Guilt over spending money

LegacyUser

Im early 30's, grew up poor, all my clothes were second hand or hand me downs, my shoes were often too big so id 'grow into them' - they still dont fit me, my uniform was too small and I had the same PE tracksuit from 3rd class to 6th class, there was never much food in the house and most of it was canned or gone off, we used to eat brown bananas and cut mold off bread.
All my friends had the newest runners, school bags and clothes, got lovely stuff for Christmas and birthdays off their parents and always got money off them too.
It didnt bother me when I was young, I was always grateful for what I got, it wasnt until I got older that I realised it wasnt that parents didnt have money, they just didnt want to spend it and especially not on me.
Growing up my mother would constantly throw it in my face the money she spent on me for doctors visits, nappies, baby food and that there was a time when I was born that she couldnt afford cigarettes and had smoke butts from the ashtry because all the money was being spent on baby food. I think she always resented spending money on me, my brothers were allot more spoiled than I was and giving them money was never a problem but they always had notions about me becoming a spoiled little princess so gave me nothing instead.

I put myself through college, it was tough having no support, I had weeks at a time without anything to eat waiting for my grant to come in that had been cut in the recession, my shoes were falling apart from the seems, all the while my parents were supporting my older brother who was living comfortably in a nice apartment with no job yet always had new phones, computers, clothes, went on holidays and could afford to drink every weekend.

I then put myself through a postgrad after spending a couple of years saving. Now im finally working and earning my own money, the money isnt amazing or anything and the jobs not entirely secure but having my own money in my back pocket and actually being able to buy things is a great feeling, ive never felt this free before, ive even started putting money aside to learn how to drive and ive got a rainy day fun of 5,000 saved - I know thats probably not an awful lot of money but its more than Ive ever had so im happy with my self for saving it and im continuing to save what I can.

I suppose my issues is, ive realised that I dont know how to have money, I havnt a clue what to do with it so ive been spending it on ridiculous things that I dont need just because I see someone else has one and I like the look of it.

When I started the new job I didnt get paid for a couple of weeks but got back dated so I had nearly 2000 in my account, I saved about 400 and the rest I spent within a couple of days on clothes, shoes, bags, coats. I spent 300 on skincare in one day. I bought a fitness watch for no reason, I dont exercise besides going for walks into town a few times a week, it was a pointless spontaneous purchase, that said I have used it everyday since and its making me more aware of my over all fitness and diet but its the random spontaneity of the purchase that frightens me.
Its like I just cant help myself, I see something I like and I have to buy it straight away, I also have to buy in bulk, so ill buy 3 or 4 pairs of pants or jeans over a couple of days instead of just 1 pair. Its like im afraid ill end up with nothing again so I feel like I had to buy everything now before I lose all my money and im poor again.

The thing is though, im never happy when ive purchased something, I feel guilty and like I need to hide what ive bought especially from my parents, regardless how much the item cost, whether it was 500 euro or a fiver, I feel really guilty for spending.

The other thing is, whenever I buy something, im back online browsing for more stuff nearly straight away. Ive been trying to keep the spending down and I have stopped buying so many clothes and shoes, I haven't bought either in a couple of weeks and I havnt gotten myself into any debt or financial disarray, ive got no credit cards but I do use my bank card for transactions and ive noticed how im much more likely to spend this way and save less as im not physically parting with cash, ive been doing this ever since my bank moved to the other side of town, I never use to use other bank machines because I liked to check my account before taking out money, as I cant do this with other bank machines I dont bother using them so I just use my card to buy stuff.

Im just not sure if my spending habits are healthy or not, as I said I have slowed down my spending but I still have a list of things that I want like a new phone, I want to go to a dental hygienist, I want to get my hair done, I also want to try facial fillers and get my teeth whitened, join a gym, learn how to drive, buy a car and I have a feeling of urgency about buying these things, I cant wait just incase I dont get more work and ive no money or they higher prices and I wont be able to afford them anymore - just typing that I see how ridiculous it sounds.
I also know that once I get all these things there'll be a new list of things I want.
I would never get myself into any financial debts but I just worry that my spending habits are not normal. Can anyone offer advice?

joeguevara

A girl in our office is a shopaholic. She makes a purchase every day usually for her 2 year old. However she uses a revolut card where she has set a budget of x amount every day. Think it’s 20 or 25. She is disciplined enough that she will only spend on discretionary items with this card.

I also think it would be a good idea to do a line by line forecast/budget. This will enable you to plan your weekly and monthly spending and give you an idea of what you can and cannot do. Then do a wishlist of everything you would like in the short, medium and long term. These are things that you really want and will hopefully mean that you dont feel guilty as let’s say buying a random product with no plan e.g. the fitness watch.

