Pain and sadness after ending a toxic relationship

LegacyUser

Hi, I have posted about this topic before as some may remember but I'm going unreg for now.

I have been in a relationship with a guy with borderline personality disorder for just under a year. (He was diagnosed recenly but I always suspected as much)

I experienced 7 suicide attempts in that time, along with his severe depression and anxiety, and huge amounts of manipulation and control. At one stage I started to think the only way out of this relationship was if I died because I felt so broken down and hopeless. I attempted to end the relationship a few times but could never fully do it because I was so isolated at the time.

We finally went our separate ways a few weeks ago, I returned to Ireland and he went back to Canada. I hoped that would be the end of it but the strength of the hold he had over me carried on and we stayed in contact despite being on different continents. Mainly he talked about how hopeless his life was and I attempted to offer support but I was at my wits end at this point so I wasn't much use to him.

Last night after another suicide attempt over the phone to me, I decided I was done. Once his family and the police had located him, I sent a message the next morning to tell him I simply can’t go on with the relationship and I have to block him. I informed his mother of same and she was really lovely about it, said she understood and thanked me for helping him. Although I know I’ve made the right decision for my own sake, I am haunted by guilt and sadness. He is currently in hospital following his suicide attempt (I know it was just another manipulation tactic but it was still serious, and he is still hospitalized.) His family are with him and I just feel so horrible that I’ve left him, but I’ve been through this so many times and I can’t take anymore trauma. He was also very verbally abusive at times and controlled me to the point I felt guilty for even enjoying myself or having friends.

I am 100% certain he will remain blocked and I am done, but I just don't know what to do with all the sadness, pain and guilt that remains behind. I'm not sure why I'm posting here really, I know I need to get some counselling and that's my next priority, but in the meantime I just hoped for some advice or support because instead of feeling relieved I feel extremely sad and guilty.

LegacyUser

Hi, I read your post and while nowhere near as extreme as your experience, in the past I broke up with someone who suffered extreme anxiety and depression.

It took me years to do it and I felt a lot of similar feelings to what you are experiencing including the fact that I felt I had abandoned someone who needed love and support.

After a long time, I came to the realisation that you cannot love someone better, that no matter what you do the issue is bigger than you and that if you don't walk away you'll end up exhausted and destroying yourself in the process too.

Relationships should be equal, they should be fun & enhance your life rather than detract from it. When they aren't you owe it to yourself to move on.

Yes I still think about the person at times, yes I still feel bad or guilty at times but I'm 100% happier than I ever was.

It's a big like grief but you are grieving for an outcome that you could never have rather than something that you actually lost.

Be kind to yourself and put yourself first as probably sacrifised that for years. It gets easiest especially when you know that you had no other option but to walk away.

Ursus Horribilis

I remember your other threads. It's good to hear that you're finally rid of this guy. I hope for your sake that you manage to stay strong and don't let him back into your life in any shape or form. He put you through an awful lot. When the dust settles, you're going to (1) thank your lucky stars you're not longer in this relationship and (2) realise you had a lucky escape and that he didn't try to kill you.

I think your next step should be to find yourself a good counsellor. Perhaps your GP can be of help here if you're not sure. Women's Aid might also be able to gve you a recommendation. I feel you need professional help for two reasons. The first is that you are now on the other side of a toxic relationship and are going to feel messed up about that. The second is that you have always come across here as somewhat fragile. Perhaps that is why you attracted this guy in the first place. Now that you're home and with your family, it's time to work on yourself and come out of it better and stronger.

wiggle16

I'm glad you finally got away from him. Truly.

That guilt is not yours to bear. You did nothing wrong and you tried to help someone who needed it. The impression I got from your first post about this situation was that he was working to convince you that you were the only person who could help him, when the help he needed was help you are not capable of giving. And it sounds like that's exactly what he managed to do. But that's not a reflection on you. He took advantage of and exploited your kindness and your feelings for him. It can happen to anyone and says more about your capacity to care for another person than anything else.

It was an abusive relationship and it will take time for you to move on from it. Give yourself time. And it goes without saying: please, please do not contact him again.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=90924434&postcount=2 - This is a list of resources and support services you may find useful.

Best of luck and take care x

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thanks for the messages of support.

