Am I friendzoned or is there a chance she might change her mind?

richdeniro

Met a girl from Bumble and here's how it's gone dating wise:

Sat 29 Dec - went for a few afternoon drinks.
Sun 30 Dec - Went out for a meal and more drinks, ended up staying over at hers kissing most of the night, slept together but we didn't have sex.
Mon 31 Dec - As I woke up at hers we took her dog for a walk in the park and spent most of the day together.
Tues 1 Jan - She came over to mine and we ordered Chinese, she didn't stay over.
Sat 5 Jan- Went for drinks, ended up staying at hers and we slept together, this time had sex.
Sun 6 Jan - Went for a meal and to the cinema.
Fri 11 Jan - She came over to mine and I cooked her a meal, she didn't stay over.

Didn't hear from her for a couple of days so asked what was going on, her response was:
"Sorry, keep meaning to message back my aunt’s staying at the moment. I’m getting nothing done. I feel we really get on and connect well which is what I’ve also been having some time to mull over, but I do think it might be more of a friendship forming than a romantic connection on my part."

I texted back with the following:
No worries at all and I can imagine it’s busy, hope you’re having a nice time though. Thank you for being honest and to be honest on my part, I do really fancy you and like you quite a bit so don’t think I could be just friends which I hope you understand. If there is still a chance let me know.

Any chance she might reach back out or should I give up all hope?

December2012

I dobt think so. She has made her position clear. Chalk it up and move on

LegacyUser

Why would she reached out? She was really honest and straight with you to say she doesn't want anything romantic...you set your boundaries and handled it really well to say you want more and wouldn't be happy which fair play to you for recognising and stating it...so why would she contact you now? Unless somehow you don't believe her? Don't be that guy that doesn't listen when he's told clearly hiw things are..tho if you think you're 'friendzoned'...well...you probably are that guy that can't accept women aren't tricksy little players that 'friendzone' guys and 'just need to be shown how they were wrong'...nope, dude, she was clear, she doesn't want anything more, leave it at that and don't assume she's playing games when she's been very clear and upfront. And please stop with the idea that women 'friendzone' guys...you friendliness yourself by lurking in the wings waiting and hoping for more when any relationship going forward has been stated to be friends only by her. That's just creepy

Mike9832

You got ride anyway

Most don't get that

road_high

Just ignore, get on with your life and focus on other things is my only advice. Don’t look too needy or desperate as it’s a big turn off in itself.
She’s been pretty clear as you know- not a romantic connection which is unambiguous really

skinny90

What mick said.

leggo

She's told you here man, there's no ambiguity. Even if she did reach out (she almost definitely won't since she seems direct and straightforward to her credit), I'd be more wary than anything, because it'd be more a case of her not being able to find anything else and feeling lonely so using you until that better option comes along. But yeah, it sounds like she gave it a try, was going to ghost you, you reached out so she gave you the respect of being straight with you. Move on.

HandsomeBob

Sounds like she did everything she could to make it work for her. Hold your head and move on OP.

Kidchameleon

Move on and in future don't be saying things like "I do really fancy you" after what she said. She now knows she can move on but have you there waiting with baited breath just in case she needs an ego boost.

Big Bag of Chips

Rich, the title of your thread caught my eye, because it sounded familiar. I'm glad to see it's not about the same woman as your previous thread. But I think you need to get out of the 'will she change her mind' train of thought. For no other reason than nobody here can tell you what another person is thinking. But the one thing you need to realise is you have to listen to what people are telling you. If someone tells you that they're not interested, or don't see the relationship developing, or don't feel a connection, or whatever way they say it, then you have to take that at face value.

I'm not sure if it's you, them or both but you seem to start off very heavy and very intense. Take it easy. Relax with a person and let things progress at a steadier pace. You don't need to start out seeing each other every day or constantly texting. If a woman wants to be with you, won't tell you she doesn't. If she tells you she doesn't, she's unlikley to change her mind.

LegacyUser

She may not come back but I love the text you sent her, very mature, honest and leaving the door slightly open for her!

skallywag

I would right it off OP.

Even if she did make an appearance again, I'd say it could very well be the case that you are a plan B or C, this is what I would be feeling anyway.

It seems to have gone downhill very quickly after a very intense beginning (seeing each other 4 days in a row at the start?). My inkling would be that someone else has come on the scene who is more King to your Jack, though there is no way of knowing of course.

ginandtonicsky

8 dates over two weeks and most of them at your or her homes is very intense, I’m not surprised your head is in a spin!

