1st cousin has just booked wedding 7 days before mine. MOD WARNING POST #1

jenjoeful

So, I’m devastated. My cousin, one I’m reasonably close/friendly with has just booked their wedding 7 days before mine. 8 month engagement. I booked mine with a 1.5 year engagement. I sent out save the dates which was received by my cousin at 1 year to go to mine.
There is no reason to punish me or do it on purpose. My family, fiancé and friends are astounded and very upset also.I raised it directly with the cousin expressing my disappointment, and I got a really defensive response that deflects accountability, and out of context reason that just demonstrates no consideration or respect for me or our families. She doesn’t care for me. It is going to cause tension across families. What do I do? Well actually I can’t do anything, it’s done. But I’m devastated, how could my own cousin do that to me?

Mod Note:

Please read the charter and keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.

rainbowtrout

What will happen on your wedding day that won't happen because of this wedding? That's what you should ask yourself. This wedding won't change what happens, and your extended family know you had your date picked first so it doesn't reflect on you at all. Just plough on and forget about it.

Rows Grower

I think this is going to be an interesting thread.

jenjoeful

rainbowtrout wrote: »

What will happen on your wedding day that won't happen because of this wedding? That's what you should ask yourself. This wedding won't change what happens, and your extended family know you had your date picked first so it doesn't reflect on you at all. Just plough on and forget about it.

I will, but I’m still at devastated mode. Not quite there yet. I’m really hurt by it. So your right, but does not excuse the situation. It’s so nasty

shamrock55

Oh for god sake, Where's the problem, who cares they are two completely separate events, you obviously have nothing else to worry about

Pa8301

I'm not really seeing the huge deal here.

jenjoeful

shamrock55 wrote: »

Oh for god sake, Where's the problem, who cares they are two completely separate events, you obviously have nothing else to worry about

And you’ve obviously nothing better to do, than respond here. Don’t judge a person you don’t know.

rainbowtrout

jenjoeful wrote: »

I will, but I’m still at devastated mode. Not quite there yet. I’m really hurt by it. So your right, but does not excuse the situation. It’s so nasty

Why are you devastated? No one has died here. Your hotel hasn't gone into receivership and closed down the day before you got married. The church hasn't burned to the ground. Presumably yourself and your fiance are healthy, if not quite happy. Her wedding will take place and then yours will. You don't get ownership of an entire summer for your wedding date. Nobody else will pay a blind bit of notice to this except for some of your relations who will have to fork out for two weddings in one week.

0ph0rce0

Two weddings in a week. Sounds class

shamrock55

Some people just want all the attention, that what it boils down to

Chopper83

Personally I'd be a bit pissed off if my cousin did the same but in the grand scheme of things it's a minor inconvience more than anything else.

I assume it isn't out of spite but a lack of dates. Communication lacking though from her though.

o1s1n

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

Two weddings in a week. Sounds class

Sounds bloody expensive :eek: I can see why the OP would be a bit freaked out tbh.

Pelvis

Is there a lot of travel involved for either/both weddings? By that, I mean are your guests put out by the cost that will negatively impact attendance at your wedding?

If not, then I don't really see the big deal.

road_high

It’s a free country and he can have his wedding whenever suits- I think you’re over playing the importance most guests put on your “big day”. I guarantee you half the guests or more would rather not be there (a huge proportion of people despise weddings), the people that want to be will be though. It would be great if these mega shows (they’re so false) were abandoned and only close family and friends that want to attend, attend.

DJIMI TRARORE

Grow up and get over yourself,

Fear of smaller cash gifts ?

youve glided over their reason and context

davo2001

Two excuses to get pissed and celebrate in one week, happy days!

DesperateDan

Why don't you come together, save everyone the hassle of 2 weddings and just do it on the same day in the same place. Could bring you all closer together.

dee_mc

What are the possible repercussions of this, OP?
I can see how some of your family members might be slightly put out at the expense of two weddings in such a short timeframe (having to buy two outfits/two wedding gifts/pay for accommodation if applicable etc) but really, they can plan for this, it'll be grand! It seems you're mainly upset because your cousin is competing for attention?
You're clearly hurt but please take a look at the language you're using for a minute - she doesn't respect you? You're devastated? There's no reason to punish you? How could she DO this to you? You need to calm down. The wedding is booked, you're hardly going to ask her to cancel her booking, so you've two choices: either you keep up this indignant 'This is MY wedding year!' attitude and allow this situation to ruin your family relationships, or you shrug your shoulders and let it play out.
Your wedding days are only days - think on to the years and decades ahead, and decide on your next move based on that.

banie01

DesperateDan wrote: »

Why don't you come together, save everyone the hassle of 2 weddings and just do it on the same day in the same place. Could bring you all closer together.