Unfortunately things have taken a nasty turn, I blocked him everywhere but forgot I was in an old group chat with him from ages ago, he posted reams of nasty insulting abusive messages to everyone in the chat. He then accessed his mother’s Facebook and Email to send more abusive messages, ones that were really awful. He went for all of my insecurities and blamed me for all of his suicide attempts. Told me I am ugly and worthless. He then messaged abuse to my brother and made up lies and said I’d said things about him that I never said. He knew my brother’s insecurities that I had mentioned in confidence and he used them against him. It got so bad my brother was nearly turning against me but thankfully he’s since seen sense.

Finally he went to an old blog I’d written and was able to mail me through the contact option on that, piles more abuse and told me it was his final farewell because he will be dead soon. Even through all the abuse he somehow still made me feel guilty and at fault.

I let his family know all of the above and he’s now in a psych ward so no longer has access to a phone but I am now living in fear he will book a flight over to Ireland and find me once he's discharged. I am terrified he’s going to kill me. I talked to the police, they said there’s nothing they can do as he’s not in the country and no crime has been committed. I feel so scared and upset and very isolated and I'm not sure what to do.

LegacyUser

I don't think you need to worry about him coming to Ireland. I'd say all those abusive messages were the last gasp of a bully who knows they no longer have a hold on their victim. I'd consider him little more than an emotionally blackmailing thug.

His crack about killing himself and all those suicide attempts are bull****. People with genuine mental health issues who are considering suicide tend not to announce it to the world. Unfortunately, they will quietly kill themselves before help can be given to them.

People who carry on the way your ex has, well they do it for attention and to keep a hold over the people in their lives.

Make sure he can't contact you on anything and say it to your family members that they need to block him as he is abusive. Make sure they all block him.

La.de.da

Stay strong op. Stick to your guns. You cannot help this man. As much as you may want or have wanted too you can't.
It's ok to feel the way you feel. It's the end of that chapter in your life. Acknowledge that. In due course move on. This is your time now.

Might not be a bad idea to seek some counselling, you've been through a lot.

Wish you all the best.

wiggle16

Do not respond to him. Don't tell him to go away. Don't tell him to leave you alone. Don't even tell him to f*** off. Just ignore, don't read, and block whatever he sends you.

You're finally seeing his true colours for what they are.

He's not going to come to Ireland. Look at this way, OP: he has threatened everything in the past. He's never carried it out. He's threatened to kill himself - and made sure you found him "in the nick of time". It's all staged. Coming to Ireland is an empty threat from a very ill man.

The only way to make this stop is to ignore him totally. Do not respond to him under any circumstances, do not open any messages or emails. What motivates him is the idea that he still has a hold on you. Once he begins to realise that hold is gone, he will move on.

Big Bag of Chips

Sending abuse through a group chat? All that will do is show him up to everyone in the chat for what he really is. Yes, he is clearly suffering with mental health problems. No right thinking person carries on like that. But he is also a prize dick. And now he has shown to many others exactly what sort of person he is. I assume those people are friends. Use their support.

Do not under any circumstances reply to any forms of contact from him. Not even to tell him to stay away. Ignore everything. As if you havent seen it.

He is at home now with his parents. They are seeing firsthand what he is capable of. He is their problem. I suggest you contact Aware of a similar organisation. I know Aware in particular run support groups for friends and family of people who suffer with depression. You might be surprised to find you are not alone. Unfortunately.

By the way, at the moment he is not seriously considering suicide. I don't know anybody who has had so many failed suicide attempts. He is self-harming. But if he wanted to end it he would. He doesn't want to end it. He is just using this as an effective means to hurt you.

Block everyone. Even his mother. Shut your Facebook and messenger settings down so that you can't receive friend requests and you can't receive messages from people not in your friends list. Block all numbers connected to him on all phone apps. You don't need to be in contact with his parents anymore. You have given them enough evidence. It's up to them now to monitor him.

Sephiroth_dude

You did the right, let his family deal with him now, get yourself some counselling, you've been through a horrid time of it.

shesty

I think OP, if I were you, I'd consider changing phone numbers, putting new profiles up or whatever on your online sites and closing down anything else.It's just an idea but if it was me I'd sariously consider doing it just to be rid of him completely.
You have done nothing wrong,and he is totally not your responsibility.He clearly has severe problems.Hopefully with some counselling sessions and an extended period of time away from him you will begin to see your way forward again and things will look brighter.