When I first started using dating apps, I went on three long, boozy dates with a guy, spending 9+ hours with him each time, lots of kissing and affection & hand holding etc. When he ended it after that I was devastated, akin to how badly I felt when my previous long-term relationship ended and I was baffled by it!

I vowed from then on to keep all my dates short, casual, non-boozy, to never put all my eggs in one basket with a guy and to adapt a “see how it goes” approach with everyone new that I met. It’s made dating a lot less difficult and painful for me.

Maintaining boundaries and autonomy is really important to your emotional health when you’re dating and it looks like there were none in this scenario. Don’t get emotionally involved and don’t invest all of your time with someone until you’ve actually gotten to know them over time and have built up a bit of trust and familiarity with one another. You’ve got a life to live, you don’t have time to spend night and day with someone until there’s a good Return on Investment as it were!

Learn from this, keep your dates casual and keep your approach a bit more even keeled from now on and you might find yourself in fewer of these situations where you’re headwrecked over some girl who you barely know who you fell hook line and sinker for because of these moments of false intimacy during your first few dates with them.

richdeniro

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

8 dates over two weeks and most of them at your or her homes is very intense, I’m not surprised your head is in a spin!

When I first started using dating apps, I went on three long, boozy dates with a guy, spending 9+ hours with him each time, lots of kissing and affection & hand holding etc. When he ended it after that I was devastated, akin to how badly I felt when my previous long-term relationship ended and I was baffled by it!

I vowed from then on to keep all my dates short, casual, non-boozy, to never put all my eggs in one basket with a guy and to adapt a “see how it goes” approach with everyone new that I met. It’s made dating a lot less difficult and painful for me.

Maintaining boundaries and autonomy is really important to your emotional health when you’re dating and it looks like there were none in this scenario. Don’t get emotionally involved and don’t invest all of your time with someone until you’ve actually gotten to know them over time and have built up a bit of trust and familiarity with one another. You’ve got a life to live, you don’t have time to spend night and day with someone until there’s a good Return on Investment as it were!

Learn from this, keep your dates casual and keep your approach a bit more even keeled from now on and you might find yourself in fewer of these situations where you’re headwrecked over some girl who you barely know who you fell hook line and sinker for because of these moments of false intimacy during your first few dates with them.

It didn't feel intense despite the number of dates, it just felt right. The reason we had so many in such a short amount of time was because we were both off work due to the Christmas/New Year break and we only live 10 minutes walk from each other. I don't think it was suffocating or anything like that, we were both just free at the same time and arranged to do things.

But now I look back perhaps it was too many and by both being available so much it turned her off eventually. I just figured we were both at the same life stage in life and looking for the same thing (me 38 and she is 37).

I have gone on other forums to ask what might have gone wrong and it seems that this might be where I fall down a lot - due to having no clue about the psychology of it. I am wondering if perhaps I do act too keen when I meet someone. My problem being that if I am keen then I am genuine, do wear my heart on my sleeve and don't play games, I'm the type that is going to respond to texts pretty much straight away and be up front about wanting to see the person. From what I am hearing though it's completely the wrong way to go about it and in the early stages of dating you do have to play some games and try and act indifferent. Unfortunately this really isn't in my nature though.

I definitely wasn't suffocating, I got the impression she wasn't much of a texter anyway and so we messaged each other maybe once day but towards the end that stopped so I just had a sixth sense something was wrong which was why I eventually had to call her out on it and let her know how I felt. I guess she just wasn't as into me as she made out in the beginning and something else caused her to lose interest. I suspect she started chatting to someone else on Bumble as I did notice her location on there started to change whereas it remained static for the first couple of weeks after we first met.

I guess I'll never know now though.

richdeniro

Goinganonforgotpassword wrote: »

She may not come back but I love the text you sent her, very mature, honest and leaving the door slightly open for her!

It's weird, so many people are saying this but just as many people are saying what I said was completely wrong, needy and made me come across as 'beta'.

skallywag

richdeniro wrote: »

I suspect she started chatting to someone else on Bumble...

This would be my gut feeling too.

Keep the head up my man, you come across as a very decent chap.

leggo

richdeniro wrote: »

I am wondering if perhaps I do act too keen when I meet someone. My problem being that if I am keen then I am genuine, do wear my heart on my sleeve and don't play games, I'm the type that is going to respond to texts pretty much straight away and be up front about wanting to see the person. From what I am hearing though it's completely the wrong way to go about it and in the early stages of dating you do have to play some games and try and act indifferent. Unfortunately this really isn't in my nature though.

