Emotional Abuse and separation.

igotissues

I have posted before about my relationship. Having gone to a new counsellor, and taken a lot of time over Christmas, I believe that I have been emotionally abused.
H is a recovering alcoholic. If I ever annoyed him about drinking he would scream at me, ignore me for days etc. If I annoyed him about anything - and this could range from being late (very annoying, I get that), or something trivial like not having the same opinion as him on a movie.
Depending on his mood he might be ok with it or explode.
Often he would scream I am cnut or wishes I would die/ kill myself.
This has calmed down since the drinking has stopped but the anger hasn't.

We broke up over a year ago or so. We were living together and getting on ok once he was dry.
We looked for a hoise for him and it fell through.
I wanted to try again but in the meantime he had become quite intimate with a friend. Nothing sexual but very emotionally close (text 5+ times a day, chat all the time etc etx)

He agreed to try again but refused to give up the friendship. I said I had no issu3 with friends but please stop texting every day, please stop sending gifts etc
This became the anger piece for him then. Calling me narrow minded, sick, drama queen.
He refuses to stop texting as frequently (just bear in mind he doesn't text me more than 1ce a day if at all and rarely replies to other friends)
Or to stop calling. He wants to go on courses with just the two of them and refuses to see why this is hurtful to me.

He continues to call me names, he refuses to take anything I say on board. His opinions are the only ones that are allowed. If I show upset or anger in any way, even if it is not related to him (e.g. something at work) he fights it with even bigger anger. He tells me how I feel, that I don't love him, that I'm too sensitive, too adolescent..

When we row, he homes in on a small point where I may not be 100% correct/ poor use of vocabulary e.g. I called his friendship a relationship and he screamed at me How fkkking dare I etc. And he uses this to discredit any other points I may make. He twists things, says stuff didn't happen/he didn't say that (I used to beleive him but now I write it all down so he cant make me so confused)

anyway, I really wanted it to work. I really wanted him to realise how much he is hurting me and to stop. But he won't. I love him but I can't take this any more. I'm exhausted.

So when I bring up counselling he said no. He said If I don't like it I can move out. I said I don't want to leave the kids. He said well why do you expect me to. He said you only care about the house (Its my parents house).

He refuses to move back with his mum (understandable), he refuses to rent (fair enough) and he says he hasn't the money to buy unless we sell the house. (I can't affordnto buy him out)

I don't want to sell the house but I feel forced into a corner. I can't live like this (he wants to stay 4 years til he gets a large lump sum due to him) because I'm tired of the shouting and feeling like poo and walking on eggshells and crying and getting my hopes up to be dashed again.
I'm afraid of him and his temper so I don't want to rattle the cage and go Postal and forcibly remove him
I am so sad by all of this. 3 people - 1 is a lawyer- said don't sell the house. Find another way.
But I don't see one. I can't see the woods for the trees and my self esteem is rock bottom

Has anyone any suggestions?
I have booked mediation but he wouldn't engage with it before and just kept saying he wanted to stay for the 4 years and i kept hoping things might turn around (while doing all the planning for buying him the new house).
I'm scared and tired.

MissShihTzu

Given all that you wrote, why are you still there?

You know what you need to do. Don't worry about the house. Tell your bloke he has two choices. Either he buys you out now, or you'll sell it. It's just a house, after all. You can always get another.

Your health (mental and otherwise) is FAR more important.

zapper55

But there is another option. If you are afraid of his temper get a lawyer and a barring order if necessary. Change the locks when he is out. He sounds like a right scumbag and that he is only staying to get some of your parent's house.

Rosepetals85

Tell him to pack his sh.t and move in with her. Let her deal with him. He’s a bully that does not like to confronted with the truth. Tell him to fcuk off.
This is no way to live your life. HE created the drama not you and she is no better. The two of them are well suited.

Ursus Horribilis

This is the third(?) time you've written about this relationship. Every time, the details of what your husband has put you through get worse and worse. It's as if you're steadily but surely coming to realise what a terrible marriage this is. Your new counsellor must be doing sterling work if he/she is helping you finally see what's going on here. You seem to be the person who has done just about everything she could to keep this marriage afloat and it has now been thrown back in your face with a vengeance.

