Marital Split

Wanderer19

Hi!
I want to split from my husband.
We have a house which costs a lot to run, and is in negative equity, and will be for a good few years.
Neither of us can afford the mortgage on our own. But if we sell up we're just making ourselves homeless as we have no deposit and neither of us earn enough to get another mortgage.
We have 2 children, a 12 yo and a 20 yo who is in uni and can't support himself.
Does anyone know what our entitlements are, in regard to the house?
TIA
(Posted on another forum but was advised to post here)

Avatar MIA

Wanderer19 wrote: »

Hi!
I want to split from my husband.
We have a house which costs a lot to run, and is in negative equity, and will be for a good few years.
Neither of us can afford the mortgage on our own. But if we sell up we're just making ourselves homeless as we have no deposit and neither of us earn enough to get another mortgage.
We have 2 children, a 12 yo and a 20 yo who is in uni and can't support himself.
Does anyone know what our entitlements are, in regard to the house?
TIA
(Posted on another forum but was advised to post here)

Move into separate rooms.

1 golden rule, nobody brings anybody else (as in partner) home.

Wanderer19

Avatar MIA wrote: »

Move into separate rooms.

1 golden rule, nobody brings anybody else (as in partner) home.

Thanks for the response - we're already in separate rooms, and we've agreed to not see other people for the moment.

My problem is I'm finding it really hard to live in the same house as him.
When I told him it was over, he asked for a 'trial separation' (he seems to think that this is time for him to fix what he thinks is broke. Hence not seeing other people).

lashes34

It might be your only option until ye can afford another place. Do either of ye have family to move in with as an alternative to living together but in seperate rooms

Avatar MIA

lashes34 wrote: »

It might be your only option until ye can afford another place. Do either of ye have family to move in with as an alternative to living together but in seperate rooms

To move out of the house is usually not advised.

When you say you are finding it very hard to live with him, is it simply because you dislike him.

Wanderer19

lashes34 wrote: »

It might be your only option until ye can afford another place. Do either of ye have family to move in with as an alternative to living together but in seperate rooms

Thanks for the response - not really - they're too far away and he has commitments near to where we live.

Wanderer19

Avatar MIA wrote: »

To move out of the house is usually not advised.

When you say you are finding it very hard to live with him, is it simply because you dislike him.

Thanks for the response - I don't want to move out - I can't trust him to pay the bills, and I can't pay the bills and pay to live elsewhere - plus I'm not leaving my children.

I don't dislike him - just his behaviour - sometimes behaving as if we're still together, checking my phone and my phone usage, other times he's ignoring me. He's started to text me - 10/12 times an day - despite me telling him I'm busy (work), but then refused to speak to me when I ask him something about the house!

bertsmom

I split with my partner after we had bought a house together. For a time neither of us could move. To be honest you just have to be an adult about it. We lived in the same house in different bedrooms for a few years and to be honest it was grand. Not ideal but perfectly fine.
As every one is human it took time for acceptable boundaries to be made and adhered to but the biggest thing that helped us both is not to get petty and bitter if I was making tea I offered a cup, we chatted as friendly as possible. I had to make an effort to not ask for assistance like you would from a partner ie collecting me from a night out or doing a little job for my mam etc and he had to learn the same. But once the dust settled all was fine. We both were seeing others but whilst we lived under one roof we NEVER brought anyone home.
He has since moved in with his girlfriend and im in our house but we have a plan in place of year and date the house will go on market, who will get what furniture etc.
Act like adults, stay on good terms as that makes ALL discussions way easier. Dont get bitter and at the end of it all you might be lucky that ya have a good friend from it all.
At the end of the day mortgages have to be paid or your future would be financially very difficult to start over.
Good luck but its not that bad a situation even if it seems so at present.

Wanderer19

bertsmom wrote: »

I split with my partner after we had bought a house together. For a time neither of us could move. To be honest you just have to be an adult about it. We lived in the same house in different bedrooms for a few years and to be honest it was grand. Not ideal but perfectly fine.
As every one is human it took time for acceptable boundaries to be made and adhered to but the biggest thing that helped us both is not to get petty and bitter if I was making tea I offered a cup, we chatted as friendly as possible. I had to make an effort to not ask for assistance like you would from a partner ie collecting me from a night out or doing a little job for my mam etc and he had to learn the same. But once the dust settled all was fine. We both were seeing others but whilst we lived under one roof we NEVER brought anyone home.
He has since moved in with his girlfriend and im in our house but we have a plan in place of year and date the house will go on market, who will get what furniture etc.
Act like adults, stay on good terms as that makes ALL discussions way easier. Dont get bitter and at the end of it all you might be lucky that ya have a good friend from it all.
At the end of the day mortgages have to be paid or your future would be financially very difficult to start over.
Good luck but its not that bad a situation even if it seems so at present.

