Living Arrangements

kat20

Hi all,

Just looking for a bit of friendly advice about this.

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 7 months and plan on moving in together at the end of July when his housemate moves out so they need to find someone to replace him.

My boyfriend was mentioning this friend of his could move in. She's a girl and they have been friends for years and were close but he said there was never anything between them and I do trust him but I just want to enjoy the experience of living with my boyfriend for the first time and not have to share it with an old friend he's known longer then me. He didn't even ask my opinion.

It's both our first serious relationship and first time living together and I want to enjoy it. Am I wrong to feel that way or should I just not make a big deal about this girl?

Ursus Horribilis

Whose idea was it to move in together? It seems strange that he'd want a third person living with ye as well. Maybe 7 months is too soon?

The other thought that crossed my mind was money. Was he just sharing with this other guy and splitting things in two? Or was there ever a third person in the place?

Larbre34

No thats not on, I would feel the same if it were a male friend of his from the point of view that You deserve his undivided (within reason) attention at this important stage of your relationship.

In my own personal experience too, its difficult for men and women to have completely platonic friendships. There is a likelihood that they have some intimacy in their past.

kat20

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Whose idea was it to move in together? It seems strange that he'd want a third person living with ye as well.

Sorry I should have explained there is a third guy also living there so we weren't going to be living alone anyway and it keeps the rent really low which does help alot.

It's been his idea from the start.

kat20

Larbre34 wrote: »

In my own personal experience too, its difficult for men and women to have completely platonic friendships. There is a likelihood that they have some intimacy in their past.

I know he means well he sees it as helping his friend who has just started working in the city and getting the room filled but I don't think he realises that my opinion of this matters as well.

Ursus Horribilis

Would you be happier if it was a random stranger?

kat20

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Would you be happier if it was a random stranger?

I would be happier if it was a stranger.

Hoboo

Sounds like you're insecure of having a girl around that's a friend of his and you'll be competing for his attention/or you see her as a threat. Not sure of others experiences but I have lots of friends that are girls, and have lived with a few of them, and they're like sisters to me. I'd find it hard to believe he'd move in someone that he sees in any way but that, a friend. Maybe have a chat, and if it doesn't feel right then don't move in. If you can't trust him when there's a girl who's his friend under the same roof, how will you be when he goes out with the lads and rolls in at 5am.

Big Bag of Chips

So, 3 people currently live in the house and your boyfriend plans to replace the fella that's moving out with an old friend of his, and move you in too?

To be honest, the only one he should be clearing it all with is his current housemate who is going to go from sharing with 2 people to sharing with 3, including a couple. Having a couple in a house changes the dynamic, a lot.

If you're going to be sharing with 2 other people then I don't think you can use the argument of wanting to enjoy the experience of sharing with your bf without another friend there. Many people would prefer to share with someone they know. And if he has a friend looking for somewhere to stay it's reasonable that he offers the room.

Would you prefer if it was a male friend?

You're not even living in the house yet and think you get a say on who moves in? When you do move in, remember you are just one of a number of housemates. And right now, as someone not even living in the house, you have no right to dictate who they move in.

I do hope your boyfriend has the decency to discuss all this with his current housemate before just ploughing ahead with it all though.

kat20

Hoboo wrote: »

Sounds like you're insecure of having a girl around that's a friend of his and you'll be competing for his attention/or you see her as a threat.

I honestly trust him and would feel the same if it was a male friend of his he wanted to move in.

This is supposed to be an important step in our relationship and should be about the two of us moving in and getting used to living together but that gets taken over by having a friend move in the same time as well. I would be fine with it if it was after we had lived together a bit and then a friend moved in.

Ursus Horribilis

Can you clarify how many will be living in the house?

Big Bag of Chips

But the fella already living there is also a friend. So it's never going to be just the two of you getting used to living together. If you want that experience you're going to have to suggest getting your own place. If that's not an option then you are going to have to accept that you are living with others, who he already knows and is friendly with.

kat20

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So, 3 people currently live in the house and your boyfriend plans to replace the fella that's moving out with an old friend of his, and move you in too?

There is already a couple living in the house so it is eaiting till they move out in July and then I move in with my boyfriend. He already cleared it with the housemate who is absolutely fine with it.

I realise I haven't moved in yet and I can't dictate who moves in but you can understand the dynamic is different from a stranger to a friend moving in and I guess I wanted to enjoy this big step but it will be now more focused on possibly the both of us moving in at the same time.