Brilliant solution and quite a cost-saver too!

brightspark

It might even be advantageous to some of your relations if they have to travel from abroad?

Perhaps she had little choice in the date unless she waited until next year?

When would have been okay, a week later than yours? a month before/after? Six months later?

lbc2019

Is this a wind up?

retro:electro

Am I the only one who agrees it’s kind of bad form of the cousin?

(*Runs and hides)

Although, there’s not much you can do about it op. Just suck it up and get on with your planning. You say ye were close before so there’s no reason to think she booked it out of spite. Everything you had planned for the day will still happen. I can understand your frustration but try to see the bigger picture. No one is hurt or dead or dying. You have two fabulous family events to look forward to this summer, try to look at the bright side of it.

vapor trails

Weddings are such narcissistic displays of pomposity and this thread typifies it. Me, mine, I, I'm longer engaged, my day, no respect for me, no consideration for me etc. Every time I've ever been to a wedding the women just sit around the table and bitch about how everything is wrong with the day. Soon as the bride appears its "HI!!!!!!, Its so amazing you look beautiful" as soon as the bride leaves its back to "Band is ****e, Food is ****e, Hotel is ****e" Etc.

harr

I would be pissed as well, I presume the same crowd will be going to both or a large portion anyway.
Between people getting babysitters and affording a gift for both it would be a right pain and a lot of people are going do have to choose which wedding they want to go to because a lot won’t go to both, so most will probably go to the earliest one.
It really is a ****ty thing to do.

Dakotabigone

Did your cousin crash the car and need to hurry on the marriage?

ELM327

Op = Bridezilla?

Lol 1.5 years. So a mad quick wedding takes precedence over an even earlier one?

Your cousin can do what she likes. I'm seven years with my girlfriend and when I think of marriage, I don't even think of the family and all that, nor does she.

MojoMaker

Augeo wrote: »

Fear of smaller cash gifts ?

This is it, pure and simple.

Duffryman

Okay. I know I'm a man, and we tend to see these things differently, but I really don't see a big issue. But still, to try get an understanding of what the issue might be, and to maybe help others in the same regard, can I please ask the OP:

Why exactly are you devastated? How is this "punishing" you? What exactly is she doing to you?

With respect, you haven't given us any reasons for why you feel this way. You've just said this is how you feel, and it looks like you just expect everybody to understand why, or that it's the automatic "normal" and "natural" and "correct" reaction to such circumstances.

Can you help us out here? What exactly is the problem, as you see it?

Feel free to mansplain instead of explain. It would certainly help me, and probably many others too.

jenjoeful

jenjoeful wrote: »

And you’ve obviously nothing better to do, than respond here. Don’t judge a person you don’t know.

I hope that you see the irony in this asking for advice from people you don't know :pac:

road_high

vapor trails wrote: »

Weddings are such narcissistic displays of pomposity and this thread typifies it. Me, mine, I, I'm longer engaged, my day, no respect for me, no consideration for me etc. Every time I've ever been to a wedding the women just sit around the table and bitch about how everything is wrong with the day. Soon as the bride appears its "HI!!!!!!, Its so amazing you look beautiful" as soon as the bride leaves its back to "Band is ****e, Food is ****e, Hotel is ****e" Etc.

For me they can end up being about spending time with a bunch of people I can’t stand or would never be in their company otherwise. On the other hand there will be people you really like and love and may not see that often.
But the later can often drown out the former in my experience

El_Duderino 09

Pa8301 wrote: »

I'm not really seeing the huge deal here.

Some people think that everyone else should focus all their attention on their wedding.

I even know a woman who is getting married in 2.5 years and told her cousins that nobody is to get married between now and then (joking but totally not joking).

OP just have your wedding and enjoy it. If you look for reasons to spoil your wedding you'll find plenty. Just go with the flow.

Toots

Guys, please keep the replies helpful to the OP. For anyone who is new to the Weddings forum, I would strongly recommend that you familiarise yourself with the charter before posting here. This thread is not a place for bitching, or being snarky. Keep replies civil, or don’t post.

ceadaoin.

Unless you think that people won't go to yours after going to another wedding only a week before, then I'm not getting your extreme reaction? "Devastated" seems a tad over dramatic, although I can see how you would be slightly peeved. Do you think she is trying to upstage you or something? If she is there's nothing you can do except laugh at her pettiness. Everyone knows you had booked the date first. Letting it bother you to the extent that it is affecting your own wedding is pointless because that's all you will remember when you look back on what should be an exciting time.

