Back home from living abroad, no one really cares

Itmustbeii

I have been living abroad for just over a year, travelling and working. I had a fantastic time but was so excited to come home and see my family and friends.

I imagined it would be lovely, catching up, going for drinks, everyone excited to see me. Instead it’s been... nothing really. Before I left I had a nice social circle, nothing crazy, but I always had someone I could call or txt to go for coffee or a few drinks and now I don’t have that. My friends that told me they were excited to see me have barely bothered. One left early when I went to see her. Another saw me once and barely replies to my txts now. I sent a group message to my family to ask if anyone would like to go for dinner now I’m home, only one of them replied to say she couldn’t.

Is it really a case of out of sight, out of mind? I’m so lonely and feel like maybe I just didn’t have true friends to begin with. I am staying with my dad until I sort out my own place, and I spend my weekends in the pub with him, which is lovely, but ultimately makes me feel very lonely.

I am wondering if this is the norm when someone comes back from being abroad, maybe it doesn’t come easy and you have to rebuild your life.

Maybe people are genuinely busy, and I dont to come across as self pitying, but it’s lonely knowing ill have no one to see this weekend, and it feels hurtful that from my perspective it feels like no one is really all that happy to see me.

Batgurl

OP, my advice isn’t going to be easy to hear but it’s what you need to hear.

You’re thinking is very self involved. You moved away and had all these great adventures and missed everyone deeply. But to them, you moving away was only a small blip on the radar of their every day life. You became a nice picture to look at on FB or Instagram but you weren’t part of their every day life any more.

Now you are home, sure you will catch up with everyone at some point but you are not their priority. It will take time and it’s YOU that needs to get back into the swing of everyday life and hopefully eventually your friends will find a way and rhythm to fit back in but this isn’t on them. It’s on you to do.

Also, realise that while you are keen to meet everyone right now as soon as possible, this is just strong emotions and these will fade. People are busy and have lives, give it time.

Calypso Realm

OP Sorry to hear you've experienced this. Can I just ask did you maintain contact with friends etc while you were away?

Itmustbeii

Calypso Realm wrote: »

OP Sorry to hear you've experienced this. Can I just ask did you maintain contact with friends etc while you were away?

Yes I did, I consciously stayed in regular contact. Some friends I noticed didn’t stay in much contact at all which was hurtful, and sometimes wouldn’t even reply when I asked how they were.

One stayed in very regular contact but once I was home, really doesn’t want to know me. I almost feel she just missed me because she knew I wasn’t there, and now I’m back it doesn’t mean all that much to her. Again, her responses to me are sort of half hearted and she hasn’t responded to my request to do something together. Maybe I need to look at the people I chose to have as friends or maybe I need to recognise they have their own lives. It feels confusing, and I’m just very lonely.

Itmustbeii

Batgurl wrote: »

OP, my advice isn’t going to be easy to hear but it’s what you need to hear.

You’re thinking is very self involved. You moved away and had all these great adventures and missed everyone deeply. But to them, you moving away was only a small blip on the radar of their every day life. You became a nice picture to look at on FB or Instagram but you weren’t part of their every day life any more.

Now you are home, sure you will catch up with everyone at some point but you are not their priority. It will take time and it’s YOU that needs to get back into the swing of everyday life and hopefully eventually your friends will find a way and rhythm to fit back in but this isn’t on them. It’s on you to do.

Also, realise that while you are keen to meet everyone right now as soon as possible, this is just strong emotions and these will fade. People are busy and have lives, give it time.

I understand all of this sure, and I absolutely agree with most of what you’re saying. But but when a friend returned from abroad, I really think I would’ve been full of excitement to see them and to let them know I missed them. Maybe my emotions are just stronger now because I’m adjusting to life at home, but it’s hard to deal with this feeling that my friends are maybe not actually my friends after all.

Ursus Horribilis

Is there any chance they're jealous?

Itmustbeii

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Is there any chance they're jealous?

It’s crossed my mind. If I’m being honest, the friends I’m referring to have actually stabbed me in the back before in the past. One of them didn’t even ask me anything about my experiences abroad at all, but just talked about herself. I am feeling confused and lonely and my first thoughts were that I wasn’t important enough to be missed, but maybe the problem is with them? Again I don’t want to come across as self involved in my thinking, but it’s hard for me to process it all as I’m quite lonely and disappointed at my friends.