Going by everything you've told us, this marriage is dead in the water. And so it should be after all those absolutely awful things he has said to and done to you. I got angry just reading down through it. I wonder does his "friend" know what sort of abusive, vile man he really is? She's welcome to him, regardless of whether they're an item now or if it's on the cards into the future.

To be honest, the time for mediation and trying to accommodate him has long since passed. The only counselling you should be doing now is for you and you alone. Don't waste your time or money trying to do couples counselling. It's time to get him out of the house. Does your solicitor have any advice on this? I advise against mediation because I can't see any of the end results ending well for you. He only wants to stay in the house because he doesn't want to move back in with his mother or rent. He probably also has a future with his lady friend in the back of his mind and is biding his time until he qualifies.

MissShihTzu

I missed the bit about it being your parent's house. Throw his backside out. Get a barring order. Don't wait either, otherwise you will end up givng that ***** money he does not deserve. Nice bloke taking the bread from children's mouths...

In this order, OP.

1. Get legal advice. See about getting a barring order.
2. One this is done. Wait for hm to leave for work. Pack his sh1t, and leave it outside for him to collect. Have someone with you, when he comes or get the Gards for civil standby.
3. Change your number.

Ursus Horribilis

Whose name is on the house?

igotissues

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Whose name is on the house?

Both of ours. We bought my siblings out.

Ursus I know I have written about it a lot! It's constantly on my mind. My moods are dependent on his; the whole vibe in the house is dependent on him!!

He's very volatile. I'd be scared to involve law/legal. He doesn't hit but he's scary manipulative. Noone could beleive it when I started saying what was going on. He's "Mr Nice Guy with Ah Shur a bit of an ol' temper "

He refuses to engage in any of it. Even mediation now again will be "what's there to talk about, you're just over reacting"
He's trying to keep me down at the moment so he can go on his course with this Wan in March. He's creating a situation where I will be too scared to say anything to him.
And fecking sake, Am I just meant to sit here like a doormat while they swan around together?
And yet I know I will. I feel it's the dynamic unless I force a change.
And then he says "See, you horrible biitch, I knew.youd do this. You don't love me, your e the one trying to end it..." (even though he is setting up the situation for me to force my play- it's like poker, as I may have mentioned previously, And he is a phenomenal player... He doesn't seem to get that relationships are not win/lose and adversarial but a team effort!)

Ursus Horribilis

It's time to stop engaging with him. He's gaslighting you and simply inflicting more emotional abuse on you. Trying to save your marriage or do anything meaningful with him is as useful as playing chess with a pigeon. In his head this marriage is over and he's treading water until he can go off with his fancy woman (if she's stupid enough to have him). You're very lucky you didn't buy that house with him. I bet his exit from this marriage was on his mind when it fell through.

You're going to have to get over this fear of going to the law over him. Otherwise he'll just continue to abuse you and your children until he can either eject you from the house or leave you. Hard and all as it is to be proactive, you've got to bite the bullet here. Talk to your counsellor some more. Talk to your solicitor. Get proper advice, not what your gut is telling you. With all due respect, you are currently your own worst enemy here.

Hannibal_Smith

If youre too scared to take legal action, in my opinion thats exactly when you need to take legal action. Womens Aid have heard your story and many like them before, Im sure. Would you think about talking things through with them? Maybe they can help you make a plan?

spaceHopper

igotissues wrote: »

He's very volatile. I'd be scared to involve law/legal. He doesn't hit but he's scary manipulative. Noone could beleive it when I started saying what was going on. He's "Mr Nice Guy with Ah Shur a bit of an ol' temper "

New laws have come into force this month.
https://www.thejournal.ie/domestic-violence-law-ireland-3991612-May2018/

zoobizoo

"I love him"


What exactly do you love about him?

igotissues

Good question.
I really had to think about this one! because there is so much hurt at the moment.
I find him very attractive, physically/ sexually.
He can be funny. He can be very kind and sweet when he wants. He is a good cook. He is very intelligent. He has a vulnerability about him (rarely seen)- the issue with this is that he is so emotionally closed off the vast majority of the time.
When we get on I feel comfortable around him.

A lot of the issue is that when he is being mean/ ignoring me, it's so awful that you become pathetically grateful for the good times.

zoobizoo

igotissues wrote: »

• If I ever annoyed him about drinking he would scream at me, ignore me for days etc.
  
• If I annoyed him about anything - he might be ok with it or explode.
  
• Often he would scream I am cnut or wishes I would die/ kill myself.
  
