OH doesn't like sex, any hope?

trg

Hey, from reading other threads this may be common problem. Married a few years now and sex has become completely one sided. OH initiates nothing, has told me she doesn't like it actually.

I find she's just so cold in that respect, we've zero intimacy. Sex does actually happen as we're trying for another child but then it's a chore.

We have talked about it but nothing really happens. It is probably the lack of intimacy & coldness gets me as much as anything because we will have sex if I want it & when trying but the one sided nature of it really gets me down, she's just fulfilling a duty (not that it's a duty - hope you know what I mean)

We've kids and get on well enough but this is a problem and I am probably guilty of mood swings which don't help I guess.

Don't think there's a solution really tbh, she has said she doesn't like sex & there's no obvious sign of attraction.

LegacyUser

How long are you together? How many kids do you have& what ages? How were things before the kids? Are there any medical issues on her side as a result of childbirth? (post partum depression, pain, prolapse, other)

Individual& couples counselling will be needed if there's to be any hope of saving the marriage. Without intimacy, you're just housemates.

Sardonicat

Did she ever enjoy sex? Did you once enjoy a sex life with her?

Stop trying for a baby. Your marriage is on the rocks, what are you thinking trying to have another child!?

trg

Sardonicat wrote: »

Did she ever enjoy sex? Did you once enjoy a sex life with her?

Ah I don't think she did really. We had very little sex before marriage. It was frustrating.

Kidchameleon

Stop trying NOW.

Cyclepath

Sardonicat wrote: »

Did she ever enjoy sex? Did you once enjoy a sex life with her?

Stop trying for a baby. Your marriage is on the rocks, what are you thinking trying to have another child!?

Seriously, think about this point ^^

I made the same mistake many years ago. I don't regret the fantastic kids I have but jesus wept I regret the years of utter loneliness I felt.

Things absolutely won't get better in the scenario you describe. Having more children just traps you financially with someone you'll grow to hate because of that feeling.

Put your efforts into making yourself happy in the longer term rather than of avoiding confrontation in the short term.

Sardonicat

trg wrote: »

Sardonicat wrote: »

Did she ever enjoy sex? Did you once enjoy a sex life with her?

Ah I don't think she did really. We had very little sex before marriage. It was frustrating.

Can I ask you why you ( I mean both of you as a couple ) never tried to do something about this before?

It must be lonely and frustrating for her too. If you are to have any future together this needs to be addressed. It's not a problem with her. It's a shared problem that you both have and you have to tackle it together. Couples counselling and sex therapy.

For a start, lay off the mood swings. Are you affectionate with each other? If you're affectionate towards her is it always a precursor to looking for sex? These are things YOU can look at and start working on from your side if they are an issue.

And you're right, you musn't use language like 'duty'. She does not have a duty to perform for you and you do not have a duty to impregnate her via cold, chore sex. You both have a duty to each other address this, or at least try. The only way forward is to communicate with the help of a trained professional and listen to what the other says.

If one party isn't open to that course then you need to seriously re-think your future together. Until you have agreed on a way forward and taken the first few steps together STOP trying for a baby.

Edited to add: You don't "think" she enjoyed sex? Why don't you know? What were you doing to address her needs sexually for all these years if you were never sure if she was enjoying it? Didn't you ever ask?

LegacyUser

Not to be too cavalier but...when ye first started having sex was she into it?

Do you know much about your wife's sexuality, what turns her on, what she likes, how ti make her come- have you ever achieved that? Do you satisfy her? Is she or was she ever sexual even solo ie do you know if she watches sexy movies or masturbates? Do you two ever discuss this or have ye?

Would it be safe to say you assume your wife isn't into sex but you don't really know much about your wife's needs in that area?

There can of course be women and men that aren't sexual. But I think more commonly it's a case of women just getting frustrated and bored by their partners lack of hitting the right spots, they try to direct or maybe are too embarrassed to ask for what they like or don't know how to have that convo...and after a few months/years of patiently trying and hoping it'll satisfy you, you eventually give up trying as staring at the cieling or pretending to be into it for the sake of your partner gets tiring...could that be the case?