Ursus Horribilis

When you put it like that, I feel sorry for the other housemate. This is the sort of thing that makes people not want to share with couples.

What is it that's the biggest issue? Him not including you in the decision, that the friend is a woman or that you can't have him all to yourself?

kat20

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Can you clarify how many will be living in the house?

There will be 4 people living together in the house.

Ursus Horribilis

kat20 wrote: »

There will be 4 people living together in the house.

4 is quite the crowd, isn't it?

kat20

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But the fella already living there is also a friend.

The housemate that is staying has only lived there a month himself so him and my boyfriend are still getting to know each other and they get on well. The guy is happy as he gets to bring his girlfriend more as the housemate currently there doesn't like houseguests.

Big Bag of Chips

You're jealous of another person stealing your thunder by moving in at the same time? You'd be happier if they moved in a bit later?

Why don't you move in a bit later? Let her move in first, get settled and then you move in a month or so later and then you can have your special time of settling in together?

You really have no right to dictate anything about other possible housemates. You're only together a relatively short time (there's a chance you could even be broken up by the end of July!!). If you would be OK with her moving in, just not at the same time as you and you have no control over when she moves in, why not just change your own moving date?

TheUnderfaker

A complete stranger could end up being a weirdo who puts far more strain on your relationship than somebody he already knows and is comfortable living with.

I think you need to just focus on enjoying this experience rather than getting annoyed over little things like this. If ye last in the relationship he's gonna do far more annoying things than this, believe me.

kat20

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

4 is quite the crowd, isn't it?

Yeah it is but it was the current house is like so it is just the couple that changes.

On your earlier reply I think it's the fact it is a friend is my issue even if it was a guy.

Ursus Horribilis

You don't think you're being overly controlling and territorial here?

kat20

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You're jealous of another person stealing your thunder by moving in at the same time? You'd be happier if they moved in a bit later?

Why don't you move in a bit later?

It is a good point and something I could consider and I appreciate the advice.

kat20

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You don't think you're being overly controlling and territorial here?

I don't mean to come across that way and it is why I am on here for advice as I said previously this is my first serious relationship so this is all new to me. I don't want to be that way.

kat20

TheUnderfaker wrote: »

A complete stranger could end up being a weirdo who puts far more strain on your relationship than somebody he already knows and is comfortable living with.

I think you need to just focus on enjoying this experience rather than getting annoyed over little things like this.

That is a very good point you are right I just need to concentrate on enjoying the experience.

Ursus Horribilis

Thing is, when you're moving into a 4 person house share you're not really moving in with your boyfriend. You're one half of a couple which is sharing with two other people. With the best will in the world, you're never going to feel like it's your own place. Unless you plan to turn into one of those couples who takes over the communal areas and makes their housemates feel like spares, you're going to have to interact with them. You've already taken against this friend without getting to know her. She could turn out to be a good friend of yours too (you are open to befriending housemates?) and a good person to share a house with.

kat20

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Thing is, when you're moving into a 4 person house share you're not really moving in with your boyfriend. You're one half of a couple which is sharing with two other people. You've already taken against this friend without getting to know her. She could turn out to be a good friend of yours too.

You are right to be fair I have mainly been looking at it as moving in with him and not the whole picture. The current girlfriend housemate takes over the communal areas and is controlling as to who can stay over and I don't want to be like that. If she does end up moving in I just need to be open and as you said she could become a good friend.

Big Bag of Chips

As Ursus points out, you really do need to realise you are not specifically moving in with your boyfriend. You are moving in to a house share with 3 other people. It can be difficult sharing a house. Have a quick skim through the accommodation and property Forum here to see just some of the issues that arise in houseshares and specifically for people who are sharing with a couple.

Just he mindful of others. You and your boyfriend can't really be snuggling up on the couch in the evenings for romantic nights in if 2 others also have use of the living room and television. People can often feel uncomfortable living with a couple and feel like they can't bring up issues as you are not dealing one on one with someone, you're dealing two on one and will always feel outvoted.

Big Bag of Chips

I really don't understand the current set up. There is no mention of a couple living there in your first few posts. Just one, male, housemate who is moving out in July. Who is the couple that is living there?

Hoboo

After reading your various replies and posts if I can give you a piece of advice it's this.

You're young, it's your first serious relationship. Move in with some girls and enjoy your youth, and move in with your boyfriend in a year when you're sure he's a keeper and you want to live together, and you're ready to share him.

Doesn't sound like you're ready for the next step, and either is he. Relationships are difficult enough, and if sharing a house with him and his friend is an issue, then just don't do it. Dictating to him who he chooses to live with in what is his home, will end in tears.