• He had become quite intimate with a friend.
  
• He agreed to try again but refused to give up the friendship- Calling me narrow minded, sick, drama queen.
  
• He refuses to stop texting or to stop calling.
  
• He wants to go on courses with just the two of them and refuses to see why this is hurtful to me.
  
• He continues to call me names,
  
• he refuses to take anything I say on board.
  
• His opinions are the only ones that are allowed.
  
• He tells me how I feel, that I don't love him, that I'm too sensitive, too adolescent..
  
• he screamed at me How fkkking dare I etc. And he uses this to discredit any other points I may make.
  
• He twists things, says stuff didn't happen/he didn't say that
  
• when I bring up counselling he said no.
  
• He said If I don't like it I can move out.
  
• I said I don't want to leave the kids.
  
• He said you only care about the house (Its my parents house).
  
• He refuses to move back with his mum
  
• he refuses to rent
  
• I'm tired of the shouting and feeling like poo and walking on eggshells and crying and getting my hopes up to be dashed again.
  
• I'm afraid of him and his temper
  
• I'm scared and tired.

Has anyone any suggestions?

Does his good cooking make up for any of the above?
Does his "intelligence" make up for any of the above?
Does his physical appearance make up for any of the above?


Here's a suggestion: kick him out of your parents home. Never take him back. Get a separation if you're married.


You have a relationship - that of abuser and abused.

Ursus Horribilis

Let's not forget either that he is most likely biding his time until he leaves anyway. He's having an emotional affair (if not more) with his lady friend. Someone else described him as treating you like a fly in his ointment. That's a very apt description. It's also a shocking way for you and the children to be living your lives.

I think you're in love with the idea of him and what you think he could be. You've been with him so long and have enabled him for so long, you can't see what the rest of us can.

retro:electro

“he uses this to discredit any other points I may make. He twists things, says stuff didn't happen/he didn't say that (I used to beleive him but now I write it all down so he cant make me so confused)”

The whole lot of it is worrying but this part jumped out. He’s gaslighting you. He has absolutely zero respect for you and the fact you have to write things down to convince yourself they actually happened is testament to how much of a controlling and manipulative expert he is. Is he sleeping with this friend? Because he’s all but flashing their relationship in your face

TheBoyConor

Womens aid, Solicitor, gardai, barring?/safety?/protection? order, change locks, kick the bastard the fuk out!

in that order.

This is waaaayy to much drama to have to live with. No-one needs this level of theatrics in their life. Do what you must do to get rid of him and move on with your live. There are loads of attractive and funny men who can cook who aren't manipulative pricks.

Ursus Horribilis

I think for now, your biggest obstacle is you. You don't really want to leave, do you?

igotissues

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think for now, your biggest obstacle is you. You don't really want to leave, do you?

Logically I want to leave. Sometimes I feel really strong and I read on here and I read my new Emotional Abuse book and I feel determined.
(Before now I used to google EA and make excuses or say Ah yeah but the drink.... Now the drink is gone)
Then he will be nice, or he will say I am being irrational about her/ I am abusing him by not leaving him alone about it etc etc, or by saying that maybe he will go to counselling.... and he sucks me back in.

I get afraid - but try as I might, I can't pin point what I am so afraid of.
Afraid of his rage when I "get tough"? yes but sure that is happening already, I suppose
Afraid he might hurt me? No, but afraid he might turn really nasty and damage my property or use his saved money to get a fantastic legal team and I'll get screwed.
Afraid of being alone? No, because I essentially already am. I will miss the periods of affection though and I am afraid I will end up an unloved, sexless wizened old crone
I think part of me wants him to realise how much he has/is hurting me- not to apologise, but even to have an iota of awareness to see that, Ok, IGotIssues isn't perfect, but she is a good, clever, nice woman, worthy of love and respect and I am / didn't treat her like that.
And I figure if I burn my bridges he will never admit that, while we are together I have some chance. I am not one to give up without a fight!
That may be it- and I know what you will say :D He is NEVER going to do that. Yes, logically I know this!
But that combined with the "nice" periods and sucking me back in - and the dynamic that has developed between us - me being grateful for him being nice, him flying off the handle at something, abusive behaviour, followed by ignoring and then him "forgiving" me for it, and gradually getting nicer until back to me being grateful...... I feel it is a very hard cycle to break for me (eternal optimist!)
After 20 years, and we met when I was quite young (he is a tad older) means that I probably have some sort of PTSD/ co-dependence and have developed/ exacerbated any MH issues I may have.
I am starting to realise it is NOT me that is the problem (been told this for 15 + years and believed it) and sometimes I feel I can do it..... but as I say, something, not sure what, is holding me back.
If I could know what exactly, I could work on it.

