Girl i have been seeing is being distant....how to get her back?

simplemann30

Thank you for reading this and giving me your input.



So i am a 30 year old man and she is a 30 year old women. we have been casually seeing each other since the end of november. it started with just a casual drink one week then the following week going out to a club and me bringing her back to my place. she was rather aggressive in wanted to move thing a little farther than i was willing and we had a little too much to drink so we just fooled around a bit and went to bed. she was very affectionate the next morning and wanted to come over the next week. she came over and i made her dinner and she spent the night, i was still not ready for sex. We went out 4 or 5 more times throughout the next few week and made out every time we went out alone together.

You all should know the morning off our first night together she told me she was going through a divorce and wanted me to know that. she has no children and was married for 4 years.



We went out with her friends a couple times and she seem distant and a bit cold to me, she doesnt kiss me when we part for the night, her friends do know that i do have romantic interest with her and are fine with that.



now it has been a couple weeks since we have gone out together, she was supposed to come over last friday but she had to call it off because she was sick. over the last three weeks she has become a bit distant by not initiating texts and such. i will text her and she replies almost immediately, though with short replies. her divorce is supposed to be finalized very shortly so im thinking she might be preoccupied with that but i am not sure.



i just dont know what to do about how i can get her attraction back up and to get our relationship back to the way it was?



Shes on a trip this weekend and i told her that i wanted to take her out the following week so and for her to get back to me when shes free, she works alot. she replied that is sounded perfect and added a smiley face at the end.



What can i do to get her interest up without making her run away by me being to needy and pushy?



Thanks for the help....

Flyingsnowball

There are no magic tricks or tactical strategies really.

If it works it works if it doesn’t you move on. She probably wanted to be with somebody to feel better about losing her marriage and proving to herself she still has it and now thinks she can do better.
She probably seen you with sauce on your face one night eating dinner and thought ugh the state of him.

Maybe some other buck caught her eye or she doesn’t want to settle down.

Que sera sera and all that.

ginandtonicsky

Don’t touch newly or not-yet divorced people with a barge pole. Sounds harsh but sometimes you need to be, especially where affairs of the heart are concerned. She is likely playing the field and experimenting with dating and meeting lots of men, trying to find her feet after a long term relationship & marriage.

Assume you met her online? If so, you’ve got to expect she’s talking to loads of other people and isn’t ready or willing to settle back into a relationship for quite a while. Divorced people are often in extreme “once bitten twice shy” mode as well so she’s probably not anywhere near emotionally available.

Set a higher price on yourself. She’s not expressing interest, so don’t put all your eggs in this basket. Look for someone who wants the pleasure of your company at every opportunity.

joeguevara

Never chase after someone to be in your life. If you get the feeling that you are running and getting nothing in return then you need to respect yourself and walk away. Let them know you want to meet. Try and arrange a time. If it’s not concrete follow up once more. If still not confirmed politely say that you’d like to see her and when she knows when she can to contact you. There is playing hard to get and then being ignorant. Also a person shows their feelings by actions rather than words. Simple to text perfect with a smiley emoji. Actually arranging and doing it is what matters.

Also if she was pushing you and making you feel uncomfortable is that the type of person you want to start a relationship with. There’s being passionate and then there is someone who doesn’t respect how you feel.

Are you really interested in this or do you think it is something you should end?

LegacyUser

She's looking to get laid, you're trying to date her and build something.... Not looking for the same things, move on.

Jurgen Klopp

I'm not being funny but have you actually had sex yet? I understand if you want to wait but it's what 9 or 10 weeks you've been seeing each other?

Could be simply she thinks your not that into her or just she wants to be poll axed and got sick of waiting

simplemann30

Yes i am very interested in this women, we had a very deep connection at the beginning, we share alot in common. Also we have not what i feel have had sex, just messed around. We havent been able to link up these last 2 weeks or so. in the beginning i was all in my head and couldnt perform to what i know my ability to be. she was receptive og that and told me it was alright and she isnt going anywhere.

joeguevara

simplemann30 wrote: »

Yes i am very interested in this women, we had a very deep connection at the beginning, we share alot in common. Also we have not what i feel have had sex, just messed around. We havent been able to link up these last 2 weeks or so. in the beginning i was all in my head and couldnt perform to what i know my ability to be. she was receptive og that and told me it was alright and she isnt going anywhere.

I gave my advice above about not chasing but honestly it could be a lost cause. You say you had a deep connection but only know her a short time. This may be too intense for some people. Then the intensity caused performance issues (nothing wrong with that) and then she’s gone cold and distant in last 2 weeks. She is getting out of a divorce and probably didn’t want anything hot and heavy. Then through no fault of your own was probably thinking not for me.

I hear you when you say she was understanding and not going anywhere when you suffered performance anxiety. Honestly what is she supposed to say? She was considerate but then not around. Maybe try once more and then leave it.

leggo

I recently made the discovery about myself that my idea of connection with a woman was all messed up: I used to get the feelings and hormones associated with love when I'd be chasing someone that wasn't as invested as me and 'convincing' them. It stems from low self-esteem with women when I was younger but I actually have pretty high self-esteem now so when people would say it to me it wouldn't resonate, it's just something that stuck until I had that revelation and could deal with it. That's not healthy: what's healthy is when two people are on the same page and moving at the same speed and it's easy.

