Exhausted, lonely, gay

LegacyUser

It's nearly 5am and I've had another night of no sleep. I really feel like I physically can't take this anymore.

There's so much I need to say and I don't know where to begin or how to put it all into words that are understandable.

I can't sleep again tonight because I have work in the morning and the fear of sleeping in and missing my 4 alarm clocks going off as well as the many alarms on my phone is ntoo much.

I am exhausted and even though I have so many different physical alarm clocks as well as multiple alarms on my phone I still can't sleep.

Work is so important to me because it's the only thing that lets me afford living away from home. I'm in my early 20's and have just finished college this May. My home life isn't great. My parents have a lot of issues and it would take forever for me to go into it all but essentially living away from home is very important for me.

I'm also gay and that is something that has caused me so much stress. It's been over 2 years since I 'accepted' it. The only person in my family who knows is my sister. I told her in May via text and I haven't gone home since because I'm too embarrassed by the fact I'm gay to even be around her.

I hate being gay, I would do anything to change it. I don't hate gay people or have any dislike towards them whatsoever, I have gay friends and I wouldn't change anything about them. I just can't accept it about myself.

I feel so alone, I have friends and one really good friend but I still feel so alone. I can't see myself having the future that I want. I want to be attracted to girls, I want to reach a certain age and have kids and just live a 'normal' life but I can't see a future like that happening when I'm only attracted to other lads.

I see myself in such a bad light because I'm just not what I want to be. I just hate the fact I'm gay, its something I'm not capable of accepting. It's been over two years now and I still haven't made much headway on it.

I feel like my life is just in this downward spiral and that there's no chance of it getting better. I'm so tired and I feel like I've just lost my mind at this stage.

It feels like I'm alone in this and nobody bar one friend even has an idea of what's going on. It's a charade living my life everyday and then going home and going back to this hell.

I don't know what i'm hoping to get from writing this I'm just at my wits end. I don't know what to do. I'm so tired. This isn't the first night I've stayed awake all night before work it happens every night before I have an early start.

I want to stop feeling so alone and I want to accept myself and rest assured in the fact that I don't need this monetary security blanket from work to protect myself from having to move home

rapul

Hey hold on in there, apologies I'm in work so can't reply in great detail, message your sister, tell her what you just posted she will want to help you in every way possible if she knows you are hurting that bad, talk to someone please

Kyle More

Sorry to hear that you're in such a dark place right now, OP. I'm guessing you're worried that your parents won't accept that you're gay, should they find out? I know you didn't mention it outright, but I do get a real sense of fear from your post that that's the case. As a matter of interest, how did your sister react to the news?

Also, a 'normal' family doesn't exist. They come in all shapes and sizes. I wouldn't see your homosexuality as being an insurmountable barrier to your desire to have a family. There are options for same sex couples who want children ie: adoption, surrogacy, sperm donation etc

Have you considered talking to someone about these issues? Until you can truly accept who you are, it'll be difficult to progress to where you wish to be in life. I wish you the best of luck.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Talking to someone with experience in what your going through will help you to realise that other people know exactly what your going through and that there is hope that you can move on past your feelings of despair.

Posting on this site is the 1st step. You've recognised that something needs to change. i recommend you give belong to a shout & ask about their one to one chats. no judgement, just a listening service and perhaps some good advice.

http://belongto.org/youngpeople/support-services/monday-chats/
Parliament House
13 Parliament Street
Dublin 2 D02 P658 T 01 670 6223
Email info@belongto.org

If i had one other piece of advice id tell you to call your sister, dont let that relationship wither. Its lonely for you, let someone in.

shesty

I can't reply in huge detail, but know that lack of sleep is going to make all your problems seem insurmountable.
You badly need to find someone to talk to and help you.

LegacyUser

OP I was deeply effected by your post. It was full of distress and anguish. I normally don't post here as I feel that others have better advice to offer.

However, I feel compelled to write a few lines to you in the hope that it might help in some little way.

You presume that your friends and family (except your sister) are unaware that you're gay. Have you considered the possibility that they might know or suspect that you're gay but are giving you the time and space to come out when you're ready?


I say this as my closest friend is in his late 30s and for a long time I suspected he might be gay. For the last few years he has been very depressed and troubled and once during one of our late night boozy heart to hearts I asked him if he might be gay. He said that he thought he might be but definitely didn't want to be. I should point out that friend is extremely opinionated and his views tend to be conservative. During the course of our conversation he said that if he couldn't accept himself how could he expect others to accept him. He was particularly worried about his parents reaction as they are very old fashioned. Thinking back now, I feel that some of my friend's strong opinions may have been a bit of a cover, they might have been his way of trying to eliminate doubt in friends/family with regards to his sexuality.


OP. My friend isn't ready to come out and he has put some distance between us since that night. I love him very much, I think about him every day and I miss him dreadfully but he is embarrassed by his revelation and has cut off contact. I would do anything to be able to persuade him that my love for him as my friend will never ever change. I would be overjoyed if he could be at peace with himself. His happiness has always been my only concern. I also believe the his family feel the same but he has pushed them away too and they are attributing the deteriorating relationship to his depression. I have no doubt that his family are worried about him and how depressed he is and would be relieved if they knew how they could best assist him.

Talk to your sister and any close friend(s) you have. Please, please don't push them away. They will want to be there for you. I want to be there for my friend and I'm heartbroken I can't be.

