Marriage over due to alcohol

perth.ie

I’m not sure where to begin
I have nobody to ask for advice as I don’t want to annoy family/friends
My husband’s drinking is ruining our marriage
We’ve been married 17 years, together for 23
We have two kids 18 and 12
His drinking has gotten progressively worse this past 4 years
I’ve threatened to leave, but never followed through, mainly just to keep our family together for the kids
Last January I’d had enough, he was drinking roughly four nights a week, we had/have very little money
I said I was leaving and he attempted suicide
I went to his counselor with him and tried once again to make things better
Within days he was drinking again and not coming home until 5,6 or 7am, with no explanation as to where he had been
On Friday night/Sarurday morning he came in at 6.30am with blood pouring out of his nose
He told me he was leaving a woman home from the pub and her husband got angry snd beat him
He had his times snd story all wrong
I kept telling him I didn’t believe his story snd I wantrd the truth
To cut a long story short, he became agressive and started pushing and shoving me around
He was very forceful and I became frightened and called my son out of bed
He started on him then, saying terrible things to him and pushing him against the door
My daughter woke up snd saw him ramming my head against the kitchen cupboard
She’s only 12 and was very frightened
He proceeded to tell the kids that I was a c—t and that he was only holding me by the wrists to try and get me to make eye contact with him and to listen to him
He kept saying “Any man that lifts his hand to a woman is no man at all”
He ranted and raved through the kitchen
Christmas has been awful trying to kerp the bright side out
I have nowhere to go and our daughter would be devastated if I asked him to leave
I’ve been thinking if maybe he entered a rehab facility longterm for a few months it would give us some headspace
I know my marriage is over
He’s in no way remorseful for his behavior
Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Thanks in advance and sorry for the rambling post

frag420

You need to leave now, your priority is you and your kids. Pack some bags, call a friend/family member and go.

If he lifts a hand again you call the police straight away.

I wish you and your kids well and a better 2019!!

Loveinapril

Contact Women's Aid and get support in getting a barring order against him so he has to leave the house. I understand that your daughter may be upset if you ask him to leave but it is important that you do, not only for your safety but you need to set an example for your kids that your husband's behaviour is completely unacceptable, regardless of who he is.

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you think your daughter would be devastated? He terrified her. She saw him attacking her mother, and her brother while pissed and covered in blood. She might be upset that her family is splitting up, but she'll deal with that. I'd be far more worried about how devastated she'd be and the long term affects if she had to grow up watching scenes like that become a regular thing.

I've often heard children of alcoholics be even more angry at the parent who exposed them to the alcoholic and forced them all to live as a happy family 'for the sake of the kids'. Your husband is an alcoholic who has let his addiction take control. But you are choosing to persevere with it and expose your children to his carry on.

By the way, he's also cheating on you.

Batgurl

Your husband attacked your 8 year old son and you, and your daughter witnessed it.

He won’t change. YOU have to be strong for your children. They are kids and can’t control their lives yet. They are relying on YOU to get them out of this toxic situation. YOU need to do this. Do whatever it takes to protect the ones you love.

perth.ie

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post
I’m going to speak to my sister later on today and hopefully we can come to a solution for my kids and I
I think once I saw my post written down it became very clear what I need to do
Thank you all again
X

Pawwed Rig

frag420 wrote: »

You need to leave now, your priority is you and your kids. Pack some bags, call a friend/family member and go.

If he lifts a hand again you call the police straight away.

I wish you and your kids well and a better 2019!!

Getting him out would seem preferable in this situation. Whether that be a temporary or permanent arrangement is up to the couple in question.
This is no environment for a 12 year old and a poor role model for the 18 year old.

punisher5112

You need to report this incident to the gardai.

You need him out asap.

Shocking behaviour and then turning the guilt trip on you as he tried suicide.

That's a very dangerous person to be around and in some cases it may well be safer to leave and get away. You yourself will know this.

My aunt's husband was very similar and drank everything.
House was in sh1te and broken doors and windows and gaps nearly big enough to fit through it was worse then a shed. This lad was a carpenter but worked, went to the pub and went home to eat and sleep.

The drink killed him in the end and her house is now comfortable and very nice.

You need to do something and all the advice above by others is spot on.

Very sad of course and we aren't there and of course easy to say but I wish you all the best and I do hope you reach out to your family.