I related a bit to this from an older version of myself. Much like yourself, I wouldn’t have time for games or anything like that. If I see your message right away and want to respond, I’ll respond there and then and not wait 10 minutes to not look ‘too eager’ and so on. That whole racket might work for some short-term but you can’t hide yourself in the long run so there’s no point trying to do so.

The way around it is by managing your expectations. Look Rich, you’ve been on here before and I remember your old threads, you’ve been through the ringer a bit. Take a step back and look hard at your own needs and wants in a relationship. Be realistic about the chances of online dating working and don’t put all your eggs in every basket you come across, when they’re still around in 3 months you can start to take them a bit seriously, there’s no rush if it’s for life. Evaluate each individual harshly against what you need and want out of a relationship and don’t make accommodations, don’t settle in other words. See yourself as a prize worth living up to rather than a lost soul looking for connection, other people will see that in you and respond accordingly and immediately. Do all this and you’ll notice a dramatic uptick in your fortunes. And taking a break from dating while you get these things straight in your head is not a bad idea at all.

Dial Hard

richdeniro wrote:

just as many people are saying what I said was completely wrong, needy and made me come across as 'beta'.

That's PUA bullshit. Do yourself a favour and stay out of those forums.

richdeniro

skallywag wrote: »

This would be my gut feeling too.

Keep the head up my man, you come across as a very decent chap.

I will and thank you.

The reason I think she was chatting to someone else on there was obviously the location changes meaning she was active on the app but I also know she is very new to dating apps so perhaps wasn't quite prepared for how many options she actually has.

I know she came out of a very long term and serious relationship early last year where they owned a house together. For most of last year she was living with various friends and couch surfing. It's only recently she has managed to sell the house with her ex and move into her own place which is why she's become ready to start dating again.

Having been on dating apps for a while now I know how hard it is to meet people from them that you actually connect with regardless of how well the chat before you have actually met goes plus the majority of people seem to get into the mindset of thinking someone better might only be another swipe away so end up serial dating. I just wonder if she has been chatting to a guy (or perhaps a few guys) and wants to explore that for the time being so perhaps the friendship line she used was a way to keep me in the background as an option in case none of those work out.

Ursus Horribilis

While I think the text comes across as being a bit too full on, I don't think it's all that terrible. It's unfortunate that this didn't work out but maybe you'll have better luck in the future. You've been given lots of great advice on this thread. The main thing to take from it, I think, is not to be so intense at the start. I'm certainly not suggesting you indulge in game playing or any of that nonsense. If she's already meeting other people on Bumble, she was never as invested in this as you were. There's a good chance this might not have worked out anyway, even if you weren't living in each other's pockets for several days. It just accelerated the inevitable.

ginandtonicsky

Of course it “feels right” to spend lots of time with someone you’ve just met and who you fancy, but it doesn’t mean it IS right or adviseable.

Listen, I would’ve moved in with the Mr 3 dates who I mentioned in my previous post, I was hook, line and sinker from the first date when he kissed me non-stop and ran around central London with me hand-in-hand and SEEMED to be so much of what I want in a man. Point being, your emotions can lead you astray if you give them full control in these early days of dating, especially when they’re supported by a general frustration with dating and a deep desire to meet someone.

It’s not about “lying” or “playing games”, it’s about reigning in the feelings and putting your best foot forward with someone. Having a bit more cop on and emotional maturity than “I just like you so I’m going to spend four non stop days with you because it feels right”.

It’s online dating, everyone is talking to and meeting with multiple people, minds will change very quickly in the early days, people will like you one minute and be distracted by someone they like more the next - including you - and as is their right!

If you continue down this road of “if I like someone I’m going to do whatever I want ” and ignoring all sense of personal boundaries and not letting things happen organically while focusing on having a balanced, productive life outside of these apps, you’re reducing your chances of attracting a woman who’s going to get that balance and that maturity from somebody else.

You’ve got to learn to not be lead by the “fancy her” feelings you might get for someone early on and to instead take a more level headed, balanced approach. Msintain a healthy emotional distance, leave some room for contemplation between dates and between texts. Is she actually a good match for you? Are you compatible lifestyle wise, mentally, emotionally, financially, is there long term potential? These aren’t things you can know within a few dates, they will reveal themselves in the getting-to-know-you phase over weeks and months and sometimes the answer will be “no”.

