Boyfriends unhealthy diet

LegacyUser

We're both in our 30's, My boyfriend has a really unhealthy diet, he lives on ice cream, sweets and unhealthy food, he has a gym membership that he uses once or twice every couple of weeks but not enough for it to keep him fit and healthy. All he does most days after work is sit on the coach. If his weight starts to get out of hand he will make an effort to lose the excess but will then resume his unhealthy habits.
I hate to say it as I know how shallow this sounds but im finding him less and less attractive as time goes on. Its effecting our sex life as feeling his rolls of fat when we get intimate is a turn off, not to mention his heavy weight means some positions just arent possible for us.

To look at him he doesnt look obese or over weight as he has a skinny frame so maybe this is why it isnt bothering him but he's just so lazy, he wont even cook a proper meal for himself, he lives on cheap ready meals from the supermarket and not prepare anything healthy or fresh for himself.

Its not just about the physical, im worried about his health and his mental well being, I know if I eat unhealthy and dont exercise for more than a week straight I become tired, depressed and run down. Im worried that his unhealthy diet and lifestyle will cause him to get depression and will cause other health conditions.

I like to stay healthy, I eat well, I go to the gym regularly, I do like to treat myself too, love ice cream, chocolate and the odd takeaway but majority of my diet and lifestyle is healthy. I think its really important to look after yourself.

When we met he told me that he eats healthy, goes to the gym and really cares about his diet but I havnt seen this, since we started dating he has eatin nothing but unhealthy food. Anytime I go back to his house, he stops off at a shop and buys a bag full of chocolate, jellys, ice cream and sweets and a big bottle of coke. Every day he sends me pictures of himself with a tub of ice cream or packet of sweets.

I dont want to try and change who is and I dont want to hurt his feelings in anyway or make him feel less attractive but his diet and lifestyle is so bad.
I think its effecting me because my mam had an unhealthy diet and lifestyle like this her whole life, now she's a bit older and she has so many health problems, her teeth are rotting and falling out and the years of neglect have resulted in her body gradually deteriorating, its one thing after another, she has two separate hospital appointments today alone for two different illnesses and its all down to years of bad nutrition. I can just see him going the same way.

Is there anything I can do to encourage him to look after himself more?

Dial Hard

Badnutrition wrote:

Is there anything I can do to encourage him to look after himself more?

I don't really think so, no. He's an adult and he knows he's eating crap.

You do have my sympathy, though, a fussy/poor eater is a full-on dealbreaker for me in dating. Some people find that utterly bizarre and weird but I'm a huge foodie and absolutely LOVE cooking and eating out and someone being able to share those things is hugely important to me.

Do you ever cook for both of you? If so, does he eat those meals ok? If he does, it sounds like it's laziness rather than anything else. You might have some hope in that case if you can manage to spark an interest in cooking somehow but if he's just a fussy eater then I think you're goosed, tbh, unless you have the patience of a saint.

suicide_circus

he's clearly heavily addicted to sugar which is a hard one to break but if you dont fancy him anymore he needs to know to give him a chance to fix this.

i dont quite get the "rolls of fat" and "skinny frame" bit though...

.......

Its a very judgemental post.

You are judging your boyfriend on his eating habits. And you are judging your mother. Bad teeth can have a genetic component you know and even those with wonderful diets can have poor dental hygiene.

Fundamentally, people are entitled to live their lives as THEY please and not as you want them to live. You are not someones jailer, dictating what they can and cant do or what they can and cant eat. Its a desperately controlling and unattractive trait to try to control someone elses diet.

If you dont like how your boyfriend eats or lives his life, then move on, let him find someone he is compatible with.

Your big fear is that he will end up with health problems as a result of his lifestyle, well Im sorry to break it to you, but the healthiest people end up with terrible health issues despite having a healthy lifestyle. Cancer, stroke, heart attack and a myriad of other things can all strike no matter how well you look after yourself.

LegacyUser

I think it is understandable that it is a turn off for you, self-neglect is not attractive. And honestly when it's present in an adult in their 30s it's a bit sad really.

I love sweet foods, but like you I consider them more of a treat rather than a large portion of my diet. I used to be like your boyfriend, though. Until I saw what I was doing to myself and where I was going to end up if I didn't cop on to myself.