I wish you well, I hope the dark cloud that is hanging over you will lift soon and you'll be surrounded by people who will love and support you. You deserve to be happy, please follow your heart. Sending you love and lots of positive thoughts.

.......

Hi OP, did you post here before about this? I think I remember you outlining your feelings in a very similar way before.

The things you talk about in your post are completely achievable for a gay person. You can have a spouse and a family. Of course you can. Gay people live just as normal a life as straight people.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad about all of this. I think you need to talk to a professional about how you are feeling. The amount of anxiety and worry that you are carrying is really bad for your physical and mental health. Not being able to sleep and then going to work will eventually take its toll on you.

You need to speak to your GP about the anxiety preventing you from sleeping and the anxiety you feel in general about your sexuality.

Often we focus on something as a barrier to us living the life we want to life and we blow it out of all proportion. I think this is what has happened to you here. Your feelings are very real to you, but they are unfounded.

I suspect a lot of this is tied up in your background and relationship with your family. Please talk to someone. You deserve so much better for yourself, but only you can help yourself by talking to someone professional about it.

LegacyUser

OP first, sort out the sleep. Improve your sleep hygeine (no screens), ensure that youre well hydrated (not just full of water that youll only piss out) and develop a standard sleep time routine.
Having 4+ alarms just means that you can ignore the alarm as theres going to be another one. Set one alarm. No snooze button.

Re the being gay, I don't mean to belittle it but everyone has aspects about themselves that they dont like or that they even despise. Or multiple things. Frequently the things that are impossible or hard to change. You need to learn to accept it, live with it and own it instead of wishing it away. It's not being gay thats making you unhappy, its your perception of it.
Read the book "The Velvet Rage" - its a psychology book on how being gay affects gay men. Get it as an e-book on your phone if you dont want the physical copy around.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

I can only offer one piece of universal advice to you and that is that talking about things face to face with people REALLY makes you realise how manageable your stresses are.

All of these things, it seems like you have built them up to be huge obstacles in your mind....when really if you take them one-by-one, you can figure it out

Being gay - It doesn't sound like you have accepted it? It sounds like you feel it's a thing to feel ashamed of, that's not your fault, it's likely reflective of the upbringing you had or people who surrounded you.

In general, people are very understanding and accepting of homosexuality. It's neither a fault or a flaw, it's who you are - many would argue that being different makes you beautiful. I think you should work on coming out to some more people, maybe start with the gay pals you mentioned, they have had the same struggle. You might be surprised at how normal and fine most people will believe it is

If you're struggling with your parents, then maybe hold off on that to start but you can get some confidence in knowing that you are independent so you don't NEED them to support you. You just need the confidence to accept yourself, with or without their approval.

But feel free to ignore all of that and just take on board the one point that you need to talk to people, maybe find a support group like the one posted above. The more you hear yourself saying these things out loud the less troublesome they will feel.

Please also check back and let us know how you're getting on xx

lyinghere

I would suggest you write down this issue on a piece of paper.

Issue: I cant accept being gay.

Then write down all the reasons why you think you can't accept this. No judgement, but write every reason you can think of, they can be silly reasons, they can be perfectly reasonable reasons. Just write down bullet point answers as to why you think you cannot accept this.

When that list is exhausted you need to go through each one in detail. Write down how each reason is making you feel. This will help you understand why you see yourself in such a bad light. Why you feel your life is on a downward spiral. Why you feel alone. This should give you awareness of the exact causes of these negative feelings you have. This will probably explain whats keeping you up at night.

The next step is to conscientiously assess in detail these reasons. You need to work out are some of them just bull**** and if some are valid and you need to work out a solution. Keeping in mind how that reason is making you feel and that you want to overcome that feeling. Ask questions. Are they irrational. Why? Are they reasonable? Yes. Can steps be taken to overcome these concerns? Probably. Is this something you can change? No. How are you going to cope with that? Is there any actions you can take to learn to accept rather than just analysing and worrying? Probably.

Just some examples based on your post.

i.e.
Reason to not accept: I cant have a normal life. Critically asses: What is a normal life anyways. Gay people can now get married. Gay people date openly. Gay people have children. Gay people can relatively blend in unnoticed in society now.

Reason to not accept: My family will not accept. Critically asses: My sister has not cut me off. Have I cut her off? Is this feeding my loneliness. Parents not accepting in this day and age is rare. My parents have had their own lives and lived it how they wanted why should I not live my on my own terms.

Reason to not accept: I want to be attracted to girls. Critically assess: I am not attracted to girls. I am attracted to men. Can this be changed? No. Can I enjoy being attracted to men? Yes. Can I get married to a man? Yes. Can I settle down and have kids with a man. Yes. What is your biggest hindrance towards having this life? Wanting it to be with a woman despite knowing you are not attracted to women and ultimately that would be a very miserable existence for you both.

Action alleviates anxiety. I'm by no means saying this will be easy. I just think you need to take action here. I think you should also try this, assume you in the future has accepted you are gay. What does a happy life for you look like? It might be as simple as someone who gets a good nights sleep every night, doesn't feel alone, doesn't feel like life is on a downward spiral, continuing to live away from home as it is very important to you, maybe meeting and falling in love with a man and having a fulfilling relationship.


Take a look at my oldest posts. I've been here too. You're attitude can change and you can cope with this.