It looks like her answer was “no” in this instance and you are left picking yourself up off the ground. And this is why your boundaries are so important. She’s entitled to change her mind or to not feel the same as you - happens all the time in dating. Your approach to dating should be taking account of that and putting stock in the things you CAN control - your own life, your hobbies, your fitness etc and keeping her in the “let’s wait and see” category of your mind, instead of feeling like you’re being gutted from the inside out after a few short weeks of dating.

Purple Mountain

richdeniro wrote: »

I will and thank you.

The reason I think she was chatting to someone else on there was obviously the location changes meaning she was active on the app but I also know she is very new to dating apps so perhaps wasn't quite prepared for how many options she actually has.

I know she came out of a very long term and serious relationship early last year where they owned a house together. For most of last year she was living with various friends and couch surfing. It's only recently she has managed to sell the house with her ex and move into her own place which is why she's become ready to start dating again.

Having been on dating apps for a while now I know how hard it is to meet people from them that you actually connect with regardless of how well the chat before you have actually met goes plus the majority of people seem to get into the mindset of thinking someone better might only be another swipe away so end up serial dating. I just wonder if she has been chatting to a guy (or perhaps a few guys) and wants to explore that for the time being so perhaps the friendship line she used was a way to keep me in the background as an option in case none of those work out.

Stop tormenting yourself and over analysing it.
She's gone, that's done.
Its the weekend, you're a free man. Go out for a walk or a coffee and stop your mind over thinking.
I'm not being mean. I just think you're investing way too much what if in this woman.
Take it at face value. She wasn't as committed as you were. She was 100% honest. You knew her 2 weeks.
Not worth your time beating yourself up or psychoanalysis anymore.

suicide_circus

to quote phil lynott, "if that chick don't wanna know, forget her"

dellas1979

richdeniro wrote: »

I am wondering if perhaps I do act too keen when I meet someone.

The thing is, if its the right person and right fit, you wont have to change how you act/behave to suit someone else or "playing the game".

If youre into someone, and they are into you, it simply "is".

zapper55

Leaving the beta stuff out which is pua rubbish, if I told someone that I didnt want to see them again and they came back with oh I hope you change your mind I really like you, I would loose respect for them.

I'd think that they weren't good at setting boundaries for themselves, that they wanted to be in the company of someone who didnt want to be with them.

I think you should reread ginandtonicsky's post many times. Your response was to say it isn't true, but it's pretty obvious to people on here that that's exactly what happened.

I'm not saying this to be harsh. This will keep happening to you unless you change something.

It's not about game playing, it's about respecting your own time and knowing that you have other stuff going on In your life and when you do decide to let someone in completely it's because you choice to do so after getting to know them, not because you feel lucky that this hottie wants to know you.

KevinCavan

I think where you are going wrong is that you are too intense, too needy.The girl clearly liked you but could sense you were too invested too early. It seemed strange to me that ye met every day for a week after initially meeting. Way too intense. Try and keep a cool head, try not to see a girl as a girlfriend so fast. Leave the relation ship build more gradually.

cannotlogin

If I were her, I would have felt smoothered.

Far too intense from the get go.

To meet that often, I would wonder if there was nothing else going on in your life - no friends or family you needed to see, no hobbies you wanted to persue.

I don't mean to be cruel but is there a chance that the reason you were so invested is because there's little happening in your life otherwise....if so, perhaps you need to work on that.

I have a single friend who has been doing the exact same as you. She desperately wishes she was married with kids and as a result scares men within days/weeks - I think a few of them would have stuck around if she could have managed to kill of the needy/crazy vibe.

Desperation smells & drives people away.

skallywag

cannotlogin wrote: »

If I were her, I would have felt smoothered.

Far too intense from the get go.

To meet that often, I would wonder if there was nothing else going on in your life - no friends or family you needed to see, no hobbies you wanted to persue

Or hers?

I dont see where the OP said that she was not just as enthusiastic at that stage.

richdeniro

skallywag wrote: »

Or hers?

I dont see where the OP said that she was not just as enthusiastic at that stage.

It was her that initiated a few of the dates and she didn't say no when I suggested doing things. It did even cross my mind that she didn't have much going on outside of seeing me.

