Teenagers and wrecking house?

Hannaho

I have two teens 16 and 17. I like to have their friends around as it means that I know where they are, who they are with and what they are doing. It's a large house, so they have an attic to themselves. However, my teens and their friends wreck the house, never clean up, break cups and glasses - not deliberately, but lots of accidental stuff - maybe 2/3 per week. They smoke in the attic, though I have told them not to. Ash left in cups and ashtrays brought into the house, butts in the garden. Rotting pizza left in bins, bins overflowing. Last week, 2 friends who stayed overnight - which I agreed to - got up and cooked in the morning, left mess everywhere, ate practically all the remaining food, and left the gas burner on on both days, full blast - basically the house could have burnt down if someone had left something close to the cooker.

One teen was blamng the other, but eventually I found out it was my son's friend. Today there was supposed to be some friends over for a party, but they refused to clean up the mess in the attic, the rubbish on the floor, the over flowing bin, or bring the cups with mould in them downstaris to be washed. I have arthritis in my knees, so need some help with this - I don't go to the attic unless I really feel it's a mess. I work 48 hours per week. I am a solo parent. I am in my 50s. I am wrecked. I spend my days off doing housework and cooking and freezing stuff. When they wouldn't help to clean up today, I cancelled the friends coming around for the birthday - I just couldn't face another clean up tormorrow evening after work. In other ways they are good teens, one works part-time, they both are doing ok accademically, they don't do drugs, or not that I am aware of. They don't drink like their friends do. They just can't see why I have a problem with their mess and lack of help. Any ideas? I am at the end of my thether with this.

shesty

I don't have teens but as I read your post I remembered something.I have a lot of cousins my own age, and I remember being around 16 and one of them having a house party for their 18th.His parents were telling mine afterwards that the party was big, some friends stayed overnight-but they (the guests) cleaned everything up the next day,took away the rubbish and cooked breakfast and cleaned the kitchen afterwards.This was a big family of mainly boys.

Just no, is the only way here OP.Clean up or nobody comes over.It's pretty straightforward.Would their friend's parents accept it?And even if they would, you don't.I guess they may tell their friends they aren't welcome unless they can clean up after themselves.

Theboinkmaster

Hannaho wrote: »

I have two teens 16 and 17. I like to have their friends around as it means that I know where they are, who they are with and what they are doing. It's a large house, so they have an attic to themselves. However, my teens and their friends wreck the house, never clean up, break cups and glasses - not deliberately, but lots of accidental stuff - maybe 2/3 per week. They smoke in the attic, though I have told them not to. Ash left in cups and ashtrays brought into the house, butts in the garden. Rotting pizza left in bins, bins overflowing. Last week, 2 friends who stayed overnight - which I agreed to - got up and cooked in the morning, left mess everywhere, ate practically all the remaining food, and left the gas burner on on both days, full blast - basically the house could have burnt down if someone had left something close to the cooker.

One teen was blamng the other, but eventually I found out it was my son's friend. Today there was supposed to be some friends over for a party, but they refused to clean up the mess in the attic, the rubbish on the floor, the over flowing bin, or bring the cups with mould in them downstaris to be washed. I have arthritis in my knees, so need some help with this - I don't go to the attic unless I really feel it's a mess. I work 48 hours per week. I am a solo parent. I am in my 50s. I am wrecked. I spend my days off doing housework and cooking and freezing stuff. When they wouldn't help to clean up today, I cancelled the friends coming around for the birthday - I just couldn't face another clean up tormorrow evening after work. In other ways they are good teens, one works part-time, they both are doing ok accademically, they don't do drugs, or not that I am aware of. They don't drink like their friends do. They just can't see why I have a problem with their mess and lack of help. Any ideas? I am at the end of my thether with this.

My children are only 1 and 3 so this is far ahead of me however I would expect when the time comes if they have friends over they will be responsible for their friends.

In this case if they don't respect your home and clean up etc. then no friends allowed ever. Simple.

Their behaviour is completely unacceptable so I'd come down very hard on them.

argentum

I think you also need to talk to the friends of your own kids. My youngest whos only 13 has sleepovers and does leave a mess after the breakfast with his mates.Anytime he tried to act big by saying leave the mess for my parents to clean up we had a word with them all at the same time to say they wouldn't get away with it in their own house and they wont be allowed stay again if they don't.It worked
My eldest two were also the same but when they were as old as your 2 I didn't even have to ask they all just cleaned up
The smoking / drinking is something you have to come down hard on as they are just taking advantage of you ...its your house ...your rules so no smoking simple as or no mates staying over and stick to it

topnotch

OP sounds you should lay down in the door way as they already think you are a door mat and are walking all over you.

Neyite

Punish both.

It doesn't matter who's friend does it or who is blaming who.

That's what I would do. It's what my parents did when my brother's friends would have made a mess then we put pressure on them to clean up after themselves as we knew it would affect us and our friends.

I'd lock the bloody attic room altogether for at least a month and let them go to their friends houses, cram into a bedroom there to hang out. They'll soon appreciate your attic space when they've got their friends mother roaring up the stairs to turn down music or younger siblings annoying them.

