Married and friends with benefits

LegacyUser

Hi, posting anonymously for this. About three year ago I started becoming friends with a married lady who I met through my social circle, I'm also married BTW. Anyway we've over time become close and would say we're best friends. We support each other and look out for each other. We're both happy at home with our own partners and never saw this as anything more than friendship. No romantic feelings or similar developed Anyway out of the blue some months back we figured out that neither of us were satisfied sexually at home, so yes here's the punchline, we slept together. Before we ended up in bed together we discussed everything and set boundaries, if it happened it happened and next day we go back to the way things were before, agreed that we wouldn't let romantic feeling develop. We also agreed no regularity in the sex and if it only happened the once then so be it. Fast forward six months to now, sex has happened a total of three times, each time we just go back to normal after and there's no awkwardness or anything. We consider it friends with benefits, even tho we know that it' the incorrect term considering neither of us is single. And yes we don't have our head buried in the sand, correct term is affair, we both know that, emotional up until it became sexual. Thing is we're wondering has anyone else been in similar situation? Can we really keep this casual random sexual and revert back to the way things were, or are we only fooling ourselves. Unlike a lot of affairs ours didn't start sexual, actually sex was the last thing we thought we'd seek from each other, but now it has. Basically we think we can control the situation but unsure if we 100% can. We're not asking to be judged or anything, we know it's wrong what we're doing.

woodchuck

OP if you know it's wrong, why do you continue to do it?

You seem very focused on trying to define what kind of relationship you have with this other women, but haven't once mentioned whether or not you'd like to try and work things out with your wife.

I think you need to sort out your home situation before anything else...

judeboy101

You lucky dog. Life's too short and there is no hell, so enjoy yourselves.

.......

hiya john wrote: »

Can we really keep this casual random sexual and revert back to the way things were, or are we only fooling ourselves.

Well you are certainly fooling your spouses.

Whats the point? Why are either of you staying married?

Seems like both marriages must be severely lacking if one spouse from each one is happy to have an affair.

Xterminator

Hi Op

I'll keep my advice short and to the point.

Please imagine what would happen to both your family and her family if the affair became public knowledge. Partners betrayed and perhaps children's lives altered forever? Hurting people you love. Can you picture trying to explain this to any children you have, or your mum/dad/sister?

A lifetimes repercussions for a moments pleasure.

So im not judging, but i think your being reckless. And if it were only your own life you were being reckless with, that would be a consenting adults choice. But because your action affect others - i think you are being selfish too.

FitzElla

OP you are both having an affair, you are no different from any other cheating spouses no matter what "friends with benefits" label or justification you use. It is a horrible betrayal of your spouses and yes you are both fooling yourself if you think you are in control. That is not a judgement, it is simply stating the facts.

Do the right thing and either call it off and work on your marriage or start the separation process.

klm1

I'm a big believer in 'You Reap What you Sow', not Karma as such, but do bad things, bad things happen.

You're both cheating on your partners and your families. There is no good side to this.

hiya john wrote: »

Thing is we're wondering has anyone else been in similar situation? Can we really keep this casual random sexual and revert back to the way things were, or are we only fooling ourselves.

What do you want from this? What end do you see to it?

Maybe you will both grow old without being caught, eventually neither of you are physically able for it so it stops. Will you be able to live with having cheated on your poor wife all your life? What about your children? Will you be able to teach morality to them knowing your a cheating ****?

Alternately, you both continue, one or the other of you gets caught, it falls from there, you're both found out. Your partners leave you. Your families hate you. All this for meaningless, unemotional sex? Where will you pick your life up from there? What are you both teaching your children about relationships?

Your actions affect others, you're p1ssing all over them.

I really wish people would consider the possible effects their actions have on others before jumping into such deviousness.

Mr. Incognito

Hello there

You WILL get caught. Either she will tell her husband or be caught out or you will and you better believe there will be hell to pay for it.

The sensible thing to do is to end it.

You dont seem too bothered by the possible ramifications but you will in the future when it comes out and you threw everything away for a fling.

SusieBlue

How do you think your wife and her husband would feel about this?
Zero mention of either of them in your OP, this isn't just about you and her you know.

Perhaps they should be consulted and you can all come up with a suitable arrangement that all parties are agreeable with and actually consent to.
You don't seem to have much honesty or integrity but at least have the respect for your wife to let her decide if she wants to continue a marriage to a man who has a bit on the side.
I have a feeling you won't though, because that isn't in your own self interest. You want to have your cake and eat it.

