Contacting estranged family members

LegacyUser

Hi,

A number of years ago, through no fault of my own, I lost contact with an entire one side of my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc). I've never gotten the full picture from anyone within my immediate family, I was too young at the time and now I just don't feel comfortable pressing either of my parents on the matter, for their own sake more than mine. I don't remember much at all from the time (about 10 years ago) but an argument between my mother and her mother resulted in either the entire family siding with my grandmother and cutting contact with us, or my mother cutting contact with the entire family.

Other than a rather odd email out of the blue from my grandmother about 4 years ago, asking how my siblings and I have been keeping, what we were doing etc, I have not heard a single thing from anybody. I thought many times about trying to reach out to somebody, but knowing so little about the whole situation I always put it off until I knew more. I was very close to a an uncle from this side of the family before all of this. He emigrated and I never heard anything from him after that. More than anything else this has been the most difficult part of the ordeal for me personally. I've long wondered why he hasn't tried to contact me. Sometimes it upsets me and sometimes it angers me.

Now I hear from my sister that this uncle is back in Ireland (I don't know how she knows and I didn't ask her). I didn't know how to feel about it this morning when she told me, and I don't know now. I think I want to reach out to him, and the rest of the family but I'm so afraid of how I might react. I was a child when the initial argument took place, and had no part in it, and for this very reason I have always wondered why nobody - my uncle, my grandparents, even a cousin - ever tried to reach out to me or my siblings.

I have an important event coming up in September that is not only difficult for me but my parents and siblings too. Still I know that its the best thing for me and my parents are accepting of that. Next year will be my last year in Ireland indefinitely and when I sit and think about this emotions tend to run amok slightly. Any time I do give this any thought, my grandparents come into my thoughts and I never know what to do or think. Like above, sometimes I get upset and sad, and sometimes I get angry. Right now I would love to tell them about this event coming up, because I am so proud of it and I know that they would be too. However tomorrow my feelings will probably be a bit more severe.

I'm really at a loss, and I'm sorry if everything is a bit muddled. I've tried getting this out of my system a number of times but each time I've given up. I would really really appreciate any advice or comments. Thank you so much.

December2012

I think it would be important for you to know why your mother disconnected from her family.

Do remember that it's nothing you did, or none of it is your fault.

The family were probably asked to stay away for a reason, so again it's not necessarily that they didn't want to stay in touch, but it's hard to keep in touch with a child if you are not in touch with their parent

Ursus Horribilis

December2012 wrote: »

I think it would be important for you to know why your mother disconnected from her family.

This would be a good starting point. Sometimes people cut contact with their families for very valid reasons. Sexual abuse being the most obvious one. Also, what sort of person is your mother? Is she someone who tends to fall out with people? Perhaps your biggest stumbling block in this issue mightn't be reaching out to her family but her?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks very much again for both replies so far.

I would just like to say that my mother is an incredibly selfless person, in every sense of the word. Every single day she puts others before herself. Truly her only fault is her inability to see when others are taking advantage of her beautifully kind nature. Still, I have considered whether it was her who cut contact, but I don't believe she did or even could have. I think that she may have purposely stood her ground in the immediate aftermath of the argument with my grandmother, hoping that she would initiate contact to resolve whatever the issue at hand was, but it just never came.

My mother was adopted as a very young child and has very rarely, but on a couple of occasions in the last number of years, shared anecdotes from her childhood that have really stuck with me. Such as my grandmother introducing her as "the adopted child" etc. I know that her upbringing was not a very pleasant one due mainly to my grandmother. My grandfather was always very kind and loving and her pleasant stories almost always involve him.

Whether or not the argument between them was about her childhood, I don't know. As young children my grandmother was very much in our lives and my mothers too. My grandparents live on the other side of the country and we would often go and stay with them for weekends and longer during the summer. Both my mother and her would seemingly get on fine (I was a child, so obviously did not understand the full picture at this time) and I don't remember any arguments between them before the current one.