I was definitely doing other things too whilst seeing her... did my own thing New Years Eve, turned down meeting up with her on a Friday as I went to Manchester to visit friends and playing/watching football when she wanted to meet up during the day. I know we did have a lot of dates in the beginning but that was mainly due to being off work and living so close to each other.

leggo

I don’t really see any evidence that the OP was too eager tbh. I think it’s probably just she gave it an honest try over Christmas (it’s nice to have someone around that time of year too) and, when New Year kicked in and she took stock of what’s ahead as people do then, she just didn’t see the OP in those plans. It’s pretty straightforward and not too personal. OP didn’t do much wrong, nor did she. This is just one of 99% of dating scenarios that didn’t work out.

Prominent_Dawg

She told you how she felt so you should respect that, personally I don’t think there was a need to dis the friendship as that was probably just her being nice

ginandtonicsky

leggo wrote: »

This is just one of 99% of dating scenarios that didn’t work out.

This is the crux of it.

What has really, really helped me in keeping my emotions in check with dating app culture is to remind myself that statistically, this guy that I'm going to meet for a drink after work next week and the other guy who I met four times before Christmas are highly unlikely to be in my life in even a year's time. It's highly unlikely that all of those magic ingredients will be there and will come together with either of them, but it could be fun and interesting to spend an evening with a random stranger from the internet.

The odds are so high every time you meet ANYONE from bumble/tinder/okcupid/hinge and the other 45 apps that a meaningful relationship will come from it, so you simply have to have a "system" for handling these eventualities. Or else you end up damaged and destroyed by constant perceived rejections and frustrations and dating fatigue.

OP: find your system. Find a way to make online dating less of a serious hunt for a wife and more of a lighthearted adventure that might provide you with a few funny dinner party anecdotes, but with lower expectations of how it's going to change your life.

Do you have meaningful relationships in your life outside of these dates? Do you spend time with those people regularly? Do you keep busy with hobbies in your spare time? Do you travel? Do you exercise? Do you set challenges and goals for yourself? Do you have a comfortable living situation, practice self-care, does your job bring you meaning, are you working on your own ambitions as a person and as a professional?

What I've found is when online dating is your only perceived "hope" of meeting someone new, you can bring a frantic, rushed, anxious demeanour to it that's going to drive away people that you may actually have potential with. You look for validation from the people you meet, you try to rush dates instead of allowing things to happen naturally with someone new, you panic when you don't get a text back straight away, you ignore red flags and can end up in some damaging situations because you're so keen to meet someone.

So being self-aware and making sure the app dating is just a teeny, tiny part of an otherwise fulfilled and meaningful life is key. And it makes you less inclined to drop everything for someone new that you've met and see potential with and then find yourself reeling weeks later when it didn't work out.

LegacyUser

OP, neither of you did anything wrong, it just wasn't meant to be. But take her at her word and don't be hanging around hoping she'll change her mind - you've dated and slept together, so she knows what she's getting. She won't change her mind.

Also, for all the talk of being too needy, be aloof etc etc. I have to say, when it's the right person, none of that stuff comes into it. No second guessing, no games, it just is and it just works.

Chalk this one up and move on.

richdeniro

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

This is the crux of it.

What has really, really helped me in keeping my emotions in check with dating app culture is to remind myself that statistically, this guy that I'm going to meet for a drink after work next week and the other guy who I met four times before Christmas are highly unlikely to be in my life in even a year's time. It's highly unlikely that all of those magic ingredients will be there and will come together with either of them, but it could be fun and interesting to spend an evening with a random stranger from the internet.

The odds are so high every time you meet ANYONE from bumble/tinder/okcupid/hinge and the other 45 apps that a meaningful relationship will come from it, so you simply have to have a "system" for handling these eventualities. Or else you end up damaged and destroyed by constant perceived rejections and frustrations and dating fatigue.

OP: find your system. Find a way to make online dating less of a serious hunt for a wife and more of a lighthearted adventure that might provide you with a few funny dinner party anecdotes, but with lower expectations of how it's going to change your life.

Do you have meaningful relationships in your life outside of these dates? Do you spend time with those people regularly? Do you keep busy with hobbies in your spare time? Do you travel? Do you exercise? Do you set challenges and goals for yourself? Do you have a comfortable living situation, practice self-care, does your job bring you meaning, are you working on your own ambitions as a person and as a professional?

What I've found is when online dating is your only perceived "hope" of meeting someone new, you can bring a frantic, rushed, anxious demeanour to it that's going to drive away people that you may actually have potential with. You look for validation from the people you meet, you try to rush dates instead of allowing things to happen naturally with someone new, you panic when you don't get a text back straight away, you ignore red flags and can end up in some damaging situations because you're so keen to meet someone.