Neyite

Ever heard of Flying Monkeys? Here they come.



Now it's time to block everything. Everything. On every social media platform, block his mother, distant cousin, the family cat blog. The lot. Lock down your social media or come off it for a while, and don't accept any friend or new contact requests for the time being. You really should change your number.

Did you really forget about the group chat or were you subconsciously leaving one little door open to keep an eye on what he's up to? No judgement here, but if you did the latter it's because you still feel some sort of responsibility towards him, and maybe you need to work on that.

Up until now, his actions have kept you where he wants you or drawn you back in. So what does he need to do to get your attention? He needs to ramp it up more. That's what he's at right now. Please speak to women's aid. They know exactly what you are dealing with here, and will be very valuable in helping you get over this. They were a great help to me.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your kind and supportive messages, it means a lot to me at this time and I am taking everything onboard.

Regarding the group chat, it was actually lying dormant for months and had genuinely not entered my mind. I wish I’d thought of leaving it to save me from the humiliation and abuse I received but thankfully everyone in the group chat was extremely supportive, they all left and messaged me individually to make sure I was ok.

I have changed my phone number and my email address, along with my usernames on all platforms. He is blocked everywhere as are his family. Unfortunately he managed to get one more email to me through a new account, a heartfelt apology telling me he deserves to die for the abuse he has put me through and that he has never felt so low. This is always the part that tests me but it's all a vicious cycle. Unfortunately I couldn't help but reply to reassure him and tell him it will be ok, but I know in my heart it’s the last reply he’ll get, I wished him well and told him from now on my email would now be gone which it is. All he will receive now in a bounce back. Please don’t judge me for my decision to respond.

Now the only way I can see him messaging me is through Facebook. I can’t seem to block messages from people outside my friends list, and I also can’t block new friend requests which is really frustrating. It seems almost impossible to contact Facebook directly but I did ask about it on a Reddit thread but so far no replies. If I can’t figure it out I may have to delete my account which I would hate to have to do. Anyone know if there’s a solution? Surely I should be able to block unsolicited messages and friend requests? Lastly, I know I should call Women’s Aid but for some reason it feels like a big step and I’m afraid to do it, not sure why. Hopefully in a few days I’ll feel different. Thanks again for your continued advice and support.

Neyite

There are settings that make you unsearchable in facebook, and you could also look into changing your name to an Irish version of your own or use a nickname along with a cartoon/ scenery profile picture.



Unfriend any random people that you don't really know, make your friends list private, and your photos. Basically lock down everything. Anyone sending you friend requests for the next six months you can just delete. If they are close enough to you to become a FB friend then they are close enough to understand why you aren't accepting new friends at the moment, or will contact you on your new contact methods to link directly with you.

Ursus Horribilis

What you could do is close down your existing Facebook and set up another one, only inviting people you know and trust. That's what someone belonging to me did in the aftermath of a messy break-up.

There's nothing wrong, per se, with sending him one final message. If it makes you think you parted on nicer terms that's fine. However, I remember your other thread and how you ignored all the advice given to you at the time. Even though you had been brought to somewhere safe and your ex's father had travelled to take him home, you couldn't help yourself. This is just another version of the same thing. He knows he can still get through to you and that you'll respond. If you don't take any other piece of advice from this story, just heed this. STOP CONTACTING HIM.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I would suggest you read back over your previous threads. Reread what everyone was telling you from the very beginning. See how blinded, and fooled you were by him. Realise that this behaviour was present ever before he met you. Realise that he used and manipulated you from the very beginning. Realise that you were both in very different relationships. You honestly thought you could help him. He knew he could manipulate you and use you to feed his need for attention.

I don't doubt he is unwell. I do doubt that he ever saw you as any more than a device. Something he could feed off of.

Reread your threads... And make a vow to never ever contact him. No matter what.