I'm sorry if I've missed anything, and I really hope this makes some sense but I'm not very good at putting these thoughts down on paper (or PC) in a simple and readable manner.

LegacyUser

The email from your grandmother 4 years ago was an olive branch.
First things first- sit down with your mum& ask her what exactly happened& why you no longer have contact with any of her side of the family. Not in an accusatory way, not argumentative, just genuine curiosity. In denying you contact with your extended family, she owes you the courtesy of an honest explanation. She has to realise that you miss them, & that you are totally confused by the whole situation. It's not fair to keep you in the dark. You're an adult; you deserve the truth. Only then can you decide what to do next.

suicide_circus

i wouldnt be going behind your mothers back and contacted these people. she would rightly see this as a betrayal. talk to her about it.

Big Bag of Chips

If your mam is so kind and selfless then speak to her. You were a child at the time, you’re an adult now and more like her equal. If your grandmother always referred to her as “the adopted child” and that obviously had an affect on her, maybe your grandmother referred to you and your siblings in similar terms. Maybe she didn’t see you as her “real” grandchildren. And your mother decided enough was enough and wasn’t prepared to let you grow up being singled out as she was?

It could be any number of reasons, sexual/physical/emotional abuse. The only way you’ll be closer to an answer is to ask. But I would ask your mother. Going to the rest of the family behind her back might upset her. Speak to her first. She might even give her blessing to you to make contact, but make it clear she doesn’t want any contact.

LegacyUser

Thanks once more for your replies.

About the email from my grandmother: it was very strange and rather cold. She confused two of my brothers, and really it seemed like something written by a very distant relative and not ones grandmother. Still, there may very well be a genuine reason for this. I don't know. My younger brother exchanged a few emails and did mention to us that he would like to meet my grandparents, but nothing came of it and I don't know why. I know that my mother was willing to let him see for himself where the email exchange would lead to, and had no problems with it (or if she did, she kept them to herself).

I wouldn't say that my mother purposefully denied my siblings and I contact with her family in a malicious way. Knowing my mother, and from what some of the replies here have mentioned, I think she might have done so for our own good. I love her dearly but I struggle when it comes to talking sensitive topics with her or with anyone. I have no doubt that she will answer whatever questions I have but it won't be easy for either of us. I think I need to think about this and consider how to go about it for my own good and hers.

I mentioned to another brother of mine this morning that our uncle was back in Ireland and he replied: "so?" and changed the question, so I gather he is not interested in reestablishing any form of connection with anyone, and I am wondering now how my other siblings might react if I broach the question to them.

Many thanks, again, for your views above.

Rubberchikken

talk to your mother. if shes willing to explain things, she will.
if she doesnt want to or cant, then you'll have to respect that.
family not speaking to each other is tough and sad but it happens for too many reasons.

take care

Kidchameleon

Whatever the reason is, it could be very serious. So be prepared for some harsh truths. Good luck & I definitely think you should pursue this. Don't let it pass.

Ursus Horribilis

ShouldIorShouldn'tI wrote: »

I love her dearly but I struggle when it comes to talking sensitive topics with her or with anyone.

You absolutely have to bite the bullet and talk to your mother about this. You're going round and round in circles, trying to make a decision based on pure guesswork. All that's going to do is drive you mad and you'll still be none the wiser. Your posts are full of vagueness and guesswork - you know little more than the rest of us

You don't have to go in all guns blazing and say you're thinking of making contact with some of her family. Finding out what happened and why she took this drastic step might be all you need to know in order to reach a decision.

banoffe2

Best of luck OP I admire your honesty (my post it a bit long but its a real case history of how family break down can happen)

This has happened for generations with my parents on both sides, I gather it was about land and wills, it was a loss to all of us children too as we were denied the opportunity to get to know these people, strangely enough I see a family pattern continuing, even though we were very close growing up as siblings and the oldest of the boys vowed that we would never become like our parents fractured family systems on both sides, sadly to my disbelief this has continued . I now find myself in this position I didn't chose, I am the one they cut contact with, though I would have been the caretaker in the family and had a very close and loving relationship with my brothers.