So being self-aware and making sure the app dating is just a teeny, tiny part of an otherwise fulfilled and meaningful life is key. And it makes you less inclined to drop everything for someone new that you've met and see potential with and then find yourself reeling weeks later when it didn't work out.

Thank you for all the advice and the post. I'm usually fairly cynical when it comes to dating apps having been on lots of first dates from them over the past few years and not really having much luck. I think I probably felt myself over invest in this one because it did seem to be going so well and I really did like her plus she seemed to be reciprocating it.

Outside of the dates I do have a good life - lots of good friends who I see regularly, have a great job and get on really well with everyone at work, I play football and am pretty busy doing other things such as the gym, studying for my CIPD and other stuff. I do travel but not as much as I would like.

But you are right, it feels like the last missing piece in my life is finding someone to share it with. I think now I am approaching 40 and seeing most of my friends and family members of the same age settling down has probably made me more desperate - I also would like to travel more as I just said and I have done some solo travelling but it's much better doing it with someone which is another reason I'd like to find someone.

SeptemberBaby

I don't think there was anything wrong with your reply OP. You put yourself out there so she knows how you feel. It was respectful and I think that you both came out of it with dignity. So it all ended well. I once told a guy who I went on 2 dates with that I didn't see anything between us but wouldn't mind being friends (we did get on really well but there was no spark at all) and his response was how dare i insult him by refusing a 3rd date. I replied that it was my decision and he said you are single, living alone and 34. You'd better watch that stubborn side of you. So you handled it a lot better than him!

I don't think she will come back to you and I agree, friendship isn't what I would want. I think people throw the friendship card out to maKe themselves feel better but in truth, we are never friends. Friends meet up regularly, text etc. I can't imagine this is what actually happens though.

I agree with the advice to take it slowly next time. I too have been burnt but jumping right in. Date around. And well done for keeping the head up. It is hard out there

Pelvis

cannotlogin wrote: »

If I were her, I would have felt smoothered.

Far too intense from the get go.

To meet that often, I would wonder if there was nothing else going on in your life - no friends or family you needed to see, no hobbies you wanted to persue.

I don't mean to be cruel but is there a chance that the reason you were so invested is because there's little happening in your life otherwise....if so, perhaps you need to work on that.

I have a single friend who has been doing the exact same as you. She desperately wishes she was married with kids and as a result scares men within days/weeks - I think a few of them would have stuck around if she could have managed to kill of the needy/crazy vibe.

Desperation smells & drives people away.

WTF. There were two of them there, he spent all his time with her, but she spent all her time with him too.

LegacyUser

Pelvis wrote: »

WTF. There were two of them there, he spent all his time with her, but she spent all her time with him too.

+ 1 agree with this. The OP has already clarified that it was over Xmas holidays so both of them happened to have free time and live fairly close. They clearly had some things in common otherwise they wouldn't have met up in the first place so I don't see anything wrong with the amount of time they spent together. I can understand why she let it go on as long as it did as I've meet guys who on paper are perfect and when we hung out together we got on great but there was no spark and you ignore that at first cus you think your judging to fast or you must be crazy as the guy is great but you can't create something that isn't there. She was up front about this and the OP was up front about their feelings. Honestly it was nice to read a very mature reaction from both parties.

OP just don't over think this, it didn't work due to no ones fault so its not reflection on you as a person so don't let it put you off dating

richdeniro

Another query with the online stuff. I seem to get involved with emotionally unavailable women fairly regularly on there. I now think this recent thing with the girl who ended with me may have been emotionally unavailable without knowing it herself as I noticed over the weekend that she updated her 'looking for' section on Bumble to 'don't know', previously she hadn't filled that part in and I know she came out of a serious relationship at the beginning of last year. Plus obviously I had that thing with my ex last year who was on a massive rebound from her divorce.

I know it's usually men who are perceived as being emotionally unavailable but are there just as many women who are but perhaps don't really know they are when they get into OLD?

I mean is it possible that some women go on the apps, have a few dates with someone they click with and then suddenly something hits them that says they aren't really ready? I wish I could filter these before dating them. I just wonder if after the 7 dates we had in such a short amount of time and then me asking where we stood after she went quiet for a few days caused that emotional unavailability to come out.

Big Bag of Chips

Don't read too much into online status updates!

"Don't know" could mean just that. She doesn't know whether she's looking for long term or something casual. If she says from the off that she's looking for longterm, then the expectation might be there with anyone she meets that it will automatically develop into a long term thing. When the reality is she's very very unlikeky to get into a longterm relationship with the first or second fella she meets. Likewise if she says she's only looking for casual, and ends up really hitting it off with someone, will she feel shackled by her 'casual' status update?

