Worried-its over

alpahaeagle

I have been with my partner for @ 30 years, and will all was fine until the start of the year....





Let me give you the back story.....


I work in IT and for @ 10 years I worked in a telecom company....and will you could work from home and it had other benefits....I then stated a new Job where I am up at 5:15 and don't get home till @ 18:00...Some nights I am tried and it just catches up on you...anyway my wife was always in to her darts and that did not bother me....but now she wants me to play (I am not the greatest fan of Darts) so the last year I have played on the local team in the local league. My wife has joined the county team and now wants to try and make the Ireland team. I have fully supported her in this as I drive her to the Trails…but I feel I am been used just for the lift.


We only seem to go out to Darts and in the last 10 days there has been four nights out to do with darts.


We had a row last Sunday and yesterday as I was bored out of my head, I couldn’t have a drink if I wanted as I was driving on all these nights. I have been sitting there with no one to talk to and it’s getting me down.


She loves the spotlight been on her, and well the other night she won the final in the local pub and instead of having a picture with me she went over to a friend and had a picture with them. When she came back to the table I told her I felt insulted and she offered to have one with me. I said no as I was annoyed... This again happened last night were she won and again shook hands with someone else even though I was standing there, then came over to me.


We had another row as I said all she wants is the darts and should understand where I am coming from. She then said that all she wants now is the darts. So I asked her what she meant...and reply all she is interested in is the darts...I hurt her back by saying that the kid sat home would love to hear mommy say that.....I know I should not of said that but I was annoyed.


She keeps telling me I am to controlling, as I don’t want her to play her Darts…its not that at all, I want my wife back….


You could say I am seeing things that are not there, but I was outside checking on the house and a guy from the gym we are in (an instructor) went over and was giving her hugs…he could have been saying something in her ear but when I went back in the left…..again I am seeing something that is not there.


The worst thing is she does not even see the issue or is just ignoring it. Well anyway things were said and we sleep apart last night…she says she wants me out, of the house…
I don’t know what to do…I texted her today saying we need to talk and I don’t want to lose her….but I think it may be too late….She has been telling the kids that we are splitting up now....

woodchuck

OP it's obvious that you don't like attending these events, so why do you continue to go. Surely she can find another way to get to/from the event instead of getting a lift from you. Can she drive herself? If not, she can get a taxi (even part way to get to a public transport hub), cycle, get a lift from some else etc. It's not your job to be her chauffeur, especially if you're tired from the very early starts for work.

However, getting annoyed at who she's having her photos taken with DOES sound controlling. If you're going to keep going, I think you need to knock that on the head. Using your child as emotional blackmail is also a very low blow.

You also say you "want your wife back". Why not suggest doing something else on a night when she's not doing darts then? There's no reason she can't indulge in her hobby and still have time for you too.

It would seem a crying shame to throw away a 30 year marriage over something so trivial that can be resolved. I really think you should try to talk to your wife. Admit where you've been at fault, but also try to come to come up with solutions together. Perhaps marriage counselling would be a good idea if you have trouble communicating as a couple?

The_Honeybadger

I doubt the darts is the actual issue here, sounds like it was just the catalyst and the arguments you have had are more to do with an underlying issue with your marriage. You don’t break up over a trivial issue like that, it sounds like your wife has checked out of the marriage and wants to move on given she is the one pushing the split. I’d suggest a proper talk and marriage counselling to see if you can save the relationship before you do anything else.

On the darts issue if a lot of these nights are local to you why don’t you just drop her off and let her get a taxi home if you are tired and don’t feel like going. Do you really need to sit there if you are not enjoying it? There is nothing more off putting on a night out than dealing with someone who clearly doesn’t want to be there.

alpahaeagle

Thanks Guys


I will see about having a talk....but it is hard....I think she no longer loves me and is staying due to the kids.........


I asked her a simple question do you love me....she said yes....


Are you still in love with me.....she did not answer...

LolaJJ

Hey OP

I know there has got to be people reading this who would love their SO to have a pass-time or hobbie that they are passionate bout. Yea, she might be in the zone with it at the moment but if she is going for the national team, she must be really good at it!!!

I think you were wrong to also take it up as a hobby if it's not something you enjoy but her desire to have you there only really implies that she wants to share something she is passionate about with you.

I have a hobby that's a big part of my life and I would LOVE if my partner wanted to do it too, I know it's not his bag....and even though I feel like "Oh if he tried it his mind would be changed" there's no point in trying codding myself. But that desire to have him share my hobby is completely born out of love.

My suspicion is that she was hoping you would equally love darts and you could both enjoy a shared passion. You didn't enjoy it but made an effort. She sees you doing something she loves doing and presumes it's also enjoyable for you. You now resent her beause you feel she has made you suffer through all this darts stuff that's not interesting to you.

If you don't enjoy it and no longer want to provid lifts due to your understandable work exhaustion then let her know! This just sounds like a communication problem born from assumption on both parts.

Tell her you would have loved to share her passion but it's just not something you enjoy, but it's great she gets a lot from it and you support her goals. You've given it every chance and you'll go along to the big games but you'd like to take a step back from it as the volume of time involved is taking it out of you and making you grumpy and long term, something like darts shouldn't be impacting your relationship

milli milli

instead of having a picture with me she went over to a friend and had a picture with them. When she came back to the table I told her I felt insulted and she offered to have one with me. I said no as I was annoyed...

To be honest I saw this more of a ‘why am I not the first person she would think of to get her picture taken with’ rather than a control issue.
I think the OP is feeling used and taken for granted. And him being annoyed was due to hurt feelings. That’s my reading of it anyway.

If that is the case OP, you need to explain your feelings and what you think.
Although from what your wife has been saying, it does sound like she’s checked out of the marriage.

You both really need to talk to each other about your situation if you want to save your marriage.
Best of luck OP

osarusan

Hard to believe that after one argument about darts, she'd be telling the kids it's over between you. Maybe that's just the straw that broke the camel's back regarding other issues between you?

If it is just the darts, I'd tell her that you're not going to go any more (or at least not all the time). She'll probably enjoy it more if you are not there anyway, given the recent arguments, and you don't have to be bored and feel used.

jimmycrackcorm

Whatever you do, don't move out of the house.
If I was in your shoes I'd be asking her to do the driving to the events while I had a few drinks, relaxed and played on my phone or whatever.