Go see a couple's therapist specialising in sex, or ask her to see one and start fixing this before ye go for kid 2 and end up divorced or very bitterly married

LolaJJ

Nobody should ever feel like a bad person for wanting intimacy in their relationship. There are other factors at the end of the day but being in a healthy relationship means that both parties are able to have their needs met without huge compromise on either side. Sex isn't the be all and end all, of course but it's a pretty damn important factor.

I'd second what the other posters are advising and hold off on trying to get pregnant and commit further to this relationship until you can achieve some kind of resolution. If you want this relationship to go the distance it's probably important to try and get her to chat about how she might be able to enjoy sex again, if she says she can't then she's expecting a huge compromise from you. When you guys are finished having kids - is it going to dry up altogether?

This is the type of stuff that leads people to having affairs.

I'd be having those kinds of conversations before having any more children together

osarusan

OP, if you believe that she never really did like sex, and you don't really think there is going to be a solution (to make her more interested in sex), then you have to ask yourself whether you are going to be able to live with the bleak sex life you have for the rest of your marriage.

And even though hindsight is no good to you, it's a question you should have been asking before you ever got married. It's absolutely normal to want to be wanted by your partner, and to have real doubts about a relationship if that's not the case.

LegacyUser

trg wrote: »

I find she's just so cold in that respect, we've zero intimacy. Sex does actually happen as we're trying for another child but then it's a chore.

We have talked about it but nothing really happens. It is probably the lack of intimacy & coldness gets me as much as anything because we will have sex if I want it & when trying but the one sided nature of it really gets me down, she's just fulfilling a duty (not that it's a duty - hope you know what I mean).

I was that “cold” wife. Looking back on it’s very easy to get out of the habit of having sex = days can turn to weeks and before you know it months become years. I felt taken for granted. I worked full time, looked after 4 children and ran the house. I wasn’t pushed about sex with my partner as he was the type of man who would roll over and fall asleep when he came. He wasn’t overly bothered about my need to orgasm occasionally.

During “my cold wife” phase I wanted sex. I wanted lots and lots of sex but just not with him. Our marriage ended and I’m now in a very fulfilling relationship. My advice is try to make time for your other half and no matter how hectic life is with children find time for some level of intimacy. Ask your wife what she wants, what turns her on. Is she stressed? Is she overburdened with family & work commitments? Can you help her more with the house and the children?

The bottom line is - You need to find out if your wife doesn’t like sex or is it the case that she doesn’t like having sex with you?

Xterminator

I want to come too! wrote: »

The bottom line is - You need to find out if your wife doesn’t like sex or is it the case that she doesn’t like having sex with you?

Actually the bottom line is for the partner who is being frozen out, the feelings are the same regardless of the partners motivations. The feeling of loneliness, inadequacy, the physical ache that you cannot shake.

Op your wife may not have figured out why yet. It could be a conscious decision,or a more instinctual reaction.

If she is willing to sit down and work on marriage and intimacy issues, under some setting there is hope. If she wont, then you are basically being given an ultimatum.

suicide_circus

totally baffled why your trying for another child when you have this problem. a new baby certainly won't help the situation!
has she ever raised concerns that your love life leaves her unfulfilled? its all very for her to say she dosnt like it but if she is not giving specific issues which can be worked on it sounds like she's not bothered fixing it

WrigleysExtra

Dead bedrooms seem to be an epidemic. Time to accept the truth that it's not going to change. Sex is THAT important in a relationship, either accept your circumstances or change them.

CPTM

I'm very surprised at the responses here. I thought sex died out in most marriages, especially after kids came along. I had to re-read the op to make sure you weren't a 21 year old in a relationship or something. The others will surely disagree, but aside from this thread OP, all I've heard from people in marriages is that it doesn't happen.

