Realistic expectations for meeting new people in late 30s

LegacyUser

Im male late 30s and I have no friends outside of a few decent acquaintances in work. Its my own fault, I never put myself out there. I had low self esteem for years so It was a mix of me not caring about myself and expecting people to hate me from the instant they saw me.

After some counselling, I have been slowly gaining more self-worth and I am getting a better opinion of myself. My big problem is I still expect all social occasions to be perfect, even though that's not logical. My view on meeting new people is always: I check them out on Facebook beforehand if they are part of a club im interested in, and I picture in my head how the meeting will go, and that they will find me fascinating and interesting and want to be my friend, then it starts from there. Deep down, I know meeting new people is always a mixed bag- some will like you, others dislike you and vice versa but im trying to keep that thought in my head when I meet new people so that im not as disappointed if it didn't go well or if I don't take to someone I thought might be cool on Facebook.

Even reading that last paragraph, it sounds like im nuts! Im trying to change my mindset on this but its very hard. Its like my mind knows just to put yourself out there until you meet a group/find an activity you like and take it from there but this other side of me is trying to come off all mysterious and interesting just to get people to take notice, and I know that's a bad way to mix with others. You need to be interested in people instead of forcing them to be interested in you. Can anyone please help me to adjust this thought as its causing me a lot of pain and making it impossible for me to just relax and be myself.

Maybe I don't know who I am, even at 38...and that's such a sad thought I wouldn't know what to do with it. Any insights are welcome. Thanks.

zoobizoo

There are plenty of people with low self esteem who are seeing other people / married. Keep up the therapy.

I think that you get to know who you are through interacting with others ... or you learn more about yourself, the type of people you like, the types of conversation you like etc. so meeting people you get on with and who don't get on with teaches you something about yourself .

I found that by being a bit more chatty, a bit more opinionated (not bolshy or rude or obnoxious but having a firmer idea of what I believe in and not being afraid to express it - nothing too political mind) and a little more honest and genuine (rather than trying to be something I;m not) that I started getting on a lot better with people similar to me.

Maybe go through some mental exercises before your next evening out - like asking yourself "and what would happen if the night didn't end in everyone wanting to be my friend and finding me the most interesting person they'd ever met".... "would I be happy with having one decent conversation?"..... "how many other people here are just decent heads wanting to get on with other people?".

Maybe also stop checking things out on FB prior to an event.


I made better friends in my 30s than my 20s. There are plenty of people out there wanting to connect with like minded people. Good Luck.

antix80

Sounds like you're living in your head instead of the real world. Your overthinking and your fairy tales aren't doing you any favours.
You want to be seen as mysterious and interesting, but there's nothing mysterious or interesting about looking up people on facebook and fantasising that they'll take to you because of characteristics that - in real life - you don't really possess. In real life, your behaviour might come across as unsettling, needy, shy, obnoxious.. or maybe, you come across as perfectly fine and people just don't take much notice of you, which also seems to upset you.

Sorry if I'm off in my attempt at analysis. But the advice I'd give is, if something isn't working, stop doing it.
There is no way you'll get to know someone through their facebook profile. So maybe stop checking facebook before meeting people. Better yet, try not to form opinions about people before you get to know them. Don't play out idealised conversations or scenarios in your head - no one can live up to those expectations, and they probably don't even realise you have those expectations of them. Similarly, they probably won't have super high expectations of you. Many are probably more interested in the group activity rather than establishing a deep friendship with people in the group.

Next group/activity you join, do it for yourself rather than to meet people. Maybe pick an activity you really want to be good at. Or pick something that takes you out of your comfort zone a bit. You'll be forced to concentrate more on the activity rather than wasting time seeking the approval of other people-maybe that will be good for you. The buzzword is "mindfulness" but that's what I'm suggesting. Give all your concentration to what you're doing, rather than playing out fake scenarios in your head.

Another suggestion... Do you have a partner or family? If not, maybe that's the sort of company you should be seeking out rather than the company of individuals in a group. As I said, not everyone in those groups is looking for a deep friendship or relationship-some just want to engage a hobby in a social setting for an hour a week.