Dead Marriage with no options to leave

truthseeker1

I need to get out but I cant because Im financially depending on my partner. Hes abusive ,controlling and suffers a mental illness. The latter I can handle because Im compassionate but I cant take the abuse any longer.
I suffer with an autoimmune disease and cant work so I cant contribute much to bills etc...he has a good job and never lets me forget that he pays the bills etc.
Im desperate to find a solution to my misery. Ive been to SW they say I would only get job seekers of 120 euro per week if I separate from him.

I just cant see how I can manage this. any advice please, I really need to find a solution.
Are there any agencies et that help women like me. Our children are grown up and all live overseas.

Kidchameleon

Awful situation. Has he ever hit you? Is he on medication for his illness that might explain his behavior? Perhaps a change of medication would ease things. First thing I would say is reach out to your friends/relatives for support, situations like this can leave people isolated. Has he tried to isolate you from your friends/family? You are not alone, there is help out there.

twill

If you have an illness which prevents you from working, you can apply for Disability Allowance, but if you apply while you are living with him, the amount you get will be less. Whoever was talking to you was very irresponsible in giving you such wrong information.

You can meet your local community welfare officer to discuss your options as regards your living situation. They can also give you supplementary welfare while your case is being assessed, if you are applying for disability.

You can try Citizens Information first if you'd prefer, they will let you know your entitlements and options. Also Women's Aid can give you good advice.

Charles Ingles

Hopefully you can work things out.. remember the man you fell in love with is still there.
I'm sure his side of the story is different.
Accord marriage counseling might be able to help.
Hopefully things turn around for you

truthseeker1

Thank you for your kind responses.

My husband is an immature communicator. he doesnt discuss anything reasonably because hes very controlling. I cant get my concerns across because of his controlling and bad manner, so i dont do it anymore. We've been in separate rooms for about a year now. Ive just resigned myself and hope the universe will turn things around for me.

I will try the advice given from members and hope it can aid me in my quest to live a peaceful life, Im 61 yrs old.

Charles Ingles

truthseeker1 wrote: »

Thank you for your kind responses.

My husband is an immature communicator. he doesnt discuss anything reasonably because hes very controlling. I cant get my concerns across because of his controlling and bad manner, so i dont do it anymore. We've been in separate rooms for about a year now. Ive just resigned myself and hope the universe will turn things around for me.

I will try the advice given from members and hope it can aid me in my quest to live a peaceful life, Im 61 yrs old.

Don't give up on your husband I'm sure he loves you.
Try marriage counseling before you do anything drastic

Ursus Horribilis

If the relationship is abusive, marriage counselling is not the way to go. It can give the abusive spouse ammunition. And why are you recommending Accord?

Purple Mountain

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If the relationship is abusive, marriage counselling is not the way to go. It can give the abusive spouse ammunition. And why are you recommending Accord?

Women's Aid surely?

AndrewJRenko

Do you own your own house? Any mortgage outstanding?

If you were to split, you would generally be entitled to half the house. Maybe he would buy you out, leaving you a lump sum. You might be able to buy an apartment.

Caranica

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Don't give up on your husband I'm sure he loves you.
Try marriage counseling before you do anything drastic

Did you miss the words "abusive" and "controlling"!!!

OP give Women's Aid a call, they will help you with practical advice and support.

Charles Ingles

Caranica wrote: »

Did you miss the words "abusive" and "controlling"!!!

OP give Women's Aid a call, they will help you with practical advice and support.

Sometimes a different perspective can change your view of people or what you think they are doing.
Maybe they are both good people in a bad situation and hopefully things will work out

Ursus Horribilis

Why did you specifically recommend Accord?

Charles Ingles

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Why did you specifically recommend Accord?

It's the only one I'm aware of , it's a Catholic based marriage counseling service hopefully it's still ok to be Catholic, im sure there is non religious options, either way hopefully the op can save her marriage

Ursus Horribilis

I'd be concerned about sending someone to a counselling service that will try to make them stay in the marriage.

B0jangles

But the OP doesn't want to save her marriage, she wants to get away from a situation in which she is being abused.

OP Please do call Women's Aid, they should be able to point you in the diection of whatever resources are available. Is there any chance any of your children could help you get away?

edit: check Charles's post history - I think he's just having a little fun here at the op's expense.

