Odd situation with female friend

TimesArrow

Hi, 
This is a bit of a weird situation and I feel like a bit of an idiot typing this but here goes..
About 4.5 years ago, I matched with this girl on tinder. we were both living in ireland at the time, got chatting and all was well. soon after this, the girl moved to australia for about six months and also during that period i moved to canada where i currently live. the strange thing is, during nearly all of that time, we have developed this sort of platonic relationship that has continued to grow ever since. we're in touch about 4-5 times a week, sending texts and voice messages, calls. We confide in each other about personal stuff and have gotten to know each other pretty well, despite not spending any actual time together. we do joke about the weirdness of this and there is definitely some sort of connection there. i know this sounds mad and i have probably built this up in my head. the sensible thing to do would probably be to just meet her finally (which ill be doing around xmas when im home for a while), spend time together and take it from there i suppose. i know i have definitely developed feelings for her and im not sure she sees me like that or gives this as much thought as i do. ive been considering moving back to ireland some time next year and if i am REALLY honest, she is one of the reasons behind that. I know it sounds insane, but it feels like i should give this a go (if she feels the same obviously).. anyway, this has been messing with my head for some time and i dont know what to do about it, if anything at all. ive told some mates about her and i know she's done the same with me. guess i just wanted to get it out and throw myself at the mercy of judgemental strangers (joke) 
thanks

Redser87

It could be the same on her side OP, or she may just have enjoyed having a text buddy who was also far from home. If you're home for Christmas anyway there's no harm in sending her a laidback text saying how nice it would be to meet up now that you're in the same hemisphere. Then go without expectation,. with an open mind-at the very least you'll get to spend some real time together. I wouldn't come home just for her,that's a huge pedestal to place someone on and unfair to her to make it "her fault" if things go wrong. But, if an opportunity arises in your field and you're coming home anyway, why not give things a go? I think an open mind will be key to all of this.

Unanimous

Meet up with her and see how it goes.

Don't promise her that you are coming back for her though.

Just say you are coming back for a while and could potentially stay if you like it here.

Just so she doesn't start feeling like you are making a big move for her and she owes you.

TimesArrow

Redser87 wrote: »

It could be the same on her side OP, or she may just have enjoyed having a text buddy who was also far from home. If you're home for Christmas anyway there's no harm in sending her a laidback text saying how nice it would be to meet up now that you're in the same hemisphere. Then go without expectation,. with an open mind-at the very least you'll get to spend some real time together. I wouldn't come home just for her,that's a huge pedestal to place someone on and unfair to her to make it "her fault" if things go wrong. But, if an opportunity arises in your field and you're coming home anyway, why not give things a go? I think an open mind will be key to all of this.

Thanks. Some sensible and good advice. It'll probably be strange for us to actually meet up for the first time face to face but keep it casual and laid back with an open mind.
maybe she'll tell me about the lad she's seeing :eek:

TimesArrow

Well I just thought I’d follow up on this. I met the person in question last week for dinner and then again last Sunday for coffee, where she gave me some gifts. On both occasions, there was no awkwardness, we had a great time and lots of laugh. I definitely think there’s a spark and connection there but in all honesty I’m not sure she sees me that way. We were both out last Sunday night and texting throughout the night. When we eventually ended up in the same bar, I could see she was nervous I walked in and they pretty much left soon after. Now she denies she bolted or anything like hay but that’s how it came across to me. We’ve continued texting as we always have but it’s driving me mad the last while. We may meet again before I leave but I wouldn’t count on it. It feels like the realization of something I kind of knew already- that she doesn’t see me in a romantic way, whether that’s Cos I’m located in another country (for now) or another reason, I don’t know. Even when I joke about our “thing” she just sort of ignores it. I’ve confided this in a couple of people and they’re all saying “go for it, tell her how you feel etc”.. and if I meeting her Monday i probably will, but I’m instinct (which are often wrong) tells me this thing between us Is platonic And for now, that’s where it’s at. I guess I built it up in my mind over time: texts and messages several times a week etc I don’t think I’m just some guy to her and I have obviously developed some feelings for her (and she knows it well).. so basically I don’t know what to do from here. I go back to Canada next Thursday

cannotlogin

You only live once. Don't regret not taking changes. Always better to know that not.

ginandtonicsky

If you learn one thing from this it should be to not waste time building a relationship and developing feelings for what is essentially a pen pal. Don’t get involved, casually or emotionally or otherwise, without getting that critical face time.

You’re probably right and this girl was quite comfortable texting you over the years when she was bored or needed an ego boost. Judging by her behaviour, she doesn’t want to change that dynamic. You meanwhile are considering making major life plans based solely on the idea of her.

Tell her how you feel because life is short and you’ve got to take chances. But then focus on women that you have real possibilities with, geography and actual in-person relations is a pretty key part of that!

wiggle16

I wouldn't hold out much hope for this at all, because it sounds like your gut is right and she is not into you. But I still think you should meet her and tell her how you feel. I think you need to be told either way directly by her, face to face, or this will not resolve itself for you.

Either way this long distance penpal relationship is over. You've met now and you cannot let it go back to the way things were before.

Ask her to meet you before you leave. If she declines then that's as good an answer as any. If you do meet, tell her how you feel and put the ball in her court. You can take it from there.

I really doubt it will go anywhere, sorry OP. But if you don't at least attempt to meet her then you will go back to Canada and the texting will just start up again as before and you'll gave gotten nowhere.

Go for it. And good luck

amdublin

I think you need to say it to her to find out once and for all. Yes it may not be the decision you want but at least you will know.

wirelessdude01

Nothing to lose. Arrange to meet her and out with it. That way you either have something or you can move on.