LegacyUser

I’ve deactivated my Facebook, it seems to be the only thing left to do as having it just leaves me wide open to contact from him. He’s currently sending messages to my brother which is making me feel quite stressed but he is under strict instructions to NOT respond. I am really really hoping he runs out of steam and it blows over soon and I know that I’ve learned a lot from this, with a lot of help and support from posters on here so thank you all for that! You’ve really been a great source of support and advice.

SirChenjin

You have had a lot of very good advice OP, on this and your previous threads. I am not going to add anything different to what has been said. Just to reiterate - do whatever you have to do to cut off all contact.

I do hope that you have counselling set up/ ongoing because what you have been through is very difficult, and while the threads here are, I am sure, very helpful, you do need to have real life professional support.

All the best, and mind yourself.

LegacyUser

waterlight wrote: »

I’ve deactivated my Facebook, it seems to be the only thing left to do as having it just leaves me wide open to contact from him. He’s currently sending messages to my brother which is making me feel quite stressed but he is under strict instructions to NOT respond. I am really really hoping he runs out of steam and it blows over soon and I know that I’ve learned a lot from this, with a lot of help and support from posters on here so thank you all for that! You’ve really been a great source of support and advice.

Why isn't your brother blocking him? It's very easy to do on all social media. I really can't understand the lack of blocking!

LegacyUser

blockhim wrote: »

Why isn't your brother blocking him? It's very easy to do on all social media. I really can't understand the lack of blocking!

Because he is creating new accounts to message him on.

wiggle16

You should ask your brother if he wouldn't mind keeping up the silence and blocking, but also not to keep you informed about it either.

If I were in his position I would keep it to myself and just keep muting/blocking/ignoring. Just as with you, the guy will become tired of it once he sees he's not having an effect.

You just have to keep ignoring and blocking. He will eventually give up. And as time passes, you will become harder and harder to find on social media. It's important you keep the walls up and don't respond, no matter what he tries to say or address. You don't need to justify anything to him. It's a pure contact-obsession, and any reaction you give it will just feed it.

Don't let yourself down. You have come this far and you got away from him. A lot of people never do.

Ursus Horribilis

I thought they'd taken his phone away? It doesn't say a lot for any treatment he's getting if he appears to be able to create new Facebook accounts at ease.

Is there anybody else belonging to you that you think he might try messaging next? If there are, you should warn them. Most of all, make sure none of them replies to him in any shape or form. What this guy is craving is attention. He knew how to get yours by his manipulation, self-harming and suicide threats. He played you like a fiddle and he's hoping that he can somehow get to you again. Even a sliver of hope will set things back for both of you. He is seriously ill and needs help you will never be able to give him. Ever. He is in the right place and he has his family to look after him.

More importantly, what about you? I hope at this stage that you have booked yourself in for some counselling and that it's coming up soon.

qwerty13

Please don’t reply to him ever again. Let alone how detrimental this is to your recovery, you aren’t helping him at all. I know it’s hard, but by you replying, he is still in the cycle of self-destruction - focusing on that, and his interaction with you. You are actually delaying any chance he has of recovery. You might think you’re being ‘nice’, but you replying is the absolute last thing he needs - let alone what you need (which is to block him properly this time)

Johnson_76

You didn't cause it, you cannot control it and you will not cure it.

Don't enquire about him again. Keep busy and move on. Best of luck OP you've made the right decision .

Neyite

As with any addiction, you can't just have a little. It has to be zero intake, whether that's drugs, cigarettes or alcohol.

It's the same for him. Every reply of yours resets it back to square one, keeps him addicted to the objective of making you stay in his life. You are the enabler in this scenario. He's stalking you and will find any crack he can to get through to you.

I said it on your last thread, but you are not being kind to him by replying. If you believe him to be ill, then what you are doing every time you reply is actually cruel and detrimental to his health. If you just believe him to be abusive, again, no contact is the healthiest way forward for BOTH of you.

That means telling your brother you don't want to hear whether or not he's getting pestered online. And your friends or work colleagues and his family. You don't want to see or hear anything to do with him ever again and they need to support you in this by NOT feeding you information about him or his current state. If he oversteps and harasses you or any of your friends or family the way to deal with it is STILL not to communicate with him, but to contact the appropriate authorities. Every time. Read up on stalking. This is a UK site so legislation might be different but gives you good advice on what to do.