Shítty friend?

LegacyUser

So long story short.

Spent the last year being the sole support network for a friend of mine after a break-up. Was there for all the nights out where he needed to go on a bender. Picked up the phone all the nights where he was going on a bender and about to get himself into trouble. Spent months letting him bend my ear when he was playing should-I-shouldn't-I about possibly getting back with his ex. And generally turned a blind eye to all the dodgy **** he did in between, writing it off to playing the field in the aftermath of a breakup. Ironically, because all of this, we went from being mates, to pretty much best mates.

A few months back a new person became part of our core group (we all work in the same field), and I started seeing her, briefly. Because it would complicate things at work, Nothing really came of it since, we remained close, but I guess I had been holding out a certain amount of hope that something might come of it. Either way, him being a close mate, I shared these feelings pretty honestly with him; he knew how I felt about this girl.

Cue this evening. Hadn't spoken to him for a couple of weeks due to personal stuff (funeral), and we met for a pint. As it turns out, while I was away taking care of said funeral, my mate and this girl had gotten together, and have been seeing each other for the past two weeks. I know for a fact that he has no interest in her as an ongoing thing (he's already planned a summer in Europe with as many girls as he can muster).

Right now, I feel like my friend is a complete and utter prick. But the objective part of me is wondering if I have a right to feel that way. To be clear, I'm not upset with the girl in question – disappointed of course, but I have no say or hold over her or who she chooses to be with, and in a way I guess this certainly clarifies things. But I feel that my mate has been a pretty **** mate in this particular situation. In some ways I shouldn’t be surprised. I turned a blind eye to the ****ty way he treated other people over the past year. I just didn't think I'd be on the receiving end of it.

So, people of PI. Am I out of line in how I feel here? Do I just need to suck it up?

LegacyUser

I agree he's out of line in that there are literally hundreds of other girls he could have picked.
But then consider that he had the inside track on this one from hearing you chatting about her.
Plus you had your chance & decided not to pursue it. Time waits for no man.

santana75

I think you have to trust your gut on this one, and from what you said about turning a blind eye to some of the stuff he did to others, then it would appear that your gut was right. You cant change people. No matter how good a mate you are to this guy, whatever is going on inside of him, whatever motivates him, that will always win out in the end. I mean if he wants something, like to use this girl for a while, then he'll do that. Morality, whats decent and honorable, wont get in his way. He probably doesnt even think about it in any way other than, getting what he wants from this situation. In all likelihood someone like that wont change, it'll take a Road to Damascus like revelation to open his eyes. Probably when someone treats him like he treats others, and even then he might not get the message. But when it comes right down to it, is someone like that the kind of bloke who you would place your trust in? If the answer is no, then you are better off leaving him to it and not having much future contact with him, because guaranteed, if it came down to a situation where you stood between him and getting something he wants, he'd sell you out in a heartbeat.

wiggle16

Nah. You're spot on OP. He's a pr*ck.

He got off with someone he knew for a fact you were very interested in. He can't think very highly of you or respect you if he will put getting his rocks off ahead of your friendship.

If they were madly in love with one another that would be one thing. They're not. He knew you liked her but he had an opportunity for a bit of fun and he took it.

He's a d*ckhead. You're well shot of him.

Calltocall

Had somewhat of a similar experience many years ago, my advice, cut him loose as a friend, don’t waste your time on him, he’s self serving and as poster above says I guarantee if it came down to it in the future he would always choose himself first, let life teach him his lessons it’s not your job to be his shoulder. There’s an unwritten code with what you mention above, if it was my good mate I wouldn’t go near a girl he likes you just don’t do that unless you're self serving and don’t give a crap about your friends.

Paddy Cow

friend123 wrote: »

So, people of PI. Am I out of line in how I feel here? Do I just need to suck it up?

No you are not out of line, he is. I don't think there is any point in bringing it up with him because he'll just say you broke up with her and she was a free agent. Selfish people like that always rationalise things so nothing is ever their fault. You've seen it before but ignored it because you thought you were friends and he wouldn't do the same to you. He's not your friend. He uses you and that reflects on him, not you. It hurts but you've learned a valuable lesson about who you invest in emotionally. Trust your instincts. When you see how someone treats others, that's exactly how they'll treat you.

Purple Mountain

Just to add some more insights.. Did this friend offer you any support or sympathy over the recent bereavement you went through?
This might add some clarity to how he perceives your friendship for us.

