Friends moaning

LegacyUser

My best friend of 15 years moans and complains every time we meet up. We're both in our 30's, I work full time and all my money goes on rent, bills, food, I put some money in the credit union and the odd time I buy new clothes but otherwise I cant afford much else.
During the recession things were really bad for me, I couldnt get a job and almost became homeless, my long term partner and I broke up, I moved in with a nightmare couple that sent me over the edge, my mother then became very ill and almost lost her life, I then met a new man, moved in with him after a year but shortly after he became very abusive and I couldnt afford to move out. Ive had little to no financial or emotional support from my family, ever, despite this I saved everything I could, moved away from my now ex and I got myself a good education and im now working in a job that I love. The pays not great but its a start.

During this time my friend really distanced herself from me, I was very depressed and instead of helping me she pretty much cut me off. We got back in touch about a year ago when a mutual friend passed away, my friend seemed to have matured a bit and we sort of just picked up where we left off, it was like nothing ever changed between us.

Now everytime we meet I feel like her counselor, she complains she has nothing and has no financial help from anyone, this year alone her family bought her a new car, took her away on a 5 star holiday, took her on 3 other mini breaks away and her partner took her on a holiday too, her family buy her clothes, shoes, help her pay rent and money towards her children yet she complains they don't give her anything and they should be helping her more. I try to encourage her to be grateful for what she has but she just expects so much from everyone around her and nothing is ever good enough, she always wants more, more, more and gets upset when she doesnt get what she wants. She mostly lives off her partners income and her social welfare with allot of financial support from family.

Im of the mindset that you support yourself she has never had a job as she's never needed to work. She's trying to get a free house despite living her partner who has a very well paid job, she lies about this to social welfare and told them shes a single mother, one of her complaints is that its taking so long for the government to give her a house, her family are encouraging her to write to the local TD to try and speed things up. I suggested that homeless people are finding it hard to get houses right now but she took offence to my comment.
She complains how tired she is when all she's done is bring the children to school, go to the gym and meet her friends for lunch. I cringe when she complains about being tired when ive just finished an 8 hour shift in work without any food as I usually have to work through lunch and often have to bring work home with me to prepare for the next day.

Ive just come to realise that while she's moaning about how hard life is for her she knows very little, if anything at all about my struggles, the sacrifices I make daily to support myself or any of the issues im facing. I dont tend to bring my problems up in conversation, I just get on with things and dont like feeling as if im bringing the conversation down, but anytime I do mention something about my difficulties, her phone comes out and she sort of disengages from the conversation.

I dont want to let go of the friendship as we do have fun together but im finding it hard not to voice my opinion when she complains about her family giving her 'nothing' or how tired she is because she had to get up early to drop the children to school. She is genuinely looking for sympathy off me and while I dont want to be fake and react the way she wants me too, being straight or honest with her, even in the nicest way, causes offence.

Ho would others approach the situation with a friend like this who complained allot?

Sardonicat

You don't seem to like her at all. Why do you want to stay friends with her?

Big Bag of Chips

Free time is too precious to be spending it listening to that sort of crap. You work full time, and it seems even bring work home in the evening. You drifted apart before, just do it again. You don't need her friendship and support. You're getting no benefit from this friendship. You don't have a laugh or enjoy yourself in her company. So next time she tries to arrange to meet up be 'busy', and the time after that. And the time after that. She'll soon get fed up of you not being available to her and disappear again.

She's unlikely to check in and make sure everything is OK with you.

Calypso Realm

OP, I would have let her stay 'disappeared' after she distanced herself when you were going through a hard time yourself, which when you think about it, was in all probability for that very reason! That was a terrible thing to do, Unfortunately, there are many,self-indulgent, self-absorbed people like her who are emotional vampires in that they'd suck the life out of you in terms of gaining your sympathy and support BUT who, typically often fall short of the mark when the shoe is on the other foot! Not good!

We had an acquaintance/ex-colleague like this who was constantly calling us (in the end I just ignored the calls) to moan about the terrible day/week etc she had at work etc There was always some endless drama or other going on and if you met up with her she, like most people, made little or no effort to forget about it, preferring to wallow in it, instead. However, when one or other of us needed assistance with something (something she was very capable of providing it) she suddenly became unavailable, only to resurface again when things had calmed down! The final straw came when she did this to someone who really needed help with the result now no-one entertains her at all.

So for your own sake, I'd just phase her out! People like this, rarely if ever, change.

jimbobaloobob

Sounds like she's taking more energy from you than she's giving you. That doesn't stack up as a friendship on any level.

DontThankMe

I wouldn't consider her a friend OP she wasn't there for you when you were going through the toughest parts of your life and that's what friends should do be there for you through the very hard times not just the good times.

You should at least be honest with her and air your feelings which by the sounds of it she won't like but as you said in your post you don't want to fake things with her you don't have to be brutally honest but give her your view without being too mean.

Sam Quentin

#SelfCentred

nthclare

Sounds like a Narcissist..... disguard them....

Xterminator

Hi Op

you should withdraw a little from this friendship. I know it can be challenging making new friends as an adult but it can be done.