Enjoy yourself.and your friends while you can, plenty of time for nesting.

kat20

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I really don't understand the current set up. There is no mention of a couple living there in your first few posts. Just one, male, housemate who is moving out in July. Who is the couple that is living there?

It's the male housemate and his girlfriend who also currently lives there. Apologies for not making that clear.

You and Ursus make valid points which I appreciate that it is a houseshare and I don't want to be one of those people that takes over space I want to be fair and inclusive to everyone so I have a lot to think over.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it's a fair point from Hooboo. You and your boyfriend could be looking at this move from very different points of view. You see it as "moving in" with your bf. He might see it as a handy way to replace the housemate that's leaving.

kat20

Hoboo wrote: »

After reading your various replies and posts if I can give you a piece of advice it's this.

You're young, it's your first serious relationship.

Doesn't sound like you're ready for the next step, and either is he.

I appreciate the advice and I know it's the first serious relationship and some people might think we are moving too fast by living together but we are ready now. He wanted me to move in a few months ago but decided to wait to make sure it was right.

I think from everyone's advice I just need to realise I can't dictate who moves in, have to be respectful of the other housemates and just enjoy the experience.

kat20

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think it's a fair point from Hooboo. You and your boyfriend could be looking at this move from very different points of view. You see it as "moving in" with your bf. He might see it as a handy way to replace the housemate that's leaving.

He is a practical guy so you could be right he just sees it as an easy solution to replace the housemate.

Ursus Horribilis

He wanted you to move in together a few months ago? Even though even now you're only 7 months together. That's fast! Be careful.

kat20

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

He wanted you to move in together a few months ago? Even though even now you're only 7 months together. That's fast! Be careful.

To be fair as big bag of chips said there was a housemate moving out so he saw it as more of a practical solution at the time trying to get me to move in.

Idle Passerby

Your boyfriend isn't asking you to move in with him, he's asking you to roomshare in a shared house. Very different situations. It sounds like a bad idea for everyone to me. No one likes livibg with a couple and couples don't like living with other people.

With a bunch of singles sharing a house you have communal areas and a private bedroom to escape to when the others annoy you. And being annoyed with housemates is inevitable from time to time.

I think you see this as a romantic relationship step whereas your boyfriend sees it as a budgeting solution. It's actually a recipe for claustrophobia and irritation at such an early stage in the relationship.

zoobizoo

kat20 wrote: »

this is my first serious relationship so this is all new to me.

Take it from someone who has had a fair few relationships and has moved in with someone relatively quickly - probably about 6/7 months....

DO NOT MOVE IN!

It is way too soon.


Why the rush?

wiggle16

Edit: Re-read the thread and saw you already addressed the question I was asking. Apologies.

Big Bag of Chips

kat20 wrote: »

he saw it as more of a practical solution at the time trying to get me to move in.

I'd say this is still how he sees it. 2 people are moving out, he needs two people to move in. He has a gf, and a friend who would both be happy to move in, and it saves them the hassle of advertising and going through all the hassle of trying to find 2 more housemates, or specifically a couple to share the room that the couple are moving out of.

It might work for you. My husband and I moved in together very quickly, and by 6 months together had a mortgage and moved into our first house.

It can work.

Just be careful of your expectations of this house share, and his.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

From the existing housemate's perspective I can definitely see why he'd prefer to be in a four person house share including a couple rather than be one guy living with a couple.

I'm kind of struck by how quickly you took advice on board here considering how much it was bothering you! It's great how you're able to do that and recognise when your reactions to and readings of a situation are off, but I think a bit of introspection about why you formed an attitude that was pretty unreasonable and then so quickly discarded it wouldn't hurt. Living with three other people including your OH is going to require both fairly constant compromise and consideration on the one hand, and the ability to stand your ground when needed.

Checking yourself and examining your reactions is good, but ideally you should be able to do that alone for the most part. I'm guessing part of the reason you posted here is because you couldn't share this with your boyfriend?

My partner and I house share with three other people and it's mostly great even though I'm sure if we all had our druthers we wouldn't be sharing. While it is great it's not completely frictionless, and it's neither of our first serious relationships nor house share.

I agree it's a lot of pressure for a relatively new relationship, honestly I'd proceed with a degree of caution, for one thing I'd be very sure your name is on the lease.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

As a previous poster suggested, hold off - it's only been 7 months, get your own place with some girls and when you are both in a position to live exclusively together, then jump.