Charles Ingles

The op has said they have grown up children and she is in her early 60's so we can assume 30 years plus of marriage worth saving in my opinion.
Maybe her husband is unwell and needs help I hope they can work things out
Will say a prayer for both of them tonight

Charles Ingles

B0jangles wrote: »

But the OP doesn't want to save her marriage, she wants to get away from a situation in which she is being abused.

OP Please do call Women's Aid, they should be able to point you in the diection of whatever resources are available. Is there any chance any of your children could help you get away?

edit: check Charles's post history - I think he's just having a little fun here at the op's expense.

Absolutely not having fun at ops expense genuinely hope things get better for her.

eviltwin

Charles Ingles wrote: »

The op has said they have grown up children and she is in her early 60's so we can assume 30 years plus of marriage worth saving in my opinion.
Maybe her husband is unwell and needs help I hope they can work things out
Will say a prayer for both of them tonight

Charles you are not helping here, she has said she wants out, stop trying to downplay her experience and guilt her into staying. If she's decided ending the relationship is the right thing to do that should be respected

Charles Ingles

eviltwin wrote: »

Charles you are not helping here, she has said she wants out, stop trying to downplay her experience and guilt her into staying. If she's decided ending the relationship is the right thing to do that should be respected

Why is your opinion more valuable than mine?
I tried to give heartfelt advice and hopefully things get better for the op.

eviltwin

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Why is your opinion more valuable than mine?
I tried to give heartfelt advice and hopefully things get better for the op.

I'm not giving my opinion. I'm listening to the OP and what she wants. Your obvious bias makes you incapable of giving this woman advice.

Charles Ingles

Going to leave thread to save op having to read people attacking me.
I was only advising mediation could help hopefully things will get better for you op

truthseeker1

Tis is a second marriage for both of us. Married for 12 years, aftr just 2 years being married he got leukaemia. I gave up a well-paying job with a company car to take care of him and devoted myself entirely to the marriage.
This marriage has eroded my self esteem my confidence, all I want is out. I simply dont love this man. We tried counselling in the past and yes, it was used as ammunition against me.

Tomorrow I call Womens aid.

Thank you all

Accord would never be an option for me I dont believe or ascribe to any religion, I am Christian full stop.

Ursus Horribilis

I hope you get better news from Women's Aid. It might be worth getting a second opinion as well, maybe from the legal aid people. Do you have anyone else you can turn to for help and moral support? What you're going through is horrific.

truthseeker1

Thank you Ursa. I will try to reach out for support. Mental abuse leaves me feeling isolated and very low self esteem.

Your message is most welcome, nice to know someone cares

dudara

B0jangles wrote: »

edit: check Charles's post history - I think he's just having a little fun here at the op's expense.

If you have suspicions about someone's motives, then please report the post and let the mods review. It is not fair to draw attention like this and divert the thread.

dudara

Emme

Charles Ingles wrote: »

It's the only one I'm aware of , it's a Catholic based marriage counseling service hopefully it's still ok to be Catholic, im sure there is non religious options, either way hopefully the op can save her marriage

The OP could be protestant, jewish, muslim, baha'i, hindu or anything else for all we know. Or Catholic. Whatever her belief (if any) she has a right not to live in a controlling abusive situation.

Charles Ingles

Emme wrote: »

The OP could be protestant, jewish, muslim, baha'i, hindu or anything else for all we know. Or Catholic. Whatever her belief (if any) she has a right not to live in a controlling abusive situation.

I only referred to accord as it's one I'm familiar with ,i was recommending counseling in the hope it could help her and her husband during their marriage crisis or even help with mediation.

eviltwin

Charles Ingles wrote: »

I only referred to accord as it's one I'm familiar with ,i was recommending counseling in the hope it could help her and her husband during their marriage crisis or even help with mediation.

And as pointed out, relationship counselling when one partner is abusive can put the innocent party at greater risk.

Maybe you shouldn't give advice on subjects you know nothing about. This is a vulnerable person and bad advice could put her in danger.

Charles Ingles

eviltwin wrote: »

And as pointed out, relationship counselling when one partner is abusive can put the innocent party at greater risk.

Maybe you shouldn't give advice on subjects you know nothing about. This is a vulnerable person and bad advice could put her in danger.

Ok I'll leave the thread since you don't think I'm entitled to an opinion best of luck