Great advice, thanks x

bertsmom

Op I know it is hard. It sounds like your partner is reluctant to admit the romantic relationship is over and I think for a houseshare situation to work that is very important that both parties know that it is definitely over romantically. That for me was the absolute hardest thing. I felt like such a b!tch but my ex and I just totally drifted apart and no matter how hard we tried (twice) we just couldn't get back on track so it was for the best however he would have been willing to plod along like that for another 40yrs.

I found to gently try and get the message of finality across I would say stuff like "we should arrange a sit down to talk about the house and sort stuff out for the future" then just leave him be for him to come to terms with that and in a few weeks mention again "might be best for both of us if we sit down and get on paper what the plan for the future is re the house "
The first few months for us were the hardest while we negotiated what our agreement was but after that we settled into a really comfortable houseshare. We genuinely got on well and had grand chats and good craic.

Op I think it's important for you to look after yourself the end of a relationship is sad and its probably a little bit harder coming up to Xmas with all that brings with it. I hope you have a good friend for support and remember there is always brighter days ahead. I couldn't understand how I was so sad for a while when it was mostly me who wanted to officially end it but I understand now you grieve for the future you had imagined that has now changed and its scary to start afresh when your not in your youth but I wouldn't change a thing. Take your time to steady yourself and find your feet but life is short make the most of it. It's not the end it's a new beginning!

Wanderer19

bertsmom wrote: »

Op I know it is hard. It sounds like your partner is reluctant to admit the romantic relationship is over and I think for a houseshare situation to work that is very important that both parties know that it is definitely over romantically. That for me was the absolute hardest thing. I felt like such a b!tch but my ex and I just totally drifted apart and no matter how hard we tried (twice) we just couldn't get back on track so it was for the best however he would have been willing to plod along like that for another 40yrs.

I found to gently try and get the message of finality across I would say stuff like "we should arrange a sit down to talk about the house and sort stuff out for the future" then just leave him be for him to come to terms with that and in a few weeks mention again "might be best for both of us if we sit down and get on paper what the plan for the future is re the house "
The first few months for us were the hardest while we negotiated what our agreement was but after that we settled into a really comfortable houseshare. We genuinely got on well and had grand chats and good craic.

Op I think it's important for you to look after yourself the end of a relationship is sad and its probably a little bit harder coming up to Xmas with all that brings with it. I hope you have a good friend for support and remember there is always brighter days ahead. I couldn't understand how I was so sad for a while when it was mostly me who wanted to officially end it but I understand now you grieve for the future you had imagined that has now changed and its scary to start afresh when your not in your youth but I wouldn't change a thing. Take your time to steady yourself and find your feet but life is short make the most of it. It's not the end it's a new beginning!

Thanks, that's a really insightful reply x

Henry Ford III

bertsmom wrote: »

Op I know it is hard. It sounds like your partner is reluctant to admit the romantic relationship is over and I think for a houseshare situation to work that is very important that both parties know that it is definitely over romantically. That for me was the absolute hardest thing. I felt like such a b!tch but my ex and I just totally drifted apart and no matter how hard we tried (twice) we just couldn't get back on track so it was for the best however he would have been willing to plod along like that for another 40yrs.

I found to gently try and get the message of finality across I would say stuff like "we should arrange a sit down to talk about the house and sort stuff out for the future" then just leave him be for him to come to terms with that and in a few weeks mention again "might be best for both of us if we sit down and get on paper what the plan for the future is re the house "
The first few months for us were the hardest while we negotiated what our agreement was but after that we settled into a really comfortable houseshare. We genuinely got on well and had grand chats and good craic.

Op I think it's important for you to look after yourself the end of a relationship is sad and its probably a little bit harder coming up to Xmas with all that brings with it. I hope you have a good friend for support and remember there is always brighter days ahead. I couldn't understand how I was so sad for a while when it was mostly me who wanted to officially end it but I understand now you grieve for the future you had imagined that has now changed and its scary to start afresh when your not in your youth but I wouldn't change a thing. Take your time to steady yourself and find your feet but life is short make the most of it. It's not the end it's a new beginning!

Much credit to you and your ex. Sounds like you both avoided a lot of the bitterness that often derails any possibility of post relationship respect and friendliness (within reason).

bertsmom

Aw thanks Henry Ford and the best pf luck op. x