5 year old hysterical at bedtime

Shivers09

Having major issues with my 5.5 year old son at bedtime and throughout the night. He shares a room with his little brother (3.5 years) and myself and my husband take turns sleeping in the room as the eldest refuses to be left alone. Have tried open doors, night lights etc but he won’t entertain any of it so, although it’s far from ideal, we do what we need to do to ensure we all get some sleep. I suspect my youngest would sleep through happily alone in his own room but my eldest boys behaviors and fears are rubbing off on the youngest and making him anxious at night too.

Eldest has never been a great sleeper but it’s gotten to the stage now where we are all exhausted and at breaking point. He’s a stickler for routine so we stick to the same pattern each night - story, prayer, poem and song and bedtime is pretty much the same time each night. It all goes a bit crazy when he’s out of his routine E.g summer break, midterm, Christmas etc. At the moment, the trigger is my husband taking his turn to put the boys to bed. All hell breaks loose if it’s not my turn to sleep in the kids room. The eldest just spent the last hour crying hysterically, frantically looking for hugs and kisses off me over and over again and then hyperventilating and sobbing that it wasn’t enough and he needed more, refused to get in to bed and ran around the house sobbing and screaming. This is all while my husband lay on the bed in their room ready to read a story. We eventually got him settled but I know he’ll be up again later and the same drama will ensue.

For the last two weeks he has woken up and if I’m not in the room he’ll scream and shout and make as much noise as possible until we’re all up and frantically pandering to his demands trying to get everyone back in to bed and settled again. This can go on for an hour. Im positive it’s not night terrors. His little brother is terrified at this stage though. He never manages to get enough sleep as he’s woken so frequently to screaming, crying and general chaos. He was so exhausted and run down at the end of the summer break that I needed to take him to the GP.

My eldest is an anxious child so I know some of his antics are caused by genuine distress and anxiety but he is also very controlling and always has to have his own way so I suspect some of the behavior is just about him wanting to call the shots.

I’m at my wits end and can’t think straight any more. I can’t hold a conversation without zoning out and loosing concentration. I don’t know how to help him. I feel we’ve tried every approach - gentle attachment parenting and getting cross and taking toys/treats away from him and everything in between. If anyone has any suggestions I’d really love to hear them. Thanks for reading.

catrionanic

I've no personal experience as my kids are much younger, but would you consider a sleep consultant? They all are a bit different but there's a particularly gentle one which I follow on Instagram called careitout sleep consultant. I think this is more complex than just the usual toddler tantrums at bedtime, so help from somebody experienced is probably warranted.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

I have had a similar experience with my daughter.
Things have greatly improved over months of effort. Consistency was key with her.
She has to brush teeth, have a story and prayer every night.
For a long time we had to tell her we would be back in 1 minute to check oh her , stick head in the door and repeat I will be back in one minute to check on you. If we didn’t say it she would be upset.
After months of this, she is very good at going to bed. We are now at 5 minute checks ( which are really 15).
If we skipped a story or prayer or didn’t check on her things could all go wrong!

Shivers09

Thanks for that. It certainly sounds like something I should look into, although unfortunately, I’m not sure funds will stretch that far at the moment. I always associated sleep consultants with babies but of course it makes sense that they work with older kids too. I’ll get googling now.

Shivers09

Maxton Freezing Packer wrote: »

I have had a similar experience with my daughter.
Things have greatly improved over months of effort. Consistency was key with her.
She has to brush teeth, have a story and prayer every night.
For a long time we had to tell her we would be back in 1 minute to check oh her , stick head in the door and repeat I will be back in one minute to check on you. If we didn’t say it she would be upset.
After months of this, she is very good at going to bed. We are now at 5 minute checks ( which are really 15).
If we skipped a story or prayer or didn’t check on her things could all go wrong!

So happy to hear things have improved for you and thanksso much for sharing your tips. It’s nice to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m hoping things will improve a bit once he’s back to school and settled into his old routine but I’m already dreading the next midterm! Not sure how old your daughter is but do things go downhill when she’s off school/play school?

shesty

I think the key bit of your post is the phrase 'pandering to all his demands".

It is definitely more complex than your average toddler and I do agree maybe a consultant could help.But another slant on this could be-he can see you aren't in control.He can see he is calling the shots and while that's great and everything for him, if he is anxious or nervous, and he doesn't really know WHAT he needs to make him feel safe, and it looks to him like apparently you don't either because you are jumping to his whims- then how can he feel safe again? (This is what I wonder if he is thinking/feeling).

Now don't get me wrong-I am not criticising you because I am equally sleep deprived right now, and I know you just do bloody anything after weeks of broken sleep to get them to stop.But maybe the key here is to put the foot down and stick stringently to a routine-your routine definition, not wholly his.Maybe you need to sit and have a talk with him and help him decide the steps of the routine (draw it if needed-use a sticker for each step-whatever helps) and agree that this and only this is happening every night.So instead of taking turns lying with him, do the head in the door thing, as suggested and stick with that -that way he cannot demand the other person.

I have a 4.5 year old who is quite anxious, and lately has started having fits at bedtime over wanting the light on.To be honest ,I have refused, but keep telling her the door is wide open, the light is on on the landing and she has a groclock with a nightlight.I also got her an Ikea bedtent recently which she actually loves, I think it creates a "safe" hideyhole for her if she wakes at night-she had been telling me she woke but hid from the monster and similar stories.She had wanted a Smyths dreamtent but I didn't want to go down the road of one that played music and had lights involved.She is also an absolute stickler for routine, each step has to be in it's correct order, and once that happens she generally settles ok.

Hopefully the consistency of the routine will help him cope better.I wonder is he old enough to understand he is scaring his younger brother aswell with all the noise-would you explain that to him?

2xj3hplqgsbkym

My daughter is now 6. It would flare up if she was upset e.g when her brother was in hospital or when me or my husband were away.
But yes she is better actually when in school and in a routine.
She too is quite anxious but this has lessened over time and with improved confidence since starting school.