What you are doing is very very very wrong, and the effect this will have on your poor wife WHEN she finds out can't be ignored.
Do the decent thing, either end your affair or end your marriage. Either way your wife deserves the truth.

woodchuck

Mod note:

Tina82 and Willie Stroker 1976 both carded for personal abuse and the offending remarks have been removed.

OP I'm removing your subsequent posts calling out these posters just so they don't clog up the thread unnecessarily.


This is a reminder to all to only post in a civil and constructive manner to offer advice to the OP. Personal abuse will NOT be tolerated.

Pauliedragon

If you have half a brain you know what you're doing is abhorant to most people. The reactions on here should tell you what most people think. I always wondered when I read hear things like this what's the reaction you're after? I've had friends in your situation and when they came to me about it I told them what I thought of them even though they knew beforehand I would hammer them so I think people like that are hoping that coming onto boards or wherever people will somehow say its grand and give you and your conscience the green light to keep going. It's clear you know it's wrong so the only question is am I happy to keep betraying my family? If yes go for it, if no stop doing it. An anonymous Internet forum is of zero use to you.
Edit. It's not just your family you're betraying its hers aswell.

LegacyUser

Pauliedragon wrote: »

If you have half a brain you know what you're doing is abhorant to most people. The reactions on here should tell you what most people think. I always wondered when I read hear things like this what's the reaction you're after? I've had friends in your situation and when they came to me about it I told them what I thought of them even though they knew beforehand I would hammer them so I think people like that are hoping that coming onto boards or wherever people will somehow say its grand and give you and your conscience the green light to keep going. It's clear you know it's wrong so the only question is am I happy to keep betraying my family? If yes go for it, if no stop doing it. An anonymous Internet forum is of zero use to you.
Edit. It's not just your family you're betraying its hers aswell.

Maybe I need to see posts like that to tell me the obvious. Thanks to all who have commented sensibly and without judgement.

shesty

Nope.
There's nothing else to say. Go pick up any chick lit book and you will get a couple of ideas of how this will end. Not well, by the way. This isn't just about you two, it's about your spouses, kids (if there are any), extended families and friends.
It's just a matter of time before it comes out.

Willie Stroker 1976

<SNIP>

Mod warning:

Do not post in this thread again.

Any futher off topic or abusive posts will be actioned. You will not be warned again.

Pauliedragon

Is there one thing ye never considered OP? You say ye are best friends and ye have taken the step of making that relationship intimate. Maybe ye have genuinely fallen for each other? It happens. I'm divorced. No kids or infedelity involved. We literally figured out we were just going through the motions and whilst it was ultimately her decision we both knew it was over. We're still on good terms. These things happen.

skallywag

hiya john wrote: »

...We're both happy at home with our own partners...

I certainly don't agree with this statement OP.

I'm happy at home with my partner, that's why I would not let something like this happen. If I was not happy then perhaps I could find myself in the same situation, who knows.

I think you need to address this topic first and foremost.

Prominent_Dawg

You should watch the Christopher Watts videos on YouTube op, might open your eyes!

SusanC10

skallywag wrote: »

I certainly don't agree with this statement OP.

I'm happy at home with my partner, that's why I would not let something like this happen. If I was not happy then perhaps I could find myself in the same situation, who knows.

I think you need to address this topic first and foremost.

I agree with this. I am happy in my marriage. I love my Husband. I love our 2 Kids. If an opportunity arose like you OP have described, I would end the friendship rather than be unfaithful and devastate my Husband and our family. Similarly, I would be devastated if my Husband behaved as you have done.

As Mr. Incognito has said above you will be caught. It is just a matter of time.

Make a decision. End this affair or end your marriage.

Rubberchikken

op
you know its wrong in many ways.
the people you both love are going to be very hurt because this will come out sometime - it always does.
if you both feel theres a future for you together then be honest with your partners.
or is it a case that its only attractive while illicit? only you know.
good luck

ElizaBennett

I don't believe it's possible not to be hurt by this. If you and she are really best friends and have added sex into the mix then it's inevitable that feelings will develop further and a lot of heartache could be coming your way. Remember the worst broken heart you've ever had. Now imagine going through this in secret and having to keep it all to yourself and no one to share the pain with. Even for the most selfish of reasons this is not worth the risk

Sorry about that

Hi op, what strikes me from your post is a certain smugness. You post like you're pretty pleased with yourself.
My advice is to show a little honour to the wife you promised to be faithful to, and get the hell out. (At least that's what I'd like if I was her).

