Online dating potential complication

Pentecost

I don’t think I’ll bother going unreg because nobody in real life knows my username and I just want to type it out really..

- I was on a dating app, Bumble basically, ‘met’ a girl I liked, after she had liked me and messaged me which she had to do if you know the app.
- We were texting away, hit it off, turns out she is foreign and from a country that there wouldn’t be all that many people in Ireland from. I like her she is very attractive despite something of a small language barrier. I speak a little of her language she speaks some English.
- To the potential complication. I share a flat with a guy who went out with a girl from said country, roughly the same age, and roughly the same region, who did the same job this girl does. I only moved in months after they broke up, I never met her and don’t know her name. And, he says, she did not take their break up well and would not stop ringing him and turned up at the flat a couple of times.
- My flatmate hates giving away any personal information (a whole other story)!and if I asked any more questions he’ll be very wary.

- Question 1: I know I need to confirm once and for all if it’s the same girl which would be a bizarre coincidence but what’s the best approach to bring it up with him?
- Question 2: I like the girl, I fancy her, all her interactions with me have been great, I don’t want to be a ***** but given the apparent history I can’t have her knowing I’m in that flat either. How do I break off contact without simply ignoring her which she doesn’t deserve?

If it’s not her then I’m going to try and pursue it but I’m getting a bad feeling about it.

lawred2

Why should you care if this is some lad's ex?

Mickeroo

Explain the entire situation to the flatmate or even don't and just show him a picture of the girl and tell him her name. If it's the same one he'll let you know fairly quickly.

Or just pursue it since you seem to like her.

Pentecost

lawred2 wrote: »

Why should you care if this is some lad's ex?

I’d rather not move out which I would have to do to date her if it is the same girl.

Mickeroo wrote: »

Explain the entire situation to the flatmate or even don't and just show him a picture of the girl and tell him her name. If it's the same one he'll let you know fairly quickly.

Or just pursue it since you seem to like her.

Yeah I know I’m going to have to broach it. But I’m dreading it for the above reasons. I do like her, but as I do, I’m already thinking of all the reasons it wouldn’t work..we haven’t met yet but hand agreed that we want to.

Pentecost

I’ve fallen even further down the rabbit hole tonight for anyone reading. I was messaging her and I really like her even more, and she clearly likes me. Worrying about how she might take a break up and my flat mate’s reaction seems like jumping a lot of steps but I like where I live..

strandroad

Pentecost wrote: »

I’ve fallen even further down the rabbit hole tonight for anyone reading. I was messaging her and I really like her even more, and she clearly likes me. Worrying about how she might take a break up and my flat mate’s reaction seems like jumping a lot of steps but I like where I live..

What's your concern there I'm not sure, even if it's the same girl? That she won't date you if you know him? That the flatmate will be offended? Or that she was quite intense when they broke up?

Show him her photo and ask if he knows her, do you think he'll refuse to tell you?

Tomas81

Pentecost wrote: »

I’ve fallen even further down the rabbit hole tonight for anyone reading. I was messaging her and I really like her even more, and she clearly likes me. Worrying about how she might take a break up and my flat mate’s reaction seems like jumping a lot of steps but I like where I live..

Just wanted to know-how Granted I'm no doubt alot older, but how do you really like someone you've never met?

Shelli2

Ask your flatmate for suggestions locally for a first date, casually explain you've met someone online that you are considering meeting, and show him her pick. I'm sure you'll know pretty quickly if it is his ex, you don't need to tell him of your suspicion at all.

If they did have a bad break up then I'm sure the girl won't want to date her exes room mate either. Just be honest with her, explain that it would be weird and not a healthy start to a relationship.

Pentecost

strandroad wrote: »

What's your concern there I'm not sure, even if it's the same girl? That she won't date you if you know him? That the flatmate will be offended? Or that she was quite intense when they broke up?

