Night out with new boyfriend - I cringed

LegacyUser

Hi,

I will probably be judged as an ungrateful shallow girlfriend from my post, I ask not for criticism, just honest opinions and some similar experiences others have gone through. I am using bullet points to make it easier to read and hopefully it all won't come across to complicated.

So I met my now bf 2.5months ago. Have been crazy about him since day 1. He is so kind, caring and treats me like a lady. He's fab.

He has ADHD, has never been diagnosed he has told me.

Last week, he told me he loved me. I knew pretty soon after meeting him that he really liked me, but I feel like he has told me this way too soon.

I didn't say it back to him, told him its still too early for me to say that, but I am mad about him. He was OK about it. I think.

Fast forward to the weekend, we went out on the piss. I know when most people are drunk they make fools of themselves, and yes maybe I am shallow and care too Mich what people think.

Basically he told everyone we were talking to how Much he loved me, we didn't really know these people either and his dancing made me cringe. At one point he got up on stage and the bouncer had to take him down, he was basically a really annoying drunk. I feel like such a bitch for even thinking of all this.

Other little things just seemed to tick me off for eg leaving the taxi the taxi man nearly had to tell him to f off when he was dropping us home he wouldn't stop talking ****e.

I sound so shallow, and ya I prob am. I grew up in a house were basically my parents cared what the neighbors thought, so I do tend to be that way, even though I wish I wasn't. I don't like drawing attention, where as he would take no notice, something I do like about him in a way.

We get on so well. Don't have everything in common, but I feel bad that I was embarrassed by him Saturday night and tbh I don't know if I'd look forward to another night out with him . ugh.

I guess I'm hoping I'll just eventually get over this and not give a fuk about him getting hyper on a night out.

I sound like such a bitch. And I feel like one. I don't need to be told. And I am mad about and grateful for this guy.

Thanks.

sReq | uTeK

The telling people he loved you bit I could gloss over as romantic .

However, personally I couldn't go out with a messy drunk, every night out of be wondering what would happen and just couldn't relax.

Is he always like this or was this just a once off?

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

You didn't say in your post how old you and your BF are. I'm going to assume you're pretty young.

When your boyfriend says he loves you and you feel a shiver
When he professes his love for you publicly and you want to die
When other random things he does tick you off...

It's pretty much the start of the end...otherwise you would think all of the above was great/cute/endearing/flattering.

Arrival

I don't think you sound like a bitch. If I went out with a partner and they turned into a sloppy drunk drawing too much attention to themselves, and us as a couple, I'd feel embarrassed also. I've grown apart from friends who turned into idiots when they drank, I just don't understand why people like this don't control their drinking because it's ****ing annoying to be around so why would someone consciously continue being annoying? **** off like. And this same attitude applies to partners.

All you can do is speak with them, let them know your actual thoughts. Don't shy away from tackling awkward and uncomfortable discussions with partners, especially ones you're in serious relationships with, because you'll just allow things to build up. Everything has to be talked about and resolved and if something can't be resolved then you're incompatible (for example, if this lad gets really upset and offended by your feelings in this and can't take your thoughts and feelings into consideration, apologise and improve as a result they may show how unreasonable they may be).

Katgurl

You don't really need to justify why you go off somebody especially in the early days - I'm guessing you're quite young too.

For me once I got the ick that was it.

I remember I had a boyfriend who was absolutely perfect for me in my 20's. If I had sat down and written a boyfriend spec the factory would have sent him. Then, similar to yourself - we went out with a group of my friends. It was to a wedding afters. Everyone was standing around chatting politely, not messy yet. I did the introductions then he went to get me a drink and kissed me. Everyone smiled at how lovely my new boyfriend seemed. He hovered for a moment. Then he kissed me again. I wondered was he basking in how romantic he was coming across when he smiled into my face and said "I'll miss you (he was goign to the bar and back)". Smirks all around. I wanted the ground to swallow me up! I really tried to make it work for another while but I was turned off and couldnt change back. Lol anyway - like yours this was a great guy so maybe the joke was on me but... Yuck.

Ursus Horribilis

I think that in time, you'll figure this out for yourself. This is still quite a new relationship so you're still getting to know each other. That includes the other person's flaws and if they're something you can tolerate. If you have been put off by your boyfriend's behaviour, go with your gut feeling. No amount of telling yourself you're a bitch or a snob or a "what will the neighbour think" type will overcome that nagging feeling in the pit in your stomach. Nor will trying to convince yourself that he's perfect in every way.

Having said that, I'm not advocating you throw the baby out with the bathwater yet. It's not clear if you have spoken to him about how he behaved. I think you should. Was this a one-off or has he got form when it comes to behaving like this when he has drink in him? Do you know if he had taken any drugs? You mentioned that he has self-diagnosed himself as having ADHD. Is there any reason why he or his parents never brought him to a doctor about this?

leggo

You're right when you say it's VERY early for him to say he loves you. You can feel intense infatuation for someone that some mistake as love, that's just a process you learn as you grow though, so I wouldn't hold it against him too much.

Case in point that it's too early: you've just learned that he's a messy drunk. And that's a totally fair dealbreaker if you want it to be. Look, compatibility is what it all comes down to: this is why we go through these stages of doing stuff together despite 80-90% of a relationship eventually coming down to figuring out who does what housework and deciding what to eat that night while watching Netflix. You go out and get pissed with someone ultimately to see if you're compatible and have fun while out together and pissed. Judgement aside, sadly you are not. That's fine. It's also not the end of the world if you don't want it to be.