Big Bag of Chips

What's wrong with your own spouses that you don't have sex with them instead?

If you want to continue, I think it only fair that you speak to your wife about opening your marriage. You never know, there maybe someone she has grown close to who'd she'd like to have sex with but is reluctant. If you tell her you'd encourage her to find her own no strings attached arrangement she might be less reluctant.

You either finish what you have with your friend because it will get found out (someone is always suspicious) or you talk to your wife about having an open relationship.

I have a feeling you'll do neither though.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

I've been there, done that and survived. I don't know why everyone insists romantic feelings will surface. They don't necessarily and didn't for me.

It does bother me that you don't mention why it happened, in my case it was inevitable that I would sleep with them. My fwb and I were married to very vanilla people and there's only so long you can go if you're a little more alternative.

People will say that you should end one of your relationships. That's not their decision, it's yours. You are the person that has to live with the consequences. Your call.

wiggle16

<SNIPPED>.

In my situation, our "arrangement" will end when my circumstances change.
In your situation, there is no predetermined change in circumstances that means your arrangement ends and you become friends. You've no reason to stop having sex because you're quite happy to be carrying on this way in the first place. Therefore it's not a FWB situation at all. You're in the same social circle. You've had sex 3 times. There's nothing that you have agreed that will crop up that will end the sexual side but leave you both as friends.

Long story short, if you think you can control this, you're likely mistaken. You're sexually attracted to one another, and you've both decided that being married is not an obstacle to having sex. With no obstacles and none coming down the line either, there's no end point. You'll continue to hook up until you are caught or develop a conscience.

As another poster has said, someone is always suspicious and the longer it goes on the more likely you are to be caught. People have affairs for all sorts of reasons and life isn't black and white - but in your case, I'm not going to agonise over the ethics of it, what you are doing is scummy and the pair of you deserve each other. If I knew you I'd shop you tonight. But I don't think anything anyone says here is going to change your mind.

When it blows up in your face you will wonder at why this is what you were worried about at the time.

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

<SNIPPED>

In your situation, there is no predetermined change in circumstances that means your arrangement ends and you become friends. You've no reason to stop having sex because you're quite happy to be carrying on this way in the first place. Therefore it's not a FWB situation at all. You're in the same social circle. You've had sex 3 times. There's nothing that you have agreed that will crop up that will end the sexual side but leave you both as friends.

Long story short, if you think you can control this, you're likely mistaken. You're sexually attracted to one another, and you've both decided that being married is not an obstacle to having sex. With no obstacles and none coming down the line either, there's no end point. You'll continue to hook up until you are caught or develop a conscience.

As another poster has said, someone is always suspicious and the longer it goes on the more likely you are to be caught.

People have affairs for all sorts of reasons and life isn't black and white - but in your case, I'm not going to agonise over the ethics of it, what you are doing is scummy and the pair of you deserve each other. If I knew you I'd shop you tonight. But I don't think anything anyone says here is going to change your mind.

When it blows up in your face you will wonder at why this is what you were worried about at the time.

To say it’s scummy and you’d shop me tonight isn’t very nice now is it?? You said before that life isn’t black and white so why call it scummy? I also asked not to be judged and you just went and did exactly that by calling our situation scummy. There are people in the world who also wouldn’t agree with your situation, how would you feel if that was called scummy. Our situation happened, we didn’t intend but it did, things happen. Your sutuation might be open but is it as perfect and plain sailing as you make it out to be? What makes you think your arrangement will end the way you want? How are you so sure feelings won’t creep in from either side and when you do go to end the sexual side of things that one of ye won’t want to end it? You seem very certain but how will the other person actually feel when this finite moment happens? And as a moderator you think it’s ok to call someone or their situation scummy? That’s a high horse your riding there, hope you don’t fall off it.

wiggle16

hiya John wrote: »

To say it’s scummy and you’d shop me tonight isn’t very nice now is it?? You said before that life isn’t black and white so why call it scummy?