Ursus Horribilis

If they stabbed you in the back previously, why do you still call then friends?

Itmustbeii

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If they stabbed you in the back previously, why do you still call then friends?

I’m not sure actually, it’s something I ask myself. I think it points to my self worth, that I allow that to happen and just gloss over it. I guess without them I wouldn’t have many friends left, and I’m really afraid of that.

B0jangles

This might sound a bit cold, but a lot of the time hearing about someone else's holiday is more of a chore to be endured than a real pleasure for the audience. It's ok when you yourself have stories to share about your own travels, but otherwise it can be pretty boring to hear stories about people you'll never meet and places you've never been to.

While you were away all these people were getting on with their own lives and excitements -I think you'd be much better off getting back into the swing of local affairs. Good luck, I know how much of a jolt coming back after a long trip can be; you tend to remember all the good stuff about home and forget the boring bits, then when you actually return, the boring bits coming charging back

Confused1aaa

Itmustbeii wrote: »

I have been living abroad for just over a year, travelling and working. I had a fantastic time but was so excited to come home and see my family and friends.

I imagined it would be lovely, catching up, going for drinks, everyone excited to see me. Instead it’s been... nothing really. Before I left I had a nice social circle, nothing crazy, but I always had someone I could call or txt to go for coffee or a few drinks and now I don’t have that. My friends that told me they were excited to see me have barely bothered. One left early when I went to see her. Another saw me once and barely replies to my txts now. I sent a group message to my family to ask if anyone would like to go for dinner now I’m home, only one of them replied to say she couldn’t.

Is it really a case of out of sight, out of mind? I’m so lonely and feel like maybe I just didn’t have true friends to begin with. I am staying with my dad until I sort out my own place, and I spend my weekends in the pub with him, which is lovely, but ultimately makes me feel very lonely.

I am wondering if this is the norm when someone comes back from being abroad, maybe it doesn’t come easy and you have to rebuild your life.

Maybe people are genuinely busy, and I dont to come across as self pitying, but it’s lonely knowing ill have no one to see this weekend, and it feels hurtful that from my perspective it feels like no one is really all that happy to see me.

Hi Op, the same thing happened with my friends when I came back to Ireland- some friends who I would have seen 2-3 times a week before I left suddenly had no time for me, it’s nearly 5 years since I’ve come home and I think we’ve met up twice in that time. It’s an awful feeling and a huge anti climax. What helped me was to step back and see it from their point of view- the pause button didn’t get pushed when you left, you’ve all gotten on with your lives, had good days and bad day, adventures and disappointments, built relationships and had life changes, far more than can be shared over text or calls, they’re not the same people as when you left and neither are you. You can’t just step back into old relationships and old routines, take things slow and the friends who truly want to stay in your life will fit back into it. Maybe try to organize a night in to catch up, there’s less pressure than a night out and it’s easier to relax and catch up

GingerLily

It's quite a complicated thing tbh,.im someone that stayed and find it's quite difficult at first when people come home.
They've usually changed a lot but also don't appreciate that you've been living your own life that might be just as interesting s theirs.

Don't assume they're jealous, if they get a wiff of that then you'll annoy a lot of people.

NeonCookies

OP how old are you? You don't have to answer, it's just things change a lot with friends between early, mid and late 20s. I went abroad for a year when I was 21 and things were much the same when I came home - out most weekends with friends. I went abroad again from when I was 23 to 25, and it took me a long time to adjust when I got home. Expat life was different as everyone was looking to make friends and often worked in the same company so had same time off etc. But back at home, everyone had settled into their own lives and schedules didn't match up anymore. I'm home 3 years now and still crave that expat/traveller life at times but I'm also settled into my own routine. Boring yes but it happens. I still have some wonderfully close friends and when we do manage to get together we have a great time.

I would worry about what you have said about how your friends have treated you in the past. It may be that you have grown in confidence since your travels and they know they can no longer treat you the same way. But it's hard to know just from your posts.

I'm sorry your feeling lonely - I do know what that's like, empty weekends etc. Try to get out there and maybe join some clubs or groups, even people with similar interests in travel? Things will get better.

milli milli

OP you mentioned that your ‘friends’ stabbed you in the back before so they are not good friends. You are better off without them and finding new friends.