Also, thank you to everyone who is replying to me. I know I am slow on the uptake but I do appreciate your responses; they are helping me, even if you feel you are banging your head off a wall!

forgodssake

OP having gone through something very similar to you I highly recommend you read "Becoming the narcissists nightmare " by Shahida Arabi . The book is amazing , literally life changing . You will read it and stop in parts crying because someone has put into words things you couldn't.

Read this book keep re reading until you understand that this is not how relationships should be .

zoobizoo

igotissues wrote: »

And I figure if I burn my bridges he will never admit that, while we are together I have some chance. I am not one to give up without a fight!

He will never admit it regardless of what you do. He doesn't care.

"Give up without a fight"? You are fighting to hold onto an abusive relationship?

And you are staying in an abusive relationship so your abuser might say something nice to you?

retro:electro

Give up without a fight? Eh there’s plenty of fighting going on op. You seem to have a romanticised view of things and a vision that the penny will suddenly drop for him and he’ll realise how awful he’s been to you. It’s not going to happen. In fact, it’s only going to get worse.

igotissues

I have a funny feelings more BPD than full blown narcissism. He has very low self esteem, suffers very badly with anxiety.

Guys, genuine question- you don't think I'm being over sensitive? A friend said to me - what if they're just texting? We were getting on grand (as pals but living in the same house) til she came on the scene and we got back together and I started getting upset about her.
What if I'm too jealous/ sensitive and he's too angry and it's that combo rather than just him?
I'm sure he'd tell a different side ofnthe story

igotissues

zoobizoo wrote: »

He will never admit it regardless of what you do. He doesn't care.

"Give up without a fight"? You are fighting to hold onto an abusive relationship?

And you are staying in an abusive relationship so your abuser might say something nice to you?

More fighting to "win" him over iykwim. Pointless, I realise that. As continuing to run when the race is over in the hope the stewards might still award a medal for sheer perseverance (crap analogy , apologies)

MissShihTzu

igotissues wrote: »

Guys, genuine question- you don't think I'm being over sensitive? A friend said to me - what if they're just texting? We were getting on grand (as pals but living in the same house) til she came on the scene and we got back together and I started getting upset about her.[/
QUOTE]
What?? Given what you've told us, what you do really think?

igotissues wrote: »

What if I'm too jealous/ sensitive and he's too angry and it's that combo rather than just him?

Nope. Don't think so. I think you're hitting this straight on. But you don't want to face reality. He is cheating on you. Be it emotionally (probably not) or actual? I think you're being played.

igotissues wrote: »

I'm sure he'd tell a different side ofnthe story

You sure right. He would.

Make the appointment to see Women's Aid and get legal advice. Do it soon. Please protect yourself and your kids.

Ursus Horribilis

Your children are remarkably absent from all of this. Don't fool yourself into thinking that they've not noticed what's going on. Even if they've not heard your husband screaming abuse at you, they'll have picked up on far more than you think they have. The silences, the tiptoeing around him, him picking holes in what you're saying, him walking away and not listening to what you have to say. What sort of example are you giving them? Would you want your daughters to marry a man like your husband? Would you like your sons to grow up to be like him? This isn't just about you and your misguided attempts to keep this marriage together. Your children are collateral damage.

splinter65

igotissues wrote: »

I have a funny feelings more BPD than full blown narcissism. He has very low self esteem, suffers very badly with anxiety.