Because people have affairs for many reasons. My relative had an affair. She and her husband weren't getting on and he travelled a lot. She became lonely. It doesn't excuse it but it makes her mistake more understandable. Thats one reason.
You admit you are both happy in your marriages. You decided to have an affair for very different reasons, and I don't have the same understanding for your reasons at all.

I also asked not to be judged and you just went and did exactly that by calling our situation scummy.

You posted on an internet forum that youre having an affair. You leave yourself open to peoples opinions when you ask for their opinions. Asking not to be judged is not a blanket against that. Personally I think "judgement" in this context is a buzz word in place of not wanting people to voice disagreement with your actions. But that's just me.

There are people in the world who also wouldn’t agree with your situation, how would you feel if that was called scummy.

Those people are entitled to their opinions. Those people could not say that I or the other two lads are hurting anyone. I would feel it was irrational and knee jerk to call it scummy, and therefore unjustified. Im not hurting or betraying anyone.

our situation happened, we didn’t intend but it did, things happen.

No, it didn't. Your post is quite clear about what happened. You decided to do it, to move it on from an emotional affair to a sexual one.

Your sutuation might be open but is it as perfect and plain sailing as you make it out to be? What makes you think your arrangement will end the way you want? How are you so sure feelings won’t creep in from either side and when you do go to end the sexual side of things that one of ye won’t want to end it? You seem very certain but how will the other person actually feel when this finite moment happens?

It's not perfect, and doesn't have to be. My situation is not the one under discussion. I can't know anything for certain, that's obvious. Notice I used "I hope" in my post. I never wrote about absolutes.

And as a moderator you think it’s ok to call someone or their situation scummy? That’s a high horse your riding there, hope you don’t fall off it.

My role as a moderator is not relevant. It doesn't mean I have to sugar coat my answers to you. You've responded to my post by trying to turn it on me and pick my situation apart. Perhaps I have struck a nerve and you know I'm right.

I answered your question from the point of view of soneone in a (superficially) similar situation, which is what you asked for. Maybe you should reflect on what I've said rather than dismiss it because I've used words you don't like.

SusieBlue

hiya John wrote: »

To say it’s scummy and you’d shop me tonight isn’t very nice now is it?? You said before that life isn’t black and white so why call it scummy? I also asked not to be judged and you just went and did exactly that by calling our situation scummy. There are people in the world who also wouldn’t agree with your situation, how would you feel if that was called scummy. Our situation happened, we didn’t intend but it did, things happen. Your sutuation might be open but is it as perfect and plain sailing as you make it out to be? What makes you think your arrangement will end the way you want? How are you so sure feelings won’t creep in from either side and when you do go to end the sexual side of things that one of ye won’t want to end it? You seem very certain but how will the other person actually feel when this finite moment happens? And as a moderator you think it’s ok to call someone or their situation scummy? That’s a high horse your riding there, hope you don’t fall off it.

Any consideration for your wife and her husband yet??

ginandtonicsky

Listen OP, life isn’t black and white and sexual attraction and sex drives will dip and wane in long term relationships, that’s life.

However. You stood in front of a woman and promised to love her and be faithful forever and that means you are now labouring under false pretences. Or more precisely, having your cake and eating it and not giving even half a thought to the people you are supposed to love and protect.

In a marriage, in a family it’s not about you anymore. It’s about your responsibilities to the person or the family you are now a part of, by choice, and if there’s marital problems those are to be handled responsibly too. Work on them in marriage counselling or walk away.

If you think this won’t escalate you are living in cloud cuckoo land. Regular sex with a close friend in the same predicament as you...you are playing with fire. And with two families here, two marriages, and all of the judgements and pain and complications on both sides.

I actually think it’s this “forbidden fruit” sentiment that drives people to have affairs in the first place so my honest opinion is that you need to start therapy to get to the root of your behaviour if you really want to change.

But I don’t even get the feeling that you want to change any of this. Do you? What drove you to post here?

ElizaBennett

Look OP, the problem with advice on here is that people will only be kind if you illicit their sympathy. You clearly can never do that because of what you're up to. It doesn't matter to people here that you want advice or might be hurting . You're the bad guy. You'll notice that advice is never based on the real life situation but instead on the branded 'right thing to do' which is always black and white. In essence almost everyone has taken your situation personally as an affront to their own moral code so you won't get real advice, only admonishment.
And no it is not a certainty that you will be found out. That is wishful thinking for those judging you. People cheat a the time and don't get caught. At the end of the day you have to live with yourself. That's how you decide where your red line is. Are you eaten up by guilt? Is it worth it? Weigh that up.

