Post Mid life crisis

LegacyUser

Posting anonymously for obvious reasons.

Looking for advice/feedback from someone who found themselves in similar situation.
Late 50s, married, empty nest and miserable. I’m not enjoying the empty nest, it’s extremely sad.
I miss having a full house, cooking family dinners and all the madness that goes with family life.
I enjoy my work, my friends and my hobbies. It’s not as if I’m sitting around doing nothing all day. I have a life, I’m involved in various things but it’s not enough.
Ten years I was working, running the house, doing a degree and looking after my elderly parents and I loved it, I liked being busy.
Parents are gone now and I miss them terribly.The 'kids' are doing well and are happy being independent as we taught them to be. I suppose I feel a bit lost. Relationship with the other half is not great and I really don’t know if I want to work at fixing things. We are both very different people now and want different things. Arguments are frequent and I’ve had enough. We are lucky to be mortgage free in a house that’s worth a few bob. We could easily sell it and buy 2 smaller places. Although part of me would love the idea of a new start, the other part of me would find it difficult to dismantle the home that is so full of memories. I can’t imagine telling the ‘kids’.
Reading back through this I think I sound very sentimental, I suppose I am. I’m also practical and doing stuff on my own wouldn’t phase me. I had a serious health care 2 years ago and maybe I’m just taking stock. I really don’t know. Anyone been through this? How did it fare out? Is this just the rantings of a middle aged oul wan ?

Finchie1276

Hello

Thats a good post, well put together and clear about your issues. I guess I am at the other end of the scale, young kids, madly busy etc. I think you are looking at the next act of life and unsure. Thats perfectly normal. The decision is a big one. You either work on developing your life with your partner together or move on and create a new one. A useful book might be 'Transitions' by William Bridges - excellent at describing the phases of transition and the things we trade for the next stage. Growth and change while beneficial are hard - they involve loss and we don't like that.
There is an exercise which sounds morbid but it is very useful - 'write your obituary'...who were you, what were your roles, how did life end? Write it based on todays scenario and try out other scenarios and see what you think.

Good luck!

Big Bag of Chips

Would the option be there to remortgage a small amount, or release equity in the house in order to buy your spouse out? Have you spoken to them at all about your failing marriage and your feelings of wanting to separate? I think that should be the first step. It'll hardly come as a surprise to them and they might even be relieved.

Start with that step and see what comes from there. Try not to argue when discussing it. Keep things neutral and try to not get into a slagging match with each other.

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for the very kind and insightful replies. I think that phrase 'they involve loss and we don't like that' is really at the core of my issues. I've had a lot of that in various forms in recent years and it's been tough.
I've ordered that book and am looking forward to reading it. I'm also going to do as Big Bag suggests and open some sort of dialogue this weekend. As for writing my obit, that scares the bejeezus out of me but I'll give it a go.
I have come to one decision over the past couple of days - I am putting my health first before anything else. Not sleeping, splitting headaches, feeling sick and I won't let this continue. This time 2 years ago I was in a stroke unit and was very, very lucky to emerge without any lasting effects. I may not be so lucky again. I don't handle confrontation/conflict very well and it has taken it's toll. I want peace and calm and that is the way I am moving forward wherever that may be.
Thanks again x

LegacyUser

Also read "The Course of Love" by Alain de Botton....imo should be mandatory reading for everyone in a relationship.

Jurgen Klopp

You sound like a tough cookie with working, rearing kids and caring for parents while you were also doing a degree.

However and I mean this with genuine concern, perhaps all this constant "go" for want of a word isn't helping you with your health and stress issues.

I get some people love being busy but frankly it's no wonder you nearly got a stroke.

I would suggest maybe trying to find some relaxing non hectic hobbies and try not to fill your diary just to keep your mind off feeling down when your not busy

Aufbau

Empty Nester wrote: »

I think that phrase 'they involve loss and we don't like that' is really at the core of my issues. I've had a lot of that in various forms in recent years and it's been tough.

It sounds like it's time to create a life for you yourself, a life that you want. If you can (even partially) visualise what you are beginning to create then the hope and energy of that makes any losses part of a progression and bearable. For me the impetus to change was a sense of desperation, of my back against the wall. It took time, but the relief from stress was tremendous and my adult children much prefer happy parents.

I have come to one decision over the past couple of days - I am putting my health first before anything else. Not sleeping, splitting headaches, feeling sick and I won't let this continue. This time 2 years ago I was in a stroke unit and was very, very lucky to emerge without any lasting effects. I may not be so lucky again. I don't handle confrontation/conflict very well and it has taken it's toll. I want peace and calm and that is the way I am moving forward wherever that may be.

Well done. This is your time now.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the positivity and good vibes. Lots of good advice to take on board. Feel in a much better place now than when I first posted.It really is great to get so much feedback and made to smile when I read how others viewed me. Lot of truth in your replies

professore

Ten years I was working, running the house, doing a degree and looking after my elderly parents and I loved it, I liked being busy.

This struck a chord with me OP. My relationship with my wife went through a very rough patch and I also liked "being busy" which really meant having as little time as possible to spend with her. I wonder is there a little or a lot of this with you too? Doing all the above leaves very little time to think, let alone for your spouse... Do you think this could be a big part of the reason for the poor relationship you have now?

LegacyUser

professore wrote: »

This struck a chord with me OP. My relationship with my wife went through a very rough patch and I also liked "being busy" which really meant having as little time as possible to spend with her. I wonder is there a little or a lot of this with you too? Doing all the above leaves very little time to think, let alone for your spouse... Do you think this could be a big part of the reason for the poor relationship you have now?

Very much so Professore, we were like ships that passed in the night for years and still are.
We didn't have any common activities and only went out together occasionally. We tend to go out with friends and family rather than together. We went/go away for weekends and holidays and get on fine but rarely do normal stuff together. Definitely more my fault than his. Being a busy control freak like me means you shun offers of help or company. Gosh I have a lot to think about.

professore

Empty Nester wrote: »

Very much so Professore, we were like ships that passed in the night for years and still are.
We didn't have any common activities and only went out together occasionally. We tend to go out with friends and family rather than together. We went/go away for weekends and holidays and get on fine but rarely do normal stuff together. Definitely more my fault than his. Being a busy control freak like me means you shun offers of help or company. Gosh I have a lot to think about.

Is there any possibility you could rekindle things? If you live a long time with someone you tend to see them as part of the furniture rather than that human being that had hopes and dreams that you fell for in the first place. We managed to do it but it took a lot of work in the beginning. It might not be possible but it might be worth a go. If you could get on well you could have a great time together.

LegacyUser

Thanks Professore, fair play to you for hanging in there and making things work. I'm going to spend the next few weeks focusing on myself, gonna be a bit nicer to myself. Get out on the bike, do some extra yoga classes and get my head sorted. And then..... we'll see.
Thanks again everyone