Show him her photo and ask if he knows her, do you think he'll refuse to tell you?

More that he’s going to freak out. The intense bit is something I’d deal with if it ever got that far to be honest. And if it is in fact the same girl. There’s only one way to find out but to be honest on an emotional level I want to avoid finding out and live the dream for a while more..

As to the how do you really like her if you’ve never met question, it’s a completely fair comment. But..and I may be showing myself up as naive here...we’ve been in touch every single day for a while now, we’ve opened up to each other I just feel a connection with her. Even if it has been text or online, most of us communicate more with friends via non “face to face” methods these days.

lawred2

You're manufacturing this micro drama for yourself.

tara73

why don't you just ask her? would avoid any potential drama with your flatmate and the risk of moving out.

LegacyUser

Pentecost wrote: »

As to the how do you really like her if you’ve never met question, it’s a completely fair comment. But..and I may be showing myself up as naive here...we’ve been in touch every single day for a while now, we’ve opened up to each other I just feel a connection with her. Even if it has been text or online, most of us communicate more with friends via non “face to face” methods these days.

You can't compare chatting online with friends, who you know and have met etc., with chatting online with a stranger. It breeds false intimacy. You think it's a great connection, but you could met her in real life and not feel anything at all - this happens more than you might think. People spend too much time chatting electronically and think they have this great "romance" but the reality is that you have no idea who this person really is or how you'll get on.

I agree with the poster who said you are manufacturing drama for yourself. Just show your flat mate her pic and figure it out without the teenage nonsense. If it isn't her, great. If it is, he might not want her at the house given the breakup and how she behaved. Just find out and then you'll know your next step.

Big Bag of Chips

You are claiming that you know this girl and feel a connection with her, but yet have started a thread questioning how you discretely find out if she's a bunny boiler! That in itself shows you know nothing about her except what she's presenting to you online. Which could be anything/anyone.

How long have you been messaging and why have you not arranged to meet yet? If you think this girl is worth the chance, then arrange to meet her. Your relationship can be conducted away from your flat. I think this is one of those situations where you're just going to have to live and learn for yourself.

Meet her, date her of you wish. You'll eventually find out if she was going out with your flatmate or not. She might be a crazed loon, or with you she might be perfectly fine.

You have to make your own choices in life and make your own potential mistakes.

woodchuck

OP just tell your flatmate that you're chatting to someone on a dating app, that you're thinking of meeting up and show him her picture. You'll probably know immediately from his reaction whether or not it's the same girl he dated!

If it is the same girl, I'd proceed with extreme caution based on this:

she did not take their break up well and would not stop ringing him and turned up at the flat a couple of times.

Obviously there's two side to every story, but that would be a major red flag to me... IF it's the same girl.

wiggle16

If your flat mate is the kind of person who will completely flip at you just because you matched with someone he went out with, why would you be bothered keeping him happy? That's not a person I would be making allowances for. And I've lived with some difficult people.

And if he is this sensitive it stands to reason that she was not the one who made the relationship a living hell. I'd still be very cautious though as mentioned above.

You can either steam ahead and meet this person and go for it, or you can suss her out with him first. What difference does it make? Either way he'll probably find out one way or the other. And either way he will flip. But that's his problem.

But..and I may be showing myself up as naive here...we’ve been in touch every single day for a while now, we’ve opened up to each other I just feel a connection with her. Even if it has been text or online, most of us communicate more with friends via non “face to face” methods these days.

But the difference is that friends will have already met in life and know each other as people. Social media is another way we interact with friends, not the only one. Dating apps are a way to meet people, not a way to build or have a relationship.

Myself I agree you are creating this conundrum for yourself. If you knew it was your flatmate's ex, you would have a decision to make, maybe. But you have no idea if it's the same girl.
It sounds like you getting way too invested too early... you haven't even arranged to meet yet.

Pentecost wrote: »

There’s only one way to find out but to be honest on an emotional level I want to avoid finding out and live the dream for a while more..