I sometimes find there can be a bit of begrudgery with some people. I’m always delighted to hear about my friends trips and what they got up to. I remember coming back from an amazing trip many years ago and dying to tell people about it, but some people just didn’t want to hear and only spoke about their own stuff.
Good friends are happy about good things in their friends lives. As long as you are not going on and on ad nauseum about ‘X Country this and X Country that’ then your friends should be happy to hear, as long as you are happy to hear about what’s going on in their lives too.

Oranage2

As another posted said people just move on with their lives, you've been gone a year and people have adjusted with you being gone, people don't like just like change. And hearing about your wonderful adventures as they face the daily grind wouldn't be that tempting for most people. Sounds like a good opportunity to leave some old friends behind and get out there and meet new like minded people.

Ursus Horribilis

I agree with the points made about the travel bore. Having to listen to someone banging on about their travels can be nearly as bad as having to watch their holiday videos. It doesn't look like you even had the chance to bore anybody here though. My guess is that you going away cut the fragile bonds you had with these "friends". How long have you been hanging out with them anyway? I bet it's since you were all in school and you all continued to hang out afterwards.

You've admitted yourself that you glossed over their behaviour towards you because you're afraid that you'll have few friends otherwise. Perhaps it's time to get fussier with who you consider to be a friend. Do you really want to have people who think so little of you in your life? You mentioned your self-worth in your post. It can't be making you feel too good if you know in your heart and soul that your "friends" don't really like you.

You had the balls to leave your comfort zone and go abroad. You are stronger than you think and you are worth more than these so-called friends think you are. Are there any steps you can take to broaden your social circle and move beyond this lot?

cloudatlas

I must be the exception, it depends on the story teller, I enjoy travelling so love hearing about other people's experiences, O.P. needs to have a fall back and start trying to make new friends, don't give up on the old one's but try to join groups with people with whom you enjoy a hobby, get on meetup, look around your locality and start making new connections.

Ellie2008

milli milli wrote: »

OP you mentioned that your ‘friends’ stabbed you in the back before so they are not good friends. You are better off without them and finding new friends.

I sometimes find there can be a bit of begrudgery with some people. I’m always delighted to hear about my friends trips and what they got up to. I remember coming back from an amazing trip many years ago and dying to tell people about it, but some people just didn’t want to hear and only spoke about their own stuff.
Good friends are happy about good things in their friends lives. As long as you are not going on and on ad nauseum about ‘X Country this and X Country that’ then your friends should be happy to hear, as long as you are happy to hear about what’s going on in their lives too.

I think it’s a massive mistake to assume that if people don’t seem very enthusiastic about a trip you thought was amazing that must be attributable to begrudury. I have quite a few friends who have travelled extensively they generally don’t talk about their travels in huge detail. It’s not that interesting to someone that wasn’t there. You seem to somewhat assume that if people don’t behave exactly as you would they are jealous, you might simply be more intterested in travel than others are.

I do have one friend who refers to herself as having had the ex-pat experience in a manner that suggests her life is more enriched than those who haven’t, which is a bit painful to listen to as nobody wants to be told my life is better than yours no matter what the topic. Of course people want to talk about their own stuff, what do you expect that they are counting down the days until they can hear about your amazing trip?! It was your amazing trip. I know a guy who hates traveling, he finds airports stressful & seems to let that put him off. If he didn’t seem massively interested in your trip it wouldn’t be jealousy.


I always ask a friend “How was your holiday?” & I’m interested in the reply. I usually get the highlights eg. bad/good hotel, good food, we did X,Y or Z. I’ve had friends that moved home from living abroad & I don’t remember rolling out the red carpet, not that I wasn’t happy to see them but exactly as others had said I was busy with my own life which hadnt stood still while the person was away.

OP - please don’t make the mistake of assuming your friends are jealous I’d wager that isn’t the case. The reality is most people living in Ireland could live abroad for awhile if they really wanted to do why would they be jealous of you?
It does sound as if the situation is more complicated but as others have alluded to why not use this as an opportunity to make new friends? It’s not an easy thing to do as an adult but it’s certainly possible.

LegacyUser

Bit of an odd attitude from some people in this thread. Personally I'd be very interested to hear in detail any things that my friends are excited about, including travel, new courses, work stories etc. I think maybe people who don't want to hear your stories often just aren't happy with their own lives.