I notice with aunts uncles they kept this up for life and never reconciled, they also held on to the anger and resentments of the past and I firmly believe this was not good for us as children. I was asked by a priest some years ago to speak with an uncle of mine on my mothers side , he was close to dying and the priest said he was very troubled about the past. He existed through the longest part of his live with no contact from his only two siblings over land, he got the lot from uncles and the sisters got nothing and felt strongly betrayed that they had a sense of entitlement they also believed that their only brother and his wife orchestrated the will to their sole benefit. I felt very strongly about the hurt this caused my mother and remember vividly how she spoke of him with anger and bitterness.

I made the decision to go and see this man whom I had never met before I had the meeting well prepared, but didnt know what to expect!! I took a photo of my mother with me as an ice breaker, while I was there I felt a strong sense of coldness on his part and even though he died a few days later he made zero effort when given the opportunity, but was happy to say ask my wife that( she is still living) Perhaps the years of exclusion made him cold it must have been a very lonely existence for him, in one way I felt pity for him. To be honest I was very underwhelmed by the visit and I made it easy for him. On reflection and with much thought and soul searching I went back two days later( this time I went purely for my late mother) and said to him in a few words that I am here today for my mother about the hurt and pain his behaviour had caused her through out her life, I was barely there a minute or more and I knew he heard me, again his response was you better ask my wife about that- he spoke only a few words.
I left thinking how much he too must have suffered despite having all that land he had a very lonely life and paid a high price for it. I didnt go to his funeral as I dont do hypocrisy I spent the day grieving for my mothers pain and hurt, I believe my brothers shouldered the coffin and acted as mourners to a congregation who knew the story too well. I am glad I didn't go.

Now I find myself as the scape goat in the family but with the help of counseling and self awareness and good friends I am doing well and accepting the things I can not change believe me this didn't happen overnight and I have shed many a tear.

The baby of our family rip by suicide some years ago, he was much loved and in fact adored by all of us and especially his brothers, he was diagnosed with bi polar depression in his early thirties.

Nothing stays the same forever, they couldn't cope with him, they beat and bullied him and excluded him from all family events, and basically didn't care about his welfare. I was also excluded for not siding with them and was expected to turn my back on my brother who was in terrible emotional pain despite having professional help, he couldn't cope with the rejection from his brothers and the put downs. They were ashamed of him and this hurt him very deeply, as he would say to me there is no tablet for this pain. I was very disappointed that our own adult children (by the way I am happily divorced) whom he was very good to them, sided with the majority group as people do as there were benefits to be gained. I never interfered as they were all adults and highly influenced, my brothers got satisfaction in knowing they were not standing my me, as it made them look good!

I am glad I was always there for him and I could feel his pain at the front door, he talked about it a lot even to friends of mine if they were in the house, it was no secret, concerned members of our wider community went and spoke to them but it all fell on deaf ears. As a last resort he asked a cousin of ours who we looked up as a good role model to speak to them crying out for reconciliation, again it fell on deaf ears and nothing changed, as he had had previously speculated, he said to me it is probably a waste of time but I need to do this- he was encouraged to take this step with his counseling.

The only time we have all been in the same room was at his funeral, he took his own life a few months after the cousin meeting with my brothers, he left a note, he had enough.

Nothing prepared me for the pain and trauma but I knew for a long time that suicide was a strong possibility he spoke openly to me about it. I found out about the tragedy on the street from a non family member to say I was in shock would be an understatement. I have kept my dignity and didn't go on the blame game with them, to this day I have no contact and never met my nieces or nephews only when I would seldom see them at funerals, I acknowledge them on the seldom occasion I see them because that is better for me, there is no change, and I don't expect there will be. Our children and their father continue to attend all the family functions as they would have done previously.