TheBoyConor

He has been consistently drunken and has been violent and has assaulted you severely in front of your son and young daughter. on top of that he has made Christmas and absolute Misery for the whole family.

My advice is report the assault to the Gardai, then solicitor barring order to have him removed from the house, separation and divorce in that order.

there is no going back from what you described he has done, and I wouldn't surprised if he's been cheating either if he is openly talking about escorting a woman home to her house.

His alcoholism is his own problem to solve, it's not your problem. Thats for him figure out on his own if you wants to, it's none of your business and I would advise you to stay out of it because it'll only hurt your head and cause stress.

it's nearly always the case with alcoholics that family tries to help them but it never works. It only ever causes greater stress to the family. The alcoholic has to want to change their own ways and change has to come from within.

Anyway, you say that the marriage is over.
Get rid of him out of the house and then you can get on with your life.

JupiterKid

OP you need to leave for your own safety and that of your children. Your partner is violent and abusive and he is doing immense damage to the family. He is also being utterly selfish.

Please do consider staying with family or a friend and/or contacting Women's Aid or another agency that assists spouses living in environments of domestic abuse. And that is what it is: abuse.

As a recovering alcoholic myself, I can tell you that your OH will not change until you leave and he is left on his own. Indeed if and hopefully when you do leave him he may simply drink himself into an early grave - but that is not your problem.

Alcoholics are adept at lying, making false promises, emotional manipulation - all to keep the booze flowing and a roof over their head. I know - I did it myself.

I would be what you would describe as a "sloppy, maudlin drunk" not violent but nevertheless I brought immense hurt and pain to my former partner and family as they saw me drink my life away. And as for the lies...

Please protect yourself and leave that abusive situation. Why do these sort of threads always rear their ugly heads at Christmas?:(

Alcohol is a scourge on this country. The most dangerous addictive substance there is: a destroyer of lives and families.

Jenneke87

Forget about programs, forget about HIM for a moment and read back what he did:

He is an alcoholic and his drinking has been getting worse over the last 4 years.

Your children are a constant witness to this behaviour.

He tries/ threathens suicide when you do try to leave, to make you feel guilty and reel you back in.

He goes off to god knows where and comes back without any explanation and it looks like he's having someone else on the go....

He scared the **** out of your children and rammed your head against the cupboard, which could (or has) resulted in serious injury.

He is in no way remorseful, so there's no reason for him not to do this again.

Get your most important belongings are go somewhere safe. Go to family, friends, a hotel, a shelter or a gardai station if you really have nowhere to go.

Don't let him do this to you again, please get help!

Ursus Horribilis

I agree that you should end the marriage but don't leave if it can be avoided. Why should you and your family leave the family home when he's the one who is causing all the troubles.

This situation has been escalating over time. You don't need me to tell you that you were very lucky to have your children in the house the other night. Next time you might not be so lucky... You didn't say if your husband has been physically violent before but he crossed a line here. It's incredible that he has shown no remorse whatsoever here. Your children will never ever forget what they heard and saw the other night. I'm sure you'll hear plenty of remorse if he thinks you're finally going to carry through on the threat to end the marriage and that he has to go.

I've seen a lot of posts here from people who are the children of alcoholic parents. Every single one of them has been damaged by their upbringings. Even if you've been trying to shield the kids from his worst excesses, they'll have seen a lot more than you think. Do you really think they'd be happier living in a home with a violent drunk than in a safe one with one loving parent?

mojesius

You need to leave or he needs to leave, as soon as you can.

My parents separated when I was a bit younger than your daughter, drink was a factor but not a major one. It just caused the rift that eventually caused them to split. Sure, I was heartbroken when my dad first moved out, but actually things weren't that bad. House had less screaming matches, bitterness, anger than I remember from my younger years.

My husband on the other hand, grew up with two alcoholic parents who lived together until one died. His childhood memories are very sad to listen to - he remembers drinking binges, ruined christmasses, forgotten birthdays and violence. He still loves his parents but it took him years of counselling to come to terms with what he endured during his childhood.