Purple Mountain

Op I think people are being very harsh on you.
I would be very peeved too.
Women know the expense of a wedding and 2 in one week from the same family is annoying. Hair, makeup, accommodation (where necessary), cash gift, drink money.
But..everyone in your family knows you got first dibs on date so you have absolutely no reason to be avoiding family or feel bad for them. It's a bad reflection on your cousin not you.
Like someone else said if you both have relatives coming from abroad then it could work out positive for them.
Otherwise focus on your day and your original plans.
Also if she goes on honeymoon straight away, you have 2 less guests at yours!

Toots

Toots wrote: »

Guys, please keep the replies helpful to the OP. For anyone who is new to the Weddings forum, I would strongly recommend that you familiarise yourself with the charter before posting here. This thread is not a place for bitching, or being snarky. Keep replies civil, or don’t post.

Move it to PI so. This has nothing to do with weddings really.

Dakotabigone

Deleted User wrote: »

Move it to PI so. This has nothing to do with weddings really.

There is two weddings I thought?

fits

Ha my first cousin did the same. It’s suited fine actually as some people were coming from abroad.

Noodles81

This thread sounds like it's made up. I find it hard to believe a grown woman would be so infantile.

What's there be upset about...stealing thunder? Your day will be no less special as you unite with your husband in marriage. Who cares who got married the week before.

Guests having 2 weddings to pay for? Yes I sympathise there, that'll be expensive. But not the brides problem.

At least the 1st couple will be gone on honeymoon and won't be there for the 2nd...to make those comparisons that so irk the OP.

Everyone will be all " its your big day next etc...you could end up with it being all about you at your cousin's wedding.

Not that you want that of course! ;-)

witchgirl26

Honestly I don't see much of a problem with a cousin having a wedding a week before yours. A sibling might be a bit much but a cousin is a step away. And there will be relatively less direct family affected at all.

Is there a particular reason that they went for a relatively short engagement? Could it be that the venue they really wanted had a vacancy so they jumped.

You say that you can't see a reason why they'd do it to punish you etc but realistically you probably featured very low on their list of considerations. This isn't an attempt to get at you so get that out of your head. I don't get how it's disrespectful to your family at all to be honest.

Why are you devastated and not happy for your cousin? Surely the happiness you're feeling about your own upcoming wedding would make you understand how your cousin is feeling too about theirs.

pwurple

Ok, to be honest, the engagements here were SUPER long, which was a high-ish risk of something going wrong anyway. The longer away the date of something is, the bigger the risk that something overlaps your day. Sickness, travel problems, some sporting event. Anyway, this risk you took here with the long engagement has occurred, and now the question is how to work around it.

I kinda think it is bad form to book it so close... within a week? Especially with the overlap in guests. Some people are now going to be forced to choose between them, or, take a bit of a financial hit. Your parents for a start. Also, I'd imagine this cousin won't come to your wedding now, as they will probably be on honeymoon. but, sure it is what it is, and they sound like they are stuck with it.


You've talked to her and it sounds like kinda attacked her already? What did you say exactly. Did you mention the punishment etc, were you accusatory? Because if you were, that probably CAUSED the defensiveness. You definitely need to make amends to salvage this, pronto, and here's why. This WILL need organisation between the two of ye, otherwise it could be very weird.


Here's what I would do. Go for a cuppa with her. Apologise for your reaction. And talk about how to manage the logistics.
-Hen parties for example. Is there any chance you can do the same one, rather than costing everyone twice.
- Talk to her about what she is doing, so that your won't be compared in any way whatsoever. Also, no-one wants the same party twice in a row. God.

Anyway, Meal , make sure the menus are different. Venue, I assume is different? Different music, songs, style etc. You don't want to be a repeat of her wedding here. So talk between yourselves on how to do it. You're going to have to know a lot of details of eachothers weddings. Dresses, mother of the bride, father of the bride, grooms. Again, you want it all to be different. No overlaps.

You'll need to have a look at anything you were planning on doing the week before your own wedding (leg wax? Nails? Hair colour) and see if that can be moved.

endacl

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

Two weddings in a week. Sounds class bloody expensive.

To be honest, although it’s bad form, it effects your guests more than it will effect you. If I’d a prior invitation to yours and couldn’t afford two, it wouldn’t be yours I’d be sending the ‘sorry I can’t make it’ rsvp to.

jenjoeful

To all you delightful keyboard warriors out there, some fun facts about me.
I'm not a bridezilla, I'm quite the opposite, very laid back.
I do not want any gifts for my wedding, particularly cash ones, I'm not strapped for cash.
I just want my family and friends to come and have fun, I don't see them very often.
I don't talk endlessly about my wedding because I don't focus on it, it's something that is happening and it will be great no matter what.
I'm not looking for attention.
I'm also not a bad person, that you're all making me out to be, but fair all you know is my first post.
I'm not concerned people won't come to my wedding, it doesn't matter. The people I want there will be there.