Just like you are not going to end up in a relationship with every woman you meet in your day to day life, you are unlikely to end up in a relationship with everyone you meet online. Basically you're just meeting up with someone in an alternative way to meeting them at work, or in a club, of group etc.

Stop over thinking it, and stop labeling women who are not interested in developing a relationship with you as being 'emotionally unavailable'. You are not going go to click romantically with every woman yuou meet up with. It doesn't mean you're emotionally unavailable, it just means the attraction isn't there. We're not all attracted to everyone meet. There's something extra present that makes 2 people want to get into a relationship. If that's not present (more often than not) 2 people are friends. Neither of them necessarily emotionally unavailable.

Ursus Horribilis

I think your eagerness to meet someone may be your biggest problem, not the women you're meeting. You've posted about two different women here and I don't see any similarities between them as people at all. Well, apart from them dumping you, and you finding it hard to accept. The lady in this thread simply decided that you weren't someone she wanted to keep on seeing and she ended things. It's hitting you hard because it was so intense and you saw so much of each other in such a short space of time. Obviously, she wasn't feeling it but you're now left feeling hurt and confused.

Your ex, on the other hand, is someone you should have run a mile from early on. There are red flags all over what you told us at the time. Despite the warning signs, you persisted with the relationship and left your self-respect at the door. Again, you got caught up in a very intense early start to the relationship and that's not working for you. Either you get very hurt (lady in this thread) or you get yourself entangled in a mess (ex). You really need to learn how to cool your jets and not commit to anyone too quickly.

Sonic Youth

Hardly friendzoned if you shagged her!

I'll be honest, the message you sent in reply made me cringe and probably her too. Imagine if a girl you didn't really like sent you a message saying she really liked you and wanted a relationship? You'd probably feel awkward as hell.

But look man, that's the only bad move you played. My response would have been 'yeah no worries.' That's it. Then the the ball is in her court and hopefully she's sitting there thinking 'jeez we spent a lot of time, is he really not pushed?'

Unfortunately you came across as needy and supplicating. If I was you I'd text her once more in a couple of weeks and see what she's up to. Keep it casual. Hopefully she'll be stuck inside bored. If so ask her if she wants to go for a drink. If she rejects you again, delete her number and move on.

And don't sweat it too much, you're obviously doing something right!

leggo

A few things:

- Look up stuff on ‘attachment styles’. What you’re saying sounds like you’re going for women with avoidant attachment styles, while you sound anxious and overthinking. You can do work on this but it tends to be through counselling.

- Also a recurring theme seems to be people who aren’t over their ex. You actually can scan for that, even on apps you can be like “Have you been on this long anyway?” If they say they haven’t be like “Oh are you recently single or just got bored of pubs/clubs?” And you’ll generally get the story. In guys or girls, it’s generally not great if you’re looking for a relationship and they’re not long out of one (‘not long’ typically being defined by how long they were together, so if it’s a 10-year relationship and 6 month’s single, bad, but a 6-month relationship and 6 month’s single might be alright: they say it takes half the time you were together to get over your ex as a rule of thumb).

- Lastly keep in mind that sometimes people just want sex or company. And that’s fine if that’s what you want too! Unfortunately, although on a societal level it’s accepted, a lot of women still feel the old stigma that it’s not okay to admit this straight up and will do the dating thing in order to get it. This can lead you to start building an emotional bond where they just aren’t and feelings get slightly hurt.

milli milli

If I was you I'd text her once more in a couple of weeks and see what she's up to. Keep it casual. Hopefully she'll be stuck inside bored. If so ask her if she wants to go for a drink. If she rejects you again...

OP please don’t do this.
This girl is not interested in you, she doesn’t want to be with you. Please let that sink in.
I’m sorry if I’m being harsh but please don’t be the person who can’t take ‘no’ for an answer.
As a young one I couldn’t take no for an answer. I’d hang around the end of the relationship with this particular guy even though he wasn’t interested and basically I was delusional in him thinking he wanted a relationship. Looking back I am absolutely mortified for my behaviour.
I’d ignore people telling me to stay away thinking they were just mean.
But I learned and I would never do that again, thankfully!

Don’t go texting this girl in a months time. Her answer is no and you will just be a nuisance.