Staying together for the sake of the kids isn't a good option here.

spakman

You know the answer yourself. He's an abusive lying drunk. That's not an environment you can leave yourself and your children in.
It's not just that he's spending time and money drinking, it's now absusive to you and your kids. It's more damaging to them long-term to remain in that environment than the short-term pain of seperation from their father.

perth.ie

Thank you all

I have spoken to him and told him that he needs to leave
He agreed so hopefully things will be good now
Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply, it’s much appreciated
X

MissShihTzu

Just wondering. Why can't the OP tell the husband to leave? Why should she uproot herself and the kids because the husband cannot/will not deal with his addiction issues and violence? HE needs to go!

I would get on to Women's Aid and have a word with the Gards. I would also seriously consider a barring order as well. The children need to be protected from him.

Good luck!

okiss

It a horrible situation that you and your children are in at the moment. The reality is that your husband is an alcoholic. You have tried to make things work but he is getting worse.

You have to think at this stage of yours and the childrens safety. Where is all the money coming from for his heavy drinking? I know you probably are short of money to pay the bills ect.
Your kids do not want or need to see him in this state and him physically hurting you.
One of my friends lived with an alcoholic and had 3 children with him. His drinking got worse. He just cared about his drinking. She had enough of not having money to pay the bills and she was sick of the arguments between them. She decided I want better and I don't want my kids growing up seeing this. She got him out of her life.
Today she has 3 adult children. Two of them have degrees and good jobs. The youngest did well in the leaving and is in college.
I know it not easy to end a marriage. He has no other interest in his life but drinking so you need to think of you and your childrens long term future.

Jurgen Klopp

Even if he leaves you really need to apply for a safety order.

That way if he turns up at the house shouting and roaring you can call the Gardai and they'll lift him

Know from experience

Ideally you should called the cops when he was batin you as it would have been excellent evidence for a safety order, but what's done is done.

If you get a safety order now and he breaks it you can then apply for a barring order.

He'll most likely leave for now and turn up pissed shouting and roaring or try force his way in home when he's short a few bob cause he's drank his rent money

LaLa2004

I would definitely advise you to phone Womens Aid. They will help you to get your head together.

LegacyUser

Please get the guards involved, unless rules have changed they will alert social services as there was a child in the house at the time of the incident, but that is nothing for you to worry about and should strengthen your case with a barring order. I'm not sure how they work.

I would not be surprised if he turns up again drunk, you need to be prepared for this.

I phoned the guards on my ex when we were together when he was making threats and behaving very aggressively when drunk, the guards came out and didn't even speak to him as my ex refused! They then told me they had to report it to a social worker and although it was all fine they put me off looking for help from them again.
When I did eventually split up with my ex due to alcohol issues, he tried to kick the door down a few times, told me if I phoned the guards that he'd kill himself, made so many threats, I put up with a lot of stuff for months that I shouldn't have due to that fear, I knew I had nothing to worry about in regards to social workers if they phoned them as I was a capable parent, I was just under so much stress mentally and let it escalate and believed the threats of suicide and so on. A barring order also wouldn't have been possible for me as he owned the house.

If I were you i'd start the ball rolling now to protect yourself, take the risk of having to deal with this kind of stuff away, get the barring order and allow the guards to deal with it, any threats regarding suicide report them instantly to the guards or his parents. Do not take that on your shoulders. An alcoholic who has already threatened and attempted suicide is going to be the prime candidate for making these threats and showing up and acting aggressively. You need to let the guards and his family deal with him if he does that. You concentrate on yourself and your kids.

You must be terribly stressed, I remember when I first split up with my ex and I just wished and wished it could be a few months down the line and the worst was over and the situation had calmed down. I wish I had sought help at the time instead of dealing with it all myself.

On a positive note, kids adapt, my kids are very happy and amazingly me and my ex are great friends now!!

Emme

OP your husband agreed to leave so that seems good. Even so you need to contact Women's Aid immediately. I hope they advise you go to to a solicitor and get a barring or safety order.

Your husband might go to a friend's place for a day or two and then come back full of apologies trying to get you to take him back.

DON'T DO IT.

Also you say your 12 year old daughter will be upset if he leaves. She might be but she will get over it. If he stays she will grow up thinking it is normal for women and children to be abused by an alcoholic father and may well end up in an abusive relationship herself. Do you want that for her? Your son is 18 and deserves a peaceful atmosphere for study when he goes to college or gets a job.

Contact Women's Aid.

www.womensaid.ie

Feets

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Christmas can bring the worst out in drinkers. You are brave and doing the right thing by the sounds of it. One hour at a time.