I'm just human. It's a very deliberate act for somebody so close to me, it was done knowingly. From a moral standpoint. there are 52 weeks in a year, just not the weekend before mine, maybe the week after, or the month after, or the month before, not the week, it's unnecessary.
The couple has been together for something like 14 years, so they just decided to get married, and decided it just had to be the week before mine, there is no other reason for their hurry.
It is already causing animosity between family as cousins have come out and said they can't afford both. They've said that mine was first and they will come to mine. I haven't asked for this. I'm not putting my family in a position to choose between us. It's just awkward for all my family. This hurts me, weddings are supposed to be happy, not causing tension.

jim o doom

Seems like a lot of people are snapping at the OP for no discernable reason.

Reasons to be annoyed by a cousing having a wedding a week in advance? There are plenty, primarily money, the biggest worry most people have.

Attending a wedding is very expensive for a family member or guest, I've been attending about 3 or 4 a year for the last 10 years, I guess I'm just at that age where everyone is getting married.

You generally have to book a room, buy a gift for the couple etc, travel, child or pet minders and whatever other associated costs arise.

Some family members may not be able to afford two weddings, and as a result will only attend one. it would make sense to attend the one organised first, but what makes sense isn't necessarily what will happen.

Have any people in this thread ever attended two weddings in one week? I certainly never have, and a huge number of my friends and family have married in the last few years.

I wouldn't be able to afford two weddings in a week, I've a decent job as does my wife.. and we don't have kids either. Which gives us more money than the average children having family.

To the bride - ignore all the ignorant snappy folks who don't have an ounce of empathy in them. Just solider on, you know your cousin is no longer worth your time, and you will know which family members are worth your time from who attends the wedding.

Getting married is an emotional time for the couple and it's completely understandable to be put off by a supposedly close family member organising a clashing wedding.

Plumbthedepths

This sounds like drama for the sake of drama. Concentrate Von your own wedding, that's enough to be worried about tbh.

Raisins

OP my advice to you would be to realise this only affects cousins and aunts uncles on one side. Your siblings/parents and your fiancées plus your best friends are the important people at your weddings. They’ll be completely unaffected.

tretorn

road_high wrote: »

It’s a free country and he can have his wedding whenever suits- I think you’re over playing the importance most guests put on your “big day”. I guarantee you half the guests or more would rather not be there (a huge proportion of people despise weddings), the people that want to be will be though. It would be great if these mega shows (they’re so false) were abandoned and only close family and friends that want to attend, attend.

I guarantee everyone except your parents, siblings and very close friends would rather not be at your wedding.

Weddings are the biggest bore.

witchgirl26

jenjoeful wrote: »

I'm just human. It's a very deliberate act for somebody so close to me, it was done knowingly. From a moral standpoint. there are 52 weeks in a year, just not the weekend before mine, maybe the week after, or the month after, or the month before, not the week, it's unnecessary.

You'd have the same problems with family and affordability if it was the week after yours so it's not from a moral standpoint. It's a cousin so 1/4 of your family interacts with 1/4 of the cousins. That is usually quite small in terms of the intersection of guests.

jenjoeful wrote: »

The couple has been together for something like 14 years, so they just decided to get married, and decided it just had to be the week before mine, there is no other reason for their hurry.

Do you know that for sure though? I mean 14 years together and an 8 month engagement does seem a little odd and there could be a reason but maybe not one that they're willing to share at this point. Do you honestly think they solely did it maliciously to annoy you? Or is there possibly other reasons that you are not at all aware of.

jenjoeful wrote: »

It is already causing animosity between family as cousins have come out and said they can't afford both. They've said that mine was first and they will come to mine. I haven't asked for this. I'm not putting my family in a position to choose between us. It's just awkward for all my family. This hurts me, weddings are supposed to be happy, not causing tension.

Separate yourself from this. The people who are saying they have to choose and have chosen yours are, presumably, adults. Therefore they are responsible for their own decisions and can explain themselves to your cousin. There is literally no need for you to get involved with this aspect.

Look I'm not having a go at you and course you'll feel a certain level of disappointment that the run up to your wedding won't be totally about you. That's allowed. But it doesn't mean that the action was done deliberately to hurt you or to punish you in some way. If you were friendly with this cousin then why would you suddenly swing to this opinion of them?

Dakotabigone

tretorn wrote: »

I guarantee everyone except your parents, siblings and very close friends would rather not be at your wedding.

Weddings are the biggest bore.

Any wonder 85% of guests get wrote off on alcohol to put themselves out of the misery of the day.