Sadly the only real way to deal with this and save it long-term is to talk about it. I wouldn't judge or moralise or tell him what you expect, just tell him how you felt when you were out and let him figure it out himself. Otherwise you can not tell him to save an awkward conversation, but what'll happen then is you'll get anxious and dread any future nights while also watching him like a hawk to see if he repeat offends. When you set someone up like that in your head, they're eventually going to fail regardless of what they do.

Long story short, you can go whichever way you want from here. If you've got the ick (love that phrase btw), you're totally fine letting this go. If you like him and want to move forward, your only route is to talk about it and see where that goes.

professore

Katgurl wrote: »

You don't really need to justify why you go off somebody especially in the early days - I'm guessing you're quite young too.

For me once I got the ick that was it.

I remember I had a boyfriend who was absolutely perfect for me in my 20's. If I had sat down and written a boyfriend spec the factory would have sent him. Then, similar to yourself - we went out with a group of my friends. It was to a wedding afters. Everyone was standing around chatting politely, not messy yet. I did the introductions then he went to get me a drink and kissed me. Everyone smiled at how lovely my new boyfriend seemed. He hovered for a moment. Then he kissed me again. I wondered was he basking in how romantic he was coming across when he smiled into my face and said "I'll miss you (he was goign to the bar and back)". Smirks all around. I wanted the ground to swallow me up! I really tried to make it work for another while but I was turned off and couldnt change back. Lol anyway - like yours this was a great guy so maybe the joke was on me but... Yuck.

Sounds more to me like you thought more of how other people percieved you than you did of your boyfriend. This is a a different situation than the OP. The OP's BF changes personality when he drinks. This is never a good thing IMO.

Porklife

I totally understand Op, nothing less attractive then a messy drunk.

Keyzer

This will be cringey for a while until it drives you crazy.

It's frustrating dealing with someone who is perfectly fine sober and an idiot when drunk - over time, their cringey behaviour will become something that really pisses you off.

ChrissieH

OP, I agree with everything everyone else has said and everyone makes really good points.

You said that you're hoping that you'll eventually get over it and not care about him getting hyper on a night out, and I think that there's a strong possibility that in time, you'll both rub off on each other, so he might calm down a bit / you might forget about what other people are thinking.
I completely understand where you're coming from, I would absolutely hate to be in your situation myself, it is mortifying and unattractive, but after nearly 3 months of being pretty good together, I would also give him the benefit of the doubt and see what happens next time ye go out.

Not the same, but for the first 2 years that I was with my BF (now husband), really horrible, volatile arguments sparked really easily between us on nights out, to the point that I made a point of avoiding him completely when he / we were drunk, but then as the years went by, we both seem to have changed our attitudes slightly - I chilled out a bit more and he pared back the class clown act a bit - so now we're at point where we have the best craic together and I'm never embarrassed by things that I used to find embarrassing just because they were different to what I'd do.

I do appreciate though that what you said sounds a bit OTT and I can totally sympathise with you - I went on a date from an online dating forum once and yer man was nothing like his photo, and had none of the banter we'd had when chatting online, but when I saw him dancing, I just couldn't :-D :-D
Turn-offs are turn-offs.. not every relationship is meant to last!

Floppybits

You are not shallow, well not to me. There is nothing worse than a messy drunk. I can forgive the bad dancing, we are not all Michael Jackson and it is a bit of laugh, but there is nothing worse than a drunk person waffling the ears off ya.

Pyr0

When said he loved you, did you say it back to him? If not, then I can understand how you felt uncomfortable with him telling everyone he loved you when you haven't said it back at all, I'd be exactly the same.

I think being drunk with your OH for the first time can be a real eye opener for some couples. Most people do annoying things when they're drunk, i know i'm not perfect but others can change and be completely different people which can be really off putting. It sounds like he changed quite a lot compared to his normal personality, i can look past bad dancing (mainly because i'm a horrific dancer myself) but being disruptive and thrown off a stage is pretty embarrassing.

If you feel that this would be a regular occurrence if you go out with him then i'd have a chat with him and nip it in the bud fairly quickly, he may not even be aware that his behaviour is a problem for you.

Reesy

I'm with Ursus above - and I'd add that maybe he was really buzzed up to have such a lovely girlfriend (he has ADHD, after all) & got over excited. I say keep on with it & maybe talk to him gently about the night - asking him how he felt it went & gently giving your feedback.

never_mind

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think that in time, you'll figure this out for yourself. This is still quite a new relationship so you're still getting to know each other. That includes the other person's flaws and if they're something you can tolerate. If you have been put off by your boyfriend's behaviour, go with your gut feeling. No amount of telling yourself you're a bitch or a snob or a "what will the neighbour think" type will overcome that nagging feeling in the pit in your stomach. Nor will trying to convince yourself that he's perfect in every way.

Having said that, I'm not advocating you throw the baby out with the bathwater yet. It's not clear if you have spoken to him about how he behaved. I think you should. Was this a one-off or has he got form when it comes to behaving like this when he has drink in him? Do you know if he had taken any drugs? You mentioned that he has self-diagnosed himself as having ADHD. Is there any reason why he or his parents never brought him to a doctor about this?

+1

To be blunt, calm yourself, OP, we all get a bit too drunk the odd time. If he was neverous he may have drank more... give him a chance.