married and gay

GWHYTE123

Married and gay, how do you meet a man discreetly? I have no idea where to even chat to gay men?

lbc2019

are you married to a man or a woman? Regardless you need to discuss this with your partner

GWHYTE123

married to a woman and im male

uck51js9zml2yt

Do right by your wife and either don't cheat on her or break up with her first.
She doesn't deserve to be betrayed.

GWHYTE123

good advice, just so afraid all the time

Plumbthedepths

Does your partner know you are bisexual? If not she should.

GWHYTE123

no and i think im gay now rather than bisexual

L1011

Unless your partner is OK with you doing this, expect to be not married relatively quickly (assuming the referendum to cut waiting times passes).

GWHYTE123

yes i know, still frightening

GWHYTE123

its a terrible place, not able to have sex with wife either

Apiarist

GWHYTE123 wrote: »

yes i know, still frightening

Look, sooner or later the truth will come out. Go to your wife and tell her, "I am sorry because what I am going to tell you may hurt you. I am gay and I want to have sex with men".

The longer you stay in the closet, the more difficult it becomes to come clean. And please do not cheat on your wife, this is wrong by her and by you too.

GWHYTE123

all good advice thanks

punisher5112

Please don't go sleeping around and then the dangers of passing on diseases to your wife.

I have no idea what other advice I can give other then that and be straight with her and don't do anything without informing her.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

GWHYTE123 wrote: »

no and i think im gay now rather than bisexual

You think?

GWHYTE123

i am

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

If you’re 100% sure, then you leave your wife first, after that start worrying how to meet guys. There’s apps you can use for that.

GWHYTE123

thanks

baby and crumble

OP, I'm sorry that you're having a hard time. Nobody here is going to tell you how to cheat on your wife, regardless of your sexuality, but in all honesty that's not the biggest issue. The biggest issue is that you're scared and understandably so.

There are support groups for gay & bisexual men in heterosexual relationships - https://gcn.ie/listing/married-mens-support-group/. There are also support groups for the spouses of these men (and women, in fairness). So situations like this are more common than you think. You're not alone.

If I were you, I'd stop thinking about this in terms of sex, and approach it calmly. You know cheating isn't the way to go about it, although you may feel some relief having the sex you want with someone you're sexually attracted to, that relief won't last long. You need to be yourself, and that will only come by being true to yourself and honest to your wife.

Your wife deserves to be with someone that not only loves her deeply but who is attracted to her too, just like you do. So being honest with her about being yourself, while it'll likely cause some massive upset (nobody wants their relationship to break) in the long run, it gives you both a chance for happiness.

The question I'd ask is do you want to be running around having casual hookups with guys in 5, 10, 15 years time? Or do you want the opportunity to fall in love, be open about yourself and be as happy as you can?

Best of luck.

GWHYTE123

Hi thanks for that, and the link to the group, it makes things very clear. I think initial suppression has lead to an emotional need, which is new and i don't get from my wife. I am very conscious that she must feel the same and may need to be with someone else also, thanks again.

Maz2016

OP, I feel your pain. I think you need to be true to yourself and be happy to yourself. Think of the long term here - yes there will be upset caused in the short term but if your honest with people this can be minimised and it will pass. Although I’m not in the same boat, I imagine there is a lot of people in the same boat as you. I know 2 lads that are married now but meet other lads for sex (they don’t know I know) Not saying I agree with what their doing, but I do often wonder if their truly happy with their situation.
I’m glad previous poster posted the link for the married men support group as I was about to too. I think this might be of benefit. Best of luck

Anteayer

OP, assuming that you are attracted enough to women to get married, you could be bisexual. It's not always a binary choice between women and men.

However, if you're married (or in a committed relationship) you need to be totally upfront with your partner about what's going on. It's totally absolutely unfair on your wife to cheat on her with a man in exactly the same way as it would be with a woman. You've also got the risk of bringing STIs home to her when she thinks you're being monogamous and can feel safe with you. That's way beyond just a bit unfair.

If you're unhappy in your marriage, consider being open about that figuring it out. A divorce is often a lot better than an unhappy marriage and that's the case for both parties.

I mean if you're gay and are married to someone you're not attracted to, you need to look into that.

Consider calling the Dublin Gay Switchboard and discussing it with a counsellor. It's not that uncommon a situation and people marry the wrong people (gay, bi or straight).

Just get some support and be honest about it. Drama tends to subside and life goes on and is a lot smoother when everyone knows where they stand.