I’d agree with the other posters who said your ‘relationship’ was very intense (for both of you).
I know what it’s like to meet someone you really like and wanting to spend a lot of time with them. But you need to exercise self-control and not meet up so much at the start. Retain a bit of mystery. This person is in effect a stranger and basically they became a priority straightaway. Neither of you earned each other’s trust.
And then the relationship crashed and burned and you’re left reeling.
Don’t make someone a priority straightaway - let the relationship build slowly. That way you are protecting yourself from getting hurt.

richdeniro

leggo wrote: »

A few things:

- Look up stuff on ‘attachment styles’. What you’re saying sounds like you’re going for women with avoidant attachment styles, while you sound anxious and overthinking. You can do work on this but it tends to be through counselling

Am already doing it Very familiar with it and definitely have the anxious attachment style. Fairly sure this girl was avoidant too. Shame they don't do a test to find this out on the apps

richdeniro

milli milli wrote: »

OP please don’t do this.
This girl is not interested in you, she doesn’t want to be with you. Please let that sink in.
I’m sorry if I’m being harsh but please don’t be the person who can’t take ‘no’ for an answer.
As a young one I couldn’t take no for an answer. I’d hang around the end of the relationship with this particular guy even though he wasn’t interested and basically I was delusional in him thinking he wanted a relationship. Looking back I am absolutely mortified for my behaviour.
I’d ignore people telling me to stay away thinking they were just mean.
But I learned and I would never do that again, thankfully!

Don’t go texting this girl in a months time. Her answer is no and you will just be a nuisance.

I’d agree with the other posters who said your ‘relationship’ was very intense (for both of you).
I know what it’s like to meet someone you really like and wanting to spend a lot of time with them. But you need to exercise self-control and not meet up so much at the start. Retain a bit of mystery. This person is in effect a stranger and basically they became a priority straightaway. Neither of you earned each other’s trust.
And then the relationship crashed and burned and you’re left reeling.
Don’t make someone a priority straightaway - let the relationship build slowly. That way you are protecting yourself from getting hurt.

Don't worry, I have no intention of messaging her. I'm not that type of guy, I know when no means no.

LegacyUser

Sonic Youth wrote: »

I'll be honest, the message you sent in reply made me cringe and probably her too. Imagine if a girl you didn't really like sent you a message saying she really liked you and wanted a relationship? You'd probably feel awkward as hell.

I don't see what was cringe worthy about the OPs reply. She directly asked about saying friends. He could have replied and said sure and then never contacted her again or ignored any future texts from her but he was honest and mature about it. The OP does want a relationship, he doesn't want more friends so why beat around the bush? Lots of threads on here about people unsure what peoples intentions are or complaining about people playing games etc etc She was upfront, the OP was upfront, only issue is the OP is overthinking things now.

leggo

richdeniro wrote: »

Am already doing it Very familiar with it and definitely have the anxious attachment style. Fairly sure this girl was avoidant too. Shame they don't do a test to find this out on the apps

Good stuff. Well if you’re getting counselling for it then you can make your attachment style more secure in time, then you’ll be able to spot it better. Right now you’re likely drawn to avoidant people, changing this will mean that you’ll naturally be more attracted to secure people.

Brego888

richdeniro wrote: »

Don't worry, I have no intention of messaging her. I'm not that type of guy, I know when no means no.

I'm sorry but you clearly don't, when you say in your opening post "Any chance she might reach back out or should I give up all hope?"

IITYWYBMAD

Brego888 wrote: »

I'm sorry but you clearly don't, when you say in your opening post "Any chance she might reach back out or should I give up all hope?"

That's some leap to make from that line. Look, obviously the guy was keen on this girl, hence the (quite legitimate) question in his op.

He's also obviously left the door open for her, by posing the question in his final text to her.

At no point did I see him saying that he would reach out to her and ask her to reconsider. Who knows what this girl is going through, or 'if' she may have second thoughts on this guy, who does come across as grounded and level headed.

People are very quick to try and kick a man when he's down. Give the guy a break.

richdeniro

Brego888 wrote: »

I'm sorry but you clearly don't, when you say in your opening post "Any chance she might reach back out or should I give up all hope?"

Post was originally written a week ago literally straight after the texts. I've obviously taken on board the comments on this board and the fact a week has passed have given up hope now.

Red Lightning

Sorry it didn't work out OP. This has happened me a few times with women that I've liked and reading the OP I could feel just how **** that felt again.
It's so crap when it happens but obviously another one will come along that will make ya forget about this one.