Pauliedragon

This person clearly has no respect for you or seems interested in any meaningful friendship. I'd cut them loose as harsh as that sounds and if down the line they sort themselves out things can go back. You have your own life. He has no interest in sorting his life out if riding and boozing are his main priority. This lifestyle rarely ends well. Get out and maybe that might wake him up and if you do keep away stop answering calls as harsh as that sounds.

leggo

It's a dick and loser move that I detest in people tbh. There are so many other potential partners there, especially if you're just looking for a quick bit of casual, that to go after someone a mate has recent history with and/or is interested in is way beyond the line. Like if you were just interested in her and nothing had happened, that's a little easier to swallow, but this is close enough to an ex and a recent one at that. I'd be dropping him ASAP.

I wouldn't be too impressed with her either, truth be told. You're right in what you say that you can't dictate or control who she sleeps with, but at the same time she either obviously didn't value your time together that highly to get off with one of your friends or this is a ploy to make you jealous that she knew you'd hear back about. It's, at best, childish and a bit disrespectful. I'm not saying start any drama or anything, nothing will be gained, but don't be caught making excuses for her and still holding a candle. This is not someone worth going back to if the opportunity arises.

Church on Tuesday

I had a 'mate' who tried to do something similar with an ex of mine.

You are well shot of this piece of **** or at least you should be. He couldn't give a toss about you and like me you secretly knew it deep down and now you know for a fact.

Also, you dodged a bullet with your one; if she's happy to go off with someone who I can guarantee you doesn't give a toss about her and has common knowledge of you both then she has got her just deserts.

The quality of your life is directly reflective of the people you have in it, believe me. Remember that as a general rule OP.

goz83

To echo on the above, yes, your friend (and I hesitate to use that word in this case) is a d!ck and is only out for himself. People like that are not worth your time and don't deserve a second chance. Take it from me, I know.


I had a best friend for years. We were friends for nearly 20 years and I always put more into the friendship than he did. We live about 20 minutes walk from eachother (5 minute drive). In the time we were friends, (here's a little list) :

*He visited my home maybe 2 dozen times where I would regularly call in for coffee and a chat.

*He almost never attended the rare celebration I would have and yet I attended every one he asked me to. The excuses were usually ridiculous.

*He borrowed cash many times and almost never paid it back. One time he had the audacity to say "ah, sure we are friends" (or something to that effect)when I mentioned he hadn't paid back a loan. When I needed money he owed me, he said he was broke, but then sent his wife and daughter to a Taylor Swift concert in Belfast and bought himself a new guitar.

*I kept confidential his secrets to this day, yet I know he has shared most of what I confided in him. If I shared his secrets, or what I know about his Wife, it would cause hell, but I respect peoples privacy and wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone.

*I was always there when he needed a friend and kept him out of trouble. He was never there when I needed a friend and only sometimes when I would rather he kept out of my business.

*He insisted (sober) on many occasions that he held me in higher regard than his brothers, who he mostly despised. That I was his brother :rolleyes: . And yet he never asked me to stand in as god father for his 3 children.

*He cast me aside when I needed his help because it wasn't convenient for him.

I was so disappointed in him that I stopped speaking to him. Then after maybe a year, he contacted me. His Wife had left him and he clearly needed a friend. She was clearly seeing someone else. He was suicidal and smashed up his house. I took him to hospital and spent months being the one he could rely on.

I stopped speaking to him again, because he lied to my face when I asked him about something which had affected me deeply. He had gossiped to someone I despise and denied it when I gave him a chance to come clean. He knew I knew, but still denied it.


He was at a surprise party recently. I don't consider him to be a friend, or trust-worthy anymore, but I don't hold hatred and I greeted him and had a chat. He was there with someone he had a fling with while married.

Truth be told, I would prefer not to see him again, because he is probably the most selfish person I know and I can't relate to someone like him. If only he had apologised, things would have been different, but he wasn't man enough, or friend enough to even do that.

I have endless patience for people, but only if they are willing to do the right thing.


OP...it sounds like your friend is a lot like the one I had. Do yourself a favor and cut contact now. You have kinder enemies than that.

7znbd9xmoiupye

OP, he's a piece of **** all right. Don't waste your time on him. He knew you liked her and could have cut you some slack by not getting involved with her especially since you helped him so much. He had plenty of other to choose from

joeguevara

I have a rule that I have always lived by. Any of my mates exes are off limits. Even if they have been with them causally then same rule applies. I have cut people out of my life who I considered close friends when I found out they had been with or tried to be with my exes.

There is no excusing it and the fact it has affected you proves it. Plus if he has no interest in her then it's a power play on you. You don't need this in your life. Don't feel bad. Move on and don't think twice about it.

xword

You're right. He's a prick. Cut him loose.