I don't think you can make him eat right, that's up to him. He needs to want to do it for himself. But you can have a frank and honest conversation with him - and yes, tell him that it's turning you off. But if he doesn't want to change and you're being turned off, then I reckon there isn't much hope for the relationship.

There have been a few threads on RI lately about food and being healthy. It's an important factor to consider in a potential mate - important that both are on the same page.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

You can encourage him to look after himself more but you can't make him.

When he's buying these big hauls of junk to bring home when you're staying over are you partaking too? If so that's a good opportunity for "oh not for me thanks, been eating too much crap lately, I'm actually going to go on a bit of a health kick, might give up sugar altogether!"

If he carries weight well, goes to the gym occasionally and loses weight easily then he might genuinely believe himself when he says he's a healthy eater and fit person. I know it sounds nuts but it is nuts how misinformed people can be. One of my good friends in college struggled with her weight and energy levels and it took so long for it to get through to her that a diet consisting entirely of heavily processed food was the probable culprit (when I say entirely I mean ENTIRELY, I was on holidays with her once, we ordered orange juice and it was freshly squeezed, she looked like she was going to cry with disgust and was asking me "what the fcuk is that taste?!?" She didn't, at 20 years old, recognise the taste of actual oranges). Far as she was concerned she was buying the ready meals and stuff that said "low fat" "slimming world" and so on so she was eating healthily.

It's possible your BF is like that, it's possible that he's just lazy, and if he's eating that amount he probably is addicted.

If you do approach it with him come at it from the health angle, I don't think it's shallow to feel less attraction, you can't help it, but there's not really any non-hurtful way to do it.

con___manx1

i dont quite get the "rolls of fat" and "skinny frame" bit though...[/quote]

Two words (Beer belly)

tony1980

Don’t worry about the judgement, it won’t help you on making decisions. My advice would be, if he is happy doing what he’s doing and has no interest in a healthier lifestyle, then no need for you to judge him either but in my eyes, you wouldn’t be compatible long term, it will bring nothing but frustration for you.

These things are hard to deal with because you do want to take others feelings into account but if it’s not making you happy, make the hard call and move on and try meet other like minded people who are interested in similar things to yourself, whether it be cooking, Hill Walking, Running or going to the gym, etc.

If things just stay the same, picture 5 years down the line and what it will be like, how does that feel? It wouldn’t be fair on either of you, you would both be miserable!

Life is all about making tough choices, don’t hide from them because of avoiding conflict in the short term, you will be glad you faced them head on! Just be honest about how you feel, sometimes the truth hurts but at least it’s the truth!

Tiddlypeeps

How long have you been together?

LegacyUser

OP here.
I have cooked for him, in the beginning he would eat what I made but after awhile he stopped eating the veg on the plate and would only eat the meat and now if I offer to cook he says he doesnt want anything and says he's craving some chips or wants a takeaway.

I dont want to break up with him over this, I really like him, he's a good guy and we get on great together but he's already got stomach issues from his bad diet, he's been warned by his doctor to stop eating greasy foods. He tries for a little while then slips back into old habits, he doesnt seem to care and since we've gotten closer and more settled together in a relationship, he's become even less bothered about his weight and diet.

....... wrote: »

Your big fear is that he will end up with health problems as a result of his lifestyle, well Im sorry to break it to you, but the healthiest people end up with terrible health issues despite having a healthy lifestyle. Cancer, stroke, heart attack and a myriad of other things can all strike no matter how well you look after yourself.

The 'Healthy people get cancer too, so why bother' attitude is ridiculous in my opinion - You do you but I personally dont buy that attitude and think it's something people say to make themselves feel better for their own self neglect.

MissShihTzu

OP - Your boyfriend is a grown man, not a child. He is more than capable of eating well if he chose to, but he does not. The GP had advised him to change his diet, but he hasn't.

He probably knows he's not eating a good diet but has chosen not to. All the nagging and hints in the world isn't going to change that. He'll probably dig his heels in even more!

Leave him to it. If his frame is off-putting to you, then let him go.