TCM

This will end in two broken relationships.

MarkR

You're having an affair, just you only rarely get the ride. So you're really putting everything at risk for a very fleeting return. Kind of the opposite of fwb really. When they found out, saying you only shagged a couple of times won't soften the blow.

eviltwin

If this arrangement is so great and everything why are you posting on Personal Issues?

mickuhaha

"1 -Thing is we're wondering has anyone else been in similar situation?
2- Can we really keep this casual random sexual and revert back to the way things were,
3- or are we only fooling ourselves."

1- Yes
2- no
3- yes

Just as you arrived in this situation you will without a doubt leave it as well. What will the way it ends? One happy one sad. Both sad. One or more devices.

A quick question , say you go home tomorrow after work and find out your other half felt as you do and has been having casual sex with a friend from around the corner. He just popped around one day to say hi and became friends and it leads on from there. What do you do tell her that it's fine and that you understand and she can keep doing it or tell her to stop. Will she be the same person to you. Get over yourself . You are being selfish in my opinion. I think You should go tell her right now what happened and let her make a decision as to if she still wants from this point forward.

Idle Passerby

If there's nothing wrong with the situation why not tell your spouses? I'm sure they'll be relieved your enjoying yourselves and they can give in to celibate co-parenting with their platonic pal they are presumably so content with. Everyone wins!

If you want an open relationship, the decent thing is to let your wife know that's what she's in. I doubt you need strangers to tell you that bringing an extra partner into your marriage without her knowledge is a betrayal to her and your kids.

Arrival

judeboy101 wrote: »

You lucky dog. Life's too short and there is no hell, so enjoy yourselves.

Can't believe this post got 6 thanks, some scumbags on here. There is no hell so carry on doing something morally wrong? What kind of mindset is that

DEAF LEOPARD

I did similar.
The difference was they were happy in their marriage, except the sex wasn't as frequent as they'd have liked. I wasn't happy in my marriage, for many reasons.

We were best friends.
We became lovers.
2 years .
Not all about the sex.
We still met for coffee and lunch, as we'd always done.
I knew I was falling for them but said nothing. They were too. The friendship and intimacy was enough for me.
We both travelled a lot with work and it was so easy to accommodate each other.

They were careless, once, but once was enough. Their spouse found emails and the rest is history.
Their marriage almost ended, our affair ended abruptly.

Somehow our friendship lasted.
That was the hardest thing, we didn't see each other for almost a year after it ended. My heart actually ached with the pain.
This was years ago and it took me ages to move on, but I did.

Life isn't always straightforward.
No doubt some posters will say, good enough for you.
My marriage was toxic.
A controlling person who diminished my confidence, but I did leave and am since divorced.

I have to laugh when posters ask why aren't you having sex with your spouses?
So many men, mostly men, are unhappily married, but will stay put because they can't bear the thought of leaving their children.
I have friends who are similar to how I was, they barely have a civil relationship with their wives. Haven't had sex in years.
But will stay put.
Another is happily married but has no sex life because his wife no longer wants one. He has said if by chance she made a pass at him now, he'd turn away because he was so used to getting the cold shoulder fpr years, he wouldn't know what to do any more.

OP.
If you are found out, you risk losing your best friend, your marriage, your children, only you can decide what order of preference each should take.
Be careful.

LegacyUser

DEAF LEOPARD wrote: »

I did similar.
The difference was they were happy in their marriage, except the sex wasn't as frequent as they'd have liked. I wasn't happy in my marriage, for many reasons.

We were best friends.
We became lovers.
2 years .
Not all about the sex.
We still met for coffee and lunch, as we'd always done.
I knew I was falling for them but said nothing. They were too. The friendship and intimacy was enough for me.
We both travelled a lot with work and it was so easy to accommodate each other.

They were careless, once, but once was enough. Their spouse found emails and the rest is history.
Their marriage almost ended, our affair ended abruptly.

Somehow our friendship lasted.
That was the hardest thing, we didn't see each other for almost a year after it ended. My heart actually ached with the pain.
This was years ago and it took me ages to move on, but I did.

Life isn't always straightforward.
No doubt some posters will say, good enough for you.
My marriage was toxic.
A controlling person who diminished my confidence, but I did leave and am since divorced.

