Doubts about introducing girl I'm dating to friends

LegacyUser

This is a bit of a strange one. I've started seeing this girl, been on maybe 7 or 8 dates. She seems lovely and very keen, but I'm starting to have my doubts. These doubts may be unfounded, but I thought to ask here before going any further.

I have a feeling that she is a bit too sophisticated for me. I'm not actually sure if that is the word I'm looking for, but I just know that she's not like me and has this air of upper class about her. She would be very well spoken, articulate and is very knowledgeable. I'm by no means uneducated, and without sounding like an a$$, would have a job which is perceived as requiring a good level of skill and intelligence.

It might be partially because I'm a bit of a lad and a messer whereas she has more of a witty sense of humour, but I do enjoy that. It also should be said that I do enjoy spending time with her and we are always messaging.

My real doubts come in when I think about introducing here to my friends. While they are very nice people, I just get this feeling that they would judge her to be this stereotypical D4 girl who looks down on others. She doesn't look down on people, but I could see how people could get that impression. She also holds strong opinions, many of which I can totally understand but I personally would not take as seriously as she does, and I have on occasion rolled me eyes (internally!) at how strongly she believes in them.

This may stem from the fact that I have only been in one serious relationship in my life, all the rest have survived a maximum of five dates. I also had no reservations with introducing my ex to my friends and I'm comparing her to my ex which is probably not a good thing to do. I'm at the point now where I feel this might be going somewhere but I'm being held back by this perception others may have which is ultimately causing me to have these doubts.

I know people will say "you shouldn't care what others think". That's all well and good, but I'm human. I care what people think!

Is the fear of introducing her to my friends a sign I should end things or am I overthinking this?

LegacyUser

So you’re worried your friends will think this girl looks down on people despite the fact you know and stated she doesn’t? And yet she’s the issue and not your friends or your perception of your friends?

You sound intimidated by her more than anything. If you’re looking for an excuse then end it. You’re coming across ridiculously immature. Leave her find someone that appreciates her without worrying what others think.

Drawing comparisons with exes is never a wise move. Ex for a reason!

joeguevara

If your friends see that she makes you happy and is nice to you then more than likely they will accept her. However, if they see you acting differently and perceive it as you trying to live up to your perception of her being too sophisticated for you then they will have an issue.

Introduce her and see how it goes. If there is insecurities on your part that will cease the relationship an awful lot quicker than your friends opinion of her.

leggo

Hmmm, this is an interesting one. I see where you’re coming from OP: would I be right in saying that, rather than it being about her, it’s more you wondering if she’ll gel with the friends? If so, I get that. I’ve been there and I’d say you’ll find a few here who have been too.

A good exercise you can do by yourself is to just keep asking yourself “Why do I feel this way?” and answer really honestly, again just to yourself, until you’ve got down to the nuts and bolts of it. It’ll get a lot easier from there.

For example, I don’t know from your OP if you’re more insecure about your friends or your girlfriend, i.e. are you worried they’ll think you have ‘notions’ (in which case you need better mates) or do you secretly think your girlfriend can be a bit of a dope with her opinions and how she carries herself and the thought of having her around your mates brings those feelings to the fore? (In which case I’d lean more towards “break up”) Both are fair thoughts to have, but get it right because if you make the wrong decision your situation won’t change and you’ll either be down a few mates or a good girlfriend.

Another thing worth remembering is that, as alluded to above, good mates aren’t going to interfere if you’re happy. Dickhead mates will put their own feelings ahead of yours and slag you to try influence your decision on what THEY want you to do with your life, but that’s going to be there regardless if it’s the case because, well, they’re dickheads.

I’ve no idea what the actual solution is but you’re at an interesting crossroads with this one so I’d strongly recommend some brutal honesty with yourself here to get to the bottom of it, because one way or another your gut will probably prove correct. It’s just that you need to figure out what exactly your gut is telling you.

heretothere

Just introduce her to your friends. Your friends will help give a different perspective on if ye work well together. My husband and I are from fairly different back ground but it works very well!

.......

You think that your friends will think she is stuck up?

So what? If you like her, surely thats all that matters?

completedit

How do people even come up with these scenarios?

LolaJJ

Hey OP

This sounds like a serious dose of over-thinking.

You're not introducing her as your fiancr wife, she's literally just a girl you have been on 7 or 8 dates with.

For some reason you like her, so maybe for some of that same reason your friends will too. Or maybe they won't give it half as much thought as you think they will!!!

tombliboo83

Hi OP, just a quick bit of advice re women. They are allowed to have “strong opinions “. It’s called “not being a walkover “. Perhaps she intimidates you as she’s the type of woman who won’t be taking the back seat in a relationship? i.e. she’ll be an equal. Bottom line, your friends approval will only bring you so far in life.

Mr. Incognito

Oh God,

Sounds like my ex. Was from a very well to do background, wealthy parents, very rigid outlook on life, was quite religious.

But was also funny, witty, pretty, loyal to a fault.

In the end it didnt work out because I found her too much work and drama. Relationships I prefer is when communication is open and straightfroward.

I gave it a year and afterwards it was like a weight had lifted.

However at no point in my relationship did I give a flying fcuk what anyone thought but me.

If you are happy people will pick that up from you. If you are not they will pick that up too.

Including her.

meeeeh

One of my friends asked another one what he thinks about a girl they both knew. The response was: oh she is a complete moron, without realising that the other one was actually dating her. They stayed together for years but it's safe to say she didn't spend much time in our group of friends.

