Wife's unbearable snoring

LegacyUser

Hello,

I've been married 6 years and everything is great apart from the last year my wife has started snoring due to what I believe is a pretty drastic increase in weight over the last year or so. It is very loud and obnoxious, I wear ear plugs but I have told her I think she needs to consider losing weight as she never snored before until she gained weight. This led to a lot of anger on her part, claimed I was calling her fat etc and doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. We have no kids and I'm a light sleeper and this is really affecting my sleep but is off limits to discuss now as it's apparently a cardinal sin to mention weight as a factor at all, she doesn't exercise and eats fairly poorly. She says get over it basically. Anyone found a solution for a similar situation?

silverharp

You are totally right to be frustrated, she is being immature , unreasonably defensive and cavalier about your needs. Is there something behind the weight gain? If its happened reasonably quickly then there might be? She is heading down a bad path, the snoring will turn into sleep apnoea and the weight gain might complicate having kids later or lead her down a path to pre/actual diabetes.
A simple start would be get a sleep app on your phone to record the snoring, hearing it might bring it home to her. Sleep As Android is a good one, secondly suggest one of you move to a spare room , it might underline how disruptive this is and isn’t something to be sucked up. Next try to address the food in some way, keep a rough food diary for both of you and see what the food issue is, junk food, snacks, overly processed food, eating at all hours? Try to come up with a joint plan that you both can get behind. There are various sleep hygiene steps one can take but honestly if weight is causing it then losing the weight will stop it. Best of luck

zapper55

The snoring is almost a side issue. The weight gain is the real issue. A drastic weight gain is concerning. Is she emotionally eating due to some issue perhaps. What's her mental state like?

I think you'll have to sit her down and say you are worried about her. She will be mortified so you'll have to tread very carefully but this is only going to get worse if you don't address it.

Arrival

I just don't understand why a partner can't point out weight gain to their partner, it's not like it's some unavoidable illness, it's something that can be worked on and improved. That is pathetic behaviour on her part. "Get over it", basically absolving her of the effort needed to stay in shape for her own health and your attraction to her. You're supposed to just completely accept her no matter how fat and out of shape she may get? People with this mindset are delusional and very disrespectful. If you love your partner you wish to stay as attractive for them as possible, not let yourself turn into a mess. One idea would be to sleep in another room in order to get back to getting a good night's sleep because it's very important for functioning during your day.

woodchuck

OP I really feel for you. I was with an ex for years who snored like a freight train. Unless you've been in that position, it's hard to understand the frustration - I used to be in tears during the night because my body was crying out for sleep, but it was just impossible. And that's not to mention the impact of sleep deprivation in your day to day life. I had no idea just how sleep deprived I was for years until after we broke up (the snoring wasn't the reason).

Like you, I used earplugs. They helped a bit, but only did so much. He tried every spray and gadget possible, with limited success. Drinking milk or alcohol in the evenings definitely made it worse, so I used to encourage him to avoid that. Sometimes out of sheer desperation I would just have to go sleep on the couch, but I'd wake up with a backache in the morning. Eventually it got a little better - I think it was a combination of him losing a little weight and my getting used to it :rolleyes:

The main issue though is to make your partner realise that there is a problem so that they will actually address it. I imagine it's difficult as she is not the one negatively affected by the snoring. But she needs to wake up and realise that this could become a major issue in your relationship if not addressed. I can imagine, like most people, the issue of weight gain is a very difficult topic to discuss. Maybe instead of focusing on that, encourage her to go to a doctor to get to the root of the snoring? A doctor may just confirm that it's the weight gain, but I imagine it'll hit home more to hear it from a professional than have it coming from you.

Maybe you could try to get more exercise together? Go for walks in the evening, days out at the weekend etc. Do you eat together? If so, maybe try come up with ideas for healthier recipes.

beertons

Tell her both of the issues you have.