This is a good time for you to make a fresh start now that you're home, meet new people and cull some of the old friends bringing you down.

Ellie2008

Jessiebird4 wrote: »

Bit of an odd attitude from some people in this thread. Personally I'd be very interested to hear in detail any things that my friends are excited about, including travel, new courses, work stories etc. I think maybe people who don't want to hear your stories often just aren't happy with their own lives.

This is a good time for you to make a fresh start now that you're home, meet new people and cull some of the old friends bringing you down.

Why would you assume that people who don’t approach things in the same manner as you are unhappy with their own lives?! It’s a massive leap from one to the other. I don’t talk about my children a huge amount to my friends who don’t have children as much as I do to my friends that do. I wouldn’t assume that if my friend childless or not didn’t appear massively interested in another story about a 5 year old that they are jealous.

I do think part of being someone’s friend is being happy & excited for them when good things happen to them. But the OPs friends have their own lives which they lived in the OPs absence, there is a balance to be achieved.

That said, I’d agree that it seems the OP would do well to direct her engeries towards finding a new group of friends.

openup

I understand what you're going through op, having lived abroad for years myself, and it can be tough but I have to echo what others are saying; your friends have their own lives.

You expected them to be excited to hear about your stories from abroad but how excited were you to here about what they've been up to here? Even if you've only been gone for 6 months/a year they've done just as much as you have and they'e made new friends who filled the void you left. If you want to maintain the friendships you need to make the effort, not them. Otherwise just leave them in the box marked "old friends" and catch-up at Christmas like you did when you were away.

Several of my friends would genuinely forget that I was home for a few months after I moved back too! I wouldn't get invited to anything unless I asked what they were up to.

The only advice I have is
1. Don't take it personally.
2. Be blunt! I explained to a couple of friends that I was finding it tough socially and that I was going to be clingy until I found my feet. One of them (who had also lived abroad and understands) has been so great and invites me everything!
3. Make new friends. Moving home is the same as moving away. My good friends from before are still my good friends but i've had to go out of my way to make new friends, just like I did when I moved away.

italodisco

Itmustbeii wrote: »

It’s crossed my mind. If I’m being honest, the friends I’m referring to have actually stabbed me in the back before in the past. One of them didn’t even ask me anything about my experiences abroad at all, but just talked about herself. I am feeling confused and lonely and my first thoughts were that I wasn’t important enough to be missed, but maybe the problem is with them? Again I don’t want to come across as self involved in my thinking, but it’s hard for me to process it all as I’m quite lonely and disappointed at my friends.

I'd rather be lonely than be surrounded by snakes.

Move on and start a new chapter in your life, it's only to late to start a new chapter if you believe it is

leggo

I'm trying to put myself in your friends' shoes, as I have been a few times. When people are away, in my experience what they seem to not realise is that they made a conscious effort to leave their friends and life went on back home. Not in a bad way, it's just that even while keeping in touch over Whatsapp etc, your routine has to be adjusted for this person no longer being in your life and you get comfortable in a new routine. And I never feel bad about that either: again, this person made a decision themselves, and I support them and will try re-accommodate them the best I can when they return. It's just that I can't be expected to just sit there and miss them while they're gone then forget about all the things that filled the hole they left when they come back.

Also, as some have said, sometimes travel wankery is an absolute chore to sit through. I mean unless I want to go to Lake Titicaca myself or something really funny/interesting happened there, I've got about two minutes to listen to a story about the beauty and serenity of it all, then I'm zoning out. I love a good story, but very few good stories start with "It was amazing!" So if all your travel tales follow that pattern, that right there could be your problem. Be a bit conscious of this OP, as it feels like this has been a decision that's been made across the board by multiple different friends, so whenever that happens it's usually something you yourself are doing. Could you be going on about your own travels a bit much and not really engaging in what they did themselves, perhaps assuming you obviously had the more interesting time? If so, that could be contributing a bit to this, and you'd be better off owning that and fixing it if it's the case than writing everyone else off as wrong.

Then again, maybe you're doing everything right and did just have bad friends and you're learning that now the hard way. If that's the case, then the solution is at least clear if not necessarily easy: make new friends!