OP if you want to "live the dream for a while more", please don't. That's not fair to her, it's not nice to lead someone on like you're serious when you have no intention of meeting them. Don't waste her time.

I'm sorry if I seem harsh but you are creating an issue for yourself where none exists. And even if it does, it need not be an issue. I think you should take the advice above and just ask him if its the same girl if you really need to know but I think you should scale back your emotional involvement in general.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Just show him a picture of her, "Hey I'm chatting to this girl, might meet her next week". It'll be very clear from his reaction if it's the girl even if he for some reason says nothing.

I'd put the brakes on yourself a wee bit there too man, you're getting very invested and putting a lot of mental energy in someone you haven't met. I hate to be that guy but if she's from somewhere where it's hard for citizens to get residency in the EU then proceed with extreme caution.

Pentecost

Octavia Dirty Photo wrote: »

Just show him a picture of her, "Hey I'm chatting to this girl, might meet her next week". It'll be very clear from his reaction if it's the girl even if he for some reason says nothing.

I'd put the brakes on yourself a wee bit there too man, you're getting very invested and putting a lot of mental energy in someone you haven't met. I hate to be that guy but if she's from somewhere where it's hard for citizens to get residency in the EU then proceed with extreme caution.

You’re right, sorry I was a bit eh..tired and emotional..at the time of writing. I’m thinking a bit more clearly now!

It’s a valid consideration as regards the residency thing. I’ll have a think about everything. Thanks to everybody who replied. Plenty of good advice.

Mr. Incognito

Explain the full story to her and ask her not him.

If its him then no drama at home.

If its not you have a funny shared story

zapper55

You are really overthinking this.

Arrange a date. Arrange it today.

You may well meet and not fancy her (or vice versa) or she may chicken out of the date.

In my experience of online dating of the guys I was chatting to that suggested going for a date, only half those dates every happened.

And as for the rest, the vast majority were very different in appearance and /or personality and it was a let down.

Only if you want a second date with her do you say it to your man. But even then he sounds like an absolute drama queen, maybe he was the problem rather than her.

Calypso Realm

OP, as others have said you really are creating a big drama here, for what may turn out to be for little or no reason. What if you discover this isn't the same girl after all? It's perfectly possible. For this reason, I would just show the photo to your flatmate.

In addition, something to consider here - When people refer to a crazy ex, I always wonder, from experience what they did (or didn't do) to contribute to the ensuring drama. For all you know, your flatmate may well have just ghosted this girl, for example, although of course he may well not be willing to admit this, if this were the case!

Pentecost

Ok time to bring this one to a close folks (and mods). To sum up, yes I did create a big drama in my head, I tend to overthink things sometimes but there were a few real coincidences which led me in that direction which I can’t be explicit about. I’m a very private person so I don’t tell people much about my personal life which means I sometimes don’t get the necessary external perspective.

She was texting me earlier so I just went ahead and asked her. She thought it was an amusing but strange thing to think so I guess that answers the question. I was getting a bit too invested in the whole situation and it’s a reminder that we really don’t know each other very well.

We’ll see if it continues or not but I’ve decided to slow down and just relax about it. Thanks all for contributing you were all helpful.

Big Bag of Chips

So, have you arranged to meet her? All this texting is leading nowhere and building this up to something huge which might never materialise.

Meet her (soon). At least then you'll have an idea if all this texting and "connection" is going anywhere.

Pentecost

That’s the plan. We had agreed to meet this week but we didn’t firm up on that. As I said I’m not going to force anything now so we’ll see what happens.

Nikki Sixx

Fly over to her city for a weekend and see how it goes. Tell your housemate you are visiting a friend for the weekend. Try not to grin when you are in the kitchen on the Sunday night with him and he asks “did you have a good weekend?”

wiggle16

Thread closed as per OP's request.

Thanks & grma all who posted.