Ursus Horribilis

Do you go around asking married people about their sex lives?

pwurple

CPTM wrote: »

I'm very surprised at the responses here. I thought sex died out in most marriages, especially after kids came along. I had to re-read the op to make sure you weren't a 21 year old in a relationship or something. The others will surely disagree, but aside from this thread OP, all I've heard from people in marriages is that it doesn't happen.

:pac:
That’s what your parents said maybe. They were doing a bit of DIY with the door locked, right?

No , people can certainly get very very busy and tired with small children, and the frequency drops off when you haven’t slept in an age. all you want to do when you lie down is be asleep. But I would doubt most marriages go to zero. It picks up again when the children settle a bit.


I was going to ask the OP about the age of the children and how much exhaustion could be playing a part... but he was already asked, and didn’t answer.

CPTM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Do you go around asking married people about their sex lives?

Nooo they told me after I said I was getting married. Maybe it's just the guys in the office.

pwurple wrote: »

:pac:
That’s what your parents said maybe. They were doing a bit of DIY with the door locked, right?

Actually they had two separate rooms altogether. And the two lads at work who have 3 kids a piece have the same situation. They talk about it pretty openly. Aside from that, a lot of people are divorced/separated/having an affair. It just seems like everyone I've ever met who got married struggles with that. It's like humans aren't designed to fancy each other forever. Or maybe I should leave my place of work fast :pac:

Toots

That's certainly not my experience of it. I'd have just as much sex since having kids as we did before. In fact, the main thing that would impact the frequency would be work - like if my husband was having to go in really early for a week, we might not have as much bedroom time because he'd also need to sleep. The main thing kids affect is you have to give more consideration to timing and location - like you can't just decide to have a quickie on the couch on a saturday afternoon, or in the kitchen while cooking the dinner - you need to make sure when/where you do it, the kids aren't just going to walk in on you.

OP, to echo what other posters here have said, you'd be absolutely mad to keep trying for another baby while your marriage is in this state. I think you really need to have a heart to heart with your wife about this and look into seeing a couples counsellor who specialises in this area.

I want to come too!

I want to come too! wrote: »

I was that “cold” wife. Looking back on it’s very easy to get out of the habit of having sex = days can turn to weeks and before you know it months become years. I felt taken for granted. I worked full time, looked after 4 children and ran the house. I wasn’t pushed about sex with my partner as he was the type of man who would roll over and fall asleep when he came. He wasn’t overly bothered about my need to orgasm occasionally.

During “my cold wife” phase I wanted sex. I wanted lots and lots of sex but just not with him. Our marriage ended and I’m now in a very fulfilling relationship. My advice is try to make time for your other half and no matter how hectic life is with children find time for some level of intimacy. Ask your wife what she wants, what turns her on. Is she stressed? Is she overburdened with family & work commitments? Can you help her more with the house and the children?

The bottom line is - You need to find out if your wife doesn’t like sex or is it the case that she doesn’t like having sex with you?

Did you talk to your ex about this? Or just sat there secretly detesting him and waiting for him to work it out?

And housework and sex have nothing to do with each other. It does help other areas of the marriage but not the bedroom.

If you have to do housework to "earn" sex then your relationship is crap to begin with.

Sex should be freely given out of love and desire .. If it isn't its no better than prostitution.

CPTM

CPTM wrote: »

I'm very surprised at the responses here. I thought sex died out in most marriages, especially after kids came along. I had to re-read the op to make sure you weren't a 21 year old in a relationship or something. The others will surely disagree, but aside from this thread OP, all I've heard from people in marriages is that it doesn't happen.

It does seem to die out in a lot of them. A lot of my male friends have this problem. And none of them are happy about it. You can try talking to her, but all of them have talked to their wives to no avail.

You don't have many choices really, and they are all bad ones, especially with kids - be miserable, have an affair or leave your kids much worse off than they would otherwise be.

Certainly don't have another baby. Functional sex to get pregnant - I can't think of anything less appealing.