ChattyChick

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you're going through this because it's a lousy feeling to want to come home to a big welcome and realise that life has gone on without you. I don't mean that in a horrible way, just that while you were gone and missing your loved ones, they were getting on with their lives. You were too, and having amazing adventures by the sounds of it!

I don't know how old you are but is it possible that in the time you were away, everyone moved on a little bit. Perhaps that was the year that everything stopped revolving around going for drinks? I might be reading two much into it but in your first paragraph alone you mention going for drinks twice and then you go on to say you spend the weekend in the pub with your Dad. If your friends are working or have partners and/or kids maybe they're just not into that anymore. Maybe lunch or dinner or something family friendly? Just an idea. I have found that one of the best ways to reconnect with old friends from the "lost years" if you know what I mean is to do something we never would have done together then.

TimesArrow

Some really interesting comments here and i can relate to both sides of the issue.

I’ve been living in Canada for nearly five years and have been home twice in that time. The first time going home, after two years, was exciting and I thought everyone would be excited to see me and so on. And there was a little of that, but it dissipated very quickly. I’m in my mid 30s and have missed a few weddings, kids being born, funerals and other things during that time.

The point is, life goes on and marches forward. So by the time my second trip came around, I knew what to expect. Friends knew I was coming back, some made the effort to meet up (as did I) and some didn’t. And I prefer to give my time to people who appreciate it if you know what I mean. Friendships take effort to maintain as time goes on. It can be pretty brutal to realize you’re not as close with some people as you thought you might be. I don’t take it personally when people don’t seem bothered I’m home. At least half my group of mates have lived abroad at some point so It’s nothin special. As someone said “travel wankery” is a pain in the hole and I’ve probably done some of that- but when someone does the same to me, I take it with a pinch of salt.

I don’t regret leaving ireland at all, and I may return next year. The trade off was removing myself from the social circle. I guess living away gives a bit of perspective as to relationships at home. I’m pretty good on whatsapp at keeping in touch, but it’s not the same. One friend even said It was like I wasn’t away at all as were in touch so much on whatsapp.

Out of sight out of mind is very much a real thing. I’m going home for a month in a few weeks for my first Xmas in 5 years at home. And it’ll be spent primarily with family and a couple of close friends. Enjoy the simple things OP and don’t take it personally

zoobizoo

Hey OP,

I remember when I came back from travelling and I had a load of stories to tell (nearly getting kidnapped...... ladyboys..... yaddiyada). I was well aware not to be one of those "when I was in Australia...... " or "Ireland is so backward.." or ..."everywhere else is so much better" returning travellers.

I happened to be at a party on Saturday night I told a travel story to two people I was with at the bar as one of them had just been to a place I'd been to 20 years ago.

The guy who'd been there listened with interest, laughed along and we bounced off each other for a while trading stories and having a laugh. The other guy didn't really listen and had moved off.


The point I guess is that some people are interested in listening to stories and trading stories - whether they be travel related or not. They engage.


Others aren't and it maybe that your friends are just people who aren't interested in listening to stories, regardless of what those stories are. They don't engage on that level.


I think you need to find people who are more on your level - who are interested in listening to what you ahve to say.


What I found helped when I returned was to join a club of a sport I enjoyed when to only recount travel tales to people I knew would be interested in them. With the others, when asked how it was, I just said "yeah great thanks" and if they asked any more about it I'd tell them - they never really did ask.

Find some new friends.

Ellie2008

zoobizoo wrote: »

Hey OP,

I remember when I came back from travelling and I had a load of stories to tell (nearly getting kidnapped...... ladyboys..... yaddiyada). I was well aware not to be one of those "when I was in Australia...... " or "Ireland is so backward.." or ..."everywhere else is so much better" returning travellers.

I happened to be at a party on Saturday night I told a travel story to two people I was with at the bar as one of them had just been to a place I'd been to 20 years ago.

The guy who'd been there listened with interest, laughed along and we bounced off each other for a while trading stories and having a laugh. The other guy didn't really listen and had moved off.


The point I guess is that some people are interested in listening to stories and trading stories - whether they be travel related or not. They engage.


Others aren't and it maybe that your friends are just people who aren't interested in listening to stories, regardless of what those stories are. They don't engage on that level.


I think you need to find people who are more on your level - who are interested in listening to what you ahve to say.