I have to laugh when posters ask why aren't you having sex with your spouses?
So many men, mostly men, are unhappily married, but will stay put because they can't bear the thought of leaving their children.
I have friends who are similar to how I was, they barely have a civil relationship with their wives. Haven't had sex in years.
But will stay put.
Another is happily married but has no sex life because his wife no longer wants one. He has said if by chance she made a pass at him now, he'd turn away because he was so used to getting the cold shoulder fpr years, he wouldn't know what to do any more.

OP.
If you are found out, you risk losing your best friend, your marriage, your children, only you can decide what order of preference each should take.
Be careful.

Thanks for empathetic reply, makes a change from the black and white morally correct replies. Your situation sounds so similar to ours, it’s not all just about the sex, again the friendship and intimacy is enough. I know we’re playing with fire, we both know it, but as you say life isn’t always straightforward and by the book.

woodchuck

Arrival wrote: »

Can't believe this post got 6 thanks, some scumbags on here. There is no hell so carry on doing something morally wrong? What kind of mindset is that

Mod warning:

Arrival, if you have a problem with a post, report it. Off-topic posting is not permitted in PI. Please refamiliarise yourself with the forum charter.

LegacyUser

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Look OP, the problem with advice on here is that people will only be kind if you illicit their sympathy. You clearly can never do that because of what you're up to. It doesn't matter to people here that you want advice or might be hurting . You're the bad guy. You'll notice that advice is never based on the real life situation but instead on the branded 'right thing to do' which is always black and white. In essence almost everyone has taken your situation personally as an affront to their own moral code so you won't get real advice, only admonishment.
And no it is not a certainty that you will be found out. That is wishful thinking for those judging you. People cheat a the time and don't get caught. At the end of the day you have to live with yourself. That's how you decide where your red line is. Are you eaten up by guilt? Is it worth it? Weigh that up.

Thank you for the open minded reply

Sorry about that

You're a gas character op! Delighted with yourself in the first post, then pussin' a bit when strangers spell it out for you, and the sincere thank yous for the replies you're hoping to get!!!

Marriage is hard for everyone, yes, everyone. And you've broken yours. Hopefully you don't have children to mess up, as well as a spouse.

Markcheese

A lot of very judgey posts,
But, Ye have put yourselves in a very risky situation,
For yourselves and your families,
, as someone above said ye can be as discrete as ye like but someone will slip up...
Plus ye care about each other and meet up a fair bit, it'll either escalate or one side will feel they want more as an answer to their own home issues (everyone has home issues at some stage), Anyway your relationship (relationships) are unlikely to stay as they are, and are you prepared for that...
anyhow, best of luck...

skallywag

I think that the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here.

Despite any amount of preaching down from an Ivory Tower, one can end up finding themselves in such a situation if they are not happy with their lives. I posted earlier that I would see the root cause here as happiness with one's lot at home, and I stand by that.

I was also once in a relationship where I strayed, and if I had been asked at the time I would have given an identical type of response to that of the OP, i.e. I would have said that things were happy at home. I actually genuinely believed that. It's only now, with the benefit of hindsight, that I can really see that I wasn't happy at all. It ended badly for me and I lost everything. That tends to be the way that these things work out in my experience.

I'm not sure what advice to offer OP, apart from taking a look about what you may possibly still be able to do at home in order to fix this. I get the feeling from your posts that you have most likely crossed the Rubicon already though, and I think you know this.

SusieBlue

hiya John wrote: »

Thanks for empathetic reply, makes a change from the black and white morally correct replies. Your situation sounds so similar to ours, it’s not all just about the sex, again the friendship and intimacy is enough. I know we’re playing with fire, we both know it, but as you say life isn’t always straightforward and by the book.

If the friendship, intimacy and sex you are having with this woman is worth destroying your family for, then you need to end your marriage.
I don't doubt your feelings for this woman are legit, but its highly selfish to have your cake and eat it.

I agree life isn't straightforward or by the book and unfortunately, these things happen.
Its just life.
But by continuing the affair you are making things less straightforward and complicating things even further.
You need to be honest with your wife, who appears to be nothing more than a fleeting thought in your whole situation. This is her marriage too.
She deserves to know the truth.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Life is complicated, people are complex, life isn't black and white and it's very easy to judge from the outside.