Xterminator

Hi Op

One solution is to get seperate beds. Does not have to be seperate rooms, but it could depending on your accommodation situation. its important you don't suffer from chronic lack of sleep, for your own heath.

https://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/features/10-results-sleep-loss#1

Separate beds might act as a wake up call for your wife. . To be honest you can't make your wife change exercise and diet. you can only encourage her. it's obviously a very sore spot if she reacted the way she did. So look after yourself and make sure she understands your not doing this to punish her, bit for your own health and sanity.

zapper55

Arrival wrote: »

I just don't understand why a partner can't point out weight gain to their partner,

Because weight gain is hugely wrapped up in self esteem and self worth for many people, particular women. I'm a healthy weight now. But I've been there and feeling like you'll never loose it is horrendous.

witchgirl26

I think it's less a partner pointing out weight gain rather than the manner in which it's done. My partner asked me before about weight gain and it was done in a concerned (for me) manner with emphasis on was there anything he could help with etc. As opposed to "jaysus you've packed on the weight lately" kinda thing.

OP think about how you approached it with your wife and maybe considering taking another angle. Read up on sleep apnoea and maybe mention it that way to her that you're concerned as this is so new for her and not the norm. Suggest a visit to the doctor to see are there problems with her sinuses (sometimes this is the cause and not the weight-gain). Don't focus on the fact that it's affecting your sleep to her. Weight gain can be a sensitive subject for anyone and especially a partner pointing it out can feel like a criticism.

jlm29

How drastic is the drastic weight increase? Is it really enough to make her start snoring like a train, or could the nocturnal racket be attributed to anything else?

Bigbagofcans

Is she breathing properly when she's not asleep? I know a few snorers who breathe in with their mouths a lot of the time when they're awake.

Increase in weight is definitely a cause of snoring.

jlm29

Bigbagofcans wrote: »

Is she breathing properly when she's not asleep? I know a few snorers who breathe in with their mouths a lot of the time when they're awake.

Increase in weight is definitely a cause of snoring.

It’s definitely a cause, but not the only cause. I doubt a half stone would do it, that’s why I asked about the level of weight gain involved. I know someone who’s sisters (they shared a room at the time) were getting really annoyed by her new onset snoring that she went to the doctor. She ended up having cancer in her nose

LirW

Please talk to her again, point out your concerns and tell her she has to do a hormone status and should be referred to a pelvic ultrasound.
Did she go on birth control?
If it's not a psychological thing that she gained weight it could very well be that hormones caused her to pack up weight.

I had to go on hormones for a while and I put on quite a bit of weight, it messed with my metabolism and my energy levels.
It can also increase appetite without her actually realising it.

Good luck.

TheBoyConor

She could be going into menopause and during that time the hormones can be all over the place and cause significant weight gain and fat redistribution. Perhaps she should consider getting a blood test to see if her hormones are in balance.

Rosepetals85

Weight gain with loud snoring can be a sign of sleep apnea. She is best to get it checked with her gp

delta_bravo

Speaking as a snorer I was in the lady's position in this situation. I tried several devices including snoring rings, nose strips. Then I got this thing off amazon which is basically a gumshield for your top and bottom teeth that you bite on and stops you breathing through your mouth. Basically forces you to breathe through your nose. I have been told that my snoring is essentially gone or much reduced. I also recommend an app called snore lab which records you at night to get the volume of snoring

Best of luck with it

Ghekko

I'd be gone to the spare room. There was a couple on This Morning recently. He was a bad snorer. She moved to the spare room and it saved their marriage. They still are intimate but then one goes off to the other room for the rest of the night. Win win! I sometimes snore and my husband would snore after drink. I wish we had a spare room. There is no reason you should have to put up with it and share a room, so tell her that you are making up the spare bed (hope you have one) as you simply need your sleep. It's not offensive to her and if she sees it like that she needs to cop on. Definitely record her if she's in a strop about it all. Surely then she will realise that nobody should have to sleep in the same room as her (or any loud snorer). She may then address her weight issue. I'd start inviting her out for walks in the evening - it might make a start in helping her without having to be confrontational or upsetting her.

Delta Bravo can you link the mouth shield? Sounds like I could use something like that.