You should put your savings into a ring fenced account and get advice to see if it can earn you money. You also might need some advice on your relationship with your mother. Her attitude and behavior towards you has made you a prolific spontaneous shopper as a way to rebel but then feel the guilt because of how it would probably make your mother angry.

It’s your life. Forget about the memories of how you were treated growing up. Be happy in yourself that you landed yourself a good job which is a great achievement and showed that it was worth it putting yourself through college. Be proud.

zapper55

In terms of pure budgeting you could allocate a certain amount of your salary to savings, say 300 and after Bill's,rent, insurance etc you could put the rest towards the things you want to get. Decide what is the biggest priority. I tend to go with health as fixing something small now can stop something bigger in a few years, such as going for a dental check up.

But honestly it's not budgeting that you need. It sounds like you are spending money to give yourself the love you didnt feel as a child. No amount of spending will fill that. I'd strongly recommend a counsellor. Ask your doctor for a recommendation.

Dial Hard

I'm confused - what do you mean your shoes still don't fit you?

Anyway, you're clearly using spending as a substitute for the neglect you suffered during your childhood, but obviously it's not making you happy and it has the potential to become financially problematic. Have you ever been to counselling for your childhood issues? I think that's step 1. Step 2 is downloading a budgeting/spend tracker app and forensically logging EVERYTHING you spend for a couple of months - seeing the amount you've blown through actually written down in black and white might scare a bit of sense into you. Money Manager is a good one.

Finally - leave the wallet at home during the week. I'm a divil for going out for lunch even when I have something in with me so I've started just leaving my wallet at home every morning. No wallet means you can't go out for lunch, you can't hit the shops on the way home and you can't shop online (make sure your card details aren't saved in your account on any of the sites you use). You still need to work on *why* you feel the need to spend like you do but in the meantime, removing your ability to shop is at least doing something practical.

fed_u

Firstly you should be so proud of supporting yourself through your education and getting to where you are today!!
You simply don't know what to do with your money and that's understandable! I suggest you make a list of things you actually need and things you want - the need items take priority and sort of end up a savings goal! I would have been terrible with money but found that I cut out frivolous spending on rubbish which gave me that bit of extra money to use towards what I needed.. Don't be hard on yourself but be more aware of where your money is going!!

Guiltyspender

Guiltyspender wrote: »

.. I still have a list of things that I want like a new phone,

Do you really need a cutting edge phone? Plenty of cheap SECONDHAND android smartphones are on offer, along with second hand iPhones if that is your fancy.

Guiltyspender wrote: »

.join a gym,

This can go. Excerise in the great outdoors like I do.

meeeeh

You didn't have much growing up and through the college. There is nothing wrong with having big shop to treat yourself. However I don't think you ever learned how to budget on a bit more money than bare necessity. It's not uncommon, it seems to be the reason many lotto winners end up bankrupt.

Look into what you need to pay rent, food, bills and keep this away. Then see how much you want to save and create direct debit for that. The rest is your spending money but try not to buy something straight away but instead wait. I often fill the shopping basket when I'm just browsing then I exit the site for a day. In vast majority of cases I don't proceed with the purchase. If you are joining the gym try to buy monthly subscription or just pay for first few visits. If you are still going after couple of months them you can look into setting up direct debit. Another thing I noticed is that you are planning to spend or spending an awful lot on beauty products and treatments. Don't follow influencers, they are paid to tell you how great some treatment is. The truth is that most people won't even notice the difference after you have it. If you like the foundation you are using don't buy another one till that one is almost empty, the same goes for other products. Also unsubscribe from mailing lists, online retailers want you to get emails because they know they can entice you to buy stuff that way.

There is nothing wrong with spending a bit of money on yourself but rather than buying something because it's cheap or because you are bored buy something because you really like it.

.......

meeeeh wrote: »

I often fill the shopping basket when I'm just browsing then I exit the site for a day. In vast majority of cases I don't proceed with the purchase.

This is what I do too. It substantially cuts down on impulsive online spending.

I also allow impulse buying on Aliexpress up to as tenner in value, once or twice a month. Just small frivolous things that I dont need but like the look of.

Also the above advice re budgeting what you need for rent, groceries etc...

The single most important thing to me is to save something. Id rather save a bit over frivolous spending.

Kurn

Once your bills and savings are sorted, anything left over is yours to enjoy guilt-free. Make that decision and enjoy your allocated entertainment/shopping funds!

witchgirl26

OP - first off well done on the earning and having savings put aside for things too. Not easy.