This screams of that. Ask yourself these questions: why are you treating this woman like she's the only one who exists OP? Why are you treating yourself with disrespect by wanting to chase someone who doesn't seem that fussed by you? And, when she's feeling that and can see you still chasing, how do you think that's going to magically reverse the lack of interest/respect on her part?

Look, she's going through a divorce so take solace in that her behaviour is likely nothing to do with you, your attractiveness/suitability as a partner or anything you've done whatsoever. As ginandtonicsky said, it's probably just due to emotional unavailability. When I'm fresh out of a relationship (and I know that with divorce laws if she's getting it finalised it's been over a while but still, it was a marriage), I'm dead inside and could be texting my dream girl who ticks my every box and is really keen...but I wouldn't give a **** because I'm just not there.

This is casual so you don't have to do a dramatic split (and please don't: women know that trick when a lad is like "Okay so you're clearly not interested" and gets dramatic in order to fish for what they want to hear, it's needy), just let it lie and focus on other things. Maybe she'll come back when she's in a better place, maybe you'll meet someone else and not even care. But there's nothing you can do to change her or the situation because it's likely nothing to do with you to begin with. You're someone she's been seeing casually for a short amount of time and doesn't seem particularly fussed about, even if changing someone was ever a fix to a situation (it's not), you don't have the stroke in her life to be able to do so. So stop wasting your time and energy where it's not effective and put it into something else where it might be.

Dtp1979

If she’s finalising her divorce, Dosent that mean she’d already be separated 4 years at this stage. So shes probably well past the newly single stage

LegacyUser

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Don’t touch newly or not-yet divorced people with a barge pole. Sounds harsh but sometimes you need to be, especially where affairs of the heart are concerned. She is likely playing the field and experimenting with dating and meeting lots of men, trying to find her feet after a long term relationship & marriage.

Assume you met her online? If so, you’ve got to expect she’s talking to loads of other people and isn’t ready or willing to settle back into a relationship for quite a while. Divorced people are often in extreme “once bitten twice shy”.

Utter bullsh*t and a complete generalisation. OP don't listen to this rubbish. The proposed referendum in May recognises that waiting 4 out of 5 years to divorce is wholly unacceptable at this stage. Many people can end a relationship or marriage and be ready to move on quickly depending on individual circumstances.
It may have just been a case that the woman would have preferred to have sex sooner and the OP prefers to wait longer until taking that step making them somewhat incompatible but neither are right or wrong. This can happen with or without being divorced.

simplemann30

Thanks Leggo, thats what im doing now, ill check in with her in a couple months and see if shes ready, i know shes not seeing anyone now so i know shes just not ready for a relationship. if i get the chance great...if not that sucks for her haha.

leggo

simplemann30 wrote: »

Thanks Leggo, thats what im doing now, ill check in with her in a couple months and see if shes ready, i know shes not seeing anyone now so i know shes just not ready for a relationship. if i get the chance great...if not that sucks for her haha.

Why would you check in with her? Why would you still chase her months after she made it clear through her interactions she’s not that interested? And are you planning to wait a couple months for her?

Why not just let go of this one and move on with your life? If she wants you, she can let you know and make a genuine effort to show as much. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t want you.

Always Tired

leggo wrote: »

Why would you check in with her? Why would you still chase her months after she made it clear through her interactions she’s not that interested? And are you planning to wait a couple months for her?

Why not just let go of this one and move on with your life? If she wants you, she can let you know and make a genuine effort to show as much. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t want you.

this dude is giving you good advice. totally agree with his other post too. definitely don't 'check in' a few months down the line. that's like sending a follow up email for a job application three months after sending your CV. the position may have been filled, or maybe there are no suitable candidates right now, or they have decided not to hire anyone at all. either way, whatever happened it's obvious you didn't get the job.

of course, women don't send form emails to let you know that your application has, unfortunately, been unsuccessful. perhaps one day they may start doing that the way things are going be with internet dating taking over. but I think for now you should just take it as she has wished you luck on your future endeavors and will keep your information on file and will contact you should a similar vacancy arise.

qwerty13

simplemann30 wrote: »

Thanks Leggo, thats what im doing now, ill check in with her in a couple months and see if shes ready, i know shes not seeing anyone now so i know shes just not ready for a relationship. if i get the chance great...if not that sucks for her haha.

Don’t check in with her. You’re only going to be hurting yourself.

Weird comment re ‘sucks for her haha’ tbh

osarusan

Are you still planning to take her out some time this week after work?

Did she get back to you about a suitable time? If she doesn't get back to you about it, I think you have your answer tbh.

If she does, then when you are out together I'd mention that you've noticed she's being a bit more distant and ask if everything is ok.

I think it's better to just deal with it directly than going over possibilities in your head.