There is always a chance your friends and girlfriend won't get along but unless you are planning double dates it really won't make much of a difference. Plus you will never know unless you introduce her.

osarusan

Let them at least actually meet each other and not get along, before you decide to break up with her because you think that when they meet each other, they won't get along.

LegacyUser

Nothere18 wrote: »

So you’re worried your friends will think this girl looks down on people despite the fact you know and stated she doesn’t? And yet she’s the issue and not your friends or your perception of your friends?

You sound intimidated by her more than anything. If you’re looking for an excuse then end it. You’re coming across ridiculously immature. Leave her find someone that appreciates her without worrying what others think.

Drawing comparisons with exes is never a wise move. Ex for a reason!

Unfortunately I do worry about what others think. I guess that is a flaw of mine, as well as the overthinking.

leggo wrote: »

For example, I don’t know from your OP if you’re more insecure about your friends or your girlfriend, i.e. are you worried they’ll think you have ‘notions’ (in which case you need better mates) or do you secretly think your girlfriend can be a bit of a dope with her opinions and how she carries herself and the thought of having her around your mates brings those feelings to the fore? (In which case I’d lean more towards “break up”) Both are fair thoughts to have, but get it right because if you make the wrong decision your situation won’t change and you’ll either be down a few mates or a good girlfriend.

Very helpful post leggo, thank you. I think it's more that she is not like me or anyone in my circle of friends. I'm more worried, as another poster said, that they won't gel seeing as they're from different kinds of social circles.

completedit wrote: »

How do people even come up with these scenarios?

I didn't realise my post was so far fetched. Unfortunately it's a real scenario, but thanks for the help.

tombliboo83 wrote: »

Hi OP, just a quick bit of advice re women. They are allowed to have “strong opinions “. It’s called “not being a walkover “. Perhaps she intimidates you as she’s the type of woman who won’t be taking the back seat in a relationship? i.e. she’ll be an equal. Bottom line, your friends approval will only bring you so far in life.

I think you're reading into my post a bit too much. At no point did I suggest that women are not allowed to have strong opinions, I merely said she has strong opinions, just like men can have strong opinions.

I think what I should take from this is to stop thinking about it and see how it plays out. I really need to get out of my head and go with the flow.

LegacyUser

What age are you and those in your friendship group? Is there a significant age gap with current and ex?

zapper55

tombliboo83 wrote: »

Hi OP, just a quick bit of advice re women. They are allowed to have “strong opinions “. It’s called “not being a walkover “. Perhaps she intimidates you as she’s the type of woman who won’t be taking the back seat in a relationship? i.e. she’ll be an equal. Bottom line, your friends approval will only bring you so far in life.

In my experience when someone, male or female, is described as having strong opinions it means they are a bit of a knob. Either always feel they have to win an argument or going on about something long after the topic should have moved on.

Ok do you enjoy her company and do you see potential for falling in love with her? 8 dates in you should have a good idea. I think this is less about introducing her to your fitness and more about niggles you have yourself about her.

beertons

Aim high. You might be surprised.

joeguevara

Are you projecting your own thoughts on your friends. The comment about rolling eyes internally may be something small now but if you are feeling like this at the start of a relationship where everything is supposed to be rosy may become a bigger issue down the road. If someone was having this affect on me at the start then I probably would know it’s not going to work out. I’m not saying you have to agree with all your girlfriends opinions but would never want to roll my eyes at something they say albeit internally.

professore

tombliboo83 wrote: »

Hi OP, just a quick bit of advice re women. They are allowed to have “strong opinions “. It’s called “not being a walkover “. Perhaps she intimidates you as she’s the type of woman who won’t be taking the back seat in a relationship? i.e. she’ll be an equal. Bottom line, your friends approval will only bring you so far in life.

OP correct me if I'm wrong here, but I think when the OP refers to "strong opinions" he is referring to the likes of NRA toting Donald Trump supporters, the anti Muslim brigade or people who believe they can be male one second, female the next and a furry 5 minutes later, or anyone who is not a vegan is worse than Satan, i.e. people who hold rigid ideological beliefs about things. Which is fair enough, but people like that can be very hard work if they keep harping on about it.

ginandtonicsky

My ex was from a very different background to me and while most of my friends got on with him, there were one or two that thought he was a bit of an eejit or "below me" etc. In hindsight I actually think it was more about them being uncomfortable losing one of their single allies (it was always the single ones), which I don't judge too much on, everyone has their struggles and shortcomings.

Point is, you can't please everyone and there will always be naysayers. Your friends aren't the ones embarking on a romantic relationship with her though, you are. Does she make you smile, do you look forward to seeing her, do you think of her a lot, do you fancy her? Those are the important things to focus on at this early stage.

Attraction and chemistry and compatibility are funny things, very rare to find together in another human. Sometimes they'll be driven by similarities, sometimes differences, but when you find those ingredients, nurture them. Don't worry about what your friends think. Many of my friends have partners I don't exactly see eye to eye with, they come along and we all make chit chat and get along anyway. That's what good friends do.

I'd also consider whether your own internal freak-out about committing to someone new might be a factor at play here too. Worth thinking about.

Kidchameleon

Why do you care what your friends think? You like her thats all that matters

LegacyUser

' I have a feeling that she is a bit too sophisticated for me.'
If that's how you feel now....then she IS.

Kindest thing for you to do is walk away.

Next six months you'll be thinking....I can't compete with her....

Followed by the 'what do you see in me phase'

She'll probably do everything to be a good girlfriend, get on with your friends....but you will always feel inferior.

#basedonatruestory