The early days of not living together are lovely too. I love living with my boyfriend but it's a totally different experience and you're relationship needs to be ready for it. We were lucky to be in a position to live by ourselves, it would have been really **** to have to share that with 2 other people, especially if one of them was some girl from his past that I felt weird about

Ursus Horribilis

I see you've started another thread in accommodation and property about this flatshare. Are you absolutely sure this move is a good idea? What's the rush? You've got an issue with this friend who will be going to move in. And going by the other thread, there are already issues with the existing flatmate and you're not happy about those. I wouldn't be either by the way but that's beside the point.

Maybe you should take some more time to get to know your boyfriend properly and learn how to communicate with him. 7 months is no length of time at all. This isn't a love nest you're moving into and that's why I think you should wait until it's just the two of you. If you're not happy about the two flatmates and you don't seem to be able to talk to your boyfriend about it, this is going to end in tears.

kat20

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Are you absolutely sure this move is a good idea? What's the rush?

There is no rush but we both are ready to live together. Of course there is the practical side of things that his current housemates are moving out that I move in and I know 7 months may seem fast to most people but it feels right to us.

Ursus Horribilis

What age are you both?

kat20

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What age are you both?

I'm 29 and he is 31

Idle Passerby

I'm surprised your late 20s/early 30s, I was thinking ye were a good bit younger. I saw your other thread and it just reafirms my opinion that moving in is a bad idea for you. Your bf is agreeing to let the other guy smoke weed in the house without your input, what does that say about how he see's your role in the house dynamics?

Moving in somewhere shouldn't cause this much stress before you've even crossed the threshold. If you really want to move in with your bf, find a place for the two of you and make sure he's not making unilateral decisions on your behalf.

kat20

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Your bf is agreeing to let the other guy smoke weed in the house without your input, what does that say about how he see's your role in the house dynamics?/quote]

I know I was quite hurt that he had already cleared it with that guy without even asking and knowing how uncomfortable I am around weed.

Big Bag of Chips

You don't live there yet. You have zero say in what happens in the apartment at this point, and your bf shouldn't have to clear it with you, and the other housemate would be within his rights to tell him where to go if he said he had to clear it with you first. Now you have to decide if you move into a houseshare where people are going to be smoking weed in the sitting room. If it's non negotiable for you, then you don't move in. It's that simple.

You cannot dictate to anyone currently living in the house and paying rent what they can or cannot do. You don't live there, you don't pay rent. By the time you move in you will be moving in to an established set up. You will not be able to tell the people living there that you want them to change what they do. They will tell you it's what's done in the house, so you like it, or leave!

I don't smoke (anything) so rather than move into a house share with smokers and ask them to never smoke around me or in the house, I just wouldn't move into a smokers house.

The more I read the more I think this move is a terrible decision for you. It will almost certainly spell the end of your relationship. Before you have even decided on a move in date you are not happy with his choice of housemate, or what his current housemate does in the house. Living there will just become unbearable for you, and you will resent your bf for not sticking up for you (or if he does stick up for you, you will become that clichéd housesharing couple that nobody likes because it's never a fair argument/discussion. It's always 2 against 1.)

You will 100% regret moving in there, if you do.

kat20

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

By the time you move in you will be moving in to an established set up. You will not be able to tell the people living there that you want them to change what they do.

To be fair this guy isn't allowed smoke in the apartment right now either as the roommate who is moving out doesn't like it either so all I'm asking is to stick to the arrangement that is already in place.

Ursus Horribilis

kat20 wrote: »

To be fair this guy isn't allowed smoke in the apartment right now either as the roommate who is moving out doesn't like it either so all I'm asking is to stick to the arrangement that is already in place.

That's water under the bridge now. He has been told he can by your boyfriend. If he backtracks, you don't have to Einstein to work out what happened.

LegacyUser

Hoboo wrote: »

After reading your various replies and posts if I can give you a piece of advice it's this.

You're young, it's your first serious relationship. Move in with some girls and enjoy your youth, and move in with your boyfriend in a year when you're sure he's a keeper and you want to live together, and you're ready to share him.

Doesn't sound like you're ready for the next step, and either is he. Relationships are difficult enough, and if sharing a house with him and his friend is an issue, then just don't do it. Dictating to him who he chooses to live with in what is his home, will end in tears.

Enjoy yourself.and your friends while you can, plenty of time for nesting.

I completely agree with this poster, aside from the issue you are asking about, you are too young to move in after 9 months with the first person you are in a relationship with. This is more than likely going to break you up rather than bring you together.