certainly easier than tearing the family apart, as a first step.


And what other posters have said above is true too. Small children suck emotional reserves out of you, they are very needy when young. An introverted person, or people who are not huggers, can easily feel “touched out”, when children are touching you all day long. People need some time without someone wanting a piece of you and it doesn’t happen with small children. There were certainly times with small kids, who have a hand or mouth on you all day long, when another person reaching out touching you (husband) can make you wince and recoil.

LegacyUser

Op just to offer some hope to you I probably could have written your post word for word a few years ago. We had two kids one after the other and it nearly finished our marriage if I’m honest. The second was a surprise:)

My wife in particular does not have great coping skills and was always always in bad form during their first couple of years. The kids were well cared for between us but boy did it take a toll on our marriage. Survival is a good way of putting it, it wasn’t living anyway.

There were weeks on end that my wife barely spoke to me, and I was not one of those useless fathers, I did every bit as much as my wife in terms of caring for the kids and gave her a total break to do whatever she wanted as often as I could (not reciprocated mind you). Sex vanished from the relationship entirely and I did wonder was this it for the rest of out lives. At that point I was planning to end the relationship once the kids were old enough for one of us to cope on our own with them. I researched family law and had all the financial aspects worked out even. Seems crazy now.

Once they started getting older thing improved bit by bit and especially once the youngest hit school. My wife returned to work and childcare and child rearing became very manageable, kids become more independent and they need you less.

We are better off emotionally, financially etc. Our relationship is much improved and we have sex a few times a week usually. We go for dinner, cinema etc like any other couple. You can turn it around if both parties want it. Does you think your wife wants to save the relationship?

cannotlogin

I think your wife is trading off the fact that she knows you're a good man, one who loves his kids and one who will try to keep the family unit together.

Does she have any real fear of you living? Maybe she needs to realise what is at stake. When you say marriage counselling didn't work, what to do mean? Did she just quit? Did you both give it a real chance? Discuss what is at risk if things don't change etc?

Is she ok with her marriage falling apart? Does she care? Does she still love you even if she doesn't show it?

You post is very considerate. It doesn't blame or and isn't harsh, would you should it to her? Does she really know how you feel or does she just (rightly or wrongly) feel pestered for sex? To me, it looks like it's more about affection & caring than just sex, does she understand that?

Make it clear what she has to lose, she may accept it & be fine with it or it may just give her a much needed wake up call.

TheBoyConor

Tell her things change or you walk.

LegacyUser

Your kids at very young, you went and decided to have a family with this woman, don't bail on them so soon, give it til the kids aren't sucking every moment of your wife's time, you owe it.to her to take a step back for a bit. She's made it clear and honestly anyone I know with more than 1 small child will echo and say the same, it really is just survival for the first few years. What were you expecting, that kids wouldn't mean a step back for you two for a while? That's what starting a family means, you out your own needs on hold at least at the start...

LegacyUser

Do the last 16 years count for nothing?
Ask any& every family with babies& toddlers- the exhaustion& boredom is crippling. What you're experiencing is standard.
Sex requires energy. When you're chronically sleep deprived, it's nigh on impossible to muster ANY energy.
Also, she's probably doing you both a huge favour in not risking another pregnancy right now?
This is the ultimate test of your marriage. If you can look at the bigger picture& temporarily shelve the sex for the moment, you'll come out the other side stronger than ever.

loalae

I feel like my husband could have written this post.

Having a baby has completely changed my sex drive, my body feels like it's not my own, sleep deprivation and being at the constant beck and call of a tiny unreasonable dictator have taken all of my energy and, at the moment, my husband's desire to have sex leaves me cold and sometimes resentful. My baby is 9 months and I hope that in the future I will enjoy sex properly again but it has been a really difficult time in our relationship and I miss the way I used to feel during sex and intimacy.

I understand why it must be so difficult for you. Sex and intimacy are important parts of a relationship and it's unreasonable for one partner to decide unilaterally that it's not happening anymore. You are both equally important in the relationship. I think the discussion with your wife needs to be about why she's behaving in this way. If it's because of stress, hormones, or depression then that's fixable with lifestyle changes and/or counselling but if it's just that she doesn't want to anymore then you have to make a choice about whether this is the kind of relationship you want to have forever.

LegacyUser

I faced a similar situation when my kids were small. I felt very isolated.

When I nearly lost her and my kids, I woke up and realized that I had a big part to play in owning my happiness and the health of the marriage.

My wife was working full-time, earned more and did the majority of the childcare. She was burnt out. We also had a sick child. I am also someone who needs alone time — and I struggled to be present to the family.

Looking back, I think she resented my lack of support for her during this time, and that created a distance between us. We worked our way back but it started with me acknowledging my own shortcomings and fears- and that helped to spark some connection.

I don’t mean to sound unsupportive - but want to focus on what you can control because you cannot control her.

Have you considered your part in this dynamic? You mention feeling angry, have you been aggressive towards her? No one owes anyone sex, as you know- and if you’re angry or frustrated - it’s understandable that she may not feel the desire.

Finally, are there other aspects of your life that could bring you connection? You mention that you’re a private man too— and yet we all crave connection. Do you have friends you can meet and connect with or other interests you can be involved in?