WrigleysExtra

How long have you been together? Sounds like he has gotten comfortable and needs a bit of a shake up. If hes lazy and cant prep a few meals and look after himself then I can only imagine how this mindset gets pulled into other areas of his life.

meeeeh

OpHere3456 wrote: »

The 'Healthy people get cancer too, so why bother' attitude is ridiculous in my opinion - You do you but I personally dont buy that attitude and think it's something people say to make themselves feel better for their own self neglect.

I suspect the poster pointed out that cancer can affect healthy people because you are a bit evangelical about healthy lifestyle. I get where are you coming from and I wouldn't want to date someone who lives of rubbish and doesn't eat properly prepared food. But there is no magic solution. You can point out his flaws to him, cook decent meals and watch him not eat veg but I doubt you will really get anywhere and change him for the better without him wanting to change. I think you will have to decide if you can stay with someone like that and I think you already know the answer.

I eat relatively healthy and have active lifestyle. I'm married to someone who is obese, not necessarily into bad food but eats rubbish when working long hours. While I am worried about his health rolls of fat never really turned me off because there is so much more to him than his eating and exercising habits. You wrote a long enough description of your boyfriend and never mentioned one thing you like about him. Sooner or later we will all get less attractive and there has to be more than just looks that attracts you to your partner.

milli milli

When we met he told me that he eats healthy, goes to the gym and really cares about his diet but I havnt seen this, since we started dating he has eatin nothing but unhealthy food.

When the OP first met her boyfriend this is what she thought he was, so she thought she knew what she was ‘signing up’ for.
As it turns out, she was essentially lied to, so I think she has a right to be judgemental. No it’s not nice to be judging people, but why would her boyfriend be pretending to have a healthy lifestyle when he doesn’t?

OP I can understand where you’re coming from. This would bother me too. From personal experience (not to mention scientific research) I realize how important nutrition is on your overall health. Stuffing your body full of sugary treats is neglecting the body’s needs. Where is your boyfriend getting his vitamins and nutrients from?
Could this be a case that he is just ignorant of the role food plays in our lives?
You’ve already said he’s had problems related to this. I wonder if educating him on the role nutrition plays - without doing it in a preachy way, would help?

I did Home Economics in school and we all learned about nutrition and cooking meals. It’s an elective subject but I think nutrition and meals (not necessarily Home Ec.) should be a required subject for everyone in secondary schools. Everyone needs to eat, it’s kind of an essential life skill!

.......

OpHere3456 wrote: »

The 'Healthy people get cancer too, so why bother' attitude is ridiculous in my opinion - You do you but I personally dont buy that attitude and think it's something people say to make themselves feel better for their own self neglect.

Actually thats not the point I was making at all and you have misread it - but dont worry about it. Maybe people who self neglect do say things like that? I dont know, I can only speak for myself. I find it futile to worry about possible future illnesses based on lifestyle having seen so many people who lived good clean healthy lives being struck down by nasty illnesses and so many people who had dirty diets and lifestyles not experiencing that.

However, you cant control other people, you can only control yourself. So if your boyfriend doesnt eat the way you want him to eat and it does your head in then you would be better off with someone else.

listermint

....... wrote: »

Actually thats not the point I was making at all and you have misread it - but dont worry about it. Maybe people who self neglect do say things like that? I dont know, I can only speak for myself. I find it futile to worry about possible future illnesses based on lifestyle having seen so many people who lived good clean healthy lives being struck down by nasty illnesses and so many people who had dirty diets and lifestyles not experiencing that.

However, you cant control other people, you can only control yourself. So if your boyfriend doesnt eat the way you want him to eat and it does your head in then you would be better off with someone else.

Worry ? Future?

Have you ever considered people eat healthy and live a healthy lifestyle because it makes them actually feel good and better and pumps the body full of its own natural endorphins.

Perhaps it's not about dying young. But living now.

I read your first post on this thread and you opened with the op being judgemental. It got lots of thanks. Frankly I've no idea why because your post was every bit as judgemental as you claimed the op to be. And also added very little if any advice.


If the OP cares about this person and wants to help them get out of a funk, then fine they can try. Otherwise they can move on. I wouldn't judge them for either response it's their relationship.

.......

listermint wrote: »

Worry ? Future?

Have you ever considered people eat healthy and live a healthy lifestyle because it makes them actually feel good and better and pumps the body full of its own natural endorphins.

Perhaps it's not about dying young. But living now.