What I found helped when I returned was to join a club of a sport I enjoyed when to only recount travel tales to people I knew would be interested in them. With the others, when asked how it was, I just said "yeah great thanks" and if they asked any more about it I'd tell them - they never really did ask.

Find some new friends.

I’m confused, because a guy who had been to the place you were speaking about was more interested in your story about that place then someone who hadn’t, you think the latter doesn’t engage “on your level”? I’m sure it can’t have been the intention but it comes across as snobbish almost. I would struggle to stay involved in a conversation where two people were discussing a place I’d never been to. I don’t think it’s because I’m incapable of engaging on their level, my brain doesn’t have an image of what they are discussing so I can’t really partake in the conversation in any meaningful way.

witchgirl26

OP speaking as a friend who stayed in Ireland while others have lived abroad, it can be a bit much when someone comes home and expects you to be the same person you were a year ago and also to still have all the same free time. Realistically while you were doing things, so were your friends, just different things. They've filled the times ye used to go out together with other things, they didn't just leave them blank until you came back.

I'm not going to lie, it has been annoying in the past for me when friends came back and expected me to drop a lot or just be available to meet them when I had my own stuff going on now. Just because they happened to be home. Now I'm not saying you're necessarily doing that but they've probably moved on a bit the same way you did when you were away. And this would be despite keeping in regular contact while they were away for me.

I do agree that if it's really bothering you, maybe have a chat to one in particular and see how that goes. Say that you'd love to meet up more often but you get that their lives have changed too since you left. Be interested in what they've been up to too, not just what you've been doing.

Emme

OP life in Ireland hasn't exactly been easy for the last few years and it isn't getting any easier. There are a lot of people who would love the opportunity to go away but for various reasons they are tied. Please understand that there people aren't always going to be happy to listen to the great time that somebody else had abroad while they're giving all they have to keep their head above water in this country.

GingerLily

Wait to be asked about your trip is probably the best advice, and make sure they actually want to hear details before telling a long story.

Most friends will actually ask you in their own time, they're probably just hoping to see that you haven't changed too much first. You'd be surprised how much some people change...

zoobizoo

Ellie2008 wrote: »

I’m confused, because a guy who had been to the place you were speaking about was more interested in your story about that place then someone who hadn’t, you think the latter doesn’t engage “on your level”? I’m sure it can’t have been the intention but it comes across as snobbish almost. I would struggle to stay involved in a conversation where two people were discussing a place I’d never been to. I don’t think it’s because I’m incapable of engaging on their level, my brain doesn’t have an image of what they are discussing so I can’t really partake in the conversation in any meaningful way.

If you read the next line:
"The point I guess is that some people are interested in listening to stories and trading stories - whether they be travel related or not. They engage".

The chat wasn't about the place - it just happened to spark a memory of an incident which I related to two people. One of them engaged, listened and laughed.

Take travel out of the equation - you can relate a story to two people. One might be interested from the off... the other doesn't pay as much attention and doesn't get what you're talking about. The level of engagement is different.

Dick phelan

I think the uncomfortable reality might be you were never that close to begin with, i'm currently living abroad myself and there's about 4-5 friends i speak to on a regular basis. others i haven't spoken to in months or even since i left Ireland. I don't feel bitter about it either, at the end of the day everyone has their own life to get on with. It's also maybe hard to connect again, people change a lot especially in their mid 20s i find and truth is they might have a very new life which you have no part in. How long were you away for i'm guessing more than a few months people move on quickly and sometimes friendships just reach at conclusion when people change.

I haven't read all the posts, but I will be going home in 5 weeks, after 18 months living & working abroad.
I don't expect any kind of fanfare, not do i expect people to be running around wanting to meet me.
Life goes on!
I will go meet my friends & spend time with them & my family.
I will, hopefully, Just slot back into where i was before I left.
I'm not special because I was away, neither are you OP.
Make the effort, meet up with people if they are really not interested, they're not really friends.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe you should've read the read of the thread

Ursus Horribilis

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Maybe you should've read the read of the thread

Why? Read most of it, & just giving my opinion as a person living overseas & going home soon.
Relevant I think.

Ursus Horribilis

She mentioned that the friends had stabbed her in the back previously. Did you see this at all?

Anyway I don't want to derail the thread. Goodnight.