I can empathise on the spending thing. We weren't very well off when I was growing up. We got by and I never went without the basics but we didn't have a huge amount of excess that could be used. Got my first job at 16 (summers were always worked) and because I knew how temporary it was, I saved massively and spent very little. It was only when I got my first full-time permanent role that I went a bit mad. I was buying designer make-up continuously (my sister joked I had more than the counter in Arnotts), went on expensive holidays, bought crazy presents for friends and family and generally, once my bills were paid, blew through the rest of my money. It was going from having nothing to having more than enough and it went to my head. I also used spending as a way of dealing with a traumatic event that co-insided with having money for the first time. Spending made me happy even for those brief few minutes and that helped. Not healthy but it's understandable.

Good news is, it did settle down after a bit. Don't be over harsh on yourself in terms of it. You're enjoying your gains. That said, think about what you're buying. Instead of buying 3 or 4 pairs of jeans, buy 1 and tell yourself you can go back and get others if they are comfy, look good, wear well. Most of the time, you might not go back because they aren't as good as you think or you will but you know then that you actually do want them.

Look I think the budgeting ideas are meant well but often it doesn't matter what you write down when you're stuck in this cycle. I had fantastic looking budgets and ideas but realistically more effort went into writing them then ever went into following them.

The idea of the Revolut card is good - you can set it that it rounds up to the nearest 5 or 10 euro per spend and that goes into savings. Also as you have to top it up, it's a double step to purchasing which can make you think.

At the moment, spending is giving you a very temporary buzz so you do need to look for something else that gives you that buzz but that doesn't necessarily cost as much. Is there a hobby you enjoy or something you've always wanted to take up that you could devote some of your energy that goes into shopping to?

Tiddlypeeps

I was in a fairly similar position when I got my first proper paying job after college. I was always very good with money when I had very little, but went a bit mad when I finally had some to spare. For me the need to buy things all the time passed after about a year or so. The novelty wore off and also that feeling of "if I don't buy it now I might not be able to in the future" went away.

I'd say you should just let yourself enjoy it for a while. You've gone without for long enough. It sounds like you are being responsible enough, you have a rainy day fund saved up, you aren't getting yourself into debt, so I say go for it and enjoy for a while.

I agree with others who have said you should talk to someone tho. Your rough childhood has very likely left lasting marks on you that you should deal with at some point. Not so you can stop spending the money you have worked very hard to earn, but so that you can actually allow yourself to enjoy it, you have no reason to feel guilty.

You have done so much and come so far, it's totally fine to enjoy the fruits of your labour.

joeguevara

I am going to say something that is not going to be too popular and I mean this as a short term thing rather than a way to live your life.

People spend way too much time thinking about the future and making sacrifices now in order to be secure later on. They forget about the now and enjoying every day. This is usually based on things that happened in the past and wanting to make sure it doesn’t happen in the future. But hat means that they live their life in a time that has already happened and a time that is going to happen and not in a time that is actually happening.

So. Live it up a little. Enjoy now and treat yourself. Forget about guilt and forget about being sensible. Travel. Spoil yourself with gadgets, clothes, nights out. Nobody remembers the slush fund they had when thinking back on their life. They remembered the spur of the moment trip to Amsterdam or the night they felt like a rockstar in their dream outfit.

Life is for living. Now once you have made enough memories to do you for a while, then it’s time to be a bit more sensible. But don’t scrimp for the future if it makes you feel miserable now, you die once but you live every day. Make every day the best you can,

Neyite

Firstly, your mother is a selfish wagon, sorry. To resent your child to the extent you frame yourself smoking butts because you had to buy baby food and somehow make it the child's fault is fcuked up. She chose to have you. The vast majority of mothers would go without the skin on their backs to make sure their kids had full bellies. I'm sorry you had a mother like that and her parenting left a lot to be desired.

But look at you! you got yourself through college, through a PHD and into gainful employment off the back of that dysfunctional and probably abusive childhood. That's pretty impressive and you should be well proud of yourself.

So ok, you splurged a bit -we've all done it with a big payslip. And emergency tax or back pay given to you in a lump sum must have been tempting. But you are an adult and as long as you didn't get yourself into debt with those payday loans and you can see you need to curb it, it's all good. It's your money and you can do what you want with it.

We all have our wish-lists. That's normal. There's one level where it's normal stuff that we will get on payday, then there's the stuff that you have to save for, like a holiday or veneers or whatever. And then there's the lotto wish list .

I grew up poor. I'm still not rich or anything and during the recession I had to really mind the pennies, so I get really guilty buying myself stuff with my own money and I've had to work on that - a lot! I'd buy cheap things but they didn't last and only now I'm learning that the money I spend on well made clothes and accessories, is money well spent and actually is value for money in the long run.

Set up a credit union account, often they are a bit more of a PITA to dip into and set up a direct debit of a reasonable amount from your salary every pay day. You wont' feel it adding up but you'll be saving regularly and that will make you fee a bit more in control of your cash. And if you decide to splurge some of that on a trip or something you know you want? Why not? it is your money after all.