Yes, worry and future. Because that is specifically what the OP outlined as their fear. Worry that the BF would turn out like her mother.

Do what you want with your own life and body but you cant waste time worrying about things you cant control, ie, other people and their eating habits.

listermint wrote: »

I read your first post on this thread and you opened with the op being judgemental. It got lots of thanks. Frankly I've no idea why because your post was every bit as judgemental as you claimed the op to be. And also added very little if any advice.

Cool story bro, but just because you dont like the advice dont be so dim as to dismiss it as no advice.

listermint wrote: »

If the OP cares about this person and wants to help them get out of a funk, then fine they can try. Otherwise they can move on. I wouldn't judge them for either response it's their relationship.

IMO OP would be much better off with someone who eats a clean diet and lives a clean lifestyle as thats what the OP enjoys doing.

But its pointless to go out with someone who lives an unhealthy lifestyle and then judge and criticise them for it.

listermint

Lovely do you usually call people stupid when they call you out.

You're a solid winner today . Class A.

.......

listermint wrote: »

Lovely do you usually call people stupid when they call you out.

You're a solid winner today . Class A.

If you have nothing to resort to but personal abuse then you dont have much of a point to make.

This is an advice forum. People give advice. If you dont like the advice someone gives, grand. But it IS stupid to attempt to dismiss it as not giving advice.

Do YOU have any advice for the OP?

Or are you just here to be outraged?

listermint

....... wrote: »

If you have nothing to resort to but personal abuse then you dont have much of a point to make.

This is an advice forum. People give advice. If you dont like the advice someone gives, grand. But it IS stupid to attempt to dismiss it as not giving advice.

Do YOU have any advice for the OP?

Or are you just here to be outraged?

Stop right there.you called me dim. It's you that results to personal abuse and then attempt to brush it off .


Grow up sunshine.

.......

listermint wrote: »

Stop right there.you called me dim. It's you that results to personal abuse and then attempt to brush it off .


Grow up sunshine.

Actually, I told you not to be dim.

Maybe the old reading comprehension needs a brush up too eh?

SirChenjin

OP, if it is at the stage where you are not finding him attractive, because of this, then, difficult as it is, you actually need to have a chat with him about it.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Yeah if explicit medical advice isn't doing it then hints from you probably won't cut it. You'll have to have a serious, to the point talk with him.

I'd emphasise three points

You really love him, value your relationship, and want to be with him long term, you're concerned about his health both now and going forward. His eating habits and his health are already on a downward trajectory.

Your experiences with your mother are making this particularly difficult for you. You might want to soften your tone/language from what you uses in your OP for the purposes of this conversation.

This is a serious thing for you, you're not expecting him to transform overnight but you need to see a consistent effort.

Stay calm, stick to the point at hand. It won't be a nice conversation but you're out of options other than a) frank conversation b) wait and see c) try your hand at a sustained henpecking campaign.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

In similar situ myself, although to a lesser extent. BF also was really into fitness and eating well when we met. He also smokes. I got to the gym, not loads, maybe 5 hours a week, he gradually went less and less but now doesn't go at all and also relies on microwave meals etc.

He has gained weight but i'm actually still very attracted to him. I just really worry about his health. A couple of weeks ago, with regard to the smoking and the food to a lesser extent I just said that I really wanted him to be around for a long time and I worry about him....

He actually got a bit defensive about it and shut down the conversation at first but then a week later he remarked that I was right and he also needed to clean up his food and get back to the gym. He has been making a few small efforts which is nice.

But honestly, my main concern for you would be the way you are judging him, I couldn't care less really how he looks as long as he is happy. My real concern was just his long-term health, we're talking about becoming a family so it's imperative he's in good health.

I can't imagine being repulsed by him having rolls of fat, maybe we're together a bit longer than you guys, but it's weird it's about that for you.

Oasis1974

What kind of sweets does he eat?

blue note

meeeeh wrote: »

I suspect the poster pointed out that cancer can affect healthy people because you are a bit evangelical about healthy lifestyle. I get where are you coming from and I wouldn't want to date someone who lives of rubbish and doesn't eat properly prepared food. But there is no magic solution. You can point out his flaws to him, cook decent meals and watch him not eat veg but I doubt you will really get anywhere and change him for the better without him wanting to change. I think you will have to decide if you can stay with someone like that and I think you already know the answer.