Then when you think that they and their friends are genuinely sorry for the mess, you sit with your kids and write out some house rules that all have to obey in the house -including their friends. If the friends break the rules such as smoking or damaging something in your home, the door gets locked again. They'll soon weed out the dingbat mates themselves who spoil their fun.

stargazer 68

Op you are the parent! I know its better that they are there and you know where they are but they are running rings around you! You are really doing them no favours at all in the long run. I agree with Neyite - no friends over if they don't clean up. Do they help any other time around the house?

Neyite

And change the wifi password. It gets handed out when the gaff is spotless.

At that age they should be equal partners to you in terms of housework and certainly be taking on the chores that your health precludes you from doing.

You are doing them a favour by teaching them those life skills. And you'll be doing their future partners a bigger favour by housetraining them now.

Zorya

Sounds like they are being complete pains in the arse, and teens of that age sure know exactly how to do that. It is a difficult time, they'd turn you into a tinker. And they are taking advantage of your exhaustion.

Don't argue with them - they have endless energy for that, take a kind of silly pleasure in it, in fact, and you will never win.

Just clamp down now, no attic until they keep the rules. But - and this is the big but - minimise the rules, don't pick on everything, not everything that is aggrieving you is equally serious.

For example I wouldn't be so fussed about the dirty dishes, that's kind of normal, a whole delph store inside a kid's room is par for the course. Keep some delph aside for yourself and when they run out of everything they might actually be forced to wash something.

The left over food in bins - smelly kids being normal smelly kids again, though I would mention to them the great possibility of rats. Heh, leave rotten rats pictures around the place for them to admire Make up gruesome posters on Weil's disease and plaster them on the way up to attic

Breaking stuff- again not the hill to die on - I know my adult kids have been home when there's waaaaaayyyy more broken glasses and cups to be dealt with. Co-ordination is a thing in young people.

The dirt they leave behind after cooking is also par for the course, it would drive you mental but it's not worth getting too stressed about. We call it the ''kill zone''. Ask them to clean up but don't expect a great job.

But leaving the gas on or smoking inside in the attic - that's dangerous and a fire hazard and has to stop. No deals on that. The butts in the garden might have to be tolerated to avoid fire hazard inside, though maybe some cool kind of butt bin in the garden might tempt them to be human beings. Which, let's face it, teenagers are not quite yet.

Sure, now you are thinking maybe they will go elsewhere and do God knows what and it was good to have them close by, but they will do or are doing crazy stuff anyways. So now if they won't stop being actually hazardous, they will have to find somewhere else less comfortable to be careless arseholes.

Good luck, only about 10 more years before their frontal lobes make them actual humans!

partyguinness

They are acting like 4 year olds and you are allowing it.

OP you need to lay down the ground rules and time for some tough love. I know its hard when you are on your own and other things going on but parenting is hard but they need a wake up call.

lawred2

Hannaho wrote: »

I have two teens 16 and 17. I like to have their friends around as it means that I know where they are, who they are with and what they are doing. It's a large house, so they have an attic to themselves. However, my teens and their friends wreck the house, never clean up, break cups and glasses - not deliberately, but lots of accidental stuff - maybe 2/3 per week. They smoke in the attic, though I have told them not to. Ash left in cups and ashtrays brought into the house, butts in the garden. Rotting pizza left in bins, bins overflowing. Last week, 2 friends who stayed overnight - which I agreed to - got up and cooked in the morning, left mess everywhere, ate practically all the remaining food, and left the gas burner on on both days, full blast - basically the house could have burnt down if someone had left something close to the cooker.

One teen was blamng the other, but eventually I found out it was my son's friend. Today there was supposed to be some friends over for a party, but they refused to clean up the mess in the attic, the rubbish on the floor, the over flowing bin, or bring the cups with mould in them downstaris to be washed. I have arthritis in my knees, so need some help with this - I don't go to the attic unless I really feel it's a mess. I work 48 hours per week. I am a solo parent. I am in my 50s. I am wrecked. I spend my days off doing housework and cooking and freezing stuff. When they wouldn't help to clean up today, I cancelled the friends coming around for the birthday - I just couldn't face another clean up tormorrow evening after work. In other ways they are good teens, one works part-time, they both are doing ok accademically, they don't do drugs, or not that I am aware of. They don't drink like their friends do. They just can't see why I have a problem with their mess and lack of help. Any ideas? I am at the end of my thether with this.

are you ever in the house?

theteal

Hang on, 16/17 is leaving cert age, they're basically adults. Time for the law to be laid down, OP, seriously.

Is there a need to be so protective (in that you like to know where they are)?

Having the resource of that attic is a serious gift and they need to start respecting it as such. Your house, your rules.

iamwhoiam

You OP have allowed this situation to happen and now allowing it to continue
You are in charge so take charge
Absolutely will you not tolerate this disrespect of your home any longer . You will not be allowing any one in your house who treat it like that
I had three teens and under no circumstances would we have allowed our home to be used like that
Stand up to this now and show them how absolutely dissapointed you are that they treat your and their home like this

Meauldsegosha

Two weeks ago you were posting about giving your 18yo a car as she has passed her driving test.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=110017505&postcount=1

She is not responsible enough to clean up after her friends but you want to give her a car. Your children are spoiled and you are doing them no favours.

I agree with the other posters here, you need to start setting rules and stick to them.

Hannaho

Thanks for all the advice - the 18 year old is actually a actually a child I long-term foster as my cousin has MS and could not look after her.

Thank you for all the advice, much appreciated. Children's friends have now been banned from our house.