However, you are deliberately and voluntarily engaging in behaviour which if found out will rip through what you describe as two happy marriages. And it's very likely to be found out. You're asking if it's likely that romantic feelings will develop when close friends engage in clandestine sex. Yeah they almost certainly will.

You know what you're doing is wrong, you're not looking for judgement, the input you seem to want is how likely this is to blow up in your face. Very, is the answer.

Lack of sexual intimacy can destroy a person, I know. Have you taken steps to address this with your wife, is she aware it's an issue? Relationships are complicated, no judgey judies etc but hopefully fcuking your friend was pretty far down the list of things you tried in your quest to resolve the problem?

ginandtonicsky

Acknowledging that life is not black and white is not a Carte Blanche to do whatever the hell you want with reckless abandon for the consequences for your wife and wider families.

Yes, life is many shades of gray, marriages are many shades of falling in and out of like and love with your partner, a sex life that ebbs and flows and is sometimes non-existent, life stresses and daily busy schedules that will put your relationship on the back burner very often.

You have enough insight into the trouble you’re in to have posted an anonymous thread here looking for answers. You’ve not liked most of what you’ve read. Partly because it doesn’t take account of your reality, which is a complicated marriage that’s not fulfilling you, whether you’re prepared to admit that or not, and a kindred spirit who’s in the exact same place as you and is fulfilling the intimacy/sex side of things for you both.

You also don’t like it because you don’t think of yourself as this bad man, this villain that cheats on your wife and doesn’t care about anyone but himself that you’ve been painted to be. Maybe that’s not who you are. But this is how you’re behaving, regardless of how “grey” life is - we all know that affairs aren’t uncommon, life happens in unexpected ways, but you are now by definition a philanderer. A man who is disrespecting his wife and his wedding vows and taking the weak option when it comes to resolving his marriage.

I don’t think this is who you want to be. What other people are up to and the fact of life being complicated does not justify your dishonest and unkind behaviour. You have to live the lie at the end of the day.

Big Bag of Chips

What's stopping you and your friend from leaving your respective spouses and being together properly? You seem to have a connection. You are good friends you clearly enjoy each other's company. The sex is good. Why not make a proper go of it?

All it takes is one slip. One neighbour/friend/colleague to suspect something for this to fall apart with devastating consequences. Would you honestly leave your wife for her? Would she leave her husband for you? Marriages breakdown all the time.

If you wouldn't choose to leave your spouses for each other then you really need to consider what will happen if you get found out. Yes, I'm sure people get away with affairs all the time, but affairs also get found out, and it's never pretty when that happens. Only you can decide if it's worth the risk. But I suppose once you've crossed that line it's difficult to go back.

paw patrol

if you are happy doing this occasionally, then go for it. It's your life and you only get one shot at it. Live it by your rules and not by the opinions of others.

uck51js9zml2yt

You made a promise to your wife when you married her.
If you're unwilling to keep that promise then at least be honest with her and end your marriage.
Please don't kid yourself that you love her. You don't. You wouldn't be doing what you are if you did.

shesty

Your question is can you keep this going or are you fooling yourselves OP.


The longer it goes on, the more likely you will be found out for starters. And secondly, no, the status quo will change. One or both of you will develop deeper feelings, will want more.



So what do you want to do? Because if you keep going you're going to have to make the decision eventually - commit to this relationship and leave your marriage, or vice versa. Only it is shades of grey because it's not just your decision any more. Or hers. It's your relationship with your wife, her relationship with her husband, both relationships with your kids (if any), your workings lives and how you finance your living situations (buy out of mortgages or whatever) and so on and so on.



So the short answer is it's only a matter of time before the fallout starts to happen from this.

Ursus Horribilis

It doesn't really matter whether anyone else has been in this situation or not. One person's experience isn't going to be the same as anyone else's. Why did you start this thread? What are you looking for from it?

misshaversham

Going straight to commenting without reading what anyone else says. I'm a married woman who has been there done that and won't even say never again. Explore your feelings. It sounds like you are having a great time. Are you falling in love? There is a tipping point. The people who leave their marriage are the ones who think the new life is more exciting/ better. Or is your home life likely better.

Otherwise, if you are just lovers... for me the rule is three times. Then I say, ok, nice but onwards. Let it settle into something else. You could possibly still keep your friendship if you see it this way.

Now I'll go see what everyone else has said.