I eat relatively healthy and have active lifestyle. I'm married to someone who is obese, not necessarily into bad food but eats rubbish when working long hours. While I am worried about his health rolls of fat never really turned me off because there is so much more to him than his eating and exercising habits. You wrote a long enough description of your boyfriend and never mentioned one thing you like about him. Sooner or later we will all get less attractive and there has to be more than just looks that attracts you to your partner.

She came on looking for advice on a problem, she doesn't need to provide balance to justify her being with him.

OP, I'd find an unhealthy lifestyle unattractive too. It would bother me. Aside from the long term implications (which are very real), an unhealthy lifestyle will reduce your energy and you'll have less of those good endorphins floating around from doing a bit of exercise. And physical attraction is important. If you don't find him attractive now, that's also a problem.

And people with unhealthy lifestyles can change, but tend not to. I wouldn't rely on him changing, especially if he's not making an effort to now.

On an aside, I'd probably find someone overly health conscious a turn off too. I want someone to eat chicken wings quite regularly and who's happy to not go to the gym when there's something better to do. It's all about compatibility, not right and wrong.

Tokyo

listermint wrote: »

Stop right there.you called me dim. It's you that results to personal abuse and then attempt to brush it off .


Grow up sunshine.

....... wrote: »

Actually, I told you not to be dim.

Maybe the old reading comprehension needs a brush up too eh?

Mod:

listermint, ......., the bickering ends here. Please don't post in this thread again.

tara73

I'm with you here OP, I could not live with somebody who's nutrition habits would be like this.
As you said and described what he's buying for himself in one go, he's addicted to sugar. Sugar addiction is an underrated addiction but very common these days.

And I don't get how many people advise just let him be, get on with it or break up. If he wouldn't wash himself (and we had threads here with this issues) everybody would say that's self neglect and not acceptable for a partner. I think it's the same in this case. He's severely neglecting his body, from my point of view in a much worse way than bad hygiene.
You are losing attraction because he's getting huge. It's a very understandable thing.

So I would advise, as a poster above, to have a serious talk with him. If nothing changes after that you can escalate further. But going black and white, accepting his eating habits because he's a grown up or let him go is BS imo.

SozBbz

....... wrote: »

I find it futile to worry about possible future illnesses based on lifestyle having seen so many people who lived good clean healthy lives being struck down by nasty illnesses and so many people who had dirty diets and lifestyles not experiencing that.

Of course, no one can 100% safeguard their health by living even the most virtuous lifestyle. It is indeed futile to worry about the worst things that could happen to us all on a daily basis.
That is not the same as throwing caution to the wind, ignoring medical advise and having a "**** it!" attitude.
You can't prevent all illness but you can reduce your odds of getting ill. You can make decisions to give yourself the best possible chance of living a long and healthy life. Thats all any of us can do and all the OP is after.

Her boyfriend is neglecting himself, ignoring his GPs advice and its likely (while not guaranteed) that this will have long term consequences for his health. His lifestyle sounds like the road to Type 2 diabetes and gout. Not something I'd find attractive.

I wouldnt want to commit my future to someone who behaved like that, who lacked the foresight to see the potential for damage, and who frankly isn't enough of an adult to recognise that even though takeaways are delicious, that they shouldnt be a regular fixture on the dinner menu. That lack of any self discipline and concept of delayed gratification would bother me, it seems very immature.

She can't change him, but she ought to consider seriously if he's the one for her.

osarusan

He can't fail to recognise how unhealthy his diet is. Doctors telling him that hasn't had any effect on him. Maybe you telling him that you're worried about his current and future health, and moreover, that you are not attracted to him any more, will have some effect.

It's a horrible conversation to have, but if you want to give this relationship every chance, you need to have it.

He has got to want to make those changes though, and from what I've read about it so far, it doesn't seem like he is too bothered.

jackboy

Usually when someone is not looking after themselves it’s because their self esteem is on the floor. They don’t believe they are worth it. So, the food issues and ignoring doctors advice is most likely down to his mental state.

AndrewJRenko

Badnutrition wrote: »

Every day he sends me pictures of himself with a tub of ice cream or packet of sweets.

This sounds unrealistic.