Of course this has caused me a lot of pain and the loss I cant describe in words, I am in a place now where I have learned to live with it, I am not bitter and would never bad mouth any of them, the wider community have lost respect for them.
Though I pay a huge price for not siding with them there is great comfort in knowing that I did my best for my brother rip. I also take comfort in knowing that he is free from living with all that hurt, pain and rejection. I have been to suicide bereaved groups and the common denominator in the room was guilt, which I don't have, what I have is family exclusion.

Sorry about the long post, but I can empathise with your loss, which was outside of your control, I fell for your mum and all of you, it happens and I know friends whose families have broken down, it is not uncommon for families to act out by cutting communication and all ties as a means of coping by not dealing with the facts and avoiding the issue. It would be great if you Mam could talk about it, no doubt she has been deeply hurt, but it would be a great healing experience for her and all of you. I have no doubt your uncle misses you too. How do you think your Mam would react if you said when the time was right if there ever is a right time! I heard uncle Joe is back home again?? it would be an opening at least, you dont know how she will react but you wont know until you try, its a risk.

I wish you the very best in the future and premature congratulations on that very special occasion/celebration. Please keep in touch with us here, you don't have to go through this alone, we never know the consequences or outcomes for any decisions.

I send you the warmest hug and the very best of luck, no matter what the outcome celebrate your progress, count your blessings each day, you are blessed to have such a special mum, and such a big event you can be proud of. Well done you !!xxx

StinkyMunkey

It might be time to sit down with your mam and tell her how you feel. All you can do it speculate until you know the truth of it. I'd approach it as diplomatically as possible, you will not be making an unreasonable request. Just bare in mind that the subject will be upsetting for your mam.

You do deserve some explanation and to be given the choice to decide if you want to make contact with your family.

Your mamm sounds like a wonderful person, I'd hazard a guess and say whatever caused the rift wasn't due to your mam.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Thanks so much again for your wonderful replies.

I understand that I need to actually speak to my mother but I just don't know how. I will get around to it. I have so much going on at the minute with exams more than anything else that I probably won't do anything until they are over and I have a clear head. I think my uncle will probably have left by then but I will tell her that his arrival here has made me think about everything including my going away etc and what I plan on doing before that happens.

My older brother and I visited today and did not mention anything about our uncle being home. To be honest I wouldn't know where to look or what to say if it was brought up. I think I would probably cry. One of my worries about these sensitive topics is controlling my emotions. I don't have the same relationship with my mother as my older sister who is quite close with her but that is not down to any malice or whatever on either side, I'm just not really that kind of person.

Anyway, thank you again so much for the help. I appreciate each reply. banoffe2, thanks so much for sharing and for your kind words especially. Glad to know that you are in a good place too in your own life and that you can hold your head high. I get angry sometimes when I think about my own situation, rarely at my mother but mostly at her family. I try my best not to and remind myself that I don't need to carry that anger with me for the rest of my life. Even if I never get to make up or anything else with any one of them, I will at least be better off with anything other than anger or resentment within me as I grow.

qwerty13

OP, you say “but I struggle when it comes to talking sensitive topics with her or with anyone”. I would hazard a guess that this is at least in part as you’ve been ‘trained’ not to mention the elephant in the room, i.e. how there is no contact with your mother’s family.

This is not good for you. It is important to be able to communicate your feelings and not bury them. I would also suspect that this might explain somewhat that you’re going between upset and anger: you know deep down that not talking about any of this doesn’t sit right with you, but yet it doesn’t feel as though you can say it.

Hopefully I’m not adding 2 plus 2 and getting 5 there. But I’d actually say your immediate issue is that you don’t understand what happened, or why, and don’t feel ok to bring it up. My thoughts would be that this is the issue to deal with first. The extended family stuff later. I understand that you don’t want to upset your mother - but the whole thing is clearly upsetting you, so I do think talking to your mother is something that you need to do.

PS: don’t go behind your mother’s back. You don’t know the reason for the lack of contact. It could be a very valid reason, and risk your mother feeling betrayed all over again if you were to follow that course of action