Guys, genuine question- you don't think I'm being over sensitive? A friend said to me - what if they're just texting? We were getting on grand (as pals but living in the same house) til she came on the scene and we got back together and I started getting upset about her.
What if I'm too jealous/ sensitive and he's too angry and it's that combo rather than just him?
I'm sure he'd tell a different side ofnthe story

This man doesn’t love you. He can’t stand you. He has a girlfriend who he wants to spend all his time and feelings with and he’d really like it if you just left and took the kids somewhere else so he can bring his girlfriend to live with him there. He wants to live in the house because he doesn’t have to pay any rent and he would like to offer her the security of not living in rented accommodation.
But you are really getting on his nerves because you just insist on staying there and trying to force him to be nice to you and try to turn him into someone else when really, he thinks he’s just fine and his new girlfriend thinks he’s great.
When are you going to take the hint that your not wanted anymore and you should just move on?

igotissues

splinter65 wrote: »

This man doesn’t love you. He can’t stand you. He has a girlfriend who he wants to spend all his time and feelings with and he’d really like it if you just left and took the kids somewhere else so he can bring his girlfriend to live with him there. He wants to live in the house because he doesn’t have to pay any rent and he would like to offer her the security of not living in rented accommodation.
But you are really getting on his nerves because you just insist on staying there and trying to force him to be nice to you and try to turn him into someone else when really, he thinks he’s just fine and his new girlfriend thinks he’s great.
When are you going to take the hint that your not wanted anymore and you should just move on?

Ouch. That's a bit harsh. He wants me to **** off and leave him with the kids anyway because I "don't care about the kids" (used to be I was a "terrible mother " narrative)
He keeps telling me he does, then doesn t want to be with me. Hence my confused brain. He's very convincing!
He also says that he won't be with yer wan - but, of course , his actions say differgently.

I always was amazed physically abused women didn't just leave. Now I see why that might be.

To the PP regarding the children: I have deliberately chosen not to include them in this thread
I think about them all the time and how it will affect them. I feel terrible about it and this helps drive me too. But if I dwelt on it too much now, I think I would crumble.
I do talk to the older ones and do what I can. Sometimes all you can do is your best until you can do better. Believe me I feel guilty as it is- and it's just another stick to beat myself with.

MissShihTzu

I'm not being funny, OP. And I really do see your dilemma. But you've been given loads of good advice. The advice has been consistent. Your partner is emotionally abusing you. He is almost certainly cheating on you. You should make plans to either throw him or leave. But in post after post from you, you're finding excuses to stay and making excuses for him. Why?

I also found it telling that you mention physical abuse in your last post. Is your partner physically abusing you?

I also get that you feel bad about what is happening. You're probably in a pickle and wondering what you should do. That's why you posted and we've responded. You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

But you need to make a decision. What will it be?

igotissues

I'm gathering courage to leave! It's far harder than I thought. :-)
No, he has never touched me. He knows his limits- which is one thing the Emotional Abuse book taught me- that it's not a loss of control by the abuser, they have their line.
I never had a name for it before. I blamed the drink. I blamed myself, because he said it was my fault and I believed him.
Only now are the scales (slowly) falling from my eyes.
Again, thanks everyone. I really appreciate it. My logical brain knows you are right. I am trying to listen.

splinter65

igotissues wrote: »

Ouch. That's a bit harsh. He wants me to **** off and leave him with the kids anyway because I "don't care about the kids" (used to be I was a "terrible mother " narrative)
He keeps telling me he does, then doesn t want to be with me. Hence my confused brain. He's very convincing!
He also says that he won't be with yer wan - but, of course , his actions say differgently.

I always was amazed physically abused women didn't just leave. Now I see why that might be.

To the PP regarding the children: I have deliberately chosen not to include them in this thread
I think about them all the time and how it will affect them. I feel terrible about it and this helps drive me too. But if I dwelt on it too much now, I think I would crumble.
I do talk to the older ones and do what I can. Sometimes all you can do is your best until you can do better. Believe me I feel guilty as it is- and it's just another stick to beat myself with.

I’m not going to apologize for telling you the truth. It won’t make any difference anyway because youre just going to ignore any advice you get here or anywhere else unless someone tells you that he loves you and you’ll work it out and there’ll be unicorns and rainbows, which is what you want to here.
He’ll be organizing a removal van to take your stuff away and moving that girl in and you’ll be going out the door saying “it’s just that he’s so vulnerable and insecure...I know he loves me and we can work it out!”.
Best of luck but one thing I can tell you. This is not good for your kids and they’re not going to thank you for it later on.

igotissues

Nope. Actually, I need people like yourselves to tell me that I'm right in thinking that I'm not crazy and irrational and that he IS being abusive and nasty cruel. Otherwise, I end up believing the 20 years of being told that I am imagining things.
I just feel like I'm having to defend myself now against criticism. :-( Feeling a bit raw I suppose.

splinter65

igotissues wrote: »

Nope. Actually, I need people like yourselves to tell me that I'm right in thinking that I'm not crazy and irrational and that he IS being abusive and nasty cruel. Otherwise, I end up believing the 20 years of being told that I am imagining things.
I just feel like I'm having to defend myself now against criticism. :-( Feeling a bit raw I suppose.

I’m very very sorry if I’m making you feel worse. Most important thing is that you know that you don’t deserve this abuse. You deserve to be treated with respect and love. You deserve to be loved. You deserve dignity and happiness. Right now he’s controlling you by making you think that you are imagining all these bad feelings. You need to remove him from your home and not let him back in again so you can live your best life and give your kids the best life that you all deserve. You will be happy again. You will love again. You will laugh and smile and enjoy life again. But not while he’s with you. Just reach out to womens aid and they will help you.

forgodssake

Please read the book I recommended OP I k ow what your going through .

Hannibal_Smith

igotissues wrote: »

Nope. Actually, I need people like yourselves to tell me that I'm right in thinking that I'm not crazy and irrational and that he IS being abusive and nasty cruel. Otherwise, I end up believing the 20 years of being told that I am imagining things.
I just feel like I'm having to defend myself now against criticism. :-( Feeling a bit raw I suppose.

Fair play. You can stand up for yourself in here. You just need to find the resolve to stand up for yourself in the real world. It's bit easy. It has to be so daunting, but you're not on your own. There are people out there who can help you. All you need to do is make the call.

wiggle16

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Would you want your daughters to marry a man like your husband? Would you like your sons to grow up to be like him? This isn't just about you and your misguided attempts to keep this marriage together. Your children are collateral damage.

1000% agree with this.

For your kids' sake, you need to get out of this situation ASAP. Without being harsh, you have all the time in the world to decide how you feel about this situation and to pick over the ashes. But with kids you do not have the luxury of delaying your decision. You need to come up with a plan and decide what you are going to do, sooner rather than later.

I'm not for one second pretending that this is easy, but this situation is not sustainable. Mediation is not going to do a thing, there is no relationship to salvage here anymore. Your husband is a low-life and you will begin to feel a lot better in yourself once he is, one way or another, removed from the equation.

Your kids need to come first in this. Best of luck OP

wiggle16

splinter65 wrote: »

Just reach out to womens aid and they will help you.

Please, please do this.

forgodssake

At the end of my abusive relationship , one I openly and freely admit that I didn't want to leave , which was down to manipulation and loss of self , I used to say to him if you wouldn't say it to your mother don't say it to me . And be aware I thought my kids knew nothing . They knew .

Dial Hard

I may have missed it among your many threads on this topic, but where are your family in this? Have you spoken to them about what's going on and if not, why not?

Emme

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Womens aid, Solicitor, gardai, barring?/safety?/protection? order, change locks, kick the bastard the fuk out!

in that order.

This is waaaayy to much drama to have to live with. No-one needs this level of theatrics in their life. Do what you must do to get rid of him and move on with your live. There are loads of attractive and funny men who can cook who aren't manipulative pricks.

I agree 100%. Get on to Women's Aid as soon as you can. You should be on to them instead of posting on Boards.

Your OH (obnoxious husband) is trying to make life so miserable for you that you will leave. Then you will have no rights. If the house is in both your names he has a right to half but if you leave voluntarily you might be invalidating any rights you have (check with a solicitor).

The children must really be suffering. If you had no children it would be your look out if you continued to put up with him but you need to get him out for the sake of your children.

Contact Women's Aid. Check out this page as well - Stop Domestic Violence in Ireland. It was set up by mother and daughter Priscilla and Ainie Grainger who went through domestic violence and have come through.

http://stopdomesticviolence.ie/

professore

I've seen other women in your situation OP, insisting how this particular guy had a sensitive side or whatever. In all cases it was a load of nonsense, the guy would be 100% of the time a manipulative abusing asshole. Mostly a good looking or at least confident manipulative asshole.

This man is toxic. Others have given you the same advice and I agree with them 100%.

He is going away with another woman who I assume knows he is already married with kids. They deserve each other. You deserve better.

Go speak to an independent solicitor (not one you have used with your husband or family, a different one somewhere else) as well as the other organisations people have